you're the exception to my every rule


a lot has been made and shown and written lately about the idea of "body shaming".

making fun of or judging some part or all of a person's character by the way they look or how much they weigh feels like an exercise in laziness, at best, and an exercise in bullying at worst. no matter how aware our current culture is, sitcoms and movies still find comfort in the all too common trope of the fat guy or girl being the life of the party or the big butt of a joke, mainly because their loudness or clumsiness can be laughed at and laughed off because of their abnormal, relative to their co-stars, size.

the most eloquent deconstruction of the concept came from none other than a fat dude, louie ck, on his show earlier this summer.

and i get it, man, you know? i get it, but, at the same time, i don't get it.

i'm conflicted.

because i judge people by their size all the time.

now rarely, maybe never, have i or will i make fun of someone to their face. no way, man. not a chance. that trigger in my brain never fires, and i totally feel better about myself because i can't consciously remember ever slipping. i know, in my head, it's not my place to look at someone and tell them what to eat, how to eat, how not to eat, how they should exercise more or whatever other ugly thoughts pop into my head.

but just because no one is in the forest to hear it, doesn't a tree still make a sound when it falls?

i'm a fat-phobe, man. tried and true. i'm not coming out of the closet as such today. not by any means. it's documented on this very site. many times. here. here. and every other time i resolved with a list.

and so, today, i don't come here to apologize for my inner-most thoughts as much as i do to write them down for the first time in almost a year.

if there is one type of fat that confuses me moreso than any other, it's the "fat guy, skinny wife" thing that it seems the whole world perpetuates. by "whole world", obviously, i am being dramatic, but, seriously, how do fat guys get away with carrying 25 to 50 to 75 extra pounds in their necks and bellies while the female significant other destroys herself, her self-image, and her ability to enjoy life to portray a more socially accepted figure? it blows my mind some days. and pisses me off on others.

on some level, i understand more if both parties in the couple are a little overweight. i think there is something to the idea of being "fat and happy", at least in the sense that there is no reason whatsoever to go to the gym five days a week unless you are working towards a goal or you've been sentenced to do so by a doctor who fears for your health. eat breakfast, man. lunch. dinner. some fucking ice cream if you want to before you go to bed. if you are doing it together, then fuck the world. if only you are doing it while your wife is out running stadiums and eating salad with no dressing for dinner, something is off.

i wonder and fear not for the husband's health if they wear all the fat in the family. i wonder for the woman. like, what is it that is pushing them so hard to fit into the same size shit they wore in high school? is it society? is it that they wore husky as a kid and swore at some point in their life "never again!"? the worst thought i have, though, is that their male counterpart is the one applying the pressure. projecting their own ugly self-image onto the next best thing. preaching more than they practice.

"you're really gonna eat all of that?"

"you sure you need dessert?"

i see fat guys with their skinny wives and automatically think the worst. about the guy. about the relationship. about what message it sends to their kids.

"mommy, why are you always exercising and dad never does?"

i would never say it out loud. of course not. i wouldn't want to body shame any one to their face. i don't know their world. i don't walk in their shoes. i don't eat all their chocolate cake.

but i do wonder.

and i imagine those thoughts, in their own way, make a sound.

resolutions

(2013)

2012 was the first time in a long time that i didn’t post new year’s resolutions. i usually get to them toward then end of january anyway, and the end of january, 2012 was when we all know i got reintroduced to the cancer thing. not only did it throw off the resolutions on the blog, but it threw off the blog, on the whole, for about 10 months. only when we got to the end of the year did i get back to writing with any consistency, and, even then, it was shrouded with cancer this and chemo that. all relevant to my life-living, for sure, but you can only say so many times how shitty you feel before even you stop being interested in hearing about it, yourself. i’m starting to get tired of hearing about it.

so, it’s time to get back on the wagon, and it’s time to “get busy living” with at least as much moxy as i spent the lion’s share of the last year “get(ting) busy dying”.  ten resolutions. ten goals. ten ways to make 2013 a better place than 2012.

