opinions are like senior pastors at united methodist churches
(every"body" has one)
((and maybe that's the problem))


here is this blog's dirty little secret. if there are children listening right now, you may want to turn down the radio. ok. are we ready? good. most of what you read on hannah and caroline and (kevin) is...shhh...opinion.

on top of that? a lot of my opinions are based on...shhh...second-hand information. sometimes third-hand. sometimes, fourth. sometimes, more than that. sometimes, way more than that. all of it depends. all of the inspiration is relative. now, there are those of you that understand that. there are also those and will continue to be those (i hope) that are new to this particular fold. they might not get it at first. they will read a post. they might be offended. they might think it's stupid (they'd probably be right). they might think it's worth their time (it's not.) but those are the facts. these are my opinions. by definition, they "rest on ground insufficient to produce complete certainty." and i am cool with that. are you? from time to time, it's healthy to remind "you" of this, what should be common sense. from time to time, it's healthy to remind me of the same. no use getting all bent out of shape over one person's opinion, right? you may agree with them. you may not. if you don't, keep this in mind. you can add or subtract from the "point" of certain posts here. in fact, i love it when you do. you can even tell me what passage of scripture you think would help me work through my and that post's issues. but don't be bothered. why? don't you have enough to worry about? than my opinion? who am i? i am nobody. i am everybody. and everyone has one. take a deep breath.

opinions. "that's what makes the world go round." (sing to the melody in disney's sword in the stone.) one of my favorite tv shows, pardon the interruption, thrives because you are either a fan of tony's opinion or wilbon's opinion. or you are making your mind up while you are listening to them. are you for the bailout? are you against the bailout? mccain? obama? alabama? auburn? coffee? coke? meth? or heroin? hispanics? no hispanics? organization? chaos? where do you fall? what do you think? why do you hate me? who do you love? why? why? why?

as i've spoken thousands of times before here, the "why" is what's important. and it's always the "why" that gets us in trouble. because my way is not your way. and usually, it's your (my) way or the highway, right?

"this is not the right forum". why? because you (i) said so. don't vent in e-mails. speak face to face. "you should come to me." why? because you (i) said so. in your opinion, that's the way it should be handled. romans 12 doesn't address internet ethics. i can't find a passage that does. but we can make it say what we need it to say. so can i. because i am right and you are wrong.

we are all ridiculous.

i love hearing from readers. i love talking to them. knowing that they care. knowing that some of what is important to me is important, on some level, to someone else, even if you don't agree with me completely.

to those of you that i have absolutely lost with all of this rambling, i am reflecting on this. last week, a "concerned" (you know how i love that word) member of our congregation at humc sent out an e-mail expressing her opinion on certain subjects in the church. these subjects included the church's leadership (or lack thereof), the structure (or lack thereof) and the lack of transparency that she felt, in her opinion, could use improvement. well, people went apeshit. why? because they didn't agree with her opinion. they didn't feel that she knew what the crap she was talking about. and thus began hurricane internet. nevermind "why" she felt the way she did. nevermind that she is following, in the best way she knows how, the same christian guidelines as we all are (for those of us that are). she must have been wrong, because she did it in a way that "they" would not have. who cares about the "why"? someone must be wrong. "inflammatory". "insensitive". "disrespectful". blah-by, blah, blah, blah.

church people can be silly sometimes, right chris (perry)?

if you want to be catholic, do it. if you need someone to speak to god for you, cool. i don't judge you. in my opinion, i don't see it that way. i am methodist. i am serious about it. i have it blazed (literally and figuratively) on my person. and i believe that "you" and i are on level footing. you share with me. i'll share with you. but your thoughts, your opinions, the way you interpret scripture, the way you go to church, the way you see fit, the way you think is right...they don't mean any more to me than what all of my thoughts on those subjects mean to you. if we are on even footing, then we can work together. if you think your shit smells slightly more rose-y than mine, then we are going to have issues working together. and that's not opinion. that is a fact.

