bill and tom's excellent adventure
(the only draft that matters)
((to us))
(((part six)))


day six: safety

adrian wilson. ed reed. troy polamalu. today's great nfl safeties don't owe anything, necessarily, to ronnie lott. if aping a previous player's style and/or swag was a commodity worth paying royalties on, though, some financial recompense may, in fact, be in order.

ronnie lott came into the league as a corner, but his massive skill-set was worth more when given the keys to terrorhawk from the 49ers centerfield and strike fear into wide-receivers league wide. lott was an incredibly cerebral player and much like polamalu, these days, always seems to be around the end result of any play, lott set the precedent for that type of behavior coming from the safety position.

in addition to his awareness rating being a figurative "99", lott's other calling card was his toughness, with no greater example being that of asking a san francisco trainer to shave the top half of a pinky off so that he could re-enter a football game after smashing the digit into oblivion between two helmets.

his vital stats ring every bit as impressive.

10 pro bowls
8 first team all-pros
4 super bowls
80's and 90's all decade teams

lott may have not only been the spiritual grandfather to the golden age of safeties we are currently living in, but he may be the the greatest defensive back to ever live (ed: eat that, primetime). period.

chris: Since you got the best FS ever, I will take the best SS ever. Ken Houston who played for Washington and Houston, spending most of his time with the Redskins.


12 Pro Bowls
2 All Pro Selections
1986 HOF
1970's all decade team
75th Anniversary Team


Before Lott, Ken Houston was the safety. At 6'3 200 pounds, he would be an avg if not small safety now. However in his day this was considered big and he like Lott was regarded for his big hits.
 
i'm just gonna have to take your word for it.


as I was looking around, ken houston's name popped up on every list of all-time safeties that i found, but he was one of the few guys at any position that i have ZERO recollection of ever seeing a highlight from or reading about. of course, after having that thought, I said to myself, "chris is going to pick ken houston."

i'm not against picking guys from previous generations. i'm not so naive to believe that there weren't really good football players relative to their competition in the 60's and 70's. that being said, you aren't going to see many, if any, of those guys on team bill. so, congrats on the ken houston pick. maybe you can introduce me to him before the big game.

chris: meet ken houston (ed: see below)

i'll commend the pick if for no other reason than the fantastic sideburns.

anything else or are we moving forward to you drafting joe montana?

ladies and gentlemen, your rookie of the year
(part two)


the actual facts of the matter:

preseason game 2: 2 catches, 31 yards
preseason game 3: 5 catches, 59 yards, one very memorable "almost"

"game two" of julio's rookie of the year campaign was predictably different than his debut. his debut was in front of the home crowd, the same home crowd that had been anticipating his arrival since draft night. how did the falcons organization and coaches reward their fans? with an incredible sense of awareness. the first two plays of his first offensive series were aimed at him. in fact, in the three possessions he was on the field, you could argue that he was the focal point of the offense.

meanwhile, roddy white played the role of mentor and cheerleader. there wasn't even a hint of displeasure in white's body language. after all, even the most ardent julio fans knew that preseason, game one was not indicative of things to come (at least in the short term). roddy white was the all-pro. julio was the new toy underneath the christmas tree.

"game two", then, would be another experiment, this time showcasing the feature back, michael turner. julio and roddy white both ran routes, but they weren't terribly involved in what the coaches had in mind.

if the stubbornness towards the run was obvious in miami, the polar opposite was on display in pittsburgh last night. matt ryan threw the ball FORTY-TWO times in the first half, and roddy white collected 100 yards and a touchdown along the way. oh yeah! he's really good too! neither road trip was purposed towards balance. both trips were meant to kick the tires on the new offense in the hopes that the falcons could inventory what, exactly, is under the hood on this flashy new sports car of an offense.

"game four" will feel like none of the above. the starters will play a series or two in front of the home crowd and waive good-bye to them for a couple weeks before starship 7 comes back to the dome on sept. 18th.

the highlight of last night and the last two weeks and this julio preseason was recorded as an incompletion, but, if you've seen sportscenter, you know the play i am speaking of. the color guy on the falcons broadcast, charles davis, went nuts as julio blew past a corner and safety on a 50 yard deep route that bounced off his hands in the end zone.

"every defensive coach the falcons will play just saw that play!", exclaimed davis.

for as good as roddy white is, he's never materialized as a deep threat for the falcons. after three preseason games, julio has already established "run fast, go deep" hangs from his utility belt.

charles davis also made an incredible observation that i wish i had made first while commenting on how he sees julio fitting into the falcons plans. "he's going to be reggie wayne to roddy's marvin harrison." god. yes. yes, he is. when wayne came to the colts, he was already more talented than one of the greatest receivers of the last 20 years, but he didn't diva up or expect anything. he played his role. he excelled at what the colts asked of him. he caught tons of passes, and now he's been the primary target for peyton manning for the last five years. if julio can mirror that career path, he would have done himself proud.

it's just the preseason, and the preseason is all about getting ready for the real season, but julio's impact is already on the rise.

impact: 7 

bill and tom's excellent adventure
(the only draft that matters)
((to us))
(((part five)))


day five: left tackle

chris: It comes as no surprise that I am taking Anthony Munoz as my left tackle. Considered the greatest offensive lineman to ever play them game, I like my chances of him holding off Reggie White. Pretty sure Anthony wasn't afraid of the dreaded "head slap".



