the day i started considering a twitter account


for as long as HACAM (birthed as HAM) has been around, i've had the blogroll over to the right that's not as much a blogroll as it is a tip into my daily internet surfing habits. "to pass the time" isn't as much recommendation as it is this is what i like, maybe you would too. the most disappointing part of "to pass the time" has been the coming and going of friends that started a blog, wrote for a short period of time, then left the blog just sitting there, an interweb snapshot of what sounded like a good idea at the time only to play out as a timekiller that was eventually re-prioritized to the back of the backburner. andy, kiker, joseph, rebecca used to write, and then they didn't. my brother is still linked, but he doesn't write anymore. so, "to pass the time" isn't as much a blogroll, because i don't know many people anymore that blog.

as it stands now, the longest tenured blogger on the list is a guy i've never met, but his work has been a part of my life for years now, a guy named dan shanoff. i "met" dan several years ago when he was writing for espn.com's page two. his column was called "the daily quickie" and it was brilliant for it's time. it summed up the previous days biggest sports news and the day-of's stories that espn would likely be tracking in quick-hitting, 15-20 word blurbs. he was full of piss and hyperbole, using the phrase "instant classic" before you started hearing it everywhere and quick to judge last night's game as the best. thing. ever. it was awesome then. and it's awesome now. dan's been gone from espn for several years now, but his daily quickie concept has had several different iterations, most notably as the morning "wake-up call" on the sporting blog and then on his personal blog.

about six months ago, dan started teasing his new company, a company that he would appropriately call "quickish". quickish launched about a month ago and it quickly and easily has become my most passionate internet obsession (sorry, facebook). so, what is quickish? this page describes it in full, but, in short, it's a insta-ish hub for all things sports. every sports reporter has a twitter nowadays. many of them use their clever powers for good and post intelligent quips and commentary about the events they are paying attention to. quickish's editors cull through all of these tweets/columns/on-air commentary and publish what, in their opinion, makes the most relevant sense to the narrative a respective game/match is telling/will tell tomorrow. thus far, quickish has been at it's rapid fire best during nationally broadcast, everyone-is-paying-attention games. the divisional nfl playoff games, jimmer fredette's coming out party last week against san diego st. and today's lakers/celtic tilt are good examples. last sunday, though, most of the sports country was watching the same thing, the nfl conference championship games. fortunately for quickish, they just so happened into a circumstance that almost destroyed the internet.

if you were watching the bears/packers game, you know the story. jay cutler is mysteriously absent when the bears take the field early in the third quarter. fox is sent scrambling to tell the nation what the crap is going on. their sideline investigation discovers that "something" has happened to one of cutler's knees, and he is questionable to return. the funny thing is, cutler, if you go purely by the picture on the television, didn't look hurt. he wore his normal douchebaggery look on his face as he hid under his hooded overjacket and toboggan. their were images of cutler trying to loosen up...something...on the stationary bike. cameras caught him later in the game staring aimlessly from the bench. not helping his back-up read the endzone pictures. not encouraging his teammates that were fighting without him for a trip to the super bowl. he reacted with positive emotion after his back-up's back-up got the bears back into the game, but, by that point, the internet (mostly via twitter) had written their story.

what is wrong with cutler?

why isn't he in the game?

this guy has no heart!!!

they would have to drag me off the field on a stretcher!

is he even hurt???

he's not hurt, he's scared!

he looks retarded!!!

i bet he spits on old people!

jay cutler raped my baby!

death to jay cutler!!!

long live caleb hanie!

who is caleb hanie?

exactly.

the reaction and the punishment was swift and severe. the internet had declared jay cutler a quitter, and it is going to take him years (if ever) to shake that tag, a result of one football game (his biggest ever, of course) out of many, many football games he's played.

quickish editors, i can only imagine, were in heaven. everyone in the sports community, players and reporters and fans alike, had an opinion, and they were all putting it out "for all the world to see".

i got caught up in it, myself. i jumped on facebook and live-blogged along to the events of the fourth quarter. it was invigorating and fun. i wanted to be a quickish editor so bad i could taste it. by the time i joined the fray, the cutler thing was almost old news, so i commented on the game itself, rooting against a hamstrung bears team that i didn't want to watch in the super bowl. i loved it!

shortly after the game, a facebook friend posted a status update.

