the end of the world
(part one)
(("night letters"))
"your mind constantly returns to a place that's not so fucking cold...
but on fire with war."
it's not out of the ordinary while i am laying in my bed at night with my eyes open or sitting in front of the computer in the office at the store or resting comfortably on the couch watching tv that my mind starts to wander.
in my bed at night, the nightdream starts with an intruder making his way up the stairs. my senses flash to alert status, eyes fully open now, staring at the fan and listening closely, hoping that the noise was just the cats frolicking about, keeping themselves busy until the sun comes up and it's time for them to go to sleep. it's not the cats. it's footsteps. the intruder pauses at the top of stairs, making his mind up as to which room he will enter first, sizing up the potential competition in each. he chooses. poorly. i am awake and out of my bed at this point. i am waiting for the biggest, baddest motherscratcher with the biggest and baddest gun on the planet to enter my room. i am not scared. i do not breathe heavily. i merely wait. as he enters, he is not so big, nor is he so bad. he is probably just desperate. but his desperation pointed him in the wrong direction on this night. he gently opens the door and glances around. i allow him to proceed through the darkness two steps further. i destroy his face with a baseball bat. game over.
i stir back into reality.
at the store, the daydreams are like a running loop. a memory that ceases to exist. i fade for a few seconds into monotony, it's product a haze. my eyes lose focus as if i were trying to make out the hidden image on a magic-eye picture. i remember running to the back room, picking up my pace when he tells me to. i remember being angry at the command. i've already seen his stature. i am not afraid of him. i am afraid of the gun that he wields. a gun i've only seen in pictures before. i don't yet even know what it's called. that will take a police officer watching the security tape with me. we make it to the back room and i turn off the alarm that, in all god's honest truth, i believe is the alarm that is screeching loudly enough for the surrounding neighborhood to hear and wonder what is going on. it's the wrong alarm. the masked man is no longer masked. i turn. i see his eyes. he, too, is desperate. but now, an anger boils within. he thinks i've tricked him. i haven't. i just made a mistake. he presses the gun to my head. i tell him it's the other alarm. he shouts at me to go turn it off. i listen to the gun once more. and i run. i see the image from the security tape in my head. he stays behind to open the back door. i run down towards what i see in front of me is an open door. but i don't run out. not this time. i notice he is not behind me. i hear him come out of the back room. i duck behind a floorstack. i hear him trotting down the aisle. he sees the open door as i did. as he nears my hiding place, i hear him sigh, "goddamit". he passes me. i am now in control. i tackle the smaller man from behind. wrestle away the gun. stand. point it at him...
i stir back to reality.
on my couch, the dream is much like the first. this time i am alone. watching sports. entirely content. i've just finished my rocky training montage. i feel good. the adrenaline is still in my veins. i've just taken my music out of my ears. the last song i played is the same last song i've played since march 10. it is propagandhi. it is "night letters". and i am wishing for a fight. whomever happens to be the last person i've thought ill about knocks on the door. they are wishing for the same. i open the door. i smile.
i stir back to reality.
the same reality where i may not be so brave or foolish. or i may. we would have to see. but it's the same reality that very often feels cold, overwhelming and alone even when i am surrounded with friends and family and many good things that should serve to take my mind away from places on fire with war.
others' reality may not be so lucky.
i don't like my daymares or my deathdreams any more now than i did several years ago when i didn't know how to control them, when they would cause me to panic and lose my breath. my head swimming and swirling around uncontrollably is not a feeling i would wish on anyone.
now, though, i've learned to refocus and funnel those negative thoughts into their own compartment, one to which i, only, have the key. i can get in when i want. i can get out when i want. "night letters" serves perfectly as the soundtrack to this one compartment of my life.
i am glad that i don't have to live there.
but i sure love this fucking song.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
follow me on twitter
ok. i've decided on a different approach to this topic. i am not going to attack it, because, for one, i don't understand it.
there are countless things/vices in this world that i don't have a personal experience with and yet still may frown upon. i've never done serious drugs. don't understand the addiction. don't condone the use, but i am not going to bash it here because i don't have the first-hand wherewithall to draw from and give me a more than subjective feel for it. same with cigarettes. people smoke. are addicted to it. i don't understand it. never been there or done that. so, i am not going to rail on them or you here. what's the point? i would just come across as ignorant. the whole twitter phenomenon can be filed under this personal category for me. it may seem like these are somewhat drastic or dramatic comparisons to draw in relation to "tweeting", but they all conjure up about the same ire within in me currently, so throw stones if you'd like. pretty good chance i'd just catch them anyway. you do throw like a girl. moving on.
on the other hand, there are things that i feel compelled to whine about here like church or sports because i feel like i have a pretty good handle on how they should be done well. i, alone, may not be able to create with any consistency the perfect worship service, but i know what one feels like, can see it if it's in front of me and i know what kind of work it takes to make it happen. same with sports. i suck at them for the most part now, but i am aware of the dedication, physically and mentally, that it takes to perform at a relatively high level and i feel like i am not being a total jerkface when i am commenting about them.
which brings me to my point. and maybe to a discussion that will serve the greater good. that point being i don't get twitter.
in an appearance on the daily show about a month ago, nbc news anchor brian williams said this about "tweets", challenging them for only "having subject matter which refers to the condition of the author in any given instant." (thanks, wikipedia) he went on to say that he didn't feel like his life was interesting enough, in any given moment, to publish in twitter format.
i think i have similar issues. i get the idea of them as a social networking tool. those that choose to "follow" someone's tweets will have access to or insight into a life of a friend or celebrity or whomever that they otherwise would not have. it's a busy world we all make for ourselves. i get the feeling or want to be connected even as we are running around making ourselves feel useful. i get that part of it. i do.
i think the part of it i don't get are the inherent limitations that come along with the 140 character limit. there is only so much one can say in 140 characters. maybe that's part of the fun or the art. most observations i've made, though, seem to be that it tends towards the narcissistic.
who, ultimately, are you tweeting for? yourself? your followers? both at the same time?
do your followers really care if you are having coffee and watching a bum nag passers-by? should they? what does you tweeting say about you? what does it say about those that care? i don't know. i need help.