i "hear" that last night (the "emergency" meeting to end all meetings) went pretty well. softball went well, too. thanks for asking. i asked sarah how she would rate the night, 10 being positive and 1 being negative. she gave it a "7". i can live with that. i was bracing for a "3". "7" leaves room for much, much worse. and i can live with that. can you live with me? i bet you can. i don't have any reason to dislike you for more than a moment. there's a good chance you don't know me well enough to stay mad at me. we can talk, right?

you can read my opinions, and you can share them or not. as i've said before, i cannot express to you (especially you, hannah and caroline) how truly blessed i feel that you would spend any of your time with me here. there are surely better things to do in a day.

if you do choose to, though, don't be silly. don't be offended. this isn't the right forum for that nonsense. and that's an opinion.

dear jefferson county


after everything that's been said (not just here, but in close to one hundred e-mails) after the ill-fated disciples council/administrative board/trip to hell two sundays ago, it's hard to find original ground or thoughts concerning the fallout worth publishing on HACAM. this is truly unfortunate. why? because come monday night, whatever part of our congregation that shows up could possibly probably have the most important discussion (looking forward) that my church has left in her. monday night, a meeting has been called to discuss the "health of our church". (i, of course, will not be there. another ministry of our church, the softball team, has two weeks left of softball before the offseason, and considering how much more joy over the last eight years that effort has brought to me versus the church, corporate, there is absolutely no way that i would give up the doubleheader and leave the team shorthanded.) and by "health of the church", i mean, more or less, three things. (a) the hispanic "ministry". (b) the utter lack of organization and leadership of the current group in "power". (c) where do we go from here?

if it sounds like a lot to cram into two hours, well, it is. too much. and depending on how emotional the discourse becomes, it may not all be covered. and that would be a shame. because all of it and the impact of the discussion needs to be covered. unfortunately, it falls into the "rome was not built in a day" category. the hispanic thing has been festering for three years. we can not solve the hurt feelings that are streaming through the bloodlines of the church in half an hour. the lack of orgainization and leadership has been a problem for longer than that. the man responsible for running the meeting monday night has become a caricature of himself, one that holds himself in such different regard than the rest of the universe that it will be difficult to stray from an already manipulated forum. the "where do we go from here?" should have been in place by now. by the church. by us. but for twenty years, we have allowed ourselves to be so pastor-driven and not lay-driven that when we are appointed with a pastor that can't cure all of our problems for us, we continue to stumble down the hill we've been stumbling down for several appointments consecutively. is it all our fault? of course not. our conference doesn't know what to do with us either. our bishop(s) have made terribly short-sighted and misinformed decisions while considering our "spiritual directors", but we have to take some of the blame too. we've allowed it to be this way. we have to own our part.

the good news is that there seems to be some momentum toward this last part actually happening. whether it's just my sunday school class or us and other groups that are beginning to understand what the stagnant water, breeding ground for filth that is our church looks like, change feels as if it is afoot. i don't know if you can call it a movement quite yet. for, to move, you must have a direction and we still aren't there yet. but there is a feeling brewing that part of our church is unhappy barreling downhill into the darkness. if we have enough strength to put on the brakes and momentarily stop our descent, that is something, right? we might not be a movement or have somewhere to move just yet, but maybe we can stop long enough to know that we don't want to keep falling. and that is something worth having a discussion about. but we won't have time for that either.

i don't know what is going to happen monday night. sarah will represent the o'kelleys after rearranging her own schedule. i am still incredibly unhappy at the thought of having to hear what went on second-hand. but i don't have to be there and speak for my thoughts to be heard. sarah knows where i stand. so do the weeds. i'll be well-represented with like-minds. maybe that's enough.

i am often fond of hyperbole, but make no mistake. if you are wasting your time by reading this blog and have any sort of pull towards huffman united methodist church, you should dvr whatever you were going to watch on tv monday night and be in the sanctuary at 630. this could be the night that we take our church back. take it back from the hands that have apathetically led us for years. take it back from the lack of mission that has plagued us. take it back from ourselves that have stood idly by and let it all happen.

this crap didn't happen overnight and we won't fix it in two hours. collectively, though, we can tell each other that we plan to. and during this stewardship season, that may be the most important pledge we can make to the church that we love.

