hannah and caroline and me
(part nine)


now that i am resting comfortably just one notch above last place in my ncaa bracket pool, i can step out of the "madness" and stop boring you with basketball-related posts.

today, i'll bring the focus back to my girls. my baby girl and my baby, baby girl to be specific. something is happening with hannah recently that has led me to question a lot of things about how she and i relate to each other. the lack of jealousy towards caroline that we noticed back in august and september is now starting to fade. she is not spiteful with caroline in any way. quite the contrary. every day, there is a moving example of hannah trying to calm her little sister down or cheer her up depending on which she thinks caroline needs. every day, she goes out of her way to give her little sister kisses or hugs (some too rough, admittedly). every day she sings to her or plays patty-cake. every day, you can tell that hannah is infatuated with the idea and reality of sharing her day with caroline and it is a beautiful thing to behold. one thing i am not so sure of, currently, is how well sharing mommy and daddy is sitting with the big sister.

hannah is starting to make comments to sarah about how "you don't smile like that at me, mommy." among other things that make it quite obvious that hannah is starving for some attention. we see and hear things that call for us and we immediately respond with a big hug and kiss or an invitation to sit in our lap or put a puzzle together, but it doesn't take long for us to slip back into "parent" mode and start questioning everything the big girl does.

seriously, parents that read this i am sure will just nod knowingly. and it is a good feeling to know that we are not sailing across uncharted waters, but it feels like we yell and dismiss and discourage hannah more often than we are sweet to her. it probably doesn't just feel like that. i am sure that this is the case. and there are reasons. let's face it. hannah can be a freaking brat. she loves getting her way, just as we all do. and the way that she reacts to not is exactly how we all react to not getting our way, but her reactions are contained in and projected through this 4 year-old package that can gnaw at our nerves 'til they fracture, tie the nerve back together and then chew it in half again just because she can. just yesterday morning, sarah commended me for being as patient as i was with hannah for she wanted to throw her across the room for me due to the obstinate behaviour that she was witnessing while feeding caroline. "throw her across the room?", you ask. doesn't that seem extreme? to that question i reply, either throw her or hit her in the face with a baseball bat. at that moment in time, at that very moment where hannah just chewed the same nerve in half for the second time, those present themselves to be the two most logical and practical options. time-out will not do. talking to her rationally is pointless. violence, then, must be the answer. right?

well, maybe not.

and then she gets her meow in her hand and sucks on her tongue. and i ask myself, has god ever presented me with a gift as great as this image? my baby girl with her protective blanket trancing out and losing herself in the comfort that meow bestows upon her. all parents have this or a like picture in their head i am sure. the one that must come to them when contemplating waterboarding their children. the one that makes their heart feel like it did when that baby girl or boy first came into the world and your heart had to grow a little to make room for them. every day that i get upset with hannah i also get to see her suck her tongue. every day i wish for days with no children, i see her calm and looking at me with her big, sweet eyes and i feel shame for ever wishing her out of my life.

and of course, now there is caroline. i don't know if i've defined her image that will set me free from tossing her out of a moving car just yet. maybe it will be her folding in half when being tickled. maybe it will be the way her eyes smile before her lips do. maybe it will be something else. it will be something, though.

i, absolutely, hate how much time i spend telling hannah what she can't do. but i suppose part of that is what being a parent is all about right now. it doesn't take having a psychologist in the house (although it helps) to see just how impressionable she is. you only have to spend ten minutes with her to see her influences that range from cartoon disney to books that we read to kaykay to teen disney to nickelodeon to sesame street to ms. peace and ms. lita and hopefully a little bit of her parents too. it is now that she is learning what's right and what's wrong. it is now that she's building the foundation of how she sees others, even others that don't look like her. and it's now, because of these things that we have to be stern and have to be sure we are putting her on the path of life that will allow her to be as graceful (in the biblical sense, not the athletic one) as possible as she gets older. it's a tall task and one that we will take seriously with both girls. but it still hurts sometimes.

a girl as sweet as the one that sucks her tongue doesn't deserve to be yelled at, right?

unfortunately, yes. yes, she does.

i love you, hannah. even when i'm "mean" .

ladies and gentlemen...

we have our first shit game of the tournament! can you feel it?!?!?! can you feel the madness???

is this what you want to watch sunday? is it?? really???? the hilltoppers vs. the fucking toreros? woo-hoo! what the fuck is a torero?

i just hope that everyone out there that bitches and moans and hopes without end for these "upsets", these "cinderellas", puts their money where their mouth is and sits down on easter sunday to see which of these two titans will get slaughtered by ucla in the sweet sixteen. go get 'em 12 and 13 seeds. i hear this is what the tournament is all about. nevermind ucla won't have to play another decent team for ten days.

