a blog for june


two months removed from my last post is ridiculous.

i am going to have to consider some social media maneuvering to make more time for HACAJAM soon. under twenty posts for the year isn't going to cut it, cancer or no cancer.

june, man.

our baby, baby, baby girl turned one on thursday of last week. as is customary, we got all the usual "we can't believe she's so big!" comments, all the "wow, she shouldn't be one already!" or "oh, how time flies." stuff. and i get it. if you don't spend every day with someone, time does seem to fly by. if you've only seen her on facebook or in person three or four times in the last twelve months, she probably looks like a mighty midget contrasted to that sweet, dark haired little newborn of last october.

but a year it absolutely has been, even longer than that if you are counting in cancer months.

you see, cancer months or, maybe more specifically, chemo months don't move in the same way normal months do. they move hella slow, so slow sometimes that each day feels like two or three, since i don't really sleep the same while i'm on the medicine either.

i have drifted in and out of reality in the last six months or so. some days i feel bad. some days i feel worse. i don't look much worse for the wear on the outside unless i am limping like an old person, so it feels pretty stupid to tell someone that asks how shitty the last few days have been. what's the point? it's not going to change the way i feel, and the person doing the asking isn't going to ask again if i waste more than 30 seconds of their time. most people have just stopped asking at this point. i don't blame them. i don't like remembering that i am on chemo. i am sure other folks around me would like to forget, too. it's a drag. and it's easier to just handle it by myself anyway. i've always been better at feeling sorry for kevin o'kelley versus others feeling sorry for me.

what would make the last six months even worse is if we had a terrible, no good, crying all the time baby in the house. the big girls have been a handful, each terrible and no good in their own perfect ways. most of time, we are fairly certain hannah and caroline hate each other. they just fight so much. maybe once a day, we'll get a glimpse into their care for each other. they'll share a toy or sit down and watch a show together and quietly be around each other. mostly, though, they just pick and scrap and and tease and tattle and make the other's life miserable. as any other parent(s) can attest, this back and forth and back and forth makes you hate your children at times. they become burdensome, and people look at you weird when you're fed up with them in public. i hate that, because i'm always fed up with them, but, really, they (the girls) don't know what real pain is. they don't know what chemo is doing to me. they don't care, so i can't guilt them into being nice to each other as much as i can just cry in front of them. that's the only thing that makes them pause. really, i should just pick them up from after school care crying and see if our afternoons were better that way.

yes, what would make the last six months even worse is if we had a terrible, no good, crying all the time baby in the house.

but, we don't.

we have june.

named after one of the sweetest and most patient people this universe has ever known, june has repaid us for the compliment.

june.

the sweetest baby we've ever had.

the sweet baby that smiles all the time.

that needs to be the center of everyone's attention, but, really, totally should because you are missing out on something fantastically cute if you aren't paying attention all the time.

the sweet baby with the best baby nod.

the sweet baby that just sleeps, sleeps, sleeps through the night, only to wake up, coo, and talk a little every once and again and then falls right back asleep.

the sweet baby that is always told how beautiful she is.

the sweet baby that is, of course, beautiful.

the sweet baby that never really fusses unless she's super hungry or super tired.

that june "twist"s.

that moves her arm up and down and around to the sound of music like she's moshing at a straight edge concert.

the sweet baby that loves her ice cream.

the sweet baby that is about to walk.

the sweet baby that is playful and bashful and and corny and hilarious all within a five minute burst of june.

let her smile at you and try not to have your heart melt.

the most perfect baby for maybe the most trying time of her parents' lives.

it's not that we think she's going to stay perfect. her older sisters will ruin her of that potential sooner rather than later, we are sure.

it's more that, when we couldn't afford to have another catastrophe in our house, june made sure that she wasn't going to pile on.

it's truly been one of the most perfect blessings of my life, in a year when i've had so much to complain about, that a newborn wasn't one of those things.

in a year when i've had so much to complain about, that newborn may have been the one of the few things that helped me hold it together. to not backslide into late 2009. to not lash out at every goof on the street that said or did something stupid. to not be mean all of the time.

june, named after one of the sweetest and most patient people the universe has ever known, june has absolutely repaid the compliment in full, making our lives an even more beautiful place, making it worth being "in the fight", just being june.

i love you, sweet baby june. i am sorry daddy hasn't made you a bigger presence here. i'll do my best to work on that.

thanks for a good first year.