viva "HUMC".

disarmed
(pun intended)


"...the truth will set you free." - scripture-ripped from the mouth of jesus, himself. (or the translated mouth of jesus written down by some guy standing in the vicinity of him. it's pretty credible i hear. i digress.)

sometimes. yeah, i guess that's true. before that whole free thing happens, most of the time the "truth hurts." ( not ripped from jesus. i mean, i am sure he said it at some point in his life. i just don't know if some guy in the vicinity of him heard it. or wrote it down. or whatever. i digress)

a couple months back, i struggled on this site while coming to terms with the idea that one or two of the guys that i employed may have been indirectly responsible for me having an assault rifle pressed to my face. back and forth my brain has bounced from anger to sadness as i've tried to process what that would mean for me, them and their family. i heard a rumor last night and confirmed it with a story that i don't understand how i missed (considering how obsessive i've been looking around for new information) that further cements, in my mind, the idea having legs.

here's the story.

http://blog.al.com/spotnews/2008/08/seven_charged_with_homewood_ro.html

only pay attention to the last two paragraphs. the stuff above doesn't pertain to they guys i know. one of the last three mentioned and his brother both worked with me at the store up until they stopped showing up back in july. after their no-shows, we started hearing rumors about them being involved in nefarious goings-on such as pointing guns in peoples' faces and taking money that didn't belong to them. we, at the store, didn't want to hear any of that. these were among the nicest, most respectful young adults i had ever been around. after our store was robbed three times (a fourth was unsuccessful but still included guns pressed to my employee's head) in four months, they (the brothers) would participate, in their own way, in conversations where we would all swear to doing bad things to our perpetrators if we ever had the chance. if only we knew then what we know now, huh?

after most of the rumors we were hearing were confirmed by officers of the law that still come by and check on us from time to time, there was still a part of me that wanted them to be wrong. that wanted to hear that some guy named "my" guys in an effort to lessen his own punishments, and "my" guys' names would be cleared. knowing today that one of "my" guys sits in jail, charged with multiple robberies and attempted robberies, cuts most of the reality out of my want. i now know that their names have, at the very least, been placed in a conspiracy role with regards to the psp store jobs. and my wish for them to be free and safe and innocent has now been replaced by my genuine hope that (a) bad things happen to them in jail and (b) that i never see them again for the rest of my life.

at least, that's what i say here on the blog. here i can vomit all over my shoes and clean it up in a few days when i don't feel quite as bitter. if i were to actually see them, face to face, again, i would act towards them like i always did. i'd ask them how they were getting along. i'd hope for an apology. i'd forgive them anyway. after all, luckily, no one was hurt (if you don't count mentally scarred as being hurt). it wasn't my money (well, yeah. one time it was.) that they and their cute little band of robbers split.

who knows. maybe one day, someone can do a better job than me of showing them the context of translated jesus' (i don't think they know aramaic. that's ok, though. i don't either.) story and they'll understand that another, more positive income-earning direction would look better on them. i will pray for that.

the truth shall blah, blah, blah.

but not if you are a robber.

if only my mom had a facebook page
(hannah and caroline and me, part seventeen)


i used to think about it a lot more. it still pops up from time to time. what would my teenage years have been like if they had come only a few years later.

i don't know the exact date that al gore invented the internet (wink, wink), but i know that it played no role in my formative years. it wasn't long after that, though, that the internet took over my life. i was hired at the church in october of 1999. it wasn't long after my arrival that an internet connection came to my office and i found myself going back and forth on what i wanted my first personal e-mail address to be. hotmail was free at the time, so i would start there. a little foresight would have worked in my favor looking back almost ten years now. had i tried kevinokelley@..., my guess is that it would have been available. but, nooooo. i was still neck-deep in my ska-punk leanings, and my favorite of all bands would win out in the race to be anointed with the fortune of being connected to my emails from that point forward. kevmu330@hotmail.com. man, what a stupid address that seems like today. it's like a bad tattoo, but i just can't tear myself away from it. in a way, it's part of me (yes, i know. that's sad.). a couple people at the church call me "kevmu", which is ridiculous, but fun. i've registered a more name-appropriate gmail address, but who knows if i'll ever move my traffic there. no time soon i suppose. my love affair with the internet is now well-documented, but the "what if?"s still linger.