1) don’t die – i  always start with this. and, in a haunting way, i know that the one year that i fail will be my last, but, here’s the deal. i don’t want to die. not this year. maybe not ever. i don’t know that i’ll ever be ready to die. for 33 years, i took life for granted. i would live ‘til i was 85-95. i’d struggle getting around, and then i’d pass in my sleep. so naïve. every year up until 2009, i didn’t actively have to fight for my life. and then i did. cancer grew. we cut it out. 2010 and ’11 were a little more stable and had more psychological conflict than physical. 2012, i got back in the ring. cancer grew. again. we cut it out. again. and then the chemotherapy started. and it’s been an active fight not to die ever since. the first five months of 2013 are going to be hard, but if they help me “don’t die”, fuck it. i’ll take it.

2) be more positive…about everything – how often am i critical versus how often do i offer praise? if this blog can be considered a sample, the proof is right here on this site. now, i am not alone. as humans, we want people to know what grinds our gears in a way that we don’t when it comes to what makes us happy. i don’t really get it, but it’s just the way it happens. being happy takes work. saying you’re happy takes work. finding new ways to be happy takes work. telling other people positive things takes work. in the end, is the work worth it? data suggests it is. i am sitting in the louisville airport right now waiting on a flight out and away from the pet supplies plus yearly summit. our motivational speaker spent a lot of his time and energy on the power of positive reinforcement. he suggested that to make the same emotional impact on a person as just one criticism, you must give five praises. ridiculous. that sounds so hard. but the more thought i give to it, it sounds worth it. i hardly ever go out of my way to say nice things to my family or my friends or my employees. on the other hand, i yell and scream and bitch at all of them like it’s going out of style. granted, my temper is shorter than usual, but the fuse being short shouldn’t dictate the amount of anger that tends to pour out of me at the drop of a hat. i need to change this. hannah and caroline are both old enough to log my tantrums into their long-term memory banks. and that’s fine. every parent gets mad. every parent will yell. what i’ve got to do is find a way to balance out all that negativity. ideally, not only could i balance it out, but what if, at the end of the year, my kids and friends and employees could tell you that they felt more appreciated this year than they did last? it would make their world better. and it would make my world better. all around. i don’t know how i’ll quantify the results of this one at the end of the year to grade myself as pass or fail, but i’ve got to be better at this. for everyone around me.

3) run the vulcan 10k – this one includes a lot of work, but the essence is this. i felt better about myself when i was running. i was healthier and in a better mood. i loved being lean and as in shape at 35 as i ever in my life had been. i won’t be able to run, more than likely, ‘til the end of may. but that should give me plenty of time to get back to 10k strength, and that will be a great achievement for me.

4) help get humc a proper vision statement – this one should happen soon, but it’s no less an important goal for me. our long range planning committee has been working on and off for almost two years now on this project, trying to answer the question, “who is huffman united methodist church?” we think we have done our due diligence as a committee and we think we are fairly representative of the church, in general. this sunday, we take our recommendations to the portion of the church who have genuine interest in the future of our congregation and we’ll see if they agree or disagree. if they agree, we'll move forward with a quickness. If not, well, we’ll cross that bridge if it happens.

5) don’t get fat – those that have followed my resolutions for years should be proud of me that this isn’t number two per usual. my vanity has taken quite the hit over the last few years, but it’s not gone completely. fat and i just don’t get along. not exercising the way i’ve wanted to and i don’t get along. not eating as much as i damn well please and i don’t get along. either way, i’ve learned to use a phrase these last five months that i used to make fun of. “portion control”. instead of eating two or three servings of whatever at dinner because i had already burned 750 calories earlier in the day, i now may not finish everything on my plate, because i am already at my arbitrary calorie limit for the day. sad, but true. dammit, i am not getting fat.

6) do something other than bitch about guns – this one is going to take some work, but i don’t know what else to do. facebook, twitter, this blog and the like are great outlets for my whining, but it’s not going to change anything other than a very few minds. i don’t want to take your guns. or your rights. or your hunting privileges. but the backlash against the idea of gun control makes me want to fucking vomit. i get stat-ripped bullshit about hammers and bats and drunk driving. it’s not that i don’t want people not to die from hammers, it’s just that stat-ripping me about hammers makes you sound like a moron that is more in love with your gun than being a part of a solution to save one precious and fragile life from being blown away. i don’t have tons of disposable time, but i’d like to find a local and impactful way to get on the front line of a solution, not just offering my opinions from afar.

