okay, here's the thing...


it's not that i feel like when i turn 30, i feel like i need to "grow up" or "act my age" or "be responsible" or something like that. sure, i have bouts of immaturity and selfishness. i am more than willing to own up to that. but due to circumstances that were beyond my control, i felt like i "grew up" around the age of 16. it wasn't pretty and i didn't ask for it. it just happened. did i have bouts of being 18 and stupid still? sure. did i do things and make decisions at 21 that i wouldn't make now? of course. and maybe, those things and decisions had to do with how old i was. or maybe they had to do with the fact that life is just a series of lessons based on life experience. some people gain that experience younger than others. some people never learn those lessons until it's too late. i know 30 year-olds that still strike me as teenagers. 25/35/45/etc. year-olds that will never understand the world as i see it because we don't share and won't share the same experiences. so, yes, i am turning 30 and that sounds like when i am supposed be "all growed up", but that's not the part of this coming birthday that bothers me.

for about twelve years now, i guess, i've had what i call deathdreams. moments where my mortality flashes through my mind whether i want it to or not and throws me into a sense of panic. as i've gotten older, i've gotten to the point where i can control my deathdreams to a certain extent. at their worst, these flashes would scare me to the pont of calling 911 because i felt like my life was coming to it's premature end. nowadays, i can have a deathdream and fight it off. think about something else. baseball. a funny movie. something. and they'll go away. but they are starting to come more frequently.

and i think that's what it is that i am obsessing over. 30 doesn't sound "old", per se', but it does say that almost half of my life is now traveling behind me in the rearview mirror. what does that mean? well, i guess it just depends on if i am having a glass half-empty or half-full kind of day. mortality is a touchy subject. no one wants to die. we all want to know and feel like things will be ok when the last breath of air leaves our lungs. and on those half-full days, i know they will. i like those days better. the ones that remind me that i'll be reunited with friends i miss. family i haven't seen in ages. for eternity. forever. but the half-empty days are the ones that kill me. the days where i question too much. wonder if what i believe is true or just something i tell myself to get to the next day. hopefully a half-full day. the bad days are the ones that i need to lean on my well-adjusted, intelligent family and friends. sarah and kiker and andy and chris and my dad are all really smart. they believe the way i do. that life ending here doesn't mean it's ending. it just means you don't have any more half-empty days. ever.

right? i like that my faith has grown to the point where i can fight off my deathdreams with vigor. i hope that i can pass on some of that strength to sarah and hannah and others in my life that will deal with their own deathdreams and questions.

but i do hope you will pardon me on my half-empty days. the days that are coming with more frequency when i think about turning 30. the days where i am not so sure. the days that i am very scared and don't feel very confident in my abilities to be the person you can count on to lift you up.

on those days, i may need you to lift me up.

and i am ok with that.