i think about how different life must be as a teenager with the world at your fingertips. and i am not just speaking of the community sites that have spread like a cancer since i watched them from afar while i was on staff at the church. to be able to have news instantly prepared and ready to consume. to read and research how a fifteen year-old in younamethecountry is not so different from one here. the same problems. the same feelings. the same wonders and obstacles just packaged differently and spoken in different languages. sports in an instant. sports commentary just as quick. i am a huge alabama and braves fan, but how incredibly obsessive would i be today if i had espn.com and tidesports.com at my disposal when i was literally realizing the idea of "fan" being short for fanatic? i would be insufferable, that's what. wikipedia. information. misinformation. all there for you to utilize and filter while working on a paper or while looking to waste time. i think about how much more enlightened teenagers today could be. they should be. they must be...right?

and then i am around one.

the last sentence is totally unfair. i shouldn't generalize all of teenage-dom's behavior based on one teen, or even the teens that i am around. i am no longer paid to mentor teens, but i am paid to employ them (if i deem them qualified to help sell pet supplies. not rocket science, mind you.), so i get plenty of opportunity, still, to mine the teenage mind. and what do i see? a wasteland of opportunity and potential. chasms and valleys of information just waiting to be found and processed, but most of the time, that information is ignored because even a teen has limited disposable time. and with that time? they are probably on facebook. or livejournal. or myspace. or bebo. or youtube. clawing for something to define their worth or individuality and usually finding it in someone else's work or art or own waste of time. if not on the "community" driven sites, i see them waste their time looking for the newest cell phone or the newest shoes or the newest music or the newest whatever gadget that they can afford and spend their money on in that same search for worth and individuality. and it's just a shame.

maybe i would have had a different view on life if i was a teenager ten years later. maybe i wouldn't have. i wish to believe that living through the hurricane of divorce and discomfort that were my own teenage years might have been easier if i didn't feel like i was the only person going through it at the time. i could have developed a "divorce sucks" facebook group and i would have had thousands of stories that were just like mine or like enough that i didn't think constantly of ways to bury my head in the sand. maybe this would have helped. or maybe it would have depressed me further. who knows.

a teenager today has it "better" than i did in a lot of ways, but i don't know if they are able to grasp what they have any "better". being a teenager is about learning life not solely through books or web pages but through experience. your own experience. not someone else's. which leads me to believe that there will always be something new and shiny and educational like the internet that might make growing up seem easier but doesn't actually.

it makes me laugh to think about my mom having a facebook page, attempting to monitor my communications with my friends or finding her own "community" with like-minded parents. it seems so silly. i applaud the effort of today's parents, but the children will always be one step or one website or one password ahead with anything that they truly feel the need to hide. i guess the key is to make your child feel like they can be as honest as possible with you on the day-to-day things and be comfortable enough with you that you can share their dread if the shit ever hits the fan.

looking back ten years, the internet felt so new and innocent. it wasn't then just like it isn't now. i can only imagine what it will have evolved into when hannah and caroline start to show interest. or what new and shiny and educational thing will be dangling in front of them as a temptation and tool all at the same time. i guess we'll find out soon enough. here's hoping that they trust me to share it with them. and if not, here's hoping that they are comfortable enough with me that i can share their dread when the shit inevitably hits the fan.

well, that went...
...as expected.


first to report? good news. no asses were made of myself sunday night. i approached my first administrative board/disciples council/black hole meeting in over three years with an eye towards not speaking up unless things got absolutely out of control. and they didn't. so, that was positive.

that's it for the good news.

it was painful (and expected) to see that the format of the agenda had not changed one iota since the last time i had graced the hallowed walls of whatever room the meeting was being held in with my presence. if it's not broke, don't fix it, right? what's that you say? it seems to be broken? what do you know, you casual observer from the outside that knows nothing?!?! at least we're having a meeting! what are you doing? watching t.v. on your couch, that's what. you suck. humc will never die. not on my watch! (excerpt taken from current disciples council chair's inner monologue...may or may not be accurate.)