11 time Pro Bowl selection
Offensive Lineman of the Year 1981, 1987 and 1988
Ranked 12 on the NFL's top 100 greatest players of all time (#1 lineman)
Hall of Fame 1998
1980's all decade team
NFL's 75 Anniversary team
7 rec for 4 touchdowns on the "Eligible Tack Play"..........You know how Tom likes the trick plays!

when in doubt, go contemporary. taking nothing away from anthony munoz, i would argue that players at every position this generation are bigger, stronger and faster than those of previous generations. munoz dominated his position in such a way in his twelve years in the league that it's hard to argue that he wasn't the greatest of all time. after all, no other left tackle in the 80's was worthy of challenging his throne.
 
but, what if two left tackles came along and played at the same time, challenging each other for first team all-pro every year of their career? what would munoz's stats and resume have looked like if he played in the league at the same time as walter jones and my left tackle selection, jonathan ogden?
 
things, likely, would have been different. both jones and ogden were dominant. every bit as dominant as anthony munoz. both mountains of men, ogden was something different altogether. standing 6-9, ogden weighed in at 345. he equaled munoz's 11 pro bowl selections and made first or second team all-pro 9 times. he made the 2000's all decade team and was the cornerstone of the line that allowed jamal lewis (ed: read that again...jamal freaking lewis) to rush for over 2,000 yards in 2003. 
 
ozzie newsome, himself a hall of famer, is quoted as saying, "there's not a player i've seen in my 30 years in the league play his position better than ogden played his."
 
another note, newsome's browns played in the same division as anthony munoz's bengals.

chris?

chris: ...

(ed: we move on.)

bill and tom's excellent adventure
(the only draft that matters)
((to us))
(((part four)))


day four: defensive line

i don't want to say that i'm giddy over my first three selections, but let me say this. after three rounds, team bill has taken arguably the best offensive player ever and arguably the best defensive player ever off the board in rice and lt. team tom, on the other hand, has taken a guy that can't tackle and a white guy. granted, these are rather superficial observations, but i'm afraid i currently have the upper hand, no?

today, we stay on the defensive side of the ball and get deep into the trenches with our first defensive lineman selection.

given how much publicity my church gets on the blog, it makes total sense that i should have a "minister of defense" on my squad.

i'll take reggie white.

"country strong". i am not sure i had ever heard that term before i heard it directed toward white. what a great term. ndamukong suh, in the present nfl, is the only guy that currently comes close to doing to offensive lineman what i remember seeing white do to offensive linemen. white had this "club" move that he'd use on guys where he'd position himself in a way to get his right arm under a guard or tackle's left shoulder and he'd just throw him, literally toss aside another 300 lb. human being, away from the proceedings on his way into the backfield. it was unreal.

on his way to the hall of fame, white made 13 pro bowl teams and 10 first-team all pro teams. he won 2 defensive player of the year awards from the d-line. and he was named to the all-80's and all-90's all-decade teams. he was also rated the #7 player of all time by nfl.com.

whaddya think, tom?

chris: I am going to leave the "white guy" comment alone. My team will speak for itself when this is all said and done. As my first Defensive Lineman, I will select Bruce Smith. See stats below:



112 Tackles for Loss
200 Sacks - 2 more than Reggie
46 Forced Fumbles
15 Fumble Recoveries
2XNFL Def Player of the Year
4XAFC Def Player of the Year
11 Pro Bowls
12x All Pro
1987 Pro Bowl MVP
1980's All Decade Team
1990's All Decade Team

sorry. i meant to say "white guy that doesn't play quarterback or offensive line".

solid pick. in the 4-3, i don't know if i can discredit this selection without my tongue firmly planted in my cheek.

two things, though, that i will say since these two guys are standing next to each other on our draft podium. to your stat of his 200 sacks being 2 more than reggie, let's also acknowledge that those 2 sacks came in forty-seven more games played. it's probably unfair to compare them in that way, since white was more of a tackle and bruce smith a more traditional rush end, but it was bruce smith's primary job to rush the passer, and, per game, reggie still did it better than he did.

also, you could run at bruce smith. in fact, teams purposefully ran at bruce smith because his tendency was to fire upfield leaving massive running lanes on his side of the line. on the other hand, teams ran away from reggie white. his ability to swat linemen away at will was too disruptive to consistently run in his direction.

bruce smith was a great defensive end, a hall of famer for sure. reggie white was a freak.

another note. i sold reggie white short in my first blurb. he actually won three defensive players of the year, one more than bruce.

chris: Jesus Christ.......I never said Reggie wasn't good. You got the first pick, I took the second best pass rusher out there.

