"he's climbing in yo windows. he's snatchin' yo people up, tryin' to rape 'em. so, y'all need to hide your kids, hide your wife, and hide yo husband 'cause they rapin' err'body out here."
in case you were busy hiding under a rock or praying for our country, you missed the biggest meltdown i've seen on facebook since cam newton ripped alabama's heart out two seasons ago.
on tuesday, in spite of obvious evidence that our country probably needs more than two parties to choose from when electing our commander-in-chief, we had an election, verily, between two men. the entire country was aware of the two possible outcomes. either the incumbent would win and control the world for another four years, or his opponent would win and take his shot in the box to win the world over and save humanity in less time than it takes a toddler to figure out how to write their name. no pressure.
you would imagine, with only two possible outcomes, rational people would have prepared themselves for both outcomes. happy if their guy won. disappointed if their guy lost, get up, go to work the next morning, all the same.
but you would be wrong.
gloriously wrong.
like, mind-blowingly, orgasm-ly wrong.
on social media and the cable news networks at about 1130 pm eastern standard time, shit got real.
obama was declared the winner.
the loser?
america?
the real winner?
me. and you. and every other human that likes to mix it up on facebook.
(names removed to protect the innocent)
"WELCOME TO THE SOCIALIST STATES OF AMERICA."
"FUCK THIS SHIT. I'M GOING TO GET MY FOOD STAMPS. WHO'S WITH ME?"
"PLEASE, LOVING, HOLY
"I AM SCARED. NO, REALLY. I AM LITERALLY PEEING MY PANTS RIGHT NOW. I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT I KNOW OBAMA IS TO BLAME."
"SWEET BABY JESUS. COME TAKE ME NOW. I AM READY TO SEE YOU (and my hamster, cocoa, that passed away last year)!!!"
"LEVITICUS THIS!"
"PAUL THAT!"
"wait, colorado passed what?"
"HAVE FUN KILLING ALL THOSE BABIES, OBAMA."
"ALL HOMOSEXUALS ARE COMING TO SEX ON YOU. RIGHT. NOW. ALL OF THEM."
and so on. and so forth. and so on. and so forth.
behind seeing the birth of my three children, had i been off on wednesday, it may have been the greatest day of my life.
people shit on facebook all the time, but if it is not a glorious human experiment, i don't know what is.
facebook and twitter and tumblr and reddit and name that social media outlet give humans the liquid courage to, if nothing more, speak their mind in an honest way that they often wouldn't in face to face interactions.
sarah and others have asked themselves why they read comment boards after an interesting article. if you make a habit of it, you often feel like you have to shower the smog of humanity off of you before heading out for the rest of your day. but there is goodness in facebook. and on those boards. because you get one of two types of people. trolls, there just to stir the shit, worthwhile in their own minute way, and honest people.
in general, most of our face to face encounters are short and sweet, with very little depth. we are all too busy to talk to all 367 facebook friends several times a year and look through picture-books of their kids and family, find out where they are working, find out what they like and don't like, find out what grinds their gears. spend a few hours online, though, and you can find out a lot about a person. at the very least, you find out what they want you to know, which, in and of itself, is telling.
wednesday, man. you found out a LOT about a lot of people. through what they posted. through their comments. through their passive aggressive retweets and "likes". if there was a footprint of a person anywhere on wednesday, you knew if they were for your team or not.
my team won the election, but, wow, did the other side win the next term in the land of dramatic overreaction-ville.
not only were the above all caps quotes (or some sentiment thereof) shouted from the mountaintops, but some folks were so forlorn they swore off social media altogether. their spirits were so broken down by what they thought would happen or should happen, it was just too much.
there have been continuations of that theme as the week has tip-toed forward, but nothing as grandiose as the chicken little act that hit the fan wednesday.
if it all wasn't so incredibly awesome, one might be ashamed. i am not ashamed. i am only disappointed i couldn't micro-blog the entire experience from my couch.
i suppose cooler heads will prevail. maybe we'll all learn to get along and not be so surprised at the result of an event that fivethirtyeight.com has had pegged for weeks and weeks and weeks, because, you know, he does math. but nate silver isn't asked to make the rounds at fox news. fox news bases most of their forecasting on the obese gut feelings of dick morris and karl rove.
while those guys finish wiping the shards of their remains off the fox news floor, i'll be anxiously awaiting republican jesus and hope he doesn't throw poop on me while he judges me to be left behind.
until then, seriously, chill the fuck out, people.
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