7) get limbo out of room 217 – firstly, this isn’t all on me, i get that. i think limbo has grown up and away from being kevin’s little baby, so maybe i should amend the wording. help get limbo out of room 217 at the church. we love our sunday morning time. we love our christmas parties. we love whenever we see each other, but we need to do more. from the jump, we’ve wanted to find ways to affect our world around us in relevant ways. my health and, well, just life have impacted that progress, but i think we’re ready to make it happen again. the conversation started anew without me last week. i can’t wait to get back and enter the fray next sunday and see what we can accomplish this year.

8) blog more – i mean, why not, right? this should be a gimme considering how low the number of posts were last year, but i am not putting this on the list for it to be a gimme. i am putting it on the list because i love to write. some posts, i am on. some posts, i am not. but i need to get back to it. because i like it. and because i want to get better. write. write to make sense. write to make sense to others. and write to give my girls what they deserve. a better understanding of who their daddy was when they weren’t aware that he did anything other than work, spend time with them, and go to falcons games.

9) for the love of sweet baby jesus, go see lebron games play in person – i think i’ve failed on this one two or three times by now, and that is ridiculous. he plays one or two games in atlanta every flipping year. i don’t want to see lebron when he’s a shell of his former self playing pick up games at the civic center in birmingham. i need to see him now, while he’s flash fucking gordon.

10) keep fuck(ing) this cancer shit – cancer will always be a part of me now, even if it’s not in me at the moment (i hope). but “fuck this cancer shit” isn’t just about the now. it’s not just about getting through the chemo phase of the program. it’s not just about praying for and hoping for another clean scan come may. the whole #ftcs thing, for me, has become a lifestyle. it’s become a coming out party of sorts. life is too short, man, to not make a difference. to not ruffle some feathers. to not call people out on their irrational obama bullshit or how cracked people get about tarnishing the legacy of the sweet baby jesus. for me, “fuck this cancer shit” doesn’t spit in people’s faces. it doesn’t mean to be disrespectful. it just may mean that your worldview doesn’t match up to mine and we need to figure out how to work that shit out. not for me. not for you. but for the betterment of us. and our world. and our future. it’s way past time to redefine what is unusual. to redefine appropriate. to redefine taboo. what the fuck matters in this world other than actively loving others and actively loving the ones we care about the most the best we possibly can? to me, “fuck this cancer shit” will mean being the best that i can possibly be, in every situation i can control, and coming out at the end of 2013 with a feeling of accomplishment that i haven’t had in years.

happy january, and make a resolution. challenge me on mine. go get yours.         

#ftcs

the color of urine
(2009 year in review)
((the curse of dcd))


this might not be as relevant a topic for my female readers (at least those that pee sitting down, wipe and never inspect their urine the way that men, by nature, are accustomed to doing), and for that, i apologize. but the question is this. how often do you pay attention, when going number one, to the liquid waste that is coming out of your body? if you are anything like me, pre-june, not very much. if it comes/came out extraordinarily yellow, one might think to themself, "man, i should drink more water." if it comes/came out extraordinarily clear, one might think to themself, "man, i've been drinking a lot of water." and that's about it, right? it was for me. for 32 and a half years, going to the bathroom standing up was about as unexciting a part of my day as it would be for any other human being.

and then, i peed blood.

the night in question was rather unremarkable. a pretty normal monday night as monday nights go. i played softball. have zero recollection as to whether or not we won (the trauma that would follow has rendered those events rather meaningless). i was probably dehydrated as i always was and had been before that night. i never drank water. always drank coke. probably quenched my thirst, post-game, with something carbonated. i half-way cleaned up. was ready for bed. went to the bathroom.

and then, i peed blood.

having never done so before, you can imagine my surprise. i went and got sarah, we went downstairs and started to google. i didn't even know what to be afraid of, but i was wishing that it was a one time thing. a figment of my imagination. we saw several options online, i calmed down enough to go to bed and sleep for a bit. i got up, nervously walked into the bathroom...

and then, i peed blood. again.

so, you are saying that something was off?

i called the doctor and you've heard the story since then. i was treated for an infection. i drank tons of water. things seemed to clear up. maybe they were right. maybe it was just "a really bad infection." several days passed. i started to feel better. one day remaining of my antibiotics. woke up six days after the initial incident thinking i had dodged a bullet.

and then i peed blood.

dammit.

