week 4
(settling in)


ah, yes. this is the feeling of the spiritual and emotional high wearing off. it had been a while since i had felt it, but this is it. we'd all like to be able to live in the rare air of promise and potential forever, but that wouldn't allow us to know what makes getting excited about something worth getting excited about, now would it?

and so, i re-enter the chris denson era at service number 4. i missed the previous two weeks out of obligation to beach and work, and i was ready to get back into the swing of things yesterday. i will admit. it felt very...normal. not that normal is in any way a bad thing, mind you. but gone was the pomp and circumstance that comes with introducing a new pastor. gone were the long-winded, audio-challenged introductions. gone were the expectations of hearing "the new guy" for the very first time. gone was the (pastor) crying. and the (pastor) singing (thank goodness). and gone was that feeling of adrenaline from moving "out of the balcony" and back into the lifeblood of the church.

it's a weird feeling. coming off of a high. whether it's life, drug or alcohol induced, it's all the same. whether the means were constructed at a desk, grapevine or some dude's backyard, it doesn't matter. it's still a weird and, in some ways, unwelcome feeling. there's a part of you that always wants to be in "that place". that place that motivates you to send out a group e-mail or write a "call to arms" type blog because you want your friends and church family to believe in the promise of your church. that place called being "in love". where you do stupid things because stupid makes sense. where you drop everything and don't do homework and don't go to bed and run up your cell phone bill because the irrational juices in your brain tell you that you can deal with the consequences later. today is "love", and "love" is all that matters. what is life if you don't have love? what is life if you can't find "that place" as often as possible? and then you come down and realize it's all bullshit.

well, not all bullshit, but most of it. the feeling part of it. when it comes right down to it, emotions and feelings don't make disciples. people do. emotions and feelings don't make good boyfriends and girlfriends and husbands and wives and brothers and sisters. people do. when it comes right down to it, it's a matter of putting your hands and feet where your emotions are. putting those feelings into action. making the emotion mean something to someone else and not just you.

because i am good at talking and thinking. i can talk all day to jacob and alex and joe c. about us doing something big at the church. but, i've got to do it, right? and what does that even mean?

i got to have a sit down conversation with chris denson last thursday afternoon. i told him a little about me and he told me a little about himself. i came away feeling pretty good about things. guess what? it's a shocker, but he actually wants to be at huffman. no disrespect to anyone that wants to train leaders or play the piano, but the previous two administrations did not want to be at huffman. they had good hearts. and they sweated a lot. but they didn't want it bad enough. maybe they didn't know how. i think our pastor does. on both counts. now the question remains,though, and it remains in two parts. part one, will humc follow a leader that asks them to sacrifice everything they've known for the last however many years they've been there and do something different? and by "do something", i mean just do something. do whatever you can in your own mind and according to your own gifts to make god and huffman an attractive enough idea to bring an outsider in. part two, who is humc? is it those of us that worship within her walls on sunday? absolutely. is it those of us that can only make it a couple times a month or year but still call her home? yes. but can it be something more? can we? a thought? a theory? a moment? a dream? a vision? a kick in the balls to those that think we are past our prime? i hope.

sunday's service was normal, because the new car smell is already gone. it was a good service, but now what? chris mentioned that those that use church as only a one week feel-good stop are missing the best part. so, the logical follow-up is, what's our best part?

one of my favorite parts of one of my favorite movies is the scene in trainspotting where a baby born and bred in a heroin house dies and the presumed father, sickboy, at a loss for words, yells at his friend to "FUCKING SAY SOMETHING!!!", anything to break the tension of the moment. at his own loss, the friend decides that he will slip back into what he knows best and shoots up.

i feel like our church is at that moment in our history. when i walk in, i see friendly faces but blank stares. the weight of our last ten years weighing so heavy that we can't move out of the muck. i have dreamed of walking into the pulpit and screaming, "FUCKING SAY SOMETHING!!!", anything to get a reaction and break the monotony of where we are.

the new car smell is gone and the emotional high is past.

it's time to fucking do.