hannah and me (part twelve)
keeping up with the joneses


one thing that i have found annoying/tough/frustrating to deal with in the last few months of fatherhood is my inner competitor being annoyed or frustrated at the notion that some toddler that we are close to (and hannah is comparable in age to) through being friends with the toddler's parents is "doing something" or has reached some toddler milestone before hannah. in some cases, milestone is probably a stretch, but in every case it's hard for me not to want hannah to be the first or best at something.

"we took so and so to see cars today. he/she loved it."

"so and so pooped in the potty today."

"so and so already knows their days of the week."

"so and so is soooooo smart."

"etc., etc., so and so, etc."

i want to be happy for the parents and share in their excitement, but most of time, i feel myself biting my tongue because i feel put off that someone stole my idea or i just cleaned a crappy pull-up not an hour removed from hannah pooping in the potty leading me into a false sense of security that the potty-training phase of hannah's life is now over.

my insecurity over these types of things among other things will be neverending and ever evolving in hannah's life and my life as a father. i know this. the last thing i want to be is jealous. but i am always jealous. i know is hannah is brilliant and beautiful. why isn't that enough? why do i care that any of our friend's babies could be just as beautiful or brilliant. who knows. well, i kind of know...

admittedly, my life at times, in my eyes anyway, could be seen as a life that never lived up to it's potential. but now that i've reached this utopia, where i finally feel like i am in control of my life, the potential of being the the best dad ever is something that i think i can actually make happen. that doesn't mean i have to go all earl woods on her. i guess i'll just have to keep reminding myself that being the best dad doesn't have anything to do with what the "joneses" are doing with their kid. it has everything to do with, when the baby girl is 29 years old and reaching her own utopia, hannah being able to look back and know that i loved her unconditionally every step of the way.

especially when she exclaims, "shit!!!", in the proper context when she drops a toy or stubs her toe.

that's my girl.