"facebook is not twitter."

i felt the twinge in my gut as though they were saying it to my face, calling me out in shame. you idiot! don't you know how to use the internet?

now, they may or may not have been talking about my blowing up their status feed with shit they cared nothing about, but my guess is that they were.

which begged the question, do i want a twitter account?

i am still not sure if i do. at this point, i am much more interested in the idea of "following" the sports-related community than i am in search of another public outlet to spout my opinions. and to be honest, the idea that "facebook is not twitter" is debatable in it's own right. facebook is competing for advertising dollars with twitter. i am certain they would love if they could pull relative newbies like me away from a quasi-competitor and keep me committed to them and only them.

what i do know is that it seems to me like the advent of quickish is affirmation of something that i truly believe. you can dislike the era that we are currently in, the era where social media has given just as much weight to what i say as anybody else, but this is an evolution, not a fad. just like the cell phone and the laptop, social media is a step forward, not a step back.

i love that quickish has tapped into the potential of what is likely only going to grow in depth, quality and style. i love that, even if i decide against the whole twitter account, quickish allows me to tap into that universe and reap its benefits at the same time it's arming me to comment on its darkside. thanks to quickish, i probably don't need a twitter account to know that the national consensus paints jay cutler as worthless and jimmer as basketball jesus.

but, i'll probably get one anyway.

i resolve
(2011)


"i'm so used to shooting myself in the kneecaps, standing in the way of progress and letting down my friends..."

if 2010 was the year i faced my fears, 2011 will be about moving forward and letting go. it's not exactly january one. i get that, but this post was never going to be properly based in my reality until after i had my 18 months-out scan. had the scan i now have, and i am super happy to report (granted, HACAM is late to the story...facebook got the exclusive) that my remaining kidney was, in the words of my doctor, "working like a champ" and there were "no surprises" to be found. so, what does that mean, exactly? well, for one, it means i can take another deep breath. for two, it means that i can go to the bathroom for a few months without the fear of seeing blood in my urine. it may sound silly, but, let me tell you, i will never take going to the bathroom and everything being "normal" for granted for the rest of my life. that last tuesday's scan gave me the peace of mind to not worry about that type of thing, if even for a little while, it was worth it. for three, and this is probably the most important realization i've come to in the last seven days, it would seem to me (me, of course, catching up with the rest of my world) that i am currently cancer-free. now, a more rational person may argue, "but, kevin, weren't you technically cancer-free on july 23rd of 2009 when they removed that rotten kidney from your abdomen?" the rational person, it has been proven, would be correct. that's not the way i've viewed things for the last 18 months, though. the way i've seen it, if there was one bad cell in my body that could grow into many bad cells that could grow into a tumor, surely there were more of those bad cells lurking in my body and had only yet to be found. for 18 months, i've been waiting, not so patiently, for the "other shoe" to drop, having one of my many tests or scans to show me what i had already convinced myself of to be true. that i still had cancer. but, the thing is, i didn't. or, i don't. what everyone else knew that i couldn't own was the form of cancer that was inside of my body had a relatively simple curative treatment if the cancer was contained, which mine was. remove the kidney. the pathology report showed that the cancer was isolated, it had not reached the margins of the organ and i was to "celebrate" my good news. i just. couldn't. do it. what about my chemo? what about my radiation? i haven't even seen an oncologist! this isn't how cancer goes! but, for me. it did. over the last seven days, i've started to realize what's been true now for 18 months. i was fucking lucky. and i don't have cancer. if something had spread from my kidney tumor, it would have manifested itself somewhere else by now. it hasn't. thank you, god. does last tuesday's test mean i will never be sick again in my life or that i'll never have to fight off something else somewhere down the road? no, of course it doesn't. but what it does mean is i am back with the rest of you. my risk is no greater. my chances are no higher. everything left behind in my urological system is ticking as it should. "no surprises" were found. i guess my physical story has been about the same for 18 months now. emotionally, i've had some catching up to do. i'll still worry about stupid things. i did that before june of 2009. i'll still be hyper-aware of things that are changing in and with my body. that's just me. emotionally, i've had some catching up to do, but i am just about caught up. hey there, friends. my name is kevin o'kelley. nice to see you again.

