hannah and caroline and me
(part thirty-three)


this much was always going to be true. the girls were going to be fine.

from the preparatory trips to wal-mart to the arrangements made with marie to the time with kay-kay and jane to the getting them up and ready for school, things were going to seem smooth to the girls. we wouldn't have had it any other way, right?

aside from the occasional, "where's mommy, daddy?...airplane???", caroline got along quite magnificently without her favorite parent. she didn't hit me in the face this week. not once. she let me get her ready for school. she let me put her to bed. she let me take care of her when she threw up fruit snacks on us both this morning. we shared popcorn this evening. and now, the week without mommy is over for her. in the morning, we'll go pick up sarah from the airport and everything will be back to normal.

or will it?

hannah's got a couple more hours left. we negotiated her terms early in the week. she would sleep with me in my bed the two nights i didn't have to get up and be at the store, tuesday and tonight. having that carrot on the end of the stick to dangle and threaten to take away was the only ace in the hole that i had, but, luckily for us all, i never had to play it. i told her this morning that my report to mommy would be one of glowing pride, because she was everything that a big sister needed to be this week. she followed directions. she helped when i asked her to. she got to bed at decent times. she was fairly easy to get up and moving in the mornings. she was concerned this afternoon when i told her that caroline had been sick earlier in the day. she was everything that a big sister needed to be this week. and more.

i'd like to think that i know what i am doing as a parent. after all, i have six-plus whole years (right???) of experience under my belt. i know the way to the emergency room. i know how to operate a thermometer. obviously, i can make adjustments to my schedule on the fly. also obviously, i can also clean up vomit with the best of them. i bought saltines. chicken noodle soup. no ginger ale, but caroline was never going to drink ginger ale anyway. i can use my debit card at any assortment of food-making establishments. i can make a baby bun. i can comb wet, curly, knotted up hair. i can read (bedtime stories). i can be patient with a two year old that wants to dress herself. i can be reserved and kind to a six year old that is asking (figuratively) for me to knock her teeth out. i'd like to think that i know what i am doing as a parent.

as a matter of fact, i have no idea.

when i've been confronted with these "mommy days out" scenarios before, it's been with an anxious and angry, at times, temperament. "i didn't sign up to be a single parent" is what i would mutter under my breath. selfishly, i would wish for the time to zoom by and not take in what an awesome and memorable experience these trips that mommy was taking could be for the bond between a father and his daughters.

i have fallen quite nicely into the cliched role of "goofy dad that doesn't really know anything".

poor kevin. he's such a jackass. they are going to chew him up and spit him out.

maybe. maybe not.

i may not know anything about being a parent, but i know this. this week was easy. i mean, easy. not a complaint will come from me about it all. why is that? why did it feel so different than the other times? why was i so much more easy going and ready for the challenge?

well, the easy answer would be the cancer. my life flashed before my eyes, i realized that i wasn't promised another day with them, much less the opportunity to walk them down the aisle, much less the opportunity for them to come visit me in some nursing home in fifty years. i got the cancer and it completely changed me and now i am not such a douchebag.

maybe. maybe not.

what i know is very little. what i figure is that the cancer plays into my new found confidence and go-get-em-tude. but i also figure that something else is changing inside of me for the better, something that comes from somewhere else that i have decided to let in for the first time in a while.

hannah and caroline are not the best kids ever. they probably piss you off when i let them run around the gym on wednesday nights. they probably are going to cuss in front of you at some point of their lives and you are going to think i am terrible. they are probably going be arrested in ten years because some boy convinced them that egging a house was cool. they are going to be their share of heathen. and when they are, i'll get mad and pretend like it is their fault and not my own.

but in spite of all that, they damn sure will be loved. if nothing else this week, i really loved my girls. i loved every second i was with them. i want to believe that they could feel it. that out of that love, we shared something that we couldn't quite touch that made us want to be better for each other.

i am ready for mommy to be home. my teammate has been missed. the girls are super-ready for her to be home too.

i am going to remember this week for as long as i live. i became a parent this week. a real one. not because of what i did or didn't do. not because of what i know, because i still don't know shit.

this week, there was something very unconditional about what was going on.

and that's what it's all about.