if you were me, your teeth would be more crooked


it's funny when a person makes a comment that starts with "if i were you, ...". you never really know what is going to come after that comma, do you? whatever it is, though, it's not likely that the statement is going to cast you in a positive light. "if i were you, i'd drop the attitude." "if i were you, i would have looked in the mirror before i left home." "if i were you, i'd think twice before i ate that second doughnut." you don't ever hear someone say, "if i were you, boy, would my day be better." or "if i were you, i wouldn't be such a dick." it's kind of weird how "if i were you, ..." works.

i was in the office at the store the other day and observed a man laying into one of my employees because their fish had passed away. now, keep in mind, he is laying into the guy that will be responsible for ordering his replacement fish. also, keep in mind that the guy bought the fish only two hours ago and brought the dead fish back in the SAME FUCKING BAG that he took them out of the store in. now, i am no jack hanna, but even i, with confidence, could explain to the man that the combination of heat and lack of oxygen probably brought the fish to their peril. our fish guy, or muffley as you blog subscribers may know him, tries to explain this very simple concept to this very upset man. muffley fails to win him over and the man exclaims, "if i were you (here it comes), i'd march into that office and find someone that can make me happy." wow. little did dude know that it was my ass that was sitting in the office.

for one, i am not a "fish guy" if you will. i don't like them. they creep me out. their dying for any number of reasons does not and will not shake the foundations of my faith. so, after hearing brian do his best to "make me (angry guy) happy", i wasn't going to offer too much empathy to angry guy's plight. second of all, i can be kind of territorial, as has been evidenced in this journal on many an occasion. so, no matter how bad muffley can annoy me, he's my muffley and he's on my team, customer be damned.

so, i talk to the guy and he respectfully disagrees with my confirming muffley's take on his fish dying, but i offer him his money back or more fish. he takes the more fish option and leaves to probably kill more fish in his car.

there are two morals to this post.

one) stupid people shouldn't buy/own fish. too much maintenance. too much room for error. so, don't waste your time or energy if you are, indeed, retarded or just mean.

two) "if i were you, ...", unless used for good, should never come out of a person's mouth. because if i were you, i wouldn't eat as much, or exercise more, or brush my teeth before blessing you out, or not own a fish tank, but i am not going to say that to your face, because it would only make your day that much worse, right? let's think about these kinds of things, people! really!

more hilarity from people that shouldn't own pets will ensue, i am sure, later. next episode? why you shouldn't leave your obviously abused dog chained to a pet supplies "plus" dumpster with no intent to ever come back and get him.