march madness, huh? fucking great.

i hate basketball.

update: that siena/villanova match-up should be a blast, too. awesome.

looking ahead
(the day that was)


with the first day in the books, i am 12-4. not too bad. right around where everyone else is unless you really went out on a limb and picked against several higher seeds. if you had just picked higher seeds yesterday, you'd be sitting pretty at 14-2 and rank higher than 90 percent of the country. oh well. what's the fun in that, right? the only outcome that i am disappointed in is the usc loss. i've always been blinded by "stars" and usc and o.j. mayo forced me to wear shades. in addition to mayo, the trojans showcase three other future nba guys. sure they had lost ten games this year. maybe that should've weighed heavier than i let it. but last night, it didn't make a difference. k-state has michael beasley, the soon-to-be number one pick in the nba draft, and he was better than mayo. bill walker was way better than the next best performer for the trojans, and that was that. it wasn't an upset. k-state was the better team. but it was a perfectly painted picture of how quickly one's bracket can take serious hits. i had usc in the sweet sixteen, no further. so my chances are not ruined. yet. but all that has to happen is one team that you put too much faith in biting the dust and you are no longer in the running to win your pool.

the good news for me? i don't really have one of those teams. usc and marquette are both 6's and they are the only two teams that i have in my sweet sixteen that would even be considered mild surprises if they got there. everything else is pretty much chalk. which means two things. i was a lot less balls-y this year than i have been in the past. and, two, i will probably have, at least, a shot to be around the top until the last weekend. if any of my final four teams flop, so will yours. everyone has the same final four. give or take swapping a one seed for a two in any given region.

the only way that anyone is going to pull away this year is if there are major upsets, a mid-to-low seed makes it to san antonio, and you picked them because they are your favorite team and you never felt like you could pull the trigger and knock them out of your bracket. for example, cookie cundiff didn't miss a game yesterday. he's the leader after the first round. but his family is from indiana. he gushes over indiana basketball. and he has them picked to win the title. and unless eric gordon finds his inner jordan, well, that ain't happening. so, enjoy your day in the sun, cookie. i picked indiana too. today. unc will then relegate cookie's bracket to the bottom half of our pool come sunday.

if anything's to be gleaned from yesterday as i look forward to today and the rest of the weekend, it's that i don't see a george mason from two years ago (thank god!) happening. we may see a couple "upsets" today, but nothing huge is going to happen. and the romantics that root for that and then complain about the crappy basketball the rest of the way may be disappointed, but i will not.

no bold predictions here. just a comfortable resignation that this is going to be a very fun tournament to watch unfold, because all the "gutty" teams with "gritty", floppy-haired white guys with "something to prove" will be at home by sunday.

control of my own destiny


the first two days of the ncaa tournament have become, for many, the coolest two days of the year. the phrase "march madness" was coined because of these two days. not the final four. not the championship and conference tourney week leading up to the real tournament. these two days. everyone is the country is in at least one bracket pool. if they are not, they are just being non-conformist or stubborn and should be abandoned as friends. ok. not really. there are still some sane people out there that don't prioritize sports in their life quite as high as myself. but because of most of the country's, at the very least, casual interest in how their bracket stacks up next to their friends', we collectively watch or pay attention to 32 games in the span of two days and are sensitive to every result. these first two days, when you look back in three weeks, will be when you win or lose your pool. it's these first two days that prove your hunches right or wrong and leave you searching for answers when you have picked pittsburgh to make the elite eight again just because bobby knight looks menacing and says so.

for the first time in three years, i am in control of my own schedule again and was able to allow myself today and tomorrow off to soak in as much of the first two days as i can. i could hear the disappointment in sarah's voice when she realized the "real" reason i am at home today and tomorrow. i wish i could say that i had good friday and the girls being at home in mind firstly. i wish i could say that me being home on the same day that o.j. mayo and michael beasley played each other was a coincidence. i wish i could say that i am not so shallow as to intentionally schedule an entire work week around meaningless games. i wish i could say that, but i can't.

thus, it begins. think less of me if you want. i do.

i will say this. after my tongue-in-cheek cockiness from sunday wore off, i have never felt any less confident about my picks than i do this morning. we'll see how it all plays out. if a couple of first-round games go my way, i'll be right back to annoying as hell. just you wait. if this is the last post you see from me concerning the tournament, well, you know what happened.

