all the world is a symptom


so, why has HACAM become so hit and miss again after getting back into the swing of things last month?

well, the embarrassing and easy answer is because i can't work myself up to write much these days. it's not that i don't want to. i really do. but the last few weeks have been tough, and i am mired in something that i don't know how to get out of just yet.

i want to write to "you" about my new glasses.

what is that feeling in my back?

i want to write more about football.

wait a second. i've never seen that mole before.

i want to sing the praises of the braves that have won, like, 25 games in a row since i wrote them off and still are playing relevant games during the last week of the season.

why am i dizzy?

i want to write about my girls. when's the last time i churned out a "hannah and caroline and me" post?

has that lump always been there?

i saw inglourious basterds and loved it. you wouldn't know it from visiting this site, though.

are those floaters that i am seeing?

i just bought brand new's daisy. after several listens, it's rivaling "the end of the world" for my album of the year (not so difficult this year since i've purchased less than ten records in 2009. pathetic.).

jesus christ. am i dizzy again?

fringe and the office are back. and yet, there's only a tiny part of me that gives a flip.

(types webmd.com again...clicks on "symptom checker") yep. brain tumor. that's the other shoe.

sarah asked me the other afternoon how much time during my day i wasn't thinking about the random things going on in my body. i told her less than five percent. that's probably being generous. i am constantly thinking about it. and by "constantly", i mean always. and by "always", i mean every waking second. i am not thinking about my girls. or my friends. or the halloween carnival. or playing softball. or alabama football. or the braves. or anything else. ever. because i am scared. to death. of something.

is it death? maybe. separation from my family and friends...or god? probably. something else entirely? just anxiety that's going to seem like a big joke six months or a year from now? damn...i hope so.

it is killing me right now. eating away at my soul. and i can't say it out loud. not as much as i feel it, because when people ask me (knowing what i went through during the summer) "how are you feeling?", they don't have the wont or the time to hear the real answer. that i feel like i am going crazy. that i feel like i've never felt before, and i want to get out. that if i was honest with the inquiring mind, i would probably start crying. it's not fair to those folks that have been thinking about me and praying for me. i've been a burden on them for too long already. i am thankful you don't live in the same house with me and see me during my lowest points. sarah and the girls spent the night away last night. i was a basketcase. i dozed for two hours (maybe), tops. and that was on accident. i woke up to the same sensations that i laid down with. i should be stronger than this, right?

this i know. i could go to my doctor and tell him all this (again). i could convince him to scan my head or my body and give me the visible evidence the pathology report suggested. i could make them show me they didn't "miss something" or that something hasn't been growing someplace they didn't look back in july even though the report says that what i had didn't go anywhere. i could do that. and i may, still, have to to escape having to admit myself into a psychiatric unit. but how long would that last? how long would i give that information its right credit? when would it's worth expire? a couple months? six? a year? do i really want to be "that guy" that has to pay out of pocket for co-pays and scans for the rest of his life for peace of mind, or can i just trust my doctor and those that love me and are privy to the same medical information i am and know that i should be and am ok. i want to be the latter. i do.

but i am a mess right now.

and i don't know what to do with it all.

on the surface, i look fine (other than this terrible-ass excuse for a beard). my scars have healed. i've got most of my weight back. i'm working. exercising. playing. faking a smile.

below the surface, something wicked this way will come. maybe in a few minutes at church. maybe later. but, it'll come. in the form of a dizzy feeling or tweak in my back or a sensation in my leg. and i am going to freak out about it.

i am sorry. this post is much more self-serving than most. i don't need you to feel sorry for me. i just need you to know. so, i don't have to tell you out loud and waste any more of your time.

this is homework. this is for me to read later today and tomorrow. this is me looking in the mirror and trying to move forward.

this is getting old.

"more on that after tonight's game."


...plus the two after that.

you know how there were two big stories leading up to the big bama/va. tech game? one, of course, was the julio/mark ingram fishing trip that probably, if it wasn't alabama football, should've never become a story. everyone in "saban nation" held their collective breaths in the hopes that two of alabama's most quality starters wouldn't be suspended for the opening, if not more, game. we all exhaled when it was announced that the two would be eligible to play.

the second story? it was the one about brandon deaderick getting shot. yep. alabama's starting defensive tackle that took a bullet in the arm and the thigh just days before his 2009 season opener. the first wave of concern was for the well-being of the young man. "is he OK?" "boy, that sucks for him!" "i hope they catch the guy that did it." that kind of stuff. once those questions were answered, though, the second wave of concern turned toward "well, since he's OK and all, ...is he going to play?" typical bama fans. typical any fans, right? the short version, as we all know, is that he did, in fact, man up and freaking play. that he did still amazes me. i only have had guns pointed in my direction, and both times i couldn't function for a month. that this guy actually got shot and went and did his football thing less than a week later is only more evidence of how much of a woman i truly am. i digress.

how many of you that watched the game remember deaderick having any sort of tangible impact on the game? any of you? sure, his name and his guts were mentioned, but i watched every snap of the game and most of the replay and it wasn't him as much as it was cody and dareus and anders on the defensive line that stood out to me. the d-line dominated for a lot of the game, and a guy that started every single game last year was hardly mentioned. and therein, more than any other example that i've seen through bama's first three games, lies the point that now defines this new era of alabama football. quality depth.

shula era fans could usually count on alabama's first 22 being on par or close to, talent-wise, their sec competition. not so with the second string, though, and if something major happened to a position at the top two levels of the depth chart, avert your eyes! remember when alabama would occasionally trot out a white receiver? exactly. white receivers shouldn't happen on purpose. just sayin'. and don't give me wes welker, friends of mine. he's the exception that proves the rule.