(ed: that sounds like another concession. i'll take it.)

bill and tom's excellent adventure
(the only draft that matters)
((to us))
(((part three)))

day three: linebacker

after getting two cornerstones of our teams out of the way on the first two days, we'll get into the nuts and bolts of what will make these two teams tick moving forward on defense. along with the first (of 3 or 4, depending on the scheme each side chooses) linebacker selection for each squad, we'll give you a brief look into what type of defense these two all-time teams will line up against.

chris, you're up.

4-3 scheme is what I have chosen for my team. And my first pick is Dick Butkus. 6 time (first team) all-pro, 8 time (second team) all-pro, 8 time pro-bowler, 2 time Defensive Player of the Year (69 and 70), 75th Anniversary Team, 60's Team of the Decade, 70's Team of the Decade. There were a few great MLBs before Dick, he took the position to a level that folks like Mike Singletary and Ray Lewis later played it. Everyone that has ever played the position after him has said, he was the bench mark!

it comes as no surprise that chris and i are going with different defensive schemes. our styles often conflicted with each other when we were picking our teams for our many bill and tom tournaments. chris liked to think of his teams as "tough" or "rugged" or "manly" because that is what nfl films told us real football players should look like and play like. jack lambert with no teeth. jack youngblood playing with a broken leg. ronnie lott ripping off a finger to go back in and finish the game. me? i couldn't give a shit about any of that. i mean sure, that nfl films footage was awesome. don't get me wrong, but i wanted fast teams. pretty teams. finesse teams. strategy teams. "greatest show on turf" teams. my style will come across loud and clear as this draft forges onward.

chris, i'll be playing a 3-4 against you, and in our imaginary game, my ass will be efforting to penetrate your backfield (ed: that's what she said) every stinkin' play. the quarterback on team tom is not going to have to bother reading cover 2 or cover 3 or any of that bullshit. we'll be manning you up, and my linebackers are coming to get you.

i was listening to a podcast yesterday and shannon sharpe was being asked about guys in the hall of fame. he talked about some guys being "evolutionary" and some guys being "revolutionary". i loved that delineation.

without a doubt, my first linebacker would fall into the "revolutionary" category. i'm taking lawrence taylor.

10 pro bowls in his first 10 years in the league
10 all-pro teams in his first ten years in the league
3 defensive players of the year
2 super bowls

"lawrence taylor, defensively, has had as big an impact as any player i've ever seen. he changed the way defense is played, the way pass-rushing is played, the way linebackers play and the way offenses block linebackers." - john madden

yep.

chris, got anything to add to our first lineback pick???

chris: yeah...i better get a damn good left tackle! that is all! (ed: fair enough)

bill and tom's excellent adventure
(the only draft that matters)
((to us))
(((part two)))


day two: wide receiver

the pick: jerry rice

my turn to go first. this may be the least contentious of any post we have in this series, because it's the one pick i can, without a doubt, predict that chris would have made himself. the stats that chris poo-pooed on day one are essential to this conversation, though, because athletically, "the greatest wide receiver that ever lived" doesn't wow you with any one thing he did. his numbers, though, and his measurable successes are unparalleled and they are as follows:

1549 receptions - first all time (447 ahead of second place)
22895 receiving yards - first all time (almost 8,000 yards ahead of second place)
197 receiving touchdowns - first all time (45 ahead of second place)
13 pro bowls
12 all pros

also, i found this to be fairly significant to the overall goal of this series of posts (for my team to beat chris' team)...from 1989 to 1996 jerry rice faced off with deion sanders' teams 10 times. rice had 60 catches for 1,051 yards and eleven touchdowns in those games. not too shabby. we have already established that if rice caught the ball with deion on the cover, there would be little to no chance that sanders could tackle him after the catch, which i am sure accounts for some of these inflated numbers against perhaps "the greatest athlete to ever put on a professional uniform."

who you taking, tom?

chris: there is no comparison. jerry rice is the greatest. it took me a long time to decide who i would take as my first wideout as i knew jerry would be off the table. i figured that i would try my best at having an overall receiving corps that could beat yours.


my first wideout taken would be cris carter.


receiving touchdowns: 131 (8th all time)
receptions: 1,101 (3rd all time)
only player to record 120+ receptions in a season twice, 1994 and 1995
most touchdown receptions on thursday games (9)
most 12+ reception games in a single season (4) in 1995
one of 3 players (clarke gaines and jerry rice) to record 12+ receptions in back to back games
most consecutive games with at least 3 receptions (58)
most 1 yard touchdown receptions in nfl history (9)
most touchdown receptions 2 yards or less in nfl history (16) - tied with jerry rice
most touchdown receptions 4 yards or less in nfl history (28)
most touchdown receptions 5 yards or less in nfl history (36) - tied with jerry rice
most touchdown receptions 6 yards or less in nfl history (44)
most touchdown receptions 7 yards or less in nfl history (48)
most consecutive games with 2 touchdown receptions (4)
most consecutive seasons with 5+ touchdowns (11) - terrell owens, jerry rice, marvin harrison, don hutson, cris carter, tim brown
most consecutive seasons with 5+ touchdown receptions (11) - terrell owens, jerry rice, marvin harrison, don hutson, cris carter, tim brown
first player to record a 150 yard receiving game in 3 different decades (jerry rice is the only other player to do so)

jesus h. after giving me shit about using numbers in the woodson/prime debate, you just went and had a stats-gasm all over my blog. shame on you. if luke had been this easy to pull over to the dark side, the rebels never would have had a chance.

