"you're not wanted...on this island!"


an open letter to mr. bobby petrino:


dear mr. petrino, 

first off, how's the neck, man? and the road rash that was all over your face? i've dreamed of having a motorcycle for several years, now, but the picture of your neck in that brace and that road rash, man, it gives me pause. road rash seems like a pretty gnarly injury, like an indian sunburn times a million. it seems like it would be really terrible to skid across the pavement. on your face. just sayin'. 

i digress. 

you don't know me. my name is kevin o'kelley. i used to be a fan of yours. for a hot minute back in 2007, you took the reins of my atlanta falcons. your offensive mind seemed like a good fit to turn one of my favorite football players of all time, mike vick, into a complete quarterback. unfortunately for you, before you were even able to play with your new toy, news emerged that starship was all about fightin' some dogs back home, and so began what falcons fans now refer to as "the lost season". you were forced to start joey harrington at quarterback. joey harrington was terrible at playing quarterback. you lost a lot of games and mid-december, you bolted us for a more stable gig at the university of arkansas. i don't really blame you. i didn't pay any attention to the falcons while joey harrington was the quarterback either. then again, i wasn't on the payroll. then again, you let your players know of your decision by leaving laminated notes in their lockers. that was kind of a douche move, man. but you know all this. 

moving on, congrats on all your success at arkansas. you never really recruited defense or bothered coaching defense, but your offense was spectacular. so spectacular, in fact, that you won many more games than you lost even though you didn't really recruit defense or coach defense. you were set to have a really special season in 2012, but then that whole motorcycle thing happened. again, i'm really sorry about that road rash. that whole motorcycle thing brought to light that you had been having an affair and hired your mistress on at the university and may have expensed a $20,000 gift to her and all sorts of other soap opera-y stuff. because you misled your employers, they let you go, man. but you know all of this. 

fast forward to now and there are openings all over the sec that your name's been attached to. one of those openings is auburn, a school near and dear to me in that they are the most hated rival of my favorite professional college football team, the alabama crimson tide. 

i'm worried for you, man. in the last few days since auburn relieved noted awesome guy, gene chizik, from his duties as the football overlord in auburn, your name is being dragged through the mud like nobody's business. people in alabama talk a lot about the lord and the bible and sweet baby jesus' eternal gift of salvation, but we are not a forgiving bunch. even if we say that we forgive, we don't really forget. we hold grudges like motherfuckers, even if they aren't our grudges to hold. i'm telling you, man. to be so all about the bible as we say we are and quote all the time, we're a scary bunch. 

the prevailing sentiment amongst our god fearing state is that you are a scumbag. you have a lot of "baggage". you like "women" too much. you "lie". you are much more of a "problem" than you are worth. 

word on the street is that you are going to interview for the auburn job. 

i say turn away, man. i repeat, "you're not wanted...on this island." 

i know what you are thinking, bobby. i know it. 

you are thinking that you've learned your lesson. you realize the mistakes you've made are heinous, disrespectful towards your wife, your loved ones, and the university of arkansas. all you are thinking is that you would love one more last chance. to prove your naysayers wrong. to prove that a bad decision (or eight)  does not a bad man make. and i get it, bobby. i do. i'm a scumbag, too. sweet baby jesus knows how many times i've fucked up, and no one important has banned me from their life yet. 

i want you to have another chance bobby. i think you deserve it. i think everyone does. but alabama isn't everybody, man. just between you and me, it scares me here sometimes. the bible tells this really incredible story of a god that unconditionally loves all of his creation. in this state, there is no such thing as unconditional love. there are always conditions. 

you may be thinking that, in spite of my worries for you, you're the man for this auburn job. honestly, i don't disagree with you. but be warned, bobby. lots and lots of people, even auburn people, already really don't like you. they think you're damaged goods, man. they are okay if you work again. they just don't want you to work here. 

...

i know, bobby. i know. you've never had any problems with the ncaa. that seems important, especially when the previous football overlord at auburn had to provide semi-permanent office space for folks that were looking into all sorts of shenanigans with his program. it doesn't matter, bobby. you lied, man. you cheated on your wife. that's all that matters. 

...

i know, bobby. i know. you think you could beat alabama within three years and have auburn back on the national map sooner than the majority in this state could correctly spell "adultery". i don't think it matters, man. they don't want you. you're scum to them, man. you'll always be that joker of a guy in a neck brace with road rash all over his face. 

i'm rooting for you, though. i want you to to compete for this job. i want you to get it. i want you to win at auburn and win big, because alabama beating a competitive auburn is more much satisfying than beating down a shell of what auburn used to be football team.

if you are offered this job, bobby, again, don't say i didn't warn you. 

"you're not wanted...on this island."  

sincerely, 

kevin