to the list...

1) don't die - you didn't think the above would let this baby slip from number one, did you? something haunting hit me as i was mentally outlining today's post. that being, if i kept "don't die" on my resolutions list every year, one year i was going to fail and not be able to write about the lessons i had learned from the failure afterward. i am still nowhere comfortable with the thought of moving on to whatever is next. maybe, if i am lucky enough to be around in 25 years, "don't die" will have slid down to, like, number 7. in 2011? it's numero uno.

2) see fewer doctors - in the last 18-ish months, i have had the following: 4 abdominal ct scans (the first one that found the tumor), 4 chest x-rays, 1 chest ct (required because of the motion artifact of july, 2010), 1 brain scan (a "peace of mind scan" that my primary care doctor allowed and set up for me because my post-operation dizziness had me convinced that i had a brain tumor), 3 moles removed at the dermatologist (surely you didn't think i would automatically rule skin cancer out.) 1 set of glasses issued (i started seeing noticing floaters shortly after my surgery, which prompted a visit to an eye doctor. i was certain i had something dreadfully wrong, "eye tumors" if you will) that i never wear but note every time i squint i should probably give them a try (what? i went to the optometrist to make sure i didn't have "eye tumors", not to get glasses!), many blood tests, i've been on and now off the anti-depressant, lexapro, i 've been poked, prodded, listened to and lectured by at least 5, maybe 6 different doctors. it's time to cut that number back a little bit. schaeffer eye center keeps calling me to make sure i come back in for my yearly visit. i should go and do that. sarah's gonna make me get more moles cut off toward the end of the year at that annual trip, and i am guessing i'll have to visit my pcp at least a couple times, but cutting many doctor's visits down to a few would be a giant step forward. 

3) don't get fat - "don't get fat" reappears after a one year absence from the list. the reason? i keep putting on weight. at my last two pcp checkups, my weight was higher than the previous visit. adding insult to that injury, i did a body mass test on the wii a couple weeks ago and it, too, told me i had gained weight. now, obviously, i am not fat...yet, but i've come to realize that if i don't start eating a little better, i think, for the first time in my life, i could be. whether it's my metabolism slowing down a little or a combination of that and bad food choices, 2011 will be the year that i take my body back and intimidate you all with my level of fitness. which brings us to number 4...

4) run - what. the. fuck? seriously, if you had told me five year's ago that i would have "run" on a resolutions list, i would've laughed at you and told you to pass me another hot dog. no, really. pass me a hot dog. with chili. and onions. and extra cheese. slaw, too, please. dunk that motherscratcher in gravy with a side of sweet heat chips and then (and only then) could you explain to me how in five years i would think that adding "run" to my list of resolutions would be a good idea. but, here we are. and i am going to do it. at this point, i have to. i've already bought running shoes. i've committed. and so, the specific goal will be this. run in at least one 5k by the end of the spring and a 10k by the end of the fall. after my first "run" on sunday left me looking for a neighbor's trash can to vomit in, i know i've got a long way to go. if you ask me, though, this one is going to be a gimme.