"i am going to get my hair done."
"man, spaceballs is a really funny movie."
"i play in the nba and need to play harder in the second half. my coach yells so."
"back from a long day at work. too lazy to call you. have a good night."
"i am thinking of you all. every single one of you. aren't you thinking of me?" (to which the "followers", of course, would reply, "hell to the yes! i was just thinking of you too!" to which the original twitterer could then reply by going to sleep with a greater sense of self-worth.)
who knows. maybe i just don't want to "get it". in the same way i don't want to get updating your status on facebook. who cares? who is it for? who is worried?
listen, i am about as impersonal as they come. i am an introvert. the more covert or private my social interactions can be, the better. but this thing, this twitter, strikes even me as either shallow or lazy.
i could be wrong, and i'd love to hear from some twitterers to get your take.
as for now? "follow me on twitter".
sorry. probably not.
all those that are heartbroken raise their hands, please.
anyone?
ok. i've decided on a different approach to this topic. i am not going to attack it, because, for one, i don't understand it.
there are countless things/vices in this world that i don't have a personal experience with and yet still may frown upon. i've never done serious drugs. don't understand the addiction. don't condone the use, but i am not going to bash it here because i don't have the first-hand wherewithall to draw from and give me a more than subjective feel for it. same with cigarettes. people smoke. are addicted to it. i don't understand it. never been there or done that. so, i am not going to rail on them or you here. what's the point? i would just come across as ignorant. the whole twitter phenomenon can be filed under this personal category for me. it may seem like these are somewhat drastic or dramatic comparisons to draw in relation to "tweeting", but they all conjure up about the same ire within in me currently, so throw stones if you'd like. pretty good chance i'd just catch them anyway. you do throw like a girl. moving on.
on the other hand, there are things that i feel compelled to whine about here like church or sports because i feel like i have a pretty good handle on how they should be done well. i, alone, may not be able to create with any consistency the perfect worship service, but i know what one feels like, can see it if it's in front of me and i know what kind of work it takes to make it happen. same with sports. i suck at them for the most part now, but i am aware of the dedication, physically and mentally, that it takes to perform at a relatively high level and i feel like i am not being a total jerkface when i am commenting about them.
which brings me to my point. and maybe to a discussion that will serve the greater good. that point being i don't get twitter.
in an appearance on the daily show about a month ago, nbc news anchor brian williams said this about "tweets", challenging them for only "having subject matter which refers to the condition of the author in any given instant." (thanks, wikipedia) he went on to say that he didn't feel like his life was interesting enough, in any given moment, to publish in twitter format.
i think i have similar issues. i get the idea of them as a social networking tool. those that choose to "follow" someone's tweets will have access to or insight into a life of a friend or celebrity or whomever that they otherwise would not have. it's a busy world we all make for ourselves. i get the feeling or want to be connected even as we are running around making ourselves feel useful. i get that part of it. i do.
i think the part of it i don't get are the inherent limitations that come along with the 140 character limit. there is only so much one can say in 140 characters. maybe that's part of the fun or the art. most observations i've made, though, seem to be that it tends towards the narcissistic.
who, ultimately, are you tweeting for? yourself? your followers? both at the same time?
do your followers really care if you are having coffee and watching a bum nag passers-by? should they? what does you tweeting say about you? what does it say about those that care? i don't know. i need help.
"i am going to get my hair done."
"man, spaceballs is a really funny movie."
"i play in the nba and need to play harder in the second half. my coach yells so."
"back from a long day at work. too lazy to call you. have a good night."
"i am thinking of you all. every single one of you. aren't you thinking of me?" (to which the "followers", of course, would reply, "hell to the yes! i was just thinking of you too!" to which the original twitterer could then reply by going to sleep with a greater sense of self-worth.)
who knows. maybe i just don't want to "get it". in the same way i don't want to get updating your status on facebook. who cares? who is it for? who is worried?
listen, i am about as impersonal as they come. i am an introvert. the more covert or private my social interactions can be, the better. but this thing, this twitter, strikes even me as either shallow or lazy.
i could be wrong, and i'd love to hear from some twitterers to get your take.
as for now? "follow me on twitter".
sorry. probably not.
all those that are heartbroken raise their hands, please.
anyone?
