hannah and caroline and me
(part twenty-eight)
((she did what?))


i told joseph as i was leaving lunch that part of my afternoon plans were to torture myself and watch the braves game. so far, not too much torture. they're up 4-0 and chipper's hit a home run.

what about schafer?

he still sucks. 0-2 with a(nother) strikeout so far. which means, even with a 4 run lead, i hate that i am watching this godforsaken game.

so, anyway, back to the blog.

this just in. hannah fishes.

she does what?

hannah fishes. and, if her story is correct, she is pretty good at it. last night as i was traveling back home from work, she debriefed me on her saturday in kentucky and she told me that she caught five "big" fish. i've yet to talk with mommy to confirm the story, but i can't think of a real good reason for her to have been lying. i could totally see her telling me that she had a good time even if she didn't. she's kind of wired now to answer every question we pose to her that starts with "how was your..." or "how did you like..." with "good." that being the case, i never really know if she actually had a good day at school or if she spent the entire day dreading telling mommy and daddy that she was sent to time out. she's manipulative that way. too bad for her that she also is branded with a seriously heavy and guilt-laden conscience. eventually, the truth will come out. it may be three days later in the middle of the night, but it will come out. and so, this time next week, she may tell me that she caught zero fish and hated every minute of it. i kind of doubt that, though.

the whole fishing thing is only further proof that hannah marie o'kelley is likely not my daughter. she dances. i make fun of people who dance (mostly because i can't dance). she tumbles. i can barely do a somersault without breaking something (even if i'm in the yard or a gym). she roared through her 4k graduation and ballet recital but couldn't handle even the first song during her church choir performance the same week (i was the king of the joyful noise children's choir for years. i did solos, baby!). she rubs the fact that she likes bratz dolls all up in my face (i am pretty sure those bratz characters represent every single thing that is wrong with this world). and now she fishes???

listen, i've made it clear that one of my most vivid and favorite memories as a kid was traipsing to east lake park with my granddad and brother. and most of those days, we fished. or they fished. i kind of sat on the side of the lake and threw rocks in, more than likely ruining any chance my granddad or brother had at luring a fish anywhere close to us. i am telling you, dude. fishing sucks. what is the point? you put a worm on a hook (gross). throw a line out in the water. feel better about yourself for tricking this fish that all he is is hungry into swallowing this worm that just so happens to be attached to this hook. the little bob thingy dips under the water, tipping you off to the action. you jerk as hard as you can, ripping that hook the fish just swallowed back up his food pipe and through one of his gills and then you drag the fish that just crapped his pants if he were wearing pants back towards you and away from wherever the hell this fish thinks he wants to go. you pull the fish out of the water. he begins to suffocate. and then the most generous of us toss the fish back in the water just before he can't breathe his last breath and start the routine over. i can't remember how young i was when the above scenario began to terrify me. i remember talking about it with my grandfather. usually over a catfish dinner.

what??? whatareyougonnado? catfish is awesome!

so, hannah's a fisherwoman now? add this to the list of things we don't have in common i guess.

thank goodness for caroline. she looks like me (i'm so sorry, caroline). she smiles like me. she loves to eat like me. and she's got a temper like me. she's like a baby, baby girl manifestation of every bit of angst that i hold inside of me. it is diabolical. and perfect.

thank goodness for the thought of her growing a little older and wanting to throw things and kick things or run or run over people. because, let's face it, i don't think my big girl has it in her.

so, where does this leave us, me and hannah?

well, in a comfortable place really. she's going to be that girl that does everything with or like her mom. she's going to shop. she's going to have a cell phone when she's six. she is going to chew bubblegum with her mouth open. and she is going to be smarter than everyone in the room. she's going to get along fine without me most of the time, and i can deal with that as long as i have one of the girls to do my bidding. when she's sick or when she needs to be carried or when she needs me to lift something, i'll be there for her. if she needs me to kick somebody's ass or threaten a boy, count me in. if she needs me to override mommy's first opinion that says she can't have dessert, check. i won't be living vicariously through her. i can just be her enforcer. her defender. her advisor. and her friend. for in spite of all of our differences, she will always have me around her finger. and she'll always be my baby girl.

she's just going to have find someone else to take her fishing.

update: braves are now up 9-0. medlen looks great. anderson finally hit a home run and i think i saw him smile. schafer's now 0-3, 2 k's. thus, i am not enjoying the game.

hannah and caroline and me
(part twenty-seven)
((the seven year which))


i had to the pleasure of watching most of the season 5 premiere of jon and kate plus eight last night. much to my surprise, it seems the turnaround from the actual filming of the massive family to airdate is pretty quick. and so, the viewer was given just enough shots of "ooh, look. they aren't talking to each other." and "oh, snap. she didn't even look in his direction." to satisfy the rubbernecking quotient for the night.