it was also fairly painful to watch my former teammate's presentation fall on either deaf or defensive ears right from the get-go. as i mentioned last week, the idea behind the presentation was simple in form. allow my classmate to play the role of phil hartman's caveman lawyer in front of the group collected sunday night. he would ask possibly rhetorical, possibly not questions to the crowd and honestly gauge the honest responses to those questions. how many committees does humc currently have? who are the chairs of those committees? does each committee know their role within the infrastructure of the church? if a member of humc/visitor to humc was interested in finding a role on one of these committees, how would they search for that role? is there some type of oversight committee, bound and determined to keep the other committees on point and working for the common goal of the church as defined in our "mission statement"? why not? do you prefer mcdonald's fries or rally's fries?

it took all of one question before it all went wrong. chip asked his first question after a short introduction and the floor was all but taken from him. sure, he was allowed to stay up front and participate in the farce that the presentation had become, but he was not allowed to be in control. you see, once you have control, once you have power, it's hard to give it up. i've been there. done that. i know. but you have to set yourself up with a check or a balance that can say to you "wait a second, mr. chair. this guy is speaking. why don't you go get a cup of coffee or something." there was no such check or balance in the crowd sunday night. not even the senior pastor. imagine that.

the unfortunate end to the presentation's grand plan was a small victory for those of us that were there to support it. when the floor was "taken back", the point was driven out of the park. the flaw was illuminated for all to see. it has yet to be determined who in the room was wearing their proverbial sunglasses and who was not. but the flaw was there. "this is not the forum" will be the everlasting or quickly forgotten legacy to sunday night's meeting, and it could also well define every problem that our poor church currently struggles with.

if the group/council/yes-men that is responsible for all the "big" decisions in the church cannot allow a member of the congregation to suggest something is wrong, much less make it's way to the solution phase, who can? the "greatest senior pastor ever"? probably not. the cheerleader? um, no. then, who?

"who?" is right. and wrong altogether, but we knew that already, didn't we? well, at least some of us did. the question now becomes, "what?" what is the next step? what do we do in the face of such extraordinary stubbornness, hubris even? what rock do we turn over next?

i guess we eat bbq and baptize more hispanics.

christ.

what will happen sunday night?


my mind is racing in a hundred different directions as i try and filter through some of my thoughts concerning the process that has led to sunday night. sunday evening at 7:00, HUMC will have it's bi-monthly disciples council meeting. for those not in the know, the disciples council used to be known as the administrative board of our church, made up of at-large voting members and the chairpersons of each of huffman's (or any methodist church's) various committees. the meeting is always open to the congregation (unless noted as a closed meeting, which has never happened in my time at the church), but the congregation rarely seizes the opportunity to come listen in. i don't really blame them. the meeting is not usually very exciting or informative, one or both of which is a requirement for anyone to tear themself away from a lazy sunday evening at home. the meeting usually runs as such. the meeting is called to order and then a short devotion is delivered. shortly after, the chairperson of the board/council opens the floor up to the committee heads and asks for them to volunteer reports to the group to enlighten this representation of the church as to what our ministries have been working on and are working towards. some committees will report at every meeting. some committees will never report. the pastor will, next, deliver some sort of charge and then you are out.

you can get an idea of which committees hold the "power" and which are the "second-tier" groups that don't have much pull by sitting in a couple times. as a staff member at the church, i held a voting seat at "the table", but most of the time played the youth ministry's cards fairly close to the vest. if i had good news, i'd praise the group or the parents or shout thanks to those in the room for everyone to feel good about our progress, but if there was any help i needed, i rarely looked for it from the administrative board. i knew the folks that i needed to talk to to "get things done" and, for the most part, that worked best for the group and for the church, even if the "represented" church never really knew about it or ever really cared.