Sunday, March 22, 2009
resignation sets in
well, it's settled. i am not going to repeat and win my ncaa pool this year. analyzing my bracket, it kind of surprises me, even today, that i only made three real reaches this year. and by reaches, i mean true gamble picks that would separate my bracket away from the mainstream "hey, look. i've got all the one and two seeds in my elite eight!" brackets. everyone picks a first-round upset or five. they only cost you 10 points anyway. so, those don't count as reaches unless you've got a fifteen over a two or a sixteen over a one.
my three reaches were these:
arizona st. over syracuse, through to the sweet sixteen - i had zona st. losing to oklahoma in the next round, so this wasn't a huge reach, but i was picking against the hottest team in the country and everyone's new favorite player, jonny flynn (i admit it. i like him too.). i had seen zona st. four or five times this year and every game i saw, james harden was the freaking man. heads and shoulders better than any other player on the floor, including their home win over ucla. boy, what a bust he turned out to be. turns out i put too much stake into the ucla game, because turns out ucla sucks. they got destroyed yesterday. zona st. and harden got wiped out in the first game today. 1-8 shooting in the first round. 2-10 today. awesome. thanks for showing up, james. maybe he was already thinking about the nba draft. i have no idea. anyway, first reach...fail.
wake forest to the final four - well, shit. the only true upset of the first round comes at the expense of my sleeper pick of the tournament. saw bits and pieces of several wake games this year and was severely impressed each time. they beat carolina. beat duke. had all the makings of a very good and balanced basketball team, brimming with at least three (maybe four) guys that'll play in the nba. they were young, sure, but so is every good team in college basketball these days. something weird happened down the stretch to them, though, and i just didn't want to believe it. i think i read they went 7-6 in their final thirteen games. not terrible, but not a team that was going to win four straight through good teams and make the final four. bad choice on my end. i got bit. two fails.
oklahoma to win it all - no, picking a two seed to win it isn't going to melt anyone's brains, but when only 4.4 percent of the country (according to espn's bracket tally) is holding hands with me, i'll chalk that up as a solid reach. carolina has serious flaws as a team even if lawson looked good yesterday. louisville will not hit their threes during at least one game this tournament. they better hope the other team is off too. pitt doesn't score easily enough for my taste. and uconn? i've never really felt uconn this year, even though they've been the most impressive team of the first two rounds. when making my picks, i could totally see this being a carmelo in 2003 situation. blake griffin, best college player on the planet, would take his team on his very broad and athletic shoulders through the rest of the good-but-not-great field. freshman willie warren would be his gerry mcnamara-esque second fiddle. and the supporting cast would fill whatever role blake griffin needed them to on their way to cutting down the nets. this still could happen, but syracuse, version 2009, still looks like the hottest team in the country as of this morning. carolina looks worthy of a one seed again. then likely pitt in the semifinal? then louisville or uconn in the final? yikes. four top ten teams, four straight wins? i just don't believe it can happen anymore. it took all of three days for my confidence to be crushed.
so, i concede defeat and i will golf clap some bracket that has north carolina winning it all, stepping over me and all others to claim victory. from this point forward, i will root for good games the rest of the way. pathetic wisconsin/xavier does not apply, hence the time stamp on this post.
from this point forward, i put on my cap and prepare for the braves to destroy my soul. wbc semi tonight. two more weeks of spring training and rooting for my new man-crush, jordan schafer, to win atlanta's centerfield job. softball in nine days. it's baseball season, folks.
who needs brackets, right?
well, it's settled. i am not going to repeat and win my ncaa pool this year. analyzing my bracket, it kind of surprises me, even today, that i only made three real reaches this year. and by reaches, i mean true gamble picks that would separate my bracket away from the mainstream "hey, look. i've got all the one and two seeds in my elite eight!" brackets. everyone picks a first-round upset or five. they only cost you 10 points anyway. so, those don't count as reaches unless you've got a fifteen over a two or a sixteen over a one.
my three reaches were these:
arizona st. over syracuse, through to the sweet sixteen - i had zona st. losing to oklahoma in the next round, so this wasn't a huge reach, but i was picking against the hottest team in the country and everyone's new favorite player, jonny flynn (i admit it. i like him too.). i had seen zona st. four or five times this year and every game i saw, james harden was the freaking man. heads and shoulders better than any other player on the floor, including their home win over ucla. boy, what a bust he turned out to be. turns out i put too much stake into the ucla game, because turns out ucla sucks. they got destroyed yesterday. zona st. and harden got wiped out in the first game today. 1-8 shooting in the first round. 2-10 today. awesome. thanks for showing up, james. maybe he was already thinking about the nba draft. i have no idea. anyway, first reach...fail.
wake forest to the final four - well, shit. the only true upset of the first round comes at the expense of my sleeper pick of the tournament. saw bits and pieces of several wake games this year and was severely impressed each time. they beat carolina. beat duke. had all the makings of a very good and balanced basketball team, brimming with at least three (maybe four) guys that'll play in the nba. they were young, sure, but so is every good team in college basketball these days. something weird happened down the stretch to them, though, and i just didn't want to believe it. i think i read they went 7-6 in their final thirteen games. not terrible, but not a team that was going to win four straight through good teams and make the final four. bad choice on my end. i got bit. two fails.
oklahoma to win it all - no, picking a two seed to win it isn't going to melt anyone's brains, but when only 4.4 percent of the country (according to espn's bracket tally) is holding hands with me, i'll chalk that up as a solid reach. carolina has serious flaws as a team even if lawson looked good yesterday. louisville will not hit their threes during at least one game this tournament. they better hope the other team is off too. pitt doesn't score easily enough for my taste. and uconn? i've never really felt uconn this year, even though they've been the most impressive team of the first two rounds. when making my picks, i could totally see this being a carmelo in 2003 situation. blake griffin, best college player on the planet, would take his team on his very broad and athletic shoulders through the rest of the good-but-not-great field. freshman willie warren would be his gerry mcnamara-esque second fiddle. and the supporting cast would fill whatever role blake griffin needed them to on their way to cutting down the nets. this still could happen, but syracuse, version 2009, still looks like the hottest team in the country as of this morning. carolina looks worthy of a one seed again. then likely pitt in the semifinal? then louisville or uconn in the final? yikes. four top ten teams, four straight wins? i just don't believe it can happen anymore. it took all of three days for my confidence to be crushed.
so, i concede defeat and i will golf clap some bracket that has north carolina winning it all, stepping over me and all others to claim victory. from this point forward, i will root for good games the rest of the way. pathetic wisconsin/xavier does not apply, hence the time stamp on this post.
from this point forward, i put on my cap and prepare for the braves to destroy my soul. wbc semi tonight. two more weeks of spring training and rooting for my new man-crush, jordan schafer, to win atlanta's centerfield job. softball in nine days. it's baseball season, folks.
who needs brackets, right?
