"you're not wanted...on this island!"


an open letter to mr. bobby petrino:


dear mr. petrino, 

first off, how's the neck, man? and the road rash that was all over your face? i've dreamed of having a motorcycle for several years, now, but the picture of your neck in that brace and that road rash, man, it gives me pause. road rash seems like a pretty gnarly injury, like an indian sunburn times a million. it seems like it would be really terrible to skid across the pavement. on your face. just sayin'. 

i digress. 

you don't know me. my name is kevin o'kelley. i used to be a fan of yours. for a hot minute back in 2007, you took the reins of my atlanta falcons. your offensive mind seemed like a good fit to turn one of my favorite football players of all time, mike vick, into a complete quarterback. unfortunately for you, before you were even able to play with your new toy, news emerged that starship was all about fightin' some dogs back home, and so began what falcons fans now refer to as "the lost season". you were forced to start joey harrington at quarterback. joey harrington was terrible at playing quarterback. you lost a lot of games and mid-december, you bolted us for a more stable gig at the university of arkansas. i don't really blame you. i didn't pay any attention to the falcons while joey harrington was the quarterback either. then again, i wasn't on the payroll. then again, you let your players know of your decision by leaving laminated notes in their lockers. that was kind of a douche move, man. but you know all this. 

moving on, congrats on all your success at arkansas. you never really recruited defense or bothered coaching defense, but your offense was spectacular. so spectacular, in fact, that you won many more games than you lost even though you didn't really recruit defense or coach defense. you were set to have a really special season in 2012, but then that whole motorcycle thing happened. again, i'm really sorry about that road rash. that whole motorcycle thing brought to light that you had been having an affair and hired your mistress on at the university and may have expensed a $20,000 gift to her and all sorts of other soap opera-y stuff. because you misled your employers, they let you go, man. but you know all of this. 

fast forward to now and there are openings all over the sec that your name's been attached to. one of those openings is auburn, a school near and dear to me in that they are the most hated rival of my favorite professional college football team, the alabama crimson tide. 

i'm worried for you, man. in the last few days since auburn relieved noted awesome guy, gene chizik, from his duties as the football overlord in auburn, your name is being dragged through the mud like nobody's business. people in alabama talk a lot about the lord and the bible and sweet baby jesus' eternal gift of salvation, but we are not a forgiving bunch. even if we say that we forgive, we don't really forget. we hold grudges like motherfuckers, even if they aren't our grudges to hold. i'm telling you, man. to be so all about the bible as we say we are and quote all the time, we're a scary bunch. 

the prevailing sentiment amongst our god fearing state is that you are a scumbag. you have a lot of "baggage". you like "women" too much. you "lie". you are much more of a "problem" than you are worth. 

word on the street is that you are going to interview for the auburn job. 

i say turn away, man. i repeat, "you're not wanted...on this island." 

i know what you are thinking, bobby. i know it. 

you are thinking that you've learned your lesson. you realize the mistakes you've made are heinous, disrespectful towards your wife, your loved ones, and the university of arkansas. all you are thinking is that you would love one more last chance. to prove your naysayers wrong. to prove that a bad decision (or eight)  does not a bad man make. and i get it, bobby. i do. i'm a scumbag, too. sweet baby jesus knows how many times i've fucked up, and no one important has banned me from their life yet. 

i want you to have another chance bobby. i think you deserve it. i think everyone does. but alabama isn't everybody, man. just between you and me, it scares me here sometimes. the bible tells this really incredible story of a god that unconditionally loves all of his creation. in this state, there is no such thing as unconditional love. there are always conditions. 

you may be thinking that, in spite of my worries for you, you're the man for this auburn job. honestly, i don't disagree with you. but be warned, bobby. lots and lots of people, even auburn people, already really don't like you. they think you're damaged goods, man. they are okay if you work again. they just don't want you to work here. 

...

i know, bobby. i know. you've never had any problems with the ncaa. that seems important, especially when the previous football overlord at auburn had to provide semi-permanent office space for folks that were looking into all sorts of shenanigans with his program. it doesn't matter, bobby. you lied, man. you cheated on your wife. that's all that matters. 

...

i know, bobby. i know. you think you could beat alabama within three years and have auburn back on the national map sooner than the majority in this state could correctly spell "adultery". i don't think it matters, man. they don't want you. you're scum to them, man. you'll always be that joker of a guy in a neck brace with road rash all over his face. 

i'm rooting for you, though. i want you to to compete for this job. i want you to get it. i want you to win at auburn and win big, because alabama beating a competitive auburn is more much satisfying than beating down a shell of what auburn used to be football team.

if you are offered this job, bobby, again, don't say i didn't warn you. 