5) find kiker and andy again - this one is hard, because it's unexpected as well. i am not sure how i lost tangible touch with two of my closest friends of my last ten years, but it happened. we've had long bouts of not being able to hang before, but we always had football season to look forward to. then, this year happened. and came. and went without us getting together if only for one bama blowout. it's takes two to tango. i know this. and i understand my prioritizing limbo over some baptist cult in palmerdale (don't gasp...they'll know i'm kidding) has played a significant role in the lack of hang-time, but i do miss them. and i miss them in a way that facebook is never going to be able to solve. here's hoping i can find a way to make this a win by the end of the year, with a genuine hope that we can make it happen sooner rather than later.

6) buy some freaking music - talk about slowing to a halt. one of the early staples of HACAM was the year end "best of my music" list, but we've had to discontinue that effort because i rarely buy any new music anymore, which is completely ridiculous. at 34, do i really want to already be that guy that has stopped listening to and looking for new artists? that guy that is now certain there will never be another band as kick-ass as blood brothers or bearvsshark once were. i don't want to be that guy, but i was that guy in 2010. my favorite album in 2010? fucking yeezy??? a kanye record??? have i lost my mind??? maybe, but maybe 2011 will be the year that saves me from myself. with new records on the horizon from blink, yellowcard, brand new, panic at the disco, fun, thrice, green day, taking back sunday and manchester orchestra among others, surely i can find room in my cd changer for more than the 7 or 8 records, total, that i spent money on last year. 

7) see julio play in a football game - over the last couple of years, this type of resolution would, obviously, be tied to heading to bryant-denny to see the tide, but sarah and i (and amy and katie) have gotten back in the habit of making it to at least one alabama game per season. the resolution is altogether different this year. as we all know now, julio is taking his talents to "what's soon to be my new favorite nfl team". there is a pretty good chance that whatever team drafts him will find their way through either atlanta or nashville. if they do (or even if they don't), i want to drive/fly to see him, blow him a kiss from the stands and tell him how much i still love him. hugs.

8) help move limbo into it's next phase - there is no confidential name or strategy to this one, merely the want to make sure limbo doesn't revel in her successful launch last year and stop moving forward. considering we've already helped out with one mission project in our daycare, committed to another this coming saturday and have tentative plans for a spin-off that's not really a spin-off bible study in the works, this one is well on it's way. every ministry in every church runs through its respective "dog days", though, where the temptation is to do what's minimally required for several weeks and justify the stagnant waters by saying "it's our time to recharge and refocus". the goal is for limbo to stay fresh and exciting and kinetic in a way that will motivate our established base to include even more of our friends and family as we move towards a productive calendar year.

9) don't be a lame duck lay leader - with the church in the early, survey stages of the natural church development effort, this one could be tricky. i want to be patient and let the process take hold and begin to work in our church in a way we haven't allowed in our two previous attempts. on the other hand, it's a valid concern that most everything completely stopped moving in the month of january to await the results of the first survey. here's hoping that the 30 members that are answering the questions are honest, and here's hoping that the congregation can hear the results in a less defensive way than we have in the past. as part of this resolution, the long range planning committee needs to offer the church a mission statement before spring and lay leadership needs to empower functionality in our committees that have, mostly, been laid to waste by our dysfunctional and overextended previous structure.

10) get a dog - while it sounds simple enough, this one is highly conditional. for us to have a dog, we also must move into a new and bigger house. each passing birthday or holiday, our home magically shrinks just a little. and while we love our home, all four of us are starting to see the benefits of graduating into something a little more room-y. sarah started pining for a new house late last year. i have a feeling, after hosting several little girls for hannah's belated birthday sleepover this coming weekend, the motivation may be renewed. at any rate, back to the goal at hand, i really like owning a dog. since kammie passed, it has never stopped feeling weird to look out into the backyard and see it empty and alone. i think i am ready for another "man's best friend", but only if the condition of upgrading our home is met first.

well, that's it. that's this year's list. every single one of these will require intentional effort and concern to be met, and every single one would make me a happier and healthier person if i could claim "victory" at the end of the year.

for those of you that are worried, no, of course i haven't forgotten about sarah and the girls. they are and will always remain my number one priority (no offense, g-o-d. i just choose to see you as part of all of it). rather than using them as a gimmick or a gimme and including them on my list, they can rest assured that i will take care of them as best i know how.