Saturday, March 21, 2009
25-7
good enough for alone in second after the first round. not bad.
hey, are you excited about that arizona/cleveland st. game tomorrow? mmm. gotta love "cinderella" games where a twelve or thirteen seed is going to make the sweet sixteen no matter what. it's not that i hate these schools or the players that play for them. what i will hate is hearing their personal stories all next week leading up to the next slate of games. how far they've come. how many teddy bears they sleep with at night. someone will have a blind mother. it's inevitable.
whatever. anybody in my pool knows the real reason i am bitter this morning is because i lost my first final four team to the aforementioned cleveland st. vikings. i can't enjoy outpicking twenty-five other brackets because of the pesky little "points possible remaining" column that will serve as a constant reminder that my name is bound to start tripping down the list.
dammit.
i hate when i can't see the trees for the forest.
good enough for alone in second after the first round. not bad.
hey, are you excited about that arizona/cleveland st. game tomorrow? mmm. gotta love "cinderella" games where a twelve or thirteen seed is going to make the sweet sixteen no matter what. it's not that i hate these schools or the players that play for them. what i will hate is hearing their personal stories all next week leading up to the next slate of games. how far they've come. how many teddy bears they sleep with at night. someone will have a blind mother. it's inevitable.
whatever. anybody in my pool knows the real reason i am bitter this morning is because i lost my first final four team to the aforementioned cleveland st. vikings. i can't enjoy outpicking twenty-five other brackets because of the pesky little "points possible remaining" column that will serve as a constant reminder that my name is bound to start tripping down the list.
dammit.
i hate when i can't see the trees for the forest.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
grrrr...
internet on. internet off. internet on. internet off. internet on. internet off.
i get it. we've been spoiled. for the most part, we haven't experienced the terrible difficulties that some have getting consistent access to the world wide whatever.
the last few days, we've had it.
it thwarted what may have been a fun two or three part series on my off day that now feels dated in my head. it may come back. it may not.
basketball consumes me now. and will for the next three days.
maybe then, my war on twitter will begin.
either that, or i start to detail the end of the world.
neither will be exciting. both will be necessary.
church went well sunday. all of it. kind of unbelievable, right?
internet on. internet off. internet on. internet off. internet on. internet off.
i get it. we've been spoiled. for the most part, we haven't experienced the terrible difficulties that some have getting consistent access to the world wide whatever.
the last few days, we've had it.
it thwarted what may have been a fun two or three part series on my off day that now feels dated in my head. it may come back. it may not.
basketball consumes me now. and will for the next three days.
maybe then, my war on twitter will begin.
either that, or i start to detail the end of the world.
neither will be exciting. both will be necessary.
church went well sunday. all of it. kind of unbelievable, right?
Sunday, March 15, 2009
so...who ya got?
it's selection sunday. can you feel the excitement? no? then that means one of two things. one, you already can feel that this is a sports post and you've tuned me out. or two, you are like me, an alabama fan. the basketball team sent you swirling down the toilet bowl of apathy long ago and you've rarely even realized that college basketball is being played. i get it. i am with you.
but you don't have to be a college basketball fan to fill out a bracket. hell, you don't even have to like sports. you just do it because everyone in your office is doing it. you'll watch a little espn tonight or check out the team capsules online sometime tomorrow so you, too, can become an "expert" like the rest of us, and dammit, you are ready to roll!
so, the question that you have to start with is an easy one. "who ya got?" who is going to win the whole kit 'n caboodle? did you ever understand why, psychologically, it was easier to complete a maze when you were a kid if you started from the endpoint? yeah, me either. but the same retarded logic can be applied to filling out a ncaa bracket too. if you are sure of who you think (based on your own, biased, absolutely arbitrary criteria) the best team in the land is, you can start with them and work your way backwards. that's six games you don't even have to think about! what a prize!!! the rest of the pieces really, then, become to feel insignificant. because you know how your adventure is going to end, the journey there isn't nearly as overwhelming. so, "who ya got?"
what do you mean, "i don't know?"
i will be honest. i am in the same boat. "everyone's" preseason favorite, north carolina, is wildly overrated without their point guard, ty lawson, and they are still mildly overrated with him. they will not win this year. i promise you. sorry, amy. that means you aren't going to win our pool before we even start. it's sad. it's also true.
to make matters worse, espn smashed me in the face with this incredible and intimidating stat yesterday morning. not since 1968 (1968!!!) has a team lost their first game of their conference tournament and then gone on to win the ncaa's. what??? really??? they followed that up by reminding us that history, then, has already ruled out uconn, oklahoma, pitt and last year's champs, kansas. son of a bitch. out of those four, i could have legitimately seen myself picking two of them to cut down the nets. not now. not this year. what? you're going to mess with forty years worth of failure and think that your picking this or this or this or that team can break the streak? fine. you aren't going to win your pool either.
so, what now? and why so much emphasis on who wins the whole thing? don't the other 62 games matter?
not usually. i don't have the scientific data to back this up, but i can tell you from my own ten-plus years of experience with filling out brackets that i have never (never!!!) been in a pool that had been wrapped up before the three final four games were played. and usually, unless the top two or three teams in your pool all have picked the same champ, the final will be the deciding factor in who does or doesn't take away your money and/or bragging rights. having the champ right is that important. it seems easy, sure. out of the 64 teams that make the dance, there are only ever between 6 and 10 teams that have a legitimate shot of winning the last six games of their season. some years, the number is closer to between 2 and 4.
oh yeah. not to fry your brain, but this year is the exception to that rule too. i would not be surprised at all if a crazy hot 4 or 5 seed, think maybe a syracuse that is already dripping with momentum, or an arizona state, who will always have the most nba ready player on the floor no matter who they are matching up with. it probably won't happen. but this year? it could. i'm just saying.