that being said, his 2 all-pros to jerry's 12 is the only stat that matters on this day. carter was really good. from everything you read, he may have had the best hands of his generation, maybe any generation. if you have a chance at having a better wideout tandem than team bill, though, your second option is going to have to be pretty damn strong.

chris: whatev! it is impossible to compete with jerry rice. i'm not gonna get caught up in the numbers for that reason. i went with my gut. cc was a great receiver for teams that had (for the most part) nothing around him. he will go down as one of the best ever. i stand by the decision. are you ready for my mlb?

well, i suppose i can't ask for much more than a concession, so we'll move on. i do hope your "for the most part" caveat had in mind a teammate that i have ranked higher than carter on my board. you may be hearing from him later.

bill and tom's excellent adventure
(an origin story)

from chris hicks:

The Bill and Tom reference stems from a decision we made in spring 1996 to take on commentator personas when we were playing sega\playstation. At first it was funny, but then we just embraced it. However it wasn't fully embraced until the June 1996 NBA Action Finals between the Knicks and the Rockets where "Mad Max" Vernon Maxwell and the Rockets beat out the Knicks in a 7th game thriller! As we did it more we got nerdier about it. We went from just commentating on the games to pre-game interviews with the coaches (Chris Hicks and Kevin O'Kelley) as well as post game interviews! Not really sure where we got the names Bill and Tom from, but they seemed to stick.

(ed: - nerdy is just the most perfect word for what bill and tom became for us, for me. i mean, jesus, look at the date chris mentions...1996. we were 19 year's old for christ sake! this wasn't something brainstormed and played out by 2 12 year-olds that weren't into dungeons and dragons. it was two, bordering on grown men playing out fantasies of calling nfl (and nba) and college games in our respective rooms/apartments/houses. at some point during this series, i'll try and articulate what bill and tom (and by "bill and tom" i mean chris) meant to me as a foundational element of my maturity. looking back, bill and tom were nothing less than a bridge from my childhood to the adult that i would end up becoming. bill and tom and the countless hours of our lives we wasted playing video game football??? man, i wouldn't trade that shit for the world. and every year i get older, the more i miss having that kind of time and those opportunities to be a kid at heart with chris. until i get around to that post, proper, i'll keep kicking his ass in this draft.)

bill and tom's excellent adventure
(the only draft that matters)
((to us))
(((part one)))


at some point in the next 25 or so posts in this series, i am going to ask chris hicks to give you a detailed origin story behind the characters known almost exclusively to us as "bill" and "tom". i could give you a very surface level re-telling, but one thing that my oldest friend has always had on me was a knack for remembering things the outside world would consider useless. one of the many ways we bonded, however, was that much of that "useless" knowledge had to do with the sports and the sports history that we loved. more specifically, we both loved football history and incorporated that history into almost every "water cooler" conversation we ever had in his duster, at my house, at his house, or wherever we happened to have a gaming station set up to play video-game football.

what is relevant to this particular series of post, though, is this. my oldest friend, whom you all know as chris hicks, and i both think we know more about football than the other. this series of posts will serve mostly to entertain each other, since, deep down, we are still very capable of being the kids that would talk endless trash whilst creating brackets on top of brackets of video-game football tournaments.

what this series of posts will finally settle is, left to our own devices and based on rules that we've both agreed to, which human, kevin o'kelley or chris hicks, could create the best football team made up of the best players (in OUR estimation) to have ever played the game.

the rules are these:

- the entire universe of current and former players are available to be drafted.
- we will draft one position per post and provide intelligent (sometimes) rationale for our pick
- we will be able to deconstruct each other's picks and call each other funny names to poke fun of each other's picks without ever acknowledging that our competitor may have gotten the best of us on a given day
- at the end of the series, we will ask you, the three or so people that frequent this blog when i am not talking about humc, to judge the worth of our respective teams and crown a champion, once and for all.

we will strongly encourage feedback from whomever would like to join in the fun. tell us how ignorant we both are. tell us who you saw with your own eyes back in the 60's that could eat ray lewis for lunch. the more commentary, the more fun we'll have with it. we'll even call you pet names, too. what could be better, right???

so, there's the gist. we'll give you more as the series rolls along, but i will close this introduction with the fact that both of us are so excited at the prospect of this draft, that each day's draft choices may end up being 5,000 word head-to-heads and we might run everyone off by the end of day three. we'll see. it's not likely that we'll care. this is, after all, the only draft that matters to us.