i am going to hold off on my "bold" predictions until tomorrow, when i can use a day's worth of hindsight as my guide.

the answer is, "no."
(the question is, "am i not in too many ncaa bracket groups already?"


our group is created and waiting on your entry. obviously, for those of you that like to procrastinate, you have until tip-time of the first game on thursday to complete your bracket and find your way to our group. doing that, though, will not allow you to second, third and fourth-guess your initial, gut picks (which tend to be the right ones in the end). most of you have already received our invitation by e-mail i suppose, but i do know of a few readers (cough, father-in-law, cough) that i don't have your address saved in my contact list.

for anyone that happens across this site and would like to join our fun, feel free! it's like communion in the united methodist church. all are welcome to the table.

anyway, here are the particulars.

go to espn's tournament challenge. create your entry. then pick "join a group".

our group name is "Friends of HuffmanUMC".

our password is humc.

that's it. pretty simple. have fun, and let the trash-talking begin!

why, brackets, of course!!!
(part two)


you'd be disappointed if i didn't say something about the brackets, right? no. no, you wouldn't. the only thing in sports more annoying to hear about than someone else's fantasy football team is their bracket(s) come march madness. but, it's tradition.

this year will be a little different, though. i am writing today before the brackets are revealed, and i am writing to tell you this. this year is my year. it's been a couple years, now, since i've taken my bracket pool. i am convinced that this year is my year for one simple reason. i have watched less college basketball this 2007-2008 season than i have in five years. it's not even close. and because of this simple fact, i already feel like i am the leader in the clubhouse.

"why?", you ask. having watched very little college basketball will prevent me from getting hung up on things like "what team i think is good" and "this team really hung with north carolina back in november". i have no idea who carolina played in november, and that lack of knowledge should serve me beautifully.

i enter this year's competition with these few things in my favor. 1) i do still spend a lot of time online with espn, si and tons of blogs, so i am not completely uninformed as to who "should" perform well. 2) i care nothing about mid-majors. never have. never will. this means that i will better at least a couple folks in my pool that fall under jay bilas' spell and believe drake will make the second weekend. 3) most importantly, i am not a girl. this should, at the very least, place me above sarah, donna, amy, katie and any other female that should dare step into our battle for bragging rights. i will not be swayed by team colors, player "cute"ness or any other random girl factor.

you may be wondering where my confidence comes from. you may not. if you were, it's mark gottfried. yep. that mark gottfried. having complete faith in his inability to manage a talented alabama team without an injured ronald steele allowed me to tune out college basketball back in early december. mark gottfried's name will be the first one spoken when i hand myself the trophy in just over three weeks. heck, i will go ahead and count my chickens before they hatch and throw a big "thank you" mark's direction this afternoon. you've earned it, sir. as kiker, andy and i (among others) agreed on many years back, the best thing that can be said about mark gottfried's coaching is that he's a great recruiter. roll tide.

as soon as i've created the "friends of huffman" pool, i'll post the link here as well as e-mail it out. feel free to join us. there is no money involved. just the opportunity to make me eat my words and prove yourself more adept at using very little skill and very little reason to pick winners of college basketball games than your friends.

i'll toss out a few bad and random predictions before the games begin. 'til then, pick responsibly.

defining relevant


i am firm believer in the science of "word of mouth". i have yet to experience a more accurate predictor of "relevance" than listening to what people are saying about a certain movie, person, organization, etc. that being the the case, the what that people are saying doesn't mean nearly as much, as it concerns someone or something being relevant, as that they are saying anything at all. if word of mouth is trending towards the positive end of the spectrum, great! if word of mouth is trending negative, that's great too! what matters is that people care enough about your product to share it (or what they think of it) with someone else. obviously, the more negative the word of mouth becomes, the smaller your relevancy windows becomes. but, it works exactly the same if word of mouth is positive. the snowball moves uphill at the same speed as it does down. which brings me to today's point.

when was the last time that huffman united methodist church generated any word of mouth, positive or negative, outside of it's own walls? more specifically, when was the last time that we created or sprung a ministry with an eye towards reaching our community and efforting to revitalize and recharge our own congregation that stuck? something that remains current and relevant inside and outside our church today.

your guess is as good as mine. i posed this question to a friend of mine the other day and i still haven't been able to come up with a good answer. i, honestly, don't think that my memory stretches back far enough. and that, more than anything else, sums up where huffman is. we are a church that talks a lot about ourselves. we "do" a lot of things that make us feel busy. but no one outside of our walls is talking about us. we are a body at rest tending towards remaining at rest. a look at a few kind-of recent examples...