highlighting my (somewhat perverted, admittedly) approach illustrates one of the problems that our church (and i am sure many others) has faced for quite some time. for, even as a young and inexperienced staff person, i was well aware that the group that is responsible for the "big decisions" in the church wasn't that responsible for anything. in my own opinion, i have never seen this board or council as anything more than the church's figurative (or figurehead) cheerleader, there to put as much emphasis on the positive as they could and find ever-new and unique ways to throw a carpet on top of sensitive issues that could lead and have led to the church's serious decline over the last twenty years.

i've spoken (not terribly candidly yet) about the undercurrent of angst directed towards the hispanic "ministry" of our church. my personal thoughts on it aside, that there is angst is nothing more than a symptom of our greater problem.

that greater problem, whatever it is, has tripped up my sunday school class for months on top of months now. we "hear" that it is tripping up other groups and other classes, but those groups and those classes have the same obstacle as we do. we don't know where to go with the frustration. we don't know which door to kick in. we don't understand how so much lack of understanding and communication exists in a church that worships with just over 200 people each sunday morning. and so, as a group, we have decided to address the greater problem. (i take some of that back. we know how the system works by definition. we just don't live by that definition. haven't in a long time.)

i hope to make the room the by the time the meeting starts, but at some point during the session, one of my classmates and ex-softball teammates will be making a presentation and asking some very pointed questions to unsuspecting people gathered for what they thought to do who-knows-what sunday night. our hope in making the presentation is to stir enough confusion and eventual feedback that some of the questions (which should ((and do, in theory)) have obvious answers) that are asked sunday night may ultimately be easily answered or found by every member of or visitor to our congregation. we hope that it shines a light on how poorly handled the church's infrastructure has been. we hope that it, in some way, opens (or kicks in) a door that will allow members or groups in the church to have conversations with the leaders of HUMC about issues important to them without being fearful that they will step on someone's toes (or culture). we hope that it will be positive step in a forward direction.

my fear is that some of our "leaders" will take personally and be offended by some of the questions that cannot so easily be answered. my fear is that, because of this, some will respond in a defensive manner and cloud the overall purpose of our reclaiming a point to what is usually a pointless meeting. my fear is that i am going to have to make an ass out of myself at a meeting that i am always "invited" to but am not really invited to and have to blog about my disappointment when i am off again next wednesday.

but fear is just a state of mind, right? that's what i tried to claim tuesday. and i do believe that, in some cases, things must be torn down in order to be built back up. we'll see what happens.

obviously, i'll keep you posted.

fear the community
(or not?)


anyone remember this post? to this day, i still like going back every once and again and reading it. beyond the "hannah (and caroline) and me" and sports-tinged posts, i think this short and sweet entry set the tone for what this site would become. it captures a true and telling snapshot of many of the frustrations that still lingered from my having left the HUMC staff. several of the comments helped me realize that (a) some folks were reading what i had to say and (b) some of them were as surprised and upset with the decision to cancel the halloween carnival as i was. the last comment by then senior pastor owen was the best of all, though, because it highlighted the obvious discomfort that some "concerned" folks had with the idea that i may have still been in conversation with young people (then and now friends) that i used to serve in the role of student pastor. the "concerned" may have won the battle, but i believe that the war is still up for grabs.

call me delusional (and i often am), but there is a part of me that will always wonder if the stink that i raised three years ago caused a wave that collected with other like-minded (and rational) waves on shore that made a difference in the halloween carnival being re-instituted on the campus of huffman united methodist. not that i am asking for any credit in the matter. i couldn't care less really why it happened (ok. that's a lie. i am always more concerned with the "why" it happened.). it just makes me happy that the beast is still alive. and it makes me happy to be a part of something that i believe is a genuine difference-maker at a place that i still believe can genuinely make a difference.