"so, who ya got?"
don't be so impatient. that's coming. i do want to tell you that you are all cordially invited to play in our annual "friends of HUMC" pool. i'll post the link here later tonight after i've created it. no money is necessary. just thick skin, not a terribly high amount of pride nor false hopes of actually winning. who do i have? OKLA-FREAKING-HOMA!
but, you said history had already ruled them out?
fuck history. i've got nothing for it. those that dwell on history are doomed to repeat it. that's how the saying goes, right?
right?
...
whatever. best player in the country. best freshman in the country. weird looking brother. weirder looking mom. sounds like a recipe for success if you ask me. go sooners!
good luck with your bracket. come play with us!
just remember, nobody knows anything.
except me.
(update: here is the link. feel free to pass it on. the group name is "Friends of HUMC". password is "huffman". have fun!)
it's selection sunday. can you feel the excitement? no? then that means one of two things. one, you already can feel that this is a sports post and you've tuned me out. or two, you are like me, an alabama fan. the basketball team sent you swirling down the toilet bowl of apathy long ago and you've rarely even realized that college basketball is being played. i get it. i am with you.
but you don't have to be a college basketball fan to fill out a bracket. hell, you don't even have to like sports. you just do it because everyone in your office is doing it. you'll watch a little espn tonight or check out the team capsules online sometime tomorrow so you, too, can become an "expert" like the rest of us, and dammit, you are ready to roll!
so, the question that you have to start with is an easy one. "who ya got?" who is going to win the whole kit 'n caboodle? did you ever understand why, psychologically, it was easier to complete a maze when you were a kid if you started from the endpoint? yeah, me either. but the same retarded logic can be applied to filling out a ncaa bracket too. if you are sure of who you think (based on your own, biased, absolutely arbitrary criteria) the best team in the land is, you can start with them and work your way backwards. that's six games you don't even have to think about! what a prize!!! the rest of the pieces really, then, become to feel insignificant. because you know how your adventure is going to end, the journey there isn't nearly as overwhelming. so, "who ya got?"
what do you mean, "i don't know?"
i will be honest. i am in the same boat. "everyone's" preseason favorite, north carolina, is wildly overrated without their point guard, ty lawson, and they are still mildly overrated with him. they will not win this year. i promise you. sorry, amy. that means you aren't going to win our pool before we even start. it's sad. it's also true.
to make matters worse, espn smashed me in the face with this incredible and intimidating stat yesterday morning. not since 1968 (1968!!!) has a team lost their first game of their conference tournament and then gone on to win the ncaa's. what??? really??? they followed that up by reminding us that history, then, has already ruled out uconn, oklahoma, pitt and last year's champs, kansas. son of a bitch. out of those four, i could have legitimately seen myself picking two of them to cut down the nets. not now. not this year. what? you're going to mess with forty years worth of failure and think that your picking this or this or this or that team can break the streak? fine. you aren't going to win your pool either.
so, what now? and why so much emphasis on who wins the whole thing? don't the other 62 games matter?
not usually. i don't have the scientific data to back this up, but i can tell you from my own ten-plus years of experience with filling out brackets that i have never (never!!!) been in a pool that had been wrapped up before the three final four games were played. and usually, unless the top two or three teams in your pool all have picked the same champ, the final will be the deciding factor in who does or doesn't take away your money and/or bragging rights. having the champ right is that important. it seems easy, sure. out of the 64 teams that make the dance, there are only ever between 6 and 10 teams that have a legitimate shot of winning the last six games of their season. some years, the number is closer to between 2 and 4.
oh yeah. not to fry your brain, but this year is the exception to that rule too. i would not be surprised at all if a crazy hot 4 or 5 seed, think maybe a syracuse that is already dripping with momentum, or an arizona state, who will always have the most nba ready player on the floor no matter who they are matching up with. it probably won't happen. but this year? it could. i'm just saying.
"so, who ya got?"
don't be so impatient. that's coming. i do want to tell you that you are all cordially invited to play in our annual "friends of HUMC" pool. i'll post the link here later tonight after i've created it. no money is necessary. just thick skin, not a terribly high amount of pride nor false hopes of actually winning. who do i have? OKLA-FREAKING-HOMA!
but, you said history had already ruled them out?
fuck history. i've got nothing for it. those that dwell on history are doomed to repeat it. that's how the saying goes, right?
right?
...
whatever. best player in the country. best freshman in the country. weird looking brother. weirder looking mom. sounds like a recipe for success if you ask me. go sooners!
good luck with your bracket. come play with us!
just remember, nobody knows anything.
except me.
(update: here is the link. feel free to pass it on. the group name is "Friends of HUMC". password is "huffman". have fun!)
