almost human


it's been two and a half months since the blog last breathed a live word. so much has happened. so little has actually happened.

the experience of attempting to document, in such a small way, my (hopefully) last (ever) cycle on chemo was draining. each of those days felt like a week. sitting down and trying to find enough light to make a joke about diarrhea or being chemo tired or aching all over or not tasting my food was cathartic in a way, but, at the same time, i wondered if i was making it too much fun, if that makes any sense.

had i been entirely truthful, i would and could have been much, much darker, but i suppose i made the editorial decision to not go that direction in the hopes that more of you and you and you would follow along. that more of you and you and you would, not necessarily sympathize with the plight, but gain a better understanding of what cancer can do to a person's body in general. i didn't want to be such a debbie downer that the experience of riding along with me would feel like a burden. and so, it was what it was.

my go to comment over the last month or so has been this. "i didn't know just how far away from normal i was until i actually felt normal again." and that's the god's honest truth. during the tail end of my breaks, i felt what i thought was close to normal. i could taste a little bit. i got a couple days worth of energy. i felt like being at work. i didn't hate everybody. i didn't hate myself. i wasn't wishing for a random bus to roll over my face. i felt almost human, and boy did i enjoy those days. i made sure to work out extra hard. to push my physical limits in as many ways as i could find, because i knew how difficult even getting up off the couch would be 10-14 days later.

nowadays, it's different. i have more energy during most of the day than i think it's fair for a normal person to have. not only can i taste, but i crave food. i want everything to be spicy. i look for reasons to walk around the store, to jump up and down. i sometimes go two full days without having to sit down on the toilet. and it is glorious.

i'm almost human again, which means many different things to many different people, including myself.

people don't ask me how i am anymore. i'm no longer on the prayer list. life has moved on. i'm old news. someone else you know has gotten sick. even worse, many people you and i have known have passed from this mortal place. the emphasis should be on them and the ones that will be affected next by tragedy, sickness, health, and other life shit.

it's still a weird feeling. not a lonely feeling. i was never very good nor did i feel comfortable with any attention my sickness brought. at the same time, i was bothered by others who i didn't feel like cared enough. it's fucked up, but it's how i felt.

i'm almost human now, as it relates to my health. in a random turn of events, i ended up with pneumonia for a couple weeks and now with an early diagnosis of adult-onset asthma. no biggie compared to cancer and chemo for sure, but both have delayed my motivation and ability to see if i am interested in running again. wheezing, being out of breath, not feeling like i can fully fill my lungs, people deal with that shit all the time, too. i'm not unique. it's still different for me.

it's time to get back in the blogging business, though.

there's so much to talk about.