treatment changes lives


now two months removed from my last post, maybe i wasn't as ready to hop back on the blogging train as i thought i was in april.

maybe i had other things going on.

maybe.

"treatment changes lives."

those were the words of the oncologist i consulted with after my two surgeries. the surgeries and succeeding scans had determined that, as last confirmed on april 30, i was without active cancer in my body.

and so, we were left with two options. to treat, or not to treat? that was the question.

on one hand, there was the chance that my most recent resection had "cured" me. as these things go, it was the same school of thought that led my urologist to encourage me to "celebrate" after the removal of my right kidney in july of 2009. because the entire tumor was removed and contained inside the now gone kidney, the odds were in my favor of the cancer never returning.

what are odds, really? in my case, the "odds" were mainly a catalyst for mismanaged expectations, making the news of my cancer returning even that much harder to swallow. i digress.

i was told that, had i been 65 instead of 35, the recommended follow-up would be to just keep an eye on things and react if something else popped up.

alas, i am, in fact, 35, which complicated matters. we now had evidence that my cancer was willing to come back. given that information, two oncologists recommended treatment, just as my urologist suggested would be the plan of action way back in february. in our minds, if things fell in my favor, we were planning on treatment. it was never really a question. when things ended up falling in my favor, we were ready to roll.

so, what did that mean? what comes next?

two ideas and one medicine were proposed considering my history. one oncologist suggested a six month treatment plan. the doctor at uab, who i will be doing my follow-up with from this point forward, recommended a full year. i would take a chemo pill each night for four weeks, then break for two weeks, for a total of nine cycles. yikes.

"treatment changes lives."

so, has treatment changed our lives? i don't know. not substantially. not yet.

monday night, i took my 28th (of 252) pill and finished my first cycle. my experienced side effects are as follows, in order of appearance:

"morning sickness" - this is the closest equivalent that i've heard to describe the overall nausea i feel every day. my medicine isn't making me actively sick. in waves, though, it makes me feel like i want to be sick. every day. kind of shitty.

general fatigue - this one hit pretty early on as well. i'm used to leaving work and being eager to start my afternoon/evening routines, including running, my rocky training montage or just hanging out with the girls. now, after i've made it through my day, if i sit down on the couch, i don't want to get up. on certain days, i have felt like i can't. this, too, is kind of shitty.

change in taste - i've been eating for 35 years now. over that time, my brain understands and recognizes what certain foods should taste like. pizza, hamburgers, ranch dressing. now, imagine, all those things, pizza, hamburgers, ranch dressing, etc. tasting like a watered down, metallic version of themselves, kind of like a wet spoon. this phenomenon, to continue a theme, has been pretty shitty.

sore/general sensitivity on my hands - i've rubbed places on my hands before during my exercise routines, but those places heal or callous and haven't been long-standing problems. in the last two weeks, those places have become super-fucking sensitive, to the point where it hurts to even pull my pants up. not, shitty, shitty, but frustrating.

gum pain - i've wondered if i didn't poke myself with a chip or something a couple weeks back and the medicine just isn't letting my body heal in the way i am used to it healing. it's not like i'm wolverine or anything, but i've cut myself up with chips before and it hasn't altered how i've had to chew my food or, at worst, made me not want to eat anything harder than jello. tag team this development with the change in taste thing, and now i hate the idea of eating. fairly shitty.

sensitivity on the bottom of my feet - no sores, no obvious bruising. just places that have started to hurt bad enough that i am overcompensating and limping around. no biggy. still shitty.

misc. - some lower back pain, some knee pain, the corners of my lips cracking open, the inside of my right nostril being one big scab because it's just that dry. attractive, right?

that's the list. taken one at a time, nothing here is life-changing, per se. pile all of this shitty on top on each other, though, i have felt inconvenienced.

here's the rub. i get it, man. i know things could be worse. my cancer could have spread. i could still have it. i could be hooked up to an iv getting pounded with a toxic drug that had little chance of working.

i am an expert only of my own experience, though. and, to this point, i hadn't experienced much of the above, and the above has kind of sucked.

i am hopeful that the next two weeks will provide some relief. beyond that, i am hopeful that the medicine and what it's doing to my body will be worth it in the long run. that, if there are silly little cells in my body that would like, one day, to mutate into cancer, they are re-educated or just fried to hell. either way i am good with.

here's to writing about something other than cancer soon, like there being a pool in the backyard of our new house or something.