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
two months in
we'll take a break from the "hannah and caroline and me" theme today and touch base on the church. it's been a while, not for a lack of things going on necessarily, but more for my own wait and see approach to the new year.
new committees are just now taking shape. persons rotate off at the end of every year while new personalities are helping to shift the direction of how each and every one of our committees choose to do their business. for those bodies that have seen changes in chairperson, it will probably take another couple of months and meetings for them to fully grasp what it is that they want to accomplish. things move slowly in a church. or they can. patience is not my greatest asset.
i will say this. being way more plugged in since the turn of the new year has given me a brighter perspective on where the church stands and is. i am sharing tables with people that all care for our huffman united methodist church. the depth to which they care is not really for me to judge. all are voicing their opinion and their perspective in their own ways. while most of the committees i serve have only met once, it would be unfair for me to draw incomplete conclusions just yet. all, individually, will hope to serve a greater purpose, whatever that ends up being.
what will that end up being?
change is afoot. you can feel it. there is a nervous energy (or, maybe it's just me) in all of the meetings i've participated in. the church, herself, is becoming more and more aware of how dire the financial situation is. as more information, bits and pieces at a time, is published for all to see, it will begin to sink in that significant changes will have to be made, across the board, in a unified effort to cut costs and responsibly distribute our resources in ways that we've never (and by never, i mean the last fifteen years) really paid much attention to. ministries will have to be cut, not in spite of the ministries themselves or the massive good they have done in the past, but because our available income and manpower will have to be reallocated to fewer and more focused ministries. we are not strong enough in our current situation that it is good enough to be able to see our fellow members separated, each, by 100 yards across the valley. we must now be close enough to holds hands. sure, our reach will not be as wide, but we will still have reach. we still have many hands.
it's a fascinating time, really, but, admittedly, also a stressful one. people are torn between the memories of our past and how we have "always" operated and the reality of where we are now. young people are torn between wanting the inherent perks of larger and more healthy congregations and the want to remain in some semblance of the church they have called home for years. others, not necessarily just our young people, are falling out of like with the idea of church on the whole, or at least the way our church has perpetuated that idea. others are tired. they don't want to talk anymore. "talking never changes anything." true, but only if you aren't having honest conversation. empty, mindless, pleasantry-filled talk never changes anything. you are right about that.
so, where are we?
stuck somewhere between hopeful and honest, not a bad place to be, but not the end of the journey either. i will admit, i am there too. i am happy to feel as if i've been a rational and honest voice thus far in my meetings this year. when i get home, though, i wish i didn't have to think quite so hard about it. it was much easier when things just "happened". it's funny. i do feel, at times, that there are some that think i am adversarial for the sheer sake of being difficult. that i think my ideas are the only ideas worth listening to. a pretty silly notion, but i do have to be aware that's it's there. who am i, anyway, that thinks that i can be a part of the solution to this problem that we have yet to fully nail down?
well, i guess i am whomever you want me to be as long at it helps you sleep better at night. dedicated and determined thorn in the side of emotion or rascally, relatively young whippersnapper full of cuss words and vinegar. it doesn't matter to me.
i'll hold hands with you either way.
two months in, we've still got a long way to go. we'll get more specific sooner rather than later.
we'll take a break from the "hannah and caroline and me" theme today and touch base on the church. it's been a while, not for a lack of things going on necessarily, but more for my own wait and see approach to the new year.
new committees are just now taking shape. persons rotate off at the end of every year while new personalities are helping to shift the direction of how each and every one of our committees choose to do their business. for those bodies that have seen changes in chairperson, it will probably take another couple of months and meetings for them to fully grasp what it is that they want to accomplish. things move slowly in a church. or they can. patience is not my greatest asset.
i will say this. being way more plugged in since the turn of the new year has given me a brighter perspective on where the church stands and is. i am sharing tables with people that all care for our huffman united methodist church. the depth to which they care is not really for me to judge. all are voicing their opinion and their perspective in their own ways. while most of the committees i serve have only met once, it would be unfair for me to draw incomplete conclusions just yet. all, individually, will hope to serve a greater purpose, whatever that ends up being.
what will that end up being?
change is afoot. you can feel it. there is a nervous energy (or, maybe it's just me) in all of the meetings i've participated in. the church, herself, is becoming more and more aware of how dire the financial situation is. as more information, bits and pieces at a time, is published for all to see, it will begin to sink in that significant changes will have to be made, across the board, in a unified effort to cut costs and responsibly distribute our resources in ways that we've never (and by never, i mean the last fifteen years) really paid much attention to. ministries will have to be cut, not in spite of the ministries themselves or the massive good they have done in the past, but because our available income and manpower will have to be reallocated to fewer and more focused ministries. we are not strong enough in our current situation that it is good enough to be able to see our fellow members separated, each, by 100 yards across the valley. we must now be close enough to holds hands. sure, our reach will not be as wide, but we will still have reach. we still have many hands.
it's a fascinating time, really, but, admittedly, also a stressful one. people are torn between the memories of our past and how we have "always" operated and the reality of where we are now. young people are torn between wanting the inherent perks of larger and more healthy congregations and the want to remain in some semblance of the church they have called home for years. others, not necessarily just our young people, are falling out of like with the idea of church on the whole, or at least the way our church has perpetuated that idea. others are tired. they don't want to talk anymore. "talking never changes anything." true, but only if you aren't having honest conversation. empty, mindless, pleasantry-filled talk never changes anything. you are right about that.
so, where are we?
stuck somewhere between hopeful and honest, not a bad place to be, but not the end of the journey either. i will admit, i am there too. i am happy to feel as if i've been a rational and honest voice thus far in my meetings this year. when i get home, though, i wish i didn't have to think quite so hard about it. it was much easier when things just "happened". it's funny. i do feel, at times, that there are some that think i am adversarial for the sheer sake of being difficult. that i think my ideas are the only ideas worth listening to. a pretty silly notion, but i do have to be aware that's it's there. who am i, anyway, that thinks that i can be a part of the solution to this problem that we have yet to fully nail down?
well, i guess i am whomever you want me to be as long at it helps you sleep better at night. dedicated and determined thorn in the side of emotion or rascally, relatively young whippersnapper full of cuss words and vinegar. it doesn't matter to me.
i'll hold hands with you either way.
two months in, we've still got a long way to go. we'll get more specific sooner rather than later.