the "hispanic congregation"

this one has at least got us talking. let us all remember that positive or negative word of mouth is a good thing. the more appropriate question as it relates to the lifeblood of the church, though, is whether or not this ministry is invoking any conversation, english or spanish, around the community. we'll continue to track this one...

gracelink

wow. hardly worth mentioning outside of the fact that it's a prime example of inertia. the brainchild before the brainchild of our exited pastor, rick owen, this one never had any support or foothold within humc, much less outside of it's walls. word of mouth grade? F-

the charles lee experiment

this one actually registers on the word of mouth scale. for about six months, humc was relevant. granted, it's the same kind of relevancy that a massive crash on the freeway exhibits. we had more rubberneckers looking in from the outside hopeful that no one was dead, but people were, at the very least, whispering about us. the move to bring charles on was doomed to begin with. it's funny how a congregation reacts when they have no say in the matter, isn't it? no, no it's not. but it is predictable. after the "six months of negativity" snowball reached the bottom of the hill, we failed to "matter" anymore. at that point, those of us that were left behind were just fighting for the life jackets. thankfully, the plug on the experiment was pulled before we all floated to the bottom of the ocean as large chunks of ice. whether it was pulled too late to repair the damage that was incurred is still up in the air, just not very high up in the air. word of mouth grade? C-

heartsong

we are starting to reach way back, aren't we? i wasn't even going to church when this baby started, let alone thinking of working for it. this is maybe the last time that you can see huffman slightly ahead of the curve. through some dogged determination and some very hard and fast work by what ended up being a fairly small group, humc created a contemporary worship service that not only stirred some positive word of mouth, but also brought new sheep into our fold. new sheep that weren't satisfied with the idea of being sheep, but sheep that wanted to learn how to lead, and lead they have. heartsong rode an uphill snowball for a full year before the church, corporate, decided to pull it's full support. after that, positive things still happened and creative juices still flowed, but the ball was already beginning to move in the wrong direction. the service can be directly or indirectly thanked for inspiring a church planter, a now-appointed pastor, at least two church staffers, several new members and "regular visitors" to humc, the purchase of a lot of expensive sound and media equipment and way more good memories than bad. that is some good relevancy. word of mouth grade? B

and that's it, folks. that's the list. that's all i can come up with in my very limited memory. please don't take this as me discounting all of the important and vital ongoing ministries at the church. angel tree (having spawned the idea for the current apple tree), adopt-a-child, vacation bible school and others that i know i am leaving out. these are critical to our congregation, and yes, in some instances, to those that we touch outside. by definition, these are in-reach ministries, though, not outreach.

which brings today's topic back full-circle. what is it that we can do to be worth talking about again? is there anything we can do, save vandalizing other churches in the proud name of humc in the hopes that people realize we are still there? across the street from us, word of life white-flighted (go ahead, argue with me the ethnic make-up of their congregation. i will then introduce you to their pastor.) out to highway 11 and what happened across the street? a congregation (maybe the same, old congregation??? you wanna bet??? c'mon. let's bet.) moves right in, taking up our parking spaces because we don't use them. hey, i have a great idea. let's move into that empty church across from huffman methodist. we'll call it "the worship center". it'll blow up. really." really? well, yeah, it worked. what are they doing that we aren't? has anyone asked?

i am this close to slipping back into my apathy-induced coma that i awoke from last fall. and the reason? because i don't feel like i have anything to talk about. i work in huffman, people!!! i'll start the snowball.

just give me something to talk about.

finally


it's been a while since something interesting enough to write about has happened at the church, but a 500 lb. gorilla is lurking in the shadows, just waiting to get out.

the gorilla's name? the hispanics. that's right. nothing like a little racial tension to stir us out of our collective stupor, and, by george, we've been stirred.

the origin story of there even being a hispanic connection in huffman united methodist is shady at best. the reason for this is that it was one man's thing and that one man is now gone. rev. rick owen spoke (poorly) a little spanish and used that as a means to begin (broken) conversations with hispanic leaders in our community. or, so the story goes. while i was on staff, we just kind of took his word that these conversations were actually happening. we didn't see much proof of it. in huffman united methodist church, it takes months and months of meetings and conversation for anything new to happen (see: small groups and "diversity"). unless you are the senior pastor that is. if the senior pastor wants to push something through without the burden of red tape, it can happen. and it did (see: gracelink and the hispanic ministry).

