father's day
(oh, shit. where is he going with this???)


i thought about posting on father's day, but my emotions toward the day and my man in question would do a disservice to the warmth and happiness that rise to the surface for many on the day someone set aside to celebrate the bond between father and son/daughter. i can still be happy for all of those that are able to rejoice in their current relationship with their dad. that's the way it should be. i can wish things were different for those that mourn the relationship that was taken from them much too early due to tragic circumstances. and i can be happy about being a "daddy", myself. thus, i thought it was appropriate for me to wait a couple days before i mused on the impact that my father currently has on my and my family's life.

i guess the easiest way to put it is that my relationship with my and my brother's father has become nothing more than a cautionary tale. kind of sad to think about it in those terms, isn't it? it is what it is. take it or leave it. it was easy to be reminded of the failure of effort on both sides last week when brian was in town. we talked a little about dad. but we weren't as much angry as we were resigned to that which had been laid in front of us to swallow. both us of had made efforts to contact him in the month or so leading up to brian's visit (me, for caroline's baptism. brian for some legal advice.). we were both ignored for whatever reason. after all, whatever the reason for us not being worth a phone call or e-mail back, it had to have been our fault, right? of course it was. there was some solidarity to be taken out of the rejection and we did wallow in that for a short period of time. but i think brian and i, both, are mature enough now to not let our hurt feelings ruin what was otherwise a splendid time together.

this much is now true. it would be really easy, from a jilted son and brother's point of view, to bash everything that is ... (edit.) ... i am not that petty.

or am i?

so, i will choose to learn what lesson i can from the cautionary tale. mommas, don't let your babies grow up to be (edit). alright. sounds reasonable. where he runs, i'll stay. where he forgets, i'll remember. when he ignores, i'll pay attention. cool. can do.

soon enough, my daughters will redefine for me what father's day should mean going forward. they'll pick up on the cheesy commercials and think they should make me a card or buy me a tie (wouldn't that be silly?). they might make us all go out to eat. do the laundry for me. cut the grass. treat me like a king for one day even though i am more deserving of something far less. and all of these nasty thoughts and emotions that i still carry with me will be transported to some place in the way back of my mind and i won't think about them nearly as often as i do. i won't think about, in spite of everything petty i said (er, edited) above, that i still love my father very much. i still wish and wonder every day if today will be the day that we can push aside what is in our way and be father and son again. that, one of these days, before he gets too old and i get too disinterested, we could go back to an alabama football game or throw a ball around in the backyard or talk about how stupid it is that we have lost years on top of years of time because my ass and his ass are both too stubborn to fall on our swords. i still wish for him to understand that brian is the most interesting person he's never met and spend the rest of his days mending that fence.

who knows. maybe one day, we will have our luke/vader on the deck of the death star moment. a moment when we peel off the broken pieces, look at each other, say we are sorry and move on. maybe that will happen. odds say that it won't, but i will stand at the ready for the chance that it might. danny (who, i swear to you, used to be brian) from ahX is right. "hate is baggage". i'd love to throw mine over the side and into the ocean. let someone else deal with it. i want to. but, i can't.

not yet.

(sorry this doesn't make any sense anymore. i have removed words that were hurtful to someone i've never had a beef with. if you are interested in the version that was posted earlier today, just shoot me an email. chances are you are not that interested.)