the end of the world
(part three)
(("tertium non datur"))
(((hannah and caroline and me the sun)))
((((part one))))
(((((because, naturally, i had it wrong all along)))))


"we all seek meaning in our lives. but when every shadow of doubt is denied, the sanctification of hatred thrives."

so, let me get this straight. the take home message you would like us to consider is this. varying opinions on matters of faith and religious tendencies and/or practices (since it is these and not personal views on alabama football, daughters, punk music and ak-47's that seem to have caused the most commotion), specifically those practices in one huffman united methodist church (and hopewell baptist), are good. encouraged even. the qualifier, though, is that those opinions may not turn a subjective eye to the person or thing in question if one or more persons privy to the "negative" opinion deem it unjust in it's delivery, forum or fundamental idea. does that cover it?

cool. that seems rational.

and grown up.

perhaps this is why most churches are shrinking. perhaps not.

it's a fascinating discussion/argument/discussion to have, is it not? why is the "church" failing? why aren't "young people" interested in "church" anymore? what are "we" doing wrong? why can't we attract new visitors? what is it about "us" that has changed? why don't things feel the same anymore? why, again, can't we play loud music in this big, empty gym? what doesn't feed you now that used to feed you when you had that warm and fuzzy feeling about church back in the day? the answers to all of these and, of course, thousands more rhetorical questions make up the fantastical elements that would get to the bottom of, once and for all, the question on every person's mind that is currently invested in a congregation that is not nearly as big as "we used to be".

and, why again, is the question so fascinating? easy, silly. because we can all participate in it. we all have the shared experience and time served in this place or another that what we think should matter to the greater whole. not all of us know what the crap is going on with the economy. we don't really pay attention to politics on the whole.

what's wrong with the environment? my yard looks great.

i swear to christ, if he says one more thing about freaking julio jones, i am never going to read his idiotic blog again...

...unless something happens at the church and i think i am going to disagree with him.

it's not sports or larry langford or "when am i going to see some extra cash on my check?" that is the tie that binds us together in a church. i would argue that the tie isn't even jesus. jesus is the tie that binds christians together with other "church" members, but on a local level, in one, single congregation, i would argue it's what that church means to us. and "why" it means that to us. and "how" we show our appreciation to it's benefit to our lives and why we don't want it to fade into a memory.

i've always felt kind of sorry for folks and family and friends that move around a lot and haven't had a chance to plug into a church for years on top of years and experience the ebbs and the flows. i feel like something is lost if you can't grasp the full-blown context of what it took for that church or for that pastor to make it to that service. of course, there is just as much to be gained from hopping around every few years or more, often due to a move or just a personal choice. "the grass is greener..." cliche will never fit more perfectly than when directed at a church. if you don't allow yourself to get deep enough into the forest, one can fool themselves into this place or that place not falling victim to the same high school drama that inevitably prevails at each and every house of worship.

and unfortunately, just like high school, churches are more likely to be drawn towards a prevailing sense of order than just about any other organization i've been a part of. businesses are defined from the top down. if you have a problem, there is a chain of command to follow. you may not like the chain and may feel like "the man" is working against you, but with most occupations, common sense should tell you that you are entering an environment where there is a boss, and there is a 99.9 percent chance that you are not it.

churches, in theory, are designed to be different. there is no boss, per se, but a group of members, an amalgamation of however many different persons and personalities, each of which understands there is a role to be played in the greater "body". each also understands that the role, by definition, is up for discussion. you get to have a say.

you mean, just because i am a loan officer, i can sing in the choir and work with the youth???

abso-freaking-lutely. every person will inherit or define a role. even the senior pastor, again in theory, is playing his or her own role. they are to be the spiritual guide or director of the church. not the ceo. this shouldn't be as hard a concept to grasp as we make it. or then again, maybe it should.

all churches are made up of people that live their lives in some sort of business model. there is a boss. there are the workers. there is either productivity or consequences for the lack thereof. happening into a church should be freeing, but more often that freedom turns into anxiety if not full-blown fear. people have grown comfortable with the limitations of their every day life. they have fallen enough in like with the idea of someone telling them what to do that it doesn't make enough logical sense to allow them to tangibly let the construct that we normally inhabit go, if only for an hour or two a week.

what?

no order?

we need order!

what do you mean "god" is our order?

i can't freaking see god!

i need a boss. who's the boss?

hey. who's that in the corner preparing for his sermon?

yeah, him. the pastor guy.

let's do what he says. he carries his bible with him all the time. he can be the boss. we'll follow him. he can be perfect. what he says will go. and if someone says otherwise? whyioughtta...i'll give them a piece of my mind.

or something like that happens. you get the idea. but we fall victim to the necessary sense of prevailing order. we end up choosing sides because there can only be one king or queen of the watercooler and we pick apart at each other until the opposition decides that the grass "has got!!!" to be greener on the other side. because this place sucks.

no wonder people on the outside make fun of us. no wonder propagandhi wouldn't be caught dead in a church. the same dread and monotony that we live every day of our lives, we can't let go. we can't get past ourselves long enough to work for a common good except on special occasions. the unhealthy structure of our routine is brought into our church family. only, we aren't allowed to talk about it. in the methodist church, we place everything we have into the hands of a complete stranger every so many years and if they let us down, it can cause us to lose faith in the entire system. that's pretty heavy. that's a lot of pressure. that's worth being paid for.

see. i told you. he gets paid to be here. he's the boss.

and so it begins. the back and forth. the tit and the tat. the stifling or poo-pooing of some opinion that for some reason you disagree with. the utter disregard that the person across the table from you that you are shooting spitballs in the direction of is just searching for a role in the greater "body". and yet, you would begrudge them that. because we don't agree with them. let them go somewhere else because we are tired of dealing with their shit. we can't involve them in our conversation because it's too much work to exclude them.

what works for me may not work for you. what seems and feels right to me may not feel right to you.

that's the beauty of this thing that we are doing, right? we all have our perfect worship service in our head. in mine, personnel decisions do not play a role. so, sue me.

this is me calling a spade a spade, seeing flaws in what i perceive to be a broken machine. this is me having every intention and want to be a part of the solution. but be warned, friends.

that solution that we all want and pine for is about as far from black and white as one could possibly imagine. if i thought looking in the mirror and calling out my flaws...

hey. looking in the mirror and calling out your flaws. is that kind of like posting something on your own blog and then reading it over and over again? nah. it's probably not the same. talking to yourself in the mirror makes way more sense.

...would solve huffman's ills, you better believe i'd look past my crooked teeth to do it.

so far, it's not working. so, i guess i'll keep listening to other options.

this song pisses me off so. and i love it. it pisses me off because the message is spot on. and i couldn't agree more.

and i want my church to be better than that.