according to blogs, livejournals and the sort, we are all experts.


after revisiting the matrix trilogy a couple of weeks ago, i've come to this conclusion. there is no super-hero...ever...that ranks as high on the bad-ass-ometer as neo (my friend cookie will probably disagree). i had forgotten how goosebump inducing the second and third movies were to watch. to watch neo inside the matrix, bending the rules of that universe because he understood that, in that universe, there were only self-induced rules. rules that most plugged in to the matrix were happy to live by, but rules still that could be circumvented if one allowed his or her mind to drive around the speedbumps. what a wonderful metaphor for the world we live in today. if only i could manipulate this world like neo could manipulate the matrix...

if only i could fly, or be stronger or download kung-fu without putting in the years of training...

of course, that's why we have the movies. that's why we have blogs...

to continue the thought down matrix lane, here we are the trainmen and women. here we make the rules. but do we? a friend of mine wrote in his own blog this week about how we still need to understand the consequences of what we write. about how eyes that may happen across our worlds may not understand where we/i are coming from. and therefore we/i should temper our thoughts if we are unwilling to sleep in the bed of words that we make.

i suppose i agree with his sentiment, but still, i lay terribly unhappy with the thought. i can choose to let my thoughts go and share an honesty with those that read my thoughts that i might not be able to articulate out loud. but if i let my thoughts run without a governor, i have to worry about who i might upset, who i might offend, who may feel like i am talking about them. or i can choose to be so vague that when i look back a week removed from writing, even i don't remember what the hell i was talking about.

i don't like the vague idea. what's the point? i still harbor the idea that hannah may one day read my thoughts, and i want her to know what was going on without having to decipher my code to get the point. i've never been one, though, to intentionally try and hurt, anger, or confuse anyone either. i've wanted to, but even here, i guess i have already censored myself. that's too bad.

so i am not even the trainman here. and i am nowhere close to being neo. not in this "matrix" and definitely not in the real world. because i am chickenshit. that's too bad too.

what's worse? seeing the light and being too scared to walk towards it? or not seeing it at all?

i don't know.