-----------------------------------------

to the picks!

day one: corner

chris won the coin flip to get us started. his choice and his (ed: fairly weak) reasoning:

deion sanders:  very simply...the greatest shutdown corner ever. perhaps ...the greatest athlete ever to put on a professional uniform. as a side note: he would also return punts for this team.

my choice:

rod woodson: i will tip my hat to chris' first pick and admit that deion would have been my second corner taken had he been on the board. operative word, my second pick. he was a brilliant, mind-numbing, freak of an athlete, and his reputation scared coordinators from throwing in his direction. he was exciting on special teams, also true. his failing, and my victory on day one of this draft comes from prime's inability to perform one of the most fundamental elements of defensive footballing, that is to say he couldn't tackle. scratch that, he was afraid to tackle. i have no room for fear on my team, so i thank chris for saving me from myself and taking prime first.

to woodson. in a word, he was a prototype. big size, big speed, covered the other team's number one. later in his career, he reinvented himself as a missile of a safety in the mold of ronnie lott, blitzing every time dick labeau would allow him. let's look at his numbers compared to mr. sanders. career interceptions: woodson - 71 prime - 53. interception return yards: woodson - 1,483 prime - 1,331 fumble recoveries: woodson - 32 prime 15 tackles: woodson - 1050 prime - i'm not sure he ever recorded one.

woodson also tallied 11 pro bowls, a 1993 defensive player of the year and a super bowl ring.

prime was elite, no doubt. every player picked will be. he wasn't as good as woodson, though. that's just a fact.

mr. hicks?

chris: my rebuttal to your comments? the masses will agree that deion sanders is the best. the fancy internet search for stats impresses one person...you. primetime was the best. it was a simple decision. round 1 - Tom Next???

yes, yes, tom. what a ridiculous idea for me to cloud our debate with actual, measurable data. if you are not a fan of stats, this is going to be a loooong draft for you. there will be plenty of room for highlights, romance and revisionist history when it comes to drafting our teams. i get that. i will, no doubt, throw around any number of "he was the best i've ever seen"s as well, but, when it comes to separating the best from the best, stats are bill's best friend. i won't spend too much time on the tackling thing, but, seriously, how can you be the best at any position on a football field when your idea of full-contact is two hand touch? woodson, for the win!

last word?

chris: regarding deion and his tackling...ask any of the receivers that he played against (ed: i'm not sure how i can do that), and they will tell you he was a physical corner. ask those same receivers who was the best corner they ever faced (ed: i'm still not sure how i can do that), they will say deion. by the way...those same receivers faced woodson. if hall of fame receivers who went against him say he was the best, i can't disagree. however, if you have ever lined up and beaten him on a skinny post, maybe you can (ed: i have not.). i would venture to say you are in the same boat as me. was he a great tackler? no. did he need to be? no. he took away one side of the field (ed: so did woodson) in the passing game. he did his job better than any corner in the history of this game. that is my final word.

ladies and gentlemen, your rookie of the year
(part one)


the actual facts of the matter:

3 series played
5 targets (including the first two offensive plays for the falcons)
2 receptions, 43 yards
1 rush, 12 yards

items of interest that i haven't been able to determine yet:

just how many julio jones, number 11 jerseys were in the georgia dome stands friday night?
how many season tickets were sold in 2011 versus 2010?
if the total number is greater in 2011, how many of those tickets are absolutely and directly related to julio playing three hours away from the university of alabama (we know of 4, to be sure!)?
has the atlanta falcons fanbase been this excited about any player since michael vick?
when all is said and done, who will have made the bigger impact on the field for the falcons, julio jones or michael vick?
will julio jones win offensive rookie of the year?
will the falcons win the super bowl?

these questions, and more, we'll track over the course of the newest series here on HACATLKAM.

i wasn't sure that julio would grace this site as much after his career at alabama was complete, but, if i wasn't sure before friday night, i am now.

julio is here to stay.

this much was true friday night, because you could feel it. people in atlanta are really freaking excited about julio.

atlanta falcons fans are a lazy bunch. hell, atlanta fans of anything are a lazy bunch, borderline apathetic. you can go to a braves game, any braves game (even playoff games) and the crowd doesn't start really paying close attention 'til the 7th inning. sure, they'll clap a little more loudly when chipper comes up to bat, but i can't imagine coming to the ted strikes fear in the heart of any visiting team. why would it? the level of heckling the other team is embarrassingly low. the crowd doesn't rise for anything other than the wave. the braves can't sell out a game that doesn't include the red sox or the cubs to save their life. it wouldn't surprise me if the general reaction of teams looking at their schedule to see their next stop is atlanta don't think to themselves, "i should call mom, get her to make this trip with us. they'll be really nice to us there. no swearing or fear-mongering or anything. and feed us chick-fil-a." going to see a braves game is family friendly, and that's not a bad thing. it just means that it's not a bad thing for the braves' opponents either. falcons games that i've attended are no different. and i've been to falcons games when michael vick was the starting quarterback. the dome would explode when he was introduced, raise to their feet anytime he left the pocket, yell and scream when he turned into "starship 7", but, for the rest of the game, you felt like you were watching the game on a super clear television with excellent surround sound. everyone sat in their seats. the fans didn't make any noise to help out the defense. again, the southern crowd was downright cordial, annoyingly so. the atmosphere was and is so different from, say, an alabama home game that it's unsettling.

