hannah and caroline and me

(part sixteen)

when did this happen? surely, it wasn't overnight. maybe it just feels that way. i hope so. i can only guess that this feeling overwhelms every parent when their first child starts to become their own little person. no longer are they just parrots that mimic their parent's gestures and movements or repeat what they hear us say. at some point (in hannah's case, sometime late this summer), they start to figure out what it is to be them. to be an "individual" in the loosest sense of the term. she is still overwhelmingly influenced by her parents and her teachers and her friends at school and the television, but it's obvious that she is starting to process the information in a different way.

it's amazing to watch unfold in front of my eyes. she uses words like "actually" and "responsible" in their proper context and she utters phrases like "are you out of your mind?" because she is genuinely bent by the conversation she's having that the other person is actually out of their mind.

i love you, hannah, and not just because you remind me so much of me that it makes me sick and proud all at the same time. you are stubborn. hard-headed. innocently vain. caring of your sister. interested in pushing your sister's buttons. and mary poppins sweet. this afternoon, you looked at me like you look at people sometimes with those big blue eyes and you just patted my head. you didn't say anything, but your gentle touch said "i love you, daddy" without ever having to say a word. why did you do that? where did you learn it? will you do it again, please?

it's hard to wrap my head around the idea that you are growing up, but lucky for me, i don't feel like it's happening too fast. maybe that will happen later. i keep hearing "they grow up so fast", but it doesn't feel that way yet. i feel like you are growing up just right. at just the right speed. fast enough that you can learn a proper lesson now. but slow enough that it takes months, sometimes, for me to appreciate you've reached a new level of smart.

when i am patient enough, i try and look at the world through your eyes, like i did for a few minutes this afternoon before we laid caroline down for a nap. still unsure of how time dictates so much of our lives. still motivated by nothing more than when you can get your next snack or your next barbie. learning to understand the "why" of no and not simply the command. you're in a good place. i won't wish for you to stay in it forever, but i am glad that i am sharing it with you.

you're a special little (big) girl. i am glad i picked you up early today.

meanwhile, here's what caroline thinks of the zoo...

silly girl.