Saturday, March 07, 2009
hannah and caroline and me
(part twenty-five)
has it really been almost three years?
son of a gun. i guess it has. funny. looking back on that post from april of 2006, i mourned that there was no flag football at east lake park like there was when i was a kid. i wasn't sure when that had come to an end, but i was certain that i would never see it again. today, we went back to see the ducks. this time, caroline making her first visit to the small lake that i spent many a summer morning along it's banks trying to fish with my brother and mom's dad. i didn't catch many fish. i hated fishing. but i fished and touched worms and nicked myself with fishing hooks anyway. there were life-lessons to be found amongst the blood and the squirmy fish bait. i didn't know it then. hell, i am not sure what the lessons were even now. but i was there. and there was always flag football. this morning, when we pulled up into the parking lot, what did we see? at least four different flag football teams stretching it out and getting ready to share the east lake football field. how about that? what's old was new again. either that, or i just came on the wrong day in 2006.
huffman, roebuck, east lake...what a disaster those areas are now as compared to when i was a kid. everything seems so run down and out of date. east lake park, itself, is a shell of it's former self. the community building around the pool that is now the shepherd center looks like a bomb shelter from the outside. the pool beside it has not been cleaned out in years. the track around the park is in three years worse shape than the last time we visited. still no open concession stand. there is still people-traffic in and around the park, but, for the first day of 2009 that felt like spring, it felt deserted. after we finished at the park, we took a right to find sarah's first alabama house. tucked right next to east lake united methodist, i imagined our car as ricky baker from boyz N the hood rolling in slow motion down a dead end alley. i felt uncomfortable and unwanted by every pair of eyes that i made eye contact with. i'll tell myself that i was just being paranoid. i am smart enough to know better, though.
as we headed back towards huffman, we detoured past my grandparent's old house next to don hawkins park. damn, i could have sworn that house was bigger. the yard definitely had to be bigger. oh, the adventures i had in that backyard. swinging on and off of the poles that held up the laundry lines. hiding so that the enemy could not find me behind the shed. it was a world unto it's own. and today i saw that it was about 100 square yards. oh well.
we got into huffman and back on the parkway. once we passed wal-mart, i tried to notice how many retail buildings were left vacant or had transformed themselves into something skeevy or exploitative. i would put the conservative figure at 30 percent. it was probably higher, though.
starbucks closed yesterday. another one down, joseph. another one down. not that it was an institution from my youth, but it was a company sticking their neck out into a community that is becoming a parody of itself. maybe they should have known better. maybe their vetting process was flawed. whatever the case, i hear mcdonald's cafe is excellent.
we headed on towards cici's down center point parkway. funeral with hip-hop hearse outside of the worship center. does a hearse really need rims? someone passed from this world and i bet a bunch of people are sad about it. all i can focus on is the rims on the hearse. closed business here. decaying homequarter's warehouse there. terrific looking sign drawing attention to the 85 percent empty strip mall that used to contain the old wal-mart. great looking sign, though. empty guthries. leveled bama six movie theatre.
we ate at cici's. too bad walker's wasn't open for business yet. headed back towards the library. drove past a really nice new park on polly reed road. i hear it was funded by housing and urban development. i don't mind my tax dollars going for something like that. i wonder why my tax dollars can't be poured back into my community.
why is everything closing? why is everything so old?
is this really a ghetto? is it going to be? what is a ghetto, really?
brian mccann just hit a home run for the usa...
"portion of a city in which members of a minority group live especially because of social, legal, or economic pressure."
that sounds about right. east lake is there now. you don't choose to move into a ghetto. nobody chooses to move into east lake these days.
huffman, at least the outer edges, isn't there yet, but it could be in five years. nah. between five and ten.
center point, at least the outer edges close to pinson and chalkville, has ten to fifteen years left unless something changes.
and unless something changes, we won't be bothering to make trips down memory lane through my and sarah's old neighborhoods because someone will have burned them to the ground.
usa just left the bases loaded in the seventh...
why is my church dying? because people are getting out while the getting is good. "we tried." "we did everything we could." "we knocked on doors." "they just wouldn't come."
they just wouldn't come.
it's all their fault.
when i was a kid, the ducks at east lake park didn't recognize plastic bags that contained bread. if you wanted to incorporate feeding the ducks into your east lake park experience, you went to the ducks. three years ago, the ducks didn't recognize the bags either.
today, at least one of them did. at least one of those ducks recognized the bag and told his friends. ducks were knocking down the baby, baby girl to get to that bread. nipping at our pants, hissing at us like it might be their last meal for days, even the ducks are pissed.
they can see the writing on the wall. probably see it better than we can.
no one chooses to move to the ghetto.