things are different now, though, and alabama has quality depth at almost every position. my most recent talking point over the last couple of weeks has been how julio's bruised knee may be the key for another dream season if only for the reason that mcelroy has now become acquainted with teammates whom catch the ball that don't wear number 8. do we, as fans, want our jesus back? of course we do. but it will be much easier for julio, long term, if maize and peak and mccoy can draw some attention their way too.

b.j. (or burton) scott is another great example of what i am speaking to. i don't have the numbers in front of me, but rivals and scout dot com anoint, i would guess around 50 or so high school seniors as "five star" recruits every year. two years ago, b.j. was one of those, right along with julio. his coming was to the capstone was almost as compelling as julio's. almost. but here was a kid that, like mark ingram and julio, already "looked" the part and had physical skills to spare. where has b.j. scott been the last 17 games??? mostly, on the bench. without a place to play. my guess is that he'll take javy's role both on D and in the return game next year, but to have such a talented and regarded athlete holding his helmet every saturday says all you need to hear about the excess of talent saban is stocking in tuscaloosa.

it's probably unfair for me to make any sort of projections on the season now that we're three weeks in, but i will say this. barring any unforeseen injuries, alabama losing more than two games this year will be a major upset in my head. sure, they could trip up if they take someone lightly, but the longer saban is there, the less likely that seems. but they will have more, on paper, than every team they play this year minus lsu and a potential rematch with tebow and friends to end the season. and they've got lsu at home. the one achilles heel remains the group in the secondary that seem to have learned their trade at the anthony madison school for never getting their head around to see the ball, so we'll just have to see if that plays a major role in an upset as we move forward.

being an alabama fan has not been this fun or given so much reason for optimism in a long, long time. timing-wise, for me, this has been a good thing. having one more thing to worry about and/or stay up at night dwelling on would be bad for personal business. thank you, nick saban, for taking my happiness into account.

you are the man.

roll tide.

exhibit way too many


anybody watch the braves game last night?

nobody?

well, i shouldn't have been watching either.

add to my list of gripes from the previous post that bobby cox is probably, single-handedly, costing tommy hanson rookie of the year.

good grief.

no use, really, to beat a dead horse, but if you read the article, check out the quotes from the astros hitters. they were happy, happy(!!!), that the closer was coming in. tommy had yet to reach 100 pitches.

terrible.

jesus and friends
(and goodnight, braves)


it probably wasn't clear to braves reliever kris medlen when he came into the games on wednesday and thursday that he was playing the role of bobby cox's proxy and shutting the door on atlanta's underwhelming season. two consecutive sixth inning meltdowns in winnable games marked the end of the road for this infuriating team. had they closed out both? last night's representative loss to the reds would not have been crippling. but they did. and it was. time to wait 'til next year.

i have not always loathed bobby cox. mostly, during the braves magnificent run of success not so long ago, i was indifferent to him. those braves teams didn't seem to win or lose because of bobby cox. they won because of starting pitching and a supernova of a switch-hitter in chipper jones that all opponents feared. last season and this season have felt different, though. it feels like the braves have lost their share of games and games in the standings due to incredibly boneheaded moves and non-moves made by their "manager", and by "manager" i mean the now comically disproportioned older gentlemen that occasionally finds a way to get thrown out of the game. all the players seems to have tremendous respect for cox, still, but i wonder how much of that is respect for a romanticized version of him from back in the day. this year, he has been nothing to love. he ruined jordan schafer's development. he has consistently refused to juggle his line-up in accordance to who may be struggling or who may be hot. his blind loyalty to kelly johnson and jeff francouer early in the season handicapped the line-up in a way that made the braves feel like a triple-A team after chipper and mccann. his most indefensible crime, though, has been the handling and feel for his team's pitching staff. the braves came into the season with it's deepest starting pitching rotation in years, but, as i noted early in the season, there was not one among the bunch that could carry the staff or that was a severe threat to throw complete game shutouts. that being said, the bullpen and when to make "the call" there and whom to call would end up defining the vast majority of the braves' failures this season. the last three losses have, again, illuminated the problem. wednesday and thursday, medlen was trotted out in the sixth after having pitched on tuesday. for a tenured reliever, this may not be an issue. for a rookie that has spent his baseball career as a starter pitching every four to five days and had been lit up on the second day of his last and only other back-to-back days effort, it was. he was horrible. the braves gave up leads, lost games and opened the door. friday night was lowe that was left out one inning too long. but it could have been javy. or kawakami. or jurrjens. it's happened to all of them. left out one inning too long only to give up the lion's share of their runs in that last inning and pulled after it was too late. on friday night, it ended up being lowe, and the braves turned out the lights and walked out that door, closing the book on any realistic shot of making the postseason.

bobby cox can't make guys hit. bobby cox can't make chipper not suck over the last two months. but he can and is fully responsible for keeping his team in games and with leads that their starters have afforded him. and in this regard, he performed miserably this year. i bite my thumb at you, bobby cox. enjoy the offseason.

to those starters and mccann and yunel and martin and diaz and sori and gonzalez and moylan and chipper of may and june that kept me interested in the braves for much longer than i was last year, i say "thanks". it was a good ride. i'll get excited again next spring when jason heyward comes to camp looking to claim his rightful place as the true heir to dale murphy's empty throne in the braves outfield.

for now?

when one door closes in life and in sports, another door opens. welcome back, college football.

more on that after tonight's game.

roll tide.

"to all the girls i've loved before..."


the ballast for fulfilling my hopes and dreams returns tonight.

no, not You.

you're so vain, Jesus.

hugs and kisses, timmy. know that i love you...win or lose.