that said, i am happy to report that the halloween carnival is back again this year. that said, i am happier to report that we are bringing back the freaking box maze (!!!) to the proceedings as well. you ask me for a group/company team-building project idea, i will give you the box maze. there is absolutely no other event (outside of a mission trip/choir tour) in my church history that has provided a better example, from start to finish (the blueprinting. the collecting of boxes. the construction. the duct tape. the night of the carnival. the destruction. the clean-up.), of the concept of "team" as our trips in box maze heaven accomplished. am i wrong? what could be more inclusive? worried that you don't have the skills to contribute? i would argue that even you can pick up a box. i would argue that even you can throw away that box. i would argue that even you can use duct tape. and i would apologize to those of you with no arms to accomplish these tasks. but i would tell even you that you could serve the role of surveyor, eyeing the spawn of the beast and giving instruction on where more tape must be placed. it's the end all, be all metaphor for church. it is the box maze. and it's back!

more good news? it's on freaking halloween. in the past, some (probably "concerned") members of our crowd have frowned on the idea of putting the halloween carnival on halloween. "we might attract the ne'er-do-wells." "what happens if someone comes with bad intentions?" "halloween carnivals love the devil!"...or other logical arguments. i say "poo" to the naysayers. i say in the middle of the (currently, though rising) sixth most dangerous city in the country, it stands to reason that we might provide safe haven and alternative to those that want to dress up for fun and candy and not be afraid that they will roll across real (and truly intended) police tape as they march through our community's streets. then again, i could be stupid (and i often am).

there is a part of our church, maybe even the consensus whole, that is scared to death of what our ever-evolving "community" might bring with them if we ever truly "invited" them inside our walls. and that consensus could probably make good points as it relates to their fears. but that does not excuse the fact that fear is only in the mind of the beholder. it's a state of mind. it's complicated, i get it, but it's something that doesn't have to grip you and guide you to making short-sighted and safe decisions like watching fox news all the time. fear is something that can so simply be turned on it's head if one person or one group or one church can redefine the fear into something positive. fear canceled the halloween carnival at HUMC in 2005. but i do believe fear brought it back. and i do believe that fear is bringing back the box maze. and i do believe that if we keep doing carnivals on the day that they should be held and if we keep making box mazes and metaphors for what church should really be, we can re-learn and understand that, yes, we are an old church, but we are not dead yet.

viva la box maze!!!

hannah and caroline and me

(part sixteen)

when did this happen? surely, it wasn't overnight. maybe it just feels that way. i hope so. i can only guess that this feeling overwhelms every parent when their first child starts to become their own little person. no longer are they just parrots that mimic their parent's gestures and movements or repeat what they hear us say. at some point (in hannah's case, sometime late this summer), they start to figure out what it is to be them. to be an "individual" in the loosest sense of the term. she is still overwhelmingly influenced by her parents and her teachers and her friends at school and the television, but it's obvious that she is starting to process the information in a different way.

it's amazing to watch unfold in front of my eyes. she uses words like "actually" and "responsible" in their proper context and she utters phrases like "are you out of your mind?" because she is genuinely bent by the conversation she's having that the other person is actually out of their mind.

i love you, hannah, and not just because you remind me so much of me that it makes me sick and proud all at the same time. you are stubborn. hard-headed. innocently vain. caring of your sister. interested in pushing your sister's buttons. and mary poppins sweet. this afternoon, you looked at me like you look at people sometimes with those big blue eyes and you just patted my head. you didn't say anything, but your gentle touch said "i love you, daddy" without ever having to say a word. why did you do that? where did you learn it? will you do it again, please?

it's hard to wrap my head around the idea that you are growing up, but lucky for me, i don't feel like it's happening too fast. maybe that will happen later. i keep hearing "they grow up so fast", but it doesn't feel that way yet. i feel like you are growing up just right. at just the right speed. fast enough that you can learn a proper lesson now. but slow enough that it takes months, sometimes, for me to appreciate you've reached a new level of smart.

when i am patient enough, i try and look at the world through your eyes, like i did for a few minutes this afternoon before we laid caroline down for a nap. still unsure of how time dictates so much of our lives. still motivated by nothing more than when you can get your next snack or your next barbie. learning to understand the "why" of no and not simply the command. you're in a good place. i won't wish for you to stay in it forever, but i am glad that i am sharing it with you.

you're a special little (big) girl. i am glad i picked you up early today.

meanwhile, here's what caroline thinks of the zoo...

silly girl.