well, lo and behold and all of a sudden, a group led by rev. ruben clemente was offered our parlor for worship services held in spanish that would take place after huffman's traditional worship service. the ministry has since found considerable foothold and made itself a significant presence in and around the church. we have shared a worship service or two with the "hispanic congregation". we have tried to embrace, as a church, our similarities and championed humc's growing diversity without paying much attention to the fact that we can't really communicate with the "hispanic congregation". nevertheless, the hispanic group is growing, which is a great thing. what we are starting to see, though, is that "they" are now growing into areas of the church that are making casual members stand up and take notice. after things ended up broken in the parlor, the hispanic group moved down to the youth center. youth break stuff all the time. no one will care if "they" are down there. well, no one but maybe the youth department and their parents. but they are growing small in number too, so they won't make too much noise. presently, the hispanic group worships in the "youth center" on sunday mornings. during the week, they hold various meetings and bible studies throughout the education building. this wasn't too big of a deal until shit started turning up missing. that and children's place teachers started finding their shit broken or their rooms in disarray. and now it's starting to become a big deal, which i think is awesome. on a lot of different levels.

the biggest point that will ultimately prove to be the biggest issue is whether huffman's english-speaking congregation and spanish-speaking congregation are one and the same, separated only by a language barrier. are we working towards to the same goal? the same mission (if i don't know our mission, my guess is that the hispanics do not either)? or is ruben's group just using our church as a place to worship and rent temporarily as if they are a church plant. either way is fine. in my opinion, it just needs to be defined. if we knew one way or another, we could process both group's motives as they relate to each other and move forward. right now, though, we are moving towards dark and tired territory.

i have realized, first-hand, that huffman's link to la iglesia de hispana de huffman, rev. ruben clemente, has a difficult time carrying on a conversation in english. most of his members can do no more than make eye contact with those of us not fluent in spanish. so, how exactly are we supposed to communicate? until we find a good and measured way to do so, racial tension will continue to build. stereotypes on either "side" of the issue are already being perpetuated. as a (former insider) born-again outsider, it's kind of fun and interesting to be a part of, but it's also kind of scary. churches are way too politically correct as it is. when it comes to race, we tend to become extremely pc. the last thing we would want to do is offend out of ignorance. but, the bottom line is that a decision was made for humc by a pastor that didn't ask the congregation for assistance, and now we are the united states trying to figure out what to do with an inconvenient situation that a former "commander-in-chief" has left us to handle.

do we ask ruben and his group to find somewhere else to worship? that sounds pretty close-minded and contrary to the united methodist slogan. or, do we ask the hispanic ministry to find ways to intentionally wire themselves into the current infrastructure of humc, the humc that is very white and not very open to change? that seems to set both the hispanic congregation and the "traditional" one up for failure.

so, what to do? what to do? our current senior pastor is not going to step on anyone's toes, which can be a good thing and a bad thing. our membership is pretty awesome, thank you, at passive-aggressively running people off that scare us out of our collective comfort zone. i don't know the answer. i am not sure if i've settled it all out in my head just yet. in the short term, though, if there are not some very evident boundaries and means of accountability set up very soon, things will be coming to a head in the not-too-distant future. and something will happen in the church that should never happen but always does. a line will be drawn in the sand and people will be asked, subconsciously, to take a side, further dividing the local and universal church and further proving everyone that laughs at christianity's grand efforts correct in their assessment that we have no idea what we are doing.

should be interesting to see how it all plays out. and believe me, it will play out.

"let those that have ears to hear (english), hear."

and what of those that don't?

i am not peyton manning

through two weeks of flag football, my vital statistics read as such. three touchdown passes, four interceptions (one pick six) and zero wins. that's it. that's all you need to know. as quarterback of the birminghamandcheese, i have been downright horrible. i wish i could fall back on the tried and true cliche' of it being a long season, but it really isn't. we probably have to go 4-2 the rest of the way to even have a chance of sneaking into the playoffs. could it happen? sure, i guess. is it probable? well, you are asking the wrong person, only 24 hours removed from me completely ruining 11 guys' perfect sunday afternoon. i don't regret taking on the role of quarterback. i think i can do well, but, shit. every position on the field is dependant on the decisions and throws that i make. yesterday, not one of either was positive.

i hope i feel better about things in a couple days. i hope i can get excited again about playing and having a good time with my friends. right now, i feel like an incredibly less-talented version of ryan leaf. full of potential and expectations, signifying nothing. ugh.

in other dreadful news, the dog whisperers have already passed on the idea of darren mcfadden as their future and promised 15 million dollars to a back-up running back that has scored six touchdowns in his four-year career. awesome. the only thing that could make that decision any worse is if he is going to share carries with a guy from mississippi state. oh, wait.

is it softball season yet?