last year, from what i saw on television, things changed for the better. expectations were raised. many in the sports media picked the falcons to compete with the saints for the division. compete, they did. win the division, they did. host a playoff game against the packers, they did. the process to all of those accomplishments led to a better product in the stands, which in turn had to have helped the product on the field. there was no real shame for the falcons to lose to the eventual super bowl champions. aaron rodgers was unstoppable. the falcons lacked the explosiveness in their offensive personnel and scheme to go toe-to-toe with green bay, and they bowed out of the 2010/11 campaign with their heads held high.

enter julio jones.

the story's been told and dissected and pundit-ized a million times since april. the falcons trade a boatload of picks to move up 21 spots in the draft to get julio.

enter explosiveness.

julio impresses every teammate that lays eyes upon him during off-season team-called workouts. "he's big." "he's fast." "he's got really soft hands." "he's a solid kid." "he's gonna make a great teammate."

enter hyperbole.

future hall of famer and current falcons tight end tweets that julio is the best incoming wide-receiver he's ever seen.

enter pressure.

preseason, game one. the falcons target julio on their first two plays of the their first offensive possession. the first play was a little stutter-go, where julio took off the line, danced in front of the corner to get the defender flat-footed and blew past him. julio was three yards behind the corner when matt ryan delivered the ball out of bounds. bad throw. the crowd went nuts. whether they were going nuts to say thank you to the falcons for last year or to say thank you to the team for going out and getting a new toy or to say thank you to julio for breathing new life into an already solid offense can't be known for sure, but you could feel the energy in the dome. something was new. something was different.

of course it was.

julio is special.

i've been on record many times with this sentiment, but i'll repeat myself to begin this series as well. julio is going to tear apart this league. for three years at alabama, he was THE guy other defenses schemed against. mark ingram won his heisman because of the threat julio posed. don't believe me? we'll see how trent fares this year without julio on the field to draw attention away from the running game. safeties constantly rolled their coverage to julio's side of the field. the patrick peterson's of the sec all were tasked with locking him down week after week after week. face it folks, corners aren't built much bigger and faster in the nfl than sec corners. julio's been there. he's done that.

now? now, julio has a pro bowl wide receiver on his team. with him. meaning what? meaning this. you can't double both julio and roddy white, and they aren't going to double the rookie.

julio is going to tear apart this league. and he is going to win the offensive rookie of the year.

the statistics that i listed at the top of this post tell nothing of the story that i'll write about julio this year. all those stats were an introduction. a way of saying "hey. how ya doing? you seem cool." to the guy that might be the missing piece in a championship puzzle.

each week, i'll track julio's stats, but, more importantly, i'll track his impact, something altogether different.

i'll end each submission with my own subjective ranking of that impact, 10 being "indestructible force of nature" (think randy moss catching deep balls from dante culpepper in his prime) to 1 being "decoy that isn't interested in being a decoy" (think randy moss as a raider).

it's just the preseason, and the preseason is all about getting ready for the real season, so don't read too much into the low first number. but, i think it's important to note that the 3 biggest cheers of the falcons' friday night game were cheered towards a lowly rookie wide receiver from the university of alabama.

impact: 6  

where have you gone, jordan schafer?


sports, man. *sigh

every so many years, a player comes along (i am looking at you, tim hudson, lebron, mike vick, ichiro, julio jones, jason heyward) that completely captures my imagination.

it's not prerequisite for said player to play on one of my favorite teams. obviously, it helps that i am connected with and to the braves and alabama football on a more intimate level than most other squads, but, as you can see from my list above, percentages are just as good that my man-interest will come from other places.

jordan schafer was different than most on my list, because he wasn't nearly as recognizable (if recognizable at all) to the casual fan of his sport. i caught wind of schafer about four years ago after baseball prospectus named him as the top prospect in the braves organization. so, for sure, he wasn't a diamond in the rough, but he was, at the very least, a diamond in the minor leagues, and no one has time to care about minor league baseball.

i tracked schafer over the course of 2008 at random intervals, just making sure he was progressing through the system as he was projected. sure enough, he was. he performed well enough in 2008 to get an invite to the braves spring training camp in march of 2009. the trip to camp was meant as nothing more as an introduction to "the show", expectations being that schafer would get 25-50 at-bats and they'd then send him down to triple-a to start the season. of course, a funny thing happened.