"you're not wanted...on this island."  

sincerely, 

kevin

the only national championship game preview that matters
(to me)
((that kid))
(((part two)))


it's been a tough pill to swallow all season, auburn only letting alabama celebrate its own national championship for one year, really it has. ever since alabama lost to south carolina, the dread of tonight's moment has been building. at that point in the season, nothing really had changed. alabama could still run the table and still held their destiny in their own hands and still held the hope that they could repeat as sec (and maybe national) champs. but the feeling was never really the same. if nothing else, the south carolina game exposed alabama as not perfect. not anymore. beatable. flawed. lacking...something. maybe it was a killer instinct. maybe it was experience on defense. maybe it was just that the secondary couldn't cover alshon jeffrey. whatever it was, the alabama football season never did feel as special as this alabama fan wanted it to, especially now that my worry that this was julio's last season has proven itself to be true.

what made alabama's "lost" (if you can call a ten win season with a likely final top twelve-ish ranking season a lost season) season so much worse was what was happening with auburn. early on in the year, let's face it, auburn should've lost. in overtime against clemson, auburn's offense was held to only a field goal. on their own possession, clemson's quarterback found a wide open receiver alone in the end zone. game over. no dream season. except that it wasn't, game over that is. the clemson player dropped the ball. the clemson kicker made a field goal to tie the game, sending the teams into a second overtime. except he didn't. an illegal procedure penalty was called during the kick. the clemson kicker missed the second try. auburn wins. no big deal, right? clemson wasn't a great football team. if auburn struggled against clemson like they had struggled earlier against mississippi state, this team, too, was flawed. auburn was going to have a decent to good season, but there didn't seem to be anything special about the team.

except there was.

cam freaking newton turned out to be really special.

south carolina (the first time).
kentucky.
arkansas.
lsu.
and (ugh.) alabama.

five more games that auburn could've lost if not for the special talents of their quarterback. their big, freakishly big, athletic, strong-armed quarterback. five more games that they could've lost, except they didn't.

the momentum built just like it did with alabama last year. the internet chatter became more and more annoying, just like it did with alabama last year.

and then, the game-changer. the pay-for-play story broke. the resulting scandal turned many auburn fans into lunatics and the auburn family bunkered in (ALL IN, mind you) deeper and deeper into their proverbial rendezvous hole, convincing themselves that espn was out to get them, convincing themselves that every sports media outlet was looking to tarnish their season. cam newton could do no wrong. the whole story was a lie, except it was proven that it wasn't.

the defense changed. the story wasn't bullshit anymore, but any person that implied a connection between the now guilty father and his golden boy son was thought to be an idiot. never mind the fact that the choice of where cameron newton would go to school was on record as not being cameron newton's choice. rumor-mongerers, aren't we all?

the football part of cameron newton's game is no longer in question. the human interest stories about his offensive coordinator are cute, but beside the point. michael dyer is a really good freshman running back, but he is merely a small piece of the puzzle. nick fairley is nasty, for sure, but he's anchored a defense that's given up twenty-five points a game. not really that impressive.

this, ladies and gentlemen, is a one man gang. cameron newton is a collegiate force of nature. those that follow this blog know how special i consider the athletes that have worn that tag on HACAM. i don't know what kind of coach chip kelly is. will having 37 days to prepare for a one man team help oregon's chances?

it should, but i don't think it will matter. cam newton is vince young, version 2010. he is better than everyone else. he is "that kid".

i think this will be a wildly entertaining football game. i think oregon is going to score on auburn early. i think cam newton is going to throw an interception in the first half on one of his deep throws that someone on his team has run underneath or someone on the other team has not picked off for the first 13 auburn games. i think that pick will turn into points and momentum and i am going to be surprised if oregon isn't up at the half.

i think people will start to believe that oregon can win, except that they won't. this is auburn's cam newton's year. and i think they win the night by two touchdowns.

i am interested in what my reaction will be to the eventual outcome. will i be happy for auburn in the same way that i would have been in year's past, especially in those years pre-julio and saban when alabama sucked? i don't know. it'll take watching the game to see where my emotions take me.

i hope the oregon uniforms look incredible in hd. and i hope that espn doesn't try and spread the hyperbole much farther than cameron newton tonight. or at least stop talking about everyone else after the first quarter. kind of like the oscar's does by announcing the winners in the supporting categories at the beginning of the show. yeah, you were great and all, but you weren't nearly as important as the leads.

tonight, the role of cam newton will be played by cam newton. in this movie, that's the only fact that matters.