(part twenty-five)
has it really been almost three years?
son of a gun. i guess it has. funny. looking back on that post from april of 2006, i mourned that there was no flag football at east lake park like there was when i was a kid. i wasn't sure when that had come to an end, but i was certain that i would never see it again. today, we went back to see the ducks. this time, caroline making her first visit to the small lake that i spent many a summer morning along it's banks trying to fish with my brother and mom's dad. i didn't catch many fish. i hated fishing. but i fished and touched worms and nicked myself with fishing hooks anyway. there were life-lessons to be found amongst the blood and the squirmy fish bait. i didn't know it then. hell, i am not sure what the lessons were even now. but i was there. and there was always flag football. this morning, when we pulled up into the parking lot, what did we see? at least four different flag football teams stretching it out and getting ready to share the east lake football field. how about that? what's old was new again. either that, or i just came on the wrong day in 2006.
huffman, roebuck, east lake...what a disaster those areas are now as compared to when i was a kid. everything seems so run down and out of date. east lake park, itself, is a shell of it's former self. the community building around the pool that is now the shepherd center looks like a bomb shelter from the outside. the pool beside it has not been cleaned out in years. the track around the park is in three years worse shape than the last time we visited. still no open concession stand. there is still people-traffic in and around the park, but, for the first day of 2009 that felt like spring, it felt deserted. after we finished at the park, we took a right to find sarah's first alabama house. tucked right next to east lake united methodist, i imagined our car as ricky baker from boyz N the hood rolling in slow motion down a dead end alley. i felt uncomfortable and unwanted by every pair of eyes that i made eye contact with. i'll tell myself that i was just being paranoid. i am smart enough to know better, though.
as we headed back towards huffman, we detoured past my grandparent's old house next to don hawkins park. damn, i could have sworn that house was bigger. the yard definitely had to be bigger. oh, the adventures i had in that backyard. swinging on and off of the poles that held up the laundry lines. hiding so that the enemy could not find me behind the shed. it was a world unto it's own. and today i saw that it was about 100 square yards. oh well.
we got into huffman and back on the parkway. once we passed wal-mart, i tried to notice how many retail buildings were left vacant or had transformed themselves into something skeevy or exploitative. i would put the conservative figure at 30 percent. it was probably higher, though.
starbucks closed yesterday. another one down, joseph. another one down. not that it was an institution from my youth, but it was a company sticking their neck out into a community that is becoming a parody of itself. maybe they should have known better. maybe their vetting process was flawed. whatever the case, i hear mcdonald's cafe is excellent.
we headed on towards cici's down center point parkway. funeral with hip-hop hearse outside of the worship center. does a hearse really need rims? someone passed from this world and i bet a bunch of people are sad about it. all i can focus on is the rims on the hearse. closed business here. decaying homequarter's warehouse there. terrific looking sign drawing attention to the 85 percent empty strip mall that used to contain the old wal-mart. great looking sign, though. empty guthries. leveled bama six movie theatre.
we ate at cici's. too bad walker's wasn't open for business yet. headed back towards the library. drove past a really nice new park on polly reed road. i hear it was funded by housing and urban development. i don't mind my tax dollars going for something like that. i wonder why my tax dollars can't be poured back into my community.
why is everything closing? why is everything so old?
is this really a ghetto? is it going to be? what is a ghetto, really?
brian mccann just hit a home run for the usa...
"portion of a city in which members of a minority group live especially because of social, legal, or economic pressure."
that sounds about right. east lake is there now. you don't choose to move into a ghetto. nobody chooses to move into east lake these days.
huffman, at least the outer edges, isn't there yet, but it could be in five years. nah. between five and ten.
center point, at least the outer edges close to pinson and chalkville, has ten to fifteen years left unless something changes.
and unless something changes, we won't be bothering to make trips down memory lane through my and sarah's old neighborhoods because someone will have burned them to the ground.
usa just left the bases loaded in the seventh...
why is my church dying? because people are getting out while the getting is good. "we tried." "we did everything we could." "we knocked on doors." "they just wouldn't come."
they just wouldn't come.
it's all their fault.
when i was a kid, the ducks at east lake park didn't recognize plastic bags that contained bread. if you wanted to incorporate feeding the ducks into your east lake park experience, you went to the ducks. three years ago, the ducks didn't recognize the bags either.
today, at least one of them did. at least one of those ducks recognized the bag and told his friends. ducks were knocking down the baby, baby girl to get to that bread. nipping at our pants, hissing at us like it might be their last meal for days, even the ducks are pissed.
they can see the writing on the wall. probably see it better than we can.
no one chooses to move to the ghetto.
Sunday, March 01, 2009
hannah and caroline and me
(part twenty-four)
nothing quippy or smart-ass to say about these couple of pictures.
for someone my age, this morning couldn't help but conjure up memories and images from the winter storm of '92. the one that even the weatherpersons couldn't not see it coming. the one where brian woods and i intentionally packed our bags for several days in the hopes that we would be trapped at charles pate's house. the one where our wishes came true. the one where we never got sick of the snow. we played, trekked, tortured charles' sister and never realized it was really cold inside the house with no power because it was always a lot more warm than it was outside. every time there is a hint of snow, i think back to those three wonderful days. i think about charles and brian and wonder if they remember it as fondly as i do.
for as little as i pay attention to the weather nowadays, this morning kind of snuck up on me. folks at the store were talking about it friday, but, at the time, there were severe thunderstorms everywhere and it was 65 degrees outside. i didn't think much of it.
waking up this morning to the glare that can only be caused by snow accumulated on the ground, hannah and caroline found their first "winter storm of '92" experience. we didn't spend a ton of time outside this morning, mostly because i am about as ill-equipped, clothes-wise, for winter weather as they come and i was freezing from the moment we opened the door. but, we endured long enough for hannah to run around, get a feel for it all, throw some snow at her parents and make a few snow angels. caroline did what caroline does...stay out of hannah's way, but she had some fun too.
i'll take this morning over baby-girls barfighting every day of the week and twice on snowy sundays.
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