jordan schafer set the grapefruit league on fire. for the better part of the month long exhibition season, his batting average hovered just under .400. his obp was close to an unthinkable .500. after two weeks, he was playing on the "a" team of the split squads so the braves brass could see how he would perform against better pitchers. his average didn't dip. he kept getting two hits a game. every game. stole a base every other day. stories started circulating that he might be the defensive heir apparent to andruw jones (arguably the best defensive center fielder of the last 25 years). he had speed to burn. a massive arm. judged the ball well off bats and got great jumps.

as the spring neared conclusion, bobby cox had no choice. consensus was that schafer was not only the best centerfielder in spring, but put on the best display of tools and talent of any player on the team (remember, the team then and now includes two future hall of famers in chipper and mccann). with a week left, jordan schafer was named the opening day starter for the atlanta braves in centerfield. it was incredible.

i was ecstatic. baseball is littered with stories of can't miss prospects that miss. baseball is just so hard. too many things are required of an every day player to master to even make it into the big leagues, much less stay there, much less thrive there, much less be an all-star, much less be an all-timer. you can have all the tools in the world and just not get it. you can get nailed in the head with 90 mph fastball and never have the mental strength to get back in the box. you can get stuck behind a guy in your own system and waste prime years in places like birmingham or durham or pawtucket (glorious, right?). get nicked up and lose part of your timing that came natural for the first 20 years of your life and the player is never the same. so many things that can and do go wrong. obviously, the same logic can be applied to any of the professional sports leagues in this country, but the sport of baseball, especially hitting a baseball, is so much muscle memory and repetition and strategy and experience that i don't know if it's not the toughest nut to crack to become a star.

make no mistake, jordan was no star. not yet. but he had made it through the minors and into the majors with a quickness.

what happened next is documented aplenty here. first major league at-bat? home run. team wins. kevin o'kelley loses his mind. four games in, schafer hurts his wrist. bobby cox loses his mind. rather than letting his young gun heal, he keeps trotting him out there. schafer strikes out. a fucking ton. kevin o'kelley gets cancer. schafer gets sent down. the cosmos connects kevin o'kelley's and jordan schafer's redemption and recovery stories together with a string i created in my own imagination.

yada, yada, yada, (two years later) schafer gets flipping traded for a light-hitting centerfielder who steals bases (like schafer), who bats left-handed (like schafer), who covers a lot of ground in center (like schafer), who has a cannon for a right arm (WAIT A SECOND, no he doesn't. he doesn't have near the arm schafer has). the light-hitting centerfielder is considered an "upgrade" from schafer even though advanced metrics that i've seen only value the new guy worth one, MAYBE two wins above the schafer he's replacing.

schafer is sent to die in houston. given up on by the organization that once was breeding him to be a star.

other than the cancer/redemption thing, i don't know, really, why i hitched my wagon to jordan schafer the way that i did. i loved watching him play. i lived and died with every one of his at-bats. truth be told, i think it's more fun to watch sports when you are especially invested in one particular player, a "sun" for your fandom to orbit. such was the case with julio and alabama. i love alabama football, but this year has a totally different feel for me. i know that i'll root for alabama to win every game, but i also know that i don't have "that guy" that i've been tracking since he was a junior in high school who is now "my guy" that i'll root hardest for as he takes the field this fall. "that guy" who was going to be "my guy" ripped up his knee before practice officially started. i haven't recovered yet (rip, dee hart. you're likely never to be the same). jordan was my braves "sun". i tried making the heyward/julio thing work, but it turns out that heyward kind of sucks. he may still be great one day, but my fairweather fandom has turned away from him. i am okay with him not being in the line-up if it gives the braves a better chance to win. i never felt that way about schafer.

schafer being in houston now won't make me an astros fan. it'll just make me sad. i can't watch the astros every day unless i pay for the extra innings package. i am not going to pay for the extra innings package.

what it does is presses the reset button on my love for the braves in a way that'll take a couple years and a few young prospects that i can make into something bigger than they are to get back.

in the meantime, i'll keep being really mean towards derek lowe on twitter in the hopes that i can #reversejinx him into being a relevant pitcher again. i'll keep putting chipper in my fantasy line-up and cutting myself with tiny razors every time it's the wrong move. i'll keep telling everyone that will listen that jv and "billy" kimbrel are the best back-end in baseball. even though i jumped off his boat two months ago, i'll keep pointing back to my prediction that uggla was going to be an all-star, which means i totally "believed" in him all along. i'll keep hoping the phillies lose every game even though they never lose any games, because that's what a braves fan does. wish injuries and ill-will upon the phillies.

where were you when you heard about jordan schafer being traded? the answer to that question will stick with me every bit as much as "where were you when you heard about the first plane hitting the tower?" (draw your own conclusions on what you think that says about how worthless a human being i am). in an ironic kick to my crooked teeth, i was in the sanctuary during sunday morning worship, a place i had told myself couldn't get any worse. burn. (i kid because i love!)  two friends texted me that twitter was blowing up with the news. when i saw it was all true, i shared it with my pew. they frowned to mirror my frown. they tried to pick me up. "new guy" will be great, they said.