"so i'm nailing shards of hope together to put something over my head...
'cuz you know here it's always raining, and it happened again. it happened again...
she said, i let this slide when we were younger, you know you don't have to write like this...
the whole world's full of losers. if you've got a chance to win, TAKE IT!!!"

the only national championship game preview that matters
(to me)
((that kid))
(((part two)))


it's been a tough pill to swallow all season, auburn only letting alabama celebrate its own national championship for one year, really it has. ever since alabama lost to south carolina, the dread of tonight's moment has been building. at that point in the season, nothing really had changed. alabama could still run the table and still held their destiny in their own hands and still held the hope that they could repeat as sec (and maybe national) champs. but the feeling was never really the same. if nothing else, the south carolina game exposed alabama as not perfect. not anymore. beatable. flawed. lacking...something. maybe it was a killer instinct. maybe it was experience on defense. maybe it was just that the secondary couldn't cover alshon jeffrey. whatever it was, the alabama football season never did feel as special as this alabama fan wanted it to, especially now that my worry that this was julio's last season has proven itself to be true.

what made alabama's "lost" (if you can call a ten win season with a likely final top twelve-ish ranking season a lost season) season so much worse was what was happening with auburn. early on in the year, let's face it, auburn should've lost. in overtime against clemson, auburn's offense was held to only a field goal. on their own possession, clemson's quarterback found a wide open receiver alone in the end zone. game over. no dream season. except that it wasn't, game over that is. the clemson player dropped the ball. the clemson kicker made a field goal to tie the game, sending the teams into a second overtime. except he didn't. an illegal procedure penalty was called during the kick. the clemson kicker missed the second try. auburn wins. no big deal, right? clemson wasn't a great football team. if auburn struggled against clemson like they had struggled earlier against mississippi state, this team, too, was flawed. auburn was going to have a decent to good season, but there didn't seem to be anything special about the team.

except there was.

cam freaking newton turned out to be really special.

south carolina (the first time).
kentucky.
arkansas.
lsu.
and (ugh.) alabama.

five more games that auburn could've lost if not for the special talents of their quarterback. their big, freakishly big, athletic, strong-armed quarterback. five more games that they could've lost, except they didn't.

the momentum built just like it did with alabama last year. the internet chatter became more and more annoying, just like it did with alabama last year.

and then, the game-changer. the pay-for-play story broke. the resulting scandal turned many auburn fans into lunatics and the auburn family bunkered in (ALL IN, mind you) deeper and deeper into their proverbial rendezvous hole, convincing themselves that espn was out to get them, convincing themselves that every sports media outlet was looking to tarnish their season. cam newton could do no wrong. the whole story was a lie, except it was proven that it wasn't.

the defense changed. the story wasn't bullshit anymore, but any person that implied a connection between the now guilty father and his golden boy son was thought to be an idiot. never mind the fact that the choice of where cameron newton would go to school was on record as not being cameron newton's choice. rumor-mongerers, aren't we all?

the football part of cameron newton's game is no longer in question. the human interest stories about his offensive coordinator are cute, but beside the point. michael dyer is a really good freshman running back, but he is merely a small piece of the puzzle. nick fairley is nasty, for sure, but he's anchored a defense that's given up twenty-five points a game. not really that impressive.

this, ladies and gentlemen, is a one man gang. cameron newton is a collegiate force of nature. those that follow this blog know how special i consider the athletes that have worn that tag on HACAM. i don't know what kind of coach chip kelly is. will having 37 days to prepare for a one man team help oregon's chances?