"normal sized..."

"this is not."

"...mass."

"come back monday with your wife, and we'll talk about a plan."

"am i going to die?"

"no."

"you're sure??? i'm gonna make it?"

"we've got some work to do, but you are going to make it."

surgery.

day after.

"it was what we thought it was."

"renal cell carcinoma."

"completely isolated."

"totally contained."

"you can celebrate."

what the fuck just happened?

recovery.

sore.

dizzy.

scared.

getting stronger.

start to go crazy.

i am crazy.

seeing spots.

vision exam.

glasses (that i don't wear).

no eye tumors.

have a brainscan.

no tumor.

still feel crazy.

chest x-ray.

"results...negative"

get medicine.

start feeling a little better.

my elbow hurts.

what's that thing in my neck?

"it's a gland. or a lymph node."

"you are fine."

i don't believe you.

"you are going to be fine."

we'll see.

back to the original question. how often do you pay attention, when going number one, to the liquid waste that is coming out of your body? since that night in mid-june, i do every time.

every. single. time.

the intensity with which i anticipate going to the bathroom is knee-buckling at times. what if i pee blood again??? i only have one kidney now. i don't have a safety net. i am too young. i don't want to lose my family. i am not ready to die. I AM NOT READY TO DIE!!! WHY AM I SHAKING AGAIN? WHY AM I YELLING AT MY DAUGHTERS?

snap out of it, kevin...

please. chill the fuck out.

ok. i'll try. god help me. let 2010 be different. let 2010 be something else. let it be a celebration of the life i was taking for granted. let it be the first step in being prepared to handle something like this in a healthier fashion (for all involved) than i was able to this year.

let's rewind.

1) be a serviceable lay leader - well, serviceable was about as good as i can rank myself here. many pastors claim that the first year in their congregation isn't about doing as much as it is learning and getting to know their congregation. i tried to take the same approach, myself. i made all but one sprc meeting. i didn't miss a finance meeting. co-chaired a relatively smooth nominating process. took in a whole lot. didn't speak out of turn once. offered several opinions on things i thought important. didn't pick any fights. left some on the table. got through a fairly easy pastor transition. set my eyes upon being more proactive and visible in the coming year. all of which leaves me with what? a passing grade? yeah, i would think so. there are probably some that would still argue that i and my sunday school class had way too much to do with a pastor and some "key" members tucking tail, but i would argue that no one makes you leave a church. if there is a problem, it's a "you" problem as colin cowherd would put it. that's for another post. now, if my sunday school class and i can just shake this damned curse. more on that later.

2) don't die - i have shuddered every time i've gone back and read this since june. for each time this has made the list the last few years, it's been with tongue planted firmly in cheek. it will be number one with a bullet next year, but for very different reasons and with very different thought behind it. not that not dying was never important. it was. it just wasn't until this year that it sunk it that is was going to happen to me sometime. and maybe if i hadn't peed blood, it would have happened a lot sooner than later. shudder. nevertheless, if i am lucky enough to claim this as my second chance, things will be different moving forward in a major way. "don't die"??? check. goodness.

3) buy a motorcycle - in an ironic twist of fate attached to my losing a kidney, my doctor only set two limitations on my life moving forward when i asked him what i would have to change. "no motorcycles. no trampolines." if that means not meeting my maker for a long time, you just tell me where to sign, dr. wade. anybody got a pen?

4) speaking of my brother... - this one resolved to spend more time with brian, because my life is a better place when he is close and in it. unfortunately, the only time i saw him was when he made the trip to see me through my surgery. i am not sure if he or i imagined that he'd be helping me out of a hospital bed in 2009, but he never thought twice about coming. and i love him for that, even if i couldn't make this resolution happen.

5) don't get fat - mostly thanks to the extreme amounts of weight that i lost worrying about my condition and not eating for three days after the surgery, this one gets a check in the "success" column. i am hopeful that next year weighs more on my healthy habits (better diet, continued exercise) moreso than another trip to the operating table.