aw, shucks. maybe he will.

but he won't be jordan schafer. when the cosmos connected our narratives (in my head) in the summer of 2009, i never imagined that my letting go of my daily fear of dying would also mean i would have to give up my jordan. the universe has a cruel, cruel sense of closure. i wish i saw it coming. maybe it wouldn't have hurt so badly.

to jordan schafer, thanks for being there. i made you out to be more than a ballplayer.

you were never more than a ballplayer.

when condescending turns to caricature


"growing up means...
watching my heroes turn human in front of me...
the songs we wrote at eighteen were shortsighted and naive...
so when the weather breaks, i'll pull my hoodie up over my face...
i won't run away...
as fucked as this place got, it made me me" -the wonder years

if i've been asked once, i've been asked fifty times, "why do you stay at huffman?"

i've had all sorts of different answers to the question. it always depends on what mood i am in, what's happened so far with my day, what day of the week it is, what the braves current record is, whether or not clay travis has put up a new picture of an alabama football star in what looks to be a compromising (if not shady as hell) situation. there are a lot of factors that go into answering any question ever, but some questions are more loaded than others.

"why do you stay at huffman?"

is the person asking the question genuinely concerned for my well-being? more importantly, might the person asking the question be genuinely concerned for my family's well-being, especially on emotional or spiritual levels? this person is asking because they just don't get it. they don't get how i can blog time after time about what i perceive huffman umc is lacking, time after time about being disappointed in something new or, more than likely, something old that continues to perpetuate itself into our future. they don't get why i haven't graduated to that next level, that level that tells every single one of us that the grass has got to be greener on the other side at some other church with much less familiarity and much less baggage and many more kids and cheesy contemporary worship and all that other stuff that makes church feel like a club and not a conviction. but they care. and that's all that matters. their question is loaded, sure, but it comes out of concern.

"why do you stay at huffman (with an understood, "goddammitt!!!" at the end)?"

is the person asking the question peeved with something i've done or said? does the person disagree with one of the opinions i've shared here on HACATLKAM? they ask it with a tone that implies they've figured out the answer to the questions i've been posing. they've figured out that i would rather be unhappy than happy. they've figured out i'd rather be unsatisfied than satisfied. they've concluded "you don't have to go home, but you've got to get the heck up outta here!" would be my best plan of action.

"why do you stay at huffman?"

this person doesn't go to huffman. all they've seen or heard of the place is from this blog, a blog that doesn't often paint us as a puzzle that has located all of her pieces (we're actively looking under couch cushions). this person maybe doesn't go to church at all, and doesn't plan on it. this person may be indirectly related to huffman through softball or basketball or bunko, but they don't care to get any closer than that, because they really like to sleep in on sunday mornings. this person doesn't really care about the answer as much as they are interested in where the conversation may go after we move on to baseball or politics or something less infuriating than church.

"why do you stay at huffman?"

this time, i am asking the question, but i am asking it to my friends wife "minions". i ask because i need honest answers and i need to know why we are so stubbornly masochistic.  i ask because they share a history with huffman umc, but they don't share my history, and they all have their own respective and equally fascinating reasons why they call huffman their home. some of them answer the question with answers you might predict. most of them are not so predictable. when i ask the question, i don't ask for reassurance. i don't need any reassuring. i do need help, though, to see the forest from atop different trees. changes in perspective can oftentimes lead to a change in strategy. changes in strategy can oftentimes change the game. indeed.

"why do you stay at huffman?"

i didn't. i left years ago. i have really fond memories that i will always carry with me and i will always wish the "left behind" my best and for their best.

"why do you stay at huffman?"

i didn't. i left years ago. "the youth group wasn't big enough anymore." "do we even have a children's ministry?" "seriously? a black preacher? what was the bishop thinking?" "seriously? a hispanic congregation? what was the senior pastor thinking?" "why don't they ever do liturgical dance?" "that one guy looked at me funny once?" "that lady leaves the service early." "all the old people remind me of death." "the new pastor is constantly reminding me of death." "that little boy cusses." "he's poison." "that other church has a petting zoo." "this one has a starbucks." "y'all do realize indoor plumbing has evolved in the last 140 years, right?" "what the fuck is limbo anyway?" "do you have exercise groups? they do." "do you have young married people? they do." "do you have rich people? they do." "wait, this is huffman, right? where are the black people?" "i have a passion for starting new churches." "new churches smell better." "new churches have flat screens." "mmmm...contemporary worship." "that church won't allow cell phones in worship, because god told them it was unacceptable. it's in the bible. retweet that, bitch." "i don't honestly remember why i came here in the first place."

"why do you stay at huffman?"

i didn't. i left years ago. they ruined me on the idea of church. i will always wish the "left behind" stay left behind. good riddance.

why do you stay at huffman?

it's a loaded question for sure. a different answer for every different day for every different person in our church. no right or wrong, which is the hardest pill for some to swallow. no black or white. no good or bad.

why do you stay at huffman?

or don't you?