it should, but i don't think it will matter. cam newton is vince young, version 2010. he is better than everyone else. he is "that kid".

i think this will be a wildly entertaining football game. i think oregon is going to score on auburn early. i think cam newton is going to throw an interception in the first half on one of his deep throws that someone on his team has run underneath or someone on the other team has not picked off for the first 13 auburn games. i think that pick will turn into points and momentum and i am going to be surprised if oregon isn't up at the half.

i think people will start to believe that oregon can win, except that they won't. this is auburn's cam newton's year. and i think they win the night by two touchdowns.

i am interested in what my reaction will be to the eventual outcome. will i be happy for auburn in the same way that i would have been in year's past, especially in those years pre-julio and saban when alabama sucked? i don't know. it'll take watching the game to see where my emotions take me.

i hope the oregon uniforms look incredible in hd. and i hope that espn doesn't try and spread the hyperbole much farther than cameron newton tonight. or at least stop talking about everyone else after the first quarter. kind of like the oscar's does by announcing the winners in the supporting categories at the beginning of the show. yeah, you were great and all, but you weren't nearly as important as the leads.

tonight, the role of cam newton will be played by cam newton. in this movie, that's the only fact that matters.

i'll probably grade myself on a curve
(hannah and caroline and me)
((part forty-four))


we had a pretty interesting conversation sunday in limbo about the idea and execution of new year's resolutions. the consensus in the room seemed to be that january 1 was a fairly arbitrary start date, but everyone was pretty keen with the notion of goal-setting, which was comforting, especially given that when i asked our collected group how many were planning on making resolutions this year, only three (myself included) out of eleven raised their hands. our hour together nailed down the fact, though, that we all wanted to find ways to better our lives and the lives of those around us even if we didn't agree on the concept of the calendar telling us when to do so.

me, i am a calendar guy. for as long as i've been setting goals on the blog and writing follow-ups like today's, my simple mind wraps itself quite easily around starting at the beginning of the year and evaluating at the end. and so, i continue that schedule today as i take my final official look-back into the year that was kevin o'kelley's 2010.

here is the refresher.

now, let's review...

1) don't die - ... maybe sliding this one up to number one last year after my scare in the summer of 2009 played a significant role in my still being here in january of 2011 to write this post. maybe it just wasn't in the cards for me to meet my maker last year. either way, i am glad that i am still here. i can't say that i didn't think A LOT about the idea of dying. every day, i am not shitting you, every day i have a deathdream. i am able to shake them off and away a lot quicker than i did in the final few months of 2009, but i am obviously still not at ease with what comes next. maybe i never will be. maybe this is one of my curses. it seems unfair to me and everyone around me that i can't get my head out of today and look ahead some to "tomorrow". i am glad i didn't die in 2010. i am. now, if i could just stop thinking about it so much. score: +1

2) get "operation limbo" off the ground, up and running - ... well, well, well. my first real success story of 2010. early last year, i asked jacob sutton and joseph florence to help me with a sketch that we would perform at the beginning of worship to pimp the idea, this idea in my head that was limbo at the time. jacob and joseph, in spite of the morning's technical difficulties, were really funny like they always are. the sketch had to do with the gap that had developed at our church in the last several years where there was no real group or place for students and young adults to plug into after high school. we had a couple of fledgling young-ish adult sunday school classes, but i wasn't real confident either would speak to the group that i had in mind for limbo. so, jacob and joseph riffed on the idea that now they were in their twenties, they were just hanging out in the sanctuary with no real purpose in the proverbial life of the church and joseph asked jacob what they were supposed to do about it. jacob's response? "we wait...................until we're 30." it was hilarious. and pointed. and true. and so, limbo was born. and now, at our church, you don't have to wait if you are looking for something after you've crossed that barrier into adulthood and come to the realization that you still have no idea what the hell is going on in the world. nowadays, i don't think of limbo as an "age-group" thing (we span from early twenties to mid-thirties) as much as i do a "this doesn't make sense to me. let's make sense of it together." group. and it seems to be working. part of our evolution in 2011 will be to become more effective and affective at getting our word and work out to the masses. looking back one more time, though, we've now had 37 unique and special people come to room 218 at some point in the last 45 weeks, and we gather every sunday morning with between 10-15. numbers are a pretty weak measure when it comes to spiritual impact, but they do suggest there was a need in our church (even if we are still dangling on the outer edge of the church corporate) and limbo is trying to help fill it. score: +1