6) handle hannah's transition to kindergarten with dignity and respect - really, i handled this quite well. in truth, her going to school fell victim to my selfish state of mind when it came around at the beginning of august. i was only beginning to lose my mind, and, while it seemed sad and wonderful at the same time that she would be going to school, i didn't have it in me to shed vast amounts of time and energy worrying about her being ok. or mommy being ok. or my being ok. truth be told, she handled it better than anybody, and that's the way it was always going to be.

7) handle alabama's growing pains in 2009 with dignity and respect - lost a senior quarterback? starting running back? three starters off the offensive line, including two all-americans? who cares, right? i am so glad i was wrong on this one. this alabama football season has meant more to my mental healing than i probably even know. jan. 7th is very close now.

8) be more intentional about finding time for my friends - for the most part, an unfortunate fail must be registered on this one. sure, i saw kiker at softball and on several occasions outside of that, but circumstances dealt my want to see andy more a cruel blow and chris perry and i never hooked up. i found and find them on facebook now and the temptation to let that be good enough will be hard to fight. as i mentioned in january, i know we are "busy", but jeez. i saw one football game with the boys all together this year??? one??? one can hope that the national championship game will provide the means to make up for lost time. i will say, though, that there are and were beautiful exceptions to this rule. i feel like i got to spend a lot of good time with amy and katie, and let me be brutally honest for a second. i could not have made it through the year without my sunday school class. to kathy, brad, donald, tanya, chris, melinda, kim and deb...thank you for inviting me and sarah into your fold. thanks for putting up with all my sarcastic and inappropriate comments and language. thank you for your support. and thank you for your friendship. i would have always done anything for you if you had asked, but now i look forward to those opportunities. i love you all. now if we could only get past that curse. more on that later.

9) introduce other voices to HACAM - this started off with a bang. i appreciate rebecca and kiker's contributions. things waned heavily in my making it a priority, though, in the latter 3/4ths of the year, but this is still going to happen. this blog is going to feel a lot different next year. and that's a first glimpse of one resolution for 2010.

10) don't let the church consume me - you know. i made this work. i do feel like we are there every time the doors open again. and i was at a lot of meetings, events, etc. maybe because we did it more as a family than when i was on staff, but this year will provide a good template for next year and hopefully many years after that.

and now...saying good-bye to the curse of dcd.

i am not very well versed on being the victim of a curse. perhaps, you don't know that you are, in fact, cursed until you come out the other side. let's take a look at certain proverbial stones that struck the heads of the weeds class in 2009.

cancer.

the death of a husband/father/friend.

the celebration of a newborn child tempered by the realization that something is amiss.

the passing of the mother of one of our emeritus members.

why did all of this happen to us? was it because we didn't get along very well with the previous pastor and he has used his black magic, upon leaving, to ruin our lives? well, that's my theory, but i am rarely (and by "rarely" i mean usually) right about anything.

were we just unlucky? maybe in some terms. in others, though...

i lost a kidney, but not my life.

our class was blessed with healthy twins and a fighter in the mighty noah that will make all of us, most especially his incredible parents, better human beings.

one of us was a serviceable lay leader.

one of us rejoined our church's staff.

one of us will manage our facility with a strong, yet humble, hand.

one of us (with the help of the rest of us) will always make vbs rock even if she says this year is her last year.

one of us is now a city councilperson and can get me free stuff (oh yeah, and change her church AND her city for the better)

one of us continues to make our daycare a place worthy of a waiting list.

one of us championed our children, challenged our council and then led the way by shepherding our many faces of our future, herself.

one of us will bring our worship technology into the current millenia.

one of us will set an example for all our of church's mothers through the trials she has and will continue to overcome at home.

one of us, with his "questions", got this ball rolling.

were we cursed after june? as far as this blog was concerned, um, yes. absolutely.

in reality, crappy things happened, but lessons in perspective through the victories that we enjoyed together will forge, for us, a brighter tomorrow. that's a promise.

good riddance, 2009. don't let propaghandi hit you on the way out. because they will hit you. hit you in the face with my best record of the year.

2009...

the end of my world as i knew it.