 3) be a more than serviceable lay leader - ... hmm, this one is probably not the easiest for me to judge myself on. i could take a straw poll within the church and if the standard was "serviceable", well, i might get a pass. if it's "more than serviceable", i don't know. what has happened that is good in the life of the church over the last 12 months? consensus within the congregation is that we are in better "health". that meaning, there is less overall drama. members and visitors, alike, seem to be harris fans. our finances are currently well within order. long range planning has been meeting and visioning for over six months. natural church development is starting back up and the church, right now, seems committed to that process. our connectional giving has improved drastically with the church meeting it's "target" in 2010 (for the first time in a very, very long time). leadership in the church is getting younger, in no small part to the weeds and limbo. along those lines, we made efforts to streamline the administrative board of the church in the hopes that 2011 will be more efficient. missions are still happening and giving members opportunities to serve. the halloween carnival succeeded again. the children's place daycare is a lighthouse and symbol of hope in our immediate community. i am probably forgetting many others. but, this all begs the question, what credit can i take for any of it? what blame rests at my feet if i were to list the cons of 2010, too. it's a good question, and we'll address it again soon. "serviceable" in the church is relative, thus "more than serviceable" probably is as well. i am going to give myself a point here. if you disagree, please feel free to comment and tell me why. score: +1

4) prepare for the inevitable - ... ugh. i called this one, right? not that it took a rocket scientist to predict that any college football team would eventually lose a game, and lose a game(s) alabama did. in spite of their talent and potential that was on full display for 20 minutes of the iron bowl and 60 of the capital one bowl, alabama finished a disappointing 10-3 and probably 10 spots lower than their preseason number one ranking. the first loss to south carolina was easier than i thought it would be to swallow, mainly because they were down the whole game. the idea of predicting the future of next year's team with the likely departures of 3-5 underclassmen seems discouraging currently. we'll wait til after the a-day game for that. and we'll also give myself credit for being a realist with this particular resolution a year ago. score: +1

5) don't forget about my deceitfully evil gang of weeds - ... maybe my first miss of 2010. i remember vividly the conversation that i had with the weeds on a sunday morning early on in 2010, that i was thinking of using my positive, free and clear scan in january as a springboard to get my head back in the game of making a difference in the church again. what that meant to them was that i wouldn't be available on sunday mornings anymore. my doing limbo, kathy and deb doing kids sunday school, the goldens having their hands full with noah, kim getting elected to city council, among other things pulled our sunday school class in many different directions, and it's been hard to feel like a cohesive whole all year. i don't know that blaming any one person or event or circumstance would do justice to all the mitigating factors. i didn't "forget" the weeds, but actions spoke louder than words. score: -1

6) say no to drugs... and by drugs, i mean lexapro - ... an interesting result with this one. i told myself that if i got a clean bill of health again in july, i would start to wean myself off of the anti-depressant. even though there was a little scare with a "motion artifact" in my lung that turned out to be nothing, the clean bill of health came a few days after i had my scan on july 9. after that, i took a half-dose of the lexapro through my and sarah's trip to gatlinburg later that month and then put the pill bottle in the pantry for good. since then, it's been an up and down ride. i have found my good moods hard to sustain, especially the last couple of months, what with the anticipation of the next scan this month ramping up my awareness of every little thing in my body that's not 100 percent anymore. the bottle of lexapro sits right next to my bottle of multi-vitamins in the pantry, and the last two or three weeks i've wondered if starting them again wouldn't be better for me and my family. maybe all the doctor would order is another clean scan and some peace of mind to go along with the apple a day. we'll see soon enough. this one is a technical notch in the "win" column, with mixed results as to the quality of my life since i realized the resolution. score: +1

7) find brian again - ...hmm. does seeing him on one road trip, three visits in three days count as a "win"? maybe, but probably not. i am going to give myself a half-point here, because we did have to drive six hours to see him and it probably ended up being one of the more fulfilling three days of my year, but seeing them once per year doesn't make a whole lot of sense when you are talking about someone that i care so deeply about. score:  +.5

8) find dad again - my second full-fledged fail. for me, the spirit of this one is more important than the letter number of times we saw each other, which was actually several thanks to a lunch or two, a handful of hannah's socccer games and a christmas get together. no one did anything "wrong" this year. i just don't know if i feel like we are any closer to being closer. i hope so. for 2010, though? score: -1

9) take ken to a braves game - ... another technical win, even if it didn't flesh itself out to us seeing each other as much as i would have liked to. we went to an incredible phillies game the second week of the season that included a jason heyward homer and a walk-off by nate mcclouth. ken even returned the favor by picking up the tab for the bullet through the forehead that ended up being game three of the division series with the giants. much like brian, i think if we were a little closer, ken and i would be, too. the distance and just life, i guess, has been a riddle we have not been able to solve the last few years. bottom line for the grade, though, is i did, in fact, take ken to a braves game. score: +1

10) keep loving my girls - ... the one big "gimme" of last year. i did keep loving sarah, hannah and caroline. it's hard, at times, to keep that loving from becoming conditional. i'll love you like you deserve just so long as you don't piss me off, okay? that kind of sentiment. hannah is really hard right now, and it's a combination of a lot of things i know. hanging out with older kids at daycare. observing and mimicking older girls that she sees on television and at church. having to deal with a little sister that always wants to do what she does. i know it's tough. now that she's her own little person, she wants more than anything to figure out who she is and she wants it to happen fast. she needs her way all the time. she is hardheaded. just like me. she has a quick temper. just like me. once the heat of any moment has passed, she wants to over-manipulate the rest of the day/night to make sure everything is okay. just like me. she is infuriating. i am sure...just like me. caroline, on the other hand, is three. she's a silly three and is really only a handful when our agenda takes the onus away from her being the center of the universe. no problem with four people in the house, right? ugh. she's adorable most of the time, though, and she's grown to love her daddy in 2010 much like i feel hannah always has. it's been nice. i hope that sarah and i can keep our collective heads in 2011 when it comes to the girls. our daughters really are too special to not appreciate them being in our lives every waking second. score: +1

wrapping up, let's see, it looks like i went 7.5 for 10!!! not too bad if i say so myself, which i just did. 

i read several status updates on new year's eve that spoke very poorly of 2010, and i hate that it was a tough year for so many people, including some dear friends. at the same time, i am happy that last year was much less volatile for the o'kelley family. if you removed me being constantly worried about things i have no control over from the equation, who knows what kind of banner year it may have been. that thought will be a nice springboard into my resolutions for 2011, which i'll try and have posted shortly after my january scan. 

one final thanks for everyone that stopped by hannah and caroline and me in 2010. whether you love me, hate me or are somewhere in between, whether you agree with me or disagree with me and my potty mouth, whether you came here through your own free will or were forcefully handed a copy of a post or emailed a link, thank you for sharing in this experience with me. this is an open place. an honest place. a place that makes me strive to be a better person for you and for "you".

if you would begrudge me or me in this forum, shame on you, and get a fucking life. you have more important things to worry about. go invite someone to church for god's sake instead of waiting on someone to save the church for you. 

a happy 2011 for those of you that love HACAM for what it is. comment more in 2011! if you write, write more! about anything!!! 

2010.

the end.