i had never watched the show in full before. i don't know all the kids' names. but, since the sextuplets are all just a little younger than hannah, it was easy enough to watch them enjoy their birthday party and i could judge them as being way less cool and way less smart than my big girl.

it wasn't until way late in the show, though, that jon dropped this knowledge on me that i have dwelled on for about twelve hours.

jon: "my mom always told me that life was about choices. and it is."

christ. he's right. life is about choices. and if i am reading all the edits and the soundbites from his show correctly, he is about to have to make a big one. whatever that is. i'll have to tune in next week to see if he makes it. a choice that is. i'll let you know what happens. (just to be sure, this will be the last time i ever mention this show again. unless a smoke monster shows up to judge kate's haircut.)

life is about choices. should i stay? should i go? should i return this e-mail in a timely fashion? or should i apologize for not doing so a few days later? paper/plastic? "good" dog food or "better" dog food? help or don't help? long, green socks or short, below the ankle? jeans or jeans? tuck the shirt in or leave it out or mullet-tuck or reverse mullet-tuck? weed-eat or put it off? take spud and "spud jr." to the vet or let nature run it's course? fold these clothes now or later? exercise now or later? eat lunch or try and get along without it? stay up late and watch lincecum beat the braves or go to bed and hope to see they beat him in the morning? walk to the altar to pray or keep working towards my life being an open prayer. keep tearing at the fabric that used to be my church or stay cool until the new guy comes and let the "first 90 days" thing play out? and so on.

in a couple weeks, hannah will be a big part of vacation bible school. i am going to take a couple days worth of vacation so i can be there most of the week. i have chosen "yes" to vbs because it's one of the few ways i get to show kids that god loves them. i choose "yes" to vbs because vbs 2009 should be every bit as good as vbs 1985 and, by participating, i can make sure that my part is. vbs isn't a mission opportunity. it's a lifestyle. it's a week-long prayer. it's a months-long prayer, if you count the thought and the energy and time it takes to get ready for the week. it's one of the more perfect metaphors that a congregation could and should look to as they prepare themselves for a journey that doesn't end on sunday, but begins there. because let's face it, if your journey is ending on sunday, you are bound to be disappointed.

i've got this picture of me somewhere participating in a humc vbs way back in the day. i am seriously tanned and seriously buck-toothed. you can see part of the costume that we wore that year. i was outside in the the courtyard area, where we had a market and traded stuff and searched for stuff and made stuff and i have this huge smile on my face. i think of that picture every time i start to wonder if vbs is worth my time. and then i think that i'll get to see between 50-75 kids, if not more, each day at vbs. and then i think, if even one kid gets a picture taken that week that he looks back on with as much favor as i do mine, then it was worth my time and my vacation days. if that kid looks back at that 25 year-old picture someday and includes it in his motivation to change his world for the better??? well, damn. i don't know if i'd ever need another compliment for the rest of my life.

life is about choices. today, i choose to encourage you to work vacation bible school. if only for a day. if only for an hour.

it's worth it.

the end of the world
(part five)
((this is your life))


"your not really mad at iran or afghanistan. you're mad at the fact that your wife can't stand you anymore."

"it only ends once. anything that happens before that is just progress." - jacob, lost

in my opinion, the above line of dialogue from the season finale of lost is the single, best line in the history of the show.

most "best"'s become such in our minds because they transcend whatever field, moment, genre, place or time they initially occur. michael jordan is the best basketball player ever only partly due to his history on the basketball court. michael jordan is the best because he transcends not only the sport he played, but sports, themself. to be the best at something, whether it's golf or engineering now might be called the "michael jordan" of this or that.

a simple, yet philosophical line from a tv show not everybody watches will never reach that kind of pop-culture status, but it could very well apply to every walk of life.

marriage. parenting. church. school. career. friendship. love. each idea a constant work in progress. each littered with failure every step of the way.

the temptation is to project. frustrated at home? kick the dog. angry at work? forward mean "your boss sucks" e-mails. hate that the braves suck? yell at your kid. underwhelmed in your worship team meeting? visit a new church.

you're not really mad at iran or afghanistan, are you? do you know anyone there? could you give me the context to the sociological factors that have led our countries to disagree with each other at fundamental levels? maybe you could. but wouldn't you rather focus on which of our homebound members desperately needs their lawn cut?

huffman may be evolving to her natural end, or she may be readying herself for the redemption story of a lifetime. we'll have to see.

what we are living through now is just progress.

progress. such a nice word. makes you feel like what we are experiencing is worth something in the end.

best. line. ever.

good song, too.

malignant apathy
(another case of unrealistic expecations)


"fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me."

i've happened upon some unwanted alone time (thanks for nothing again, sewage problem at the softball fields that won't go away) this evening and the frustration will feel more fresh this evening than it will in the morning, so we'll go ahead and touch on yesterday's meeting and analyze, for the short term, what it all means according to me.

the "game-changer" (spoiler alert) was this. in any and all churches, special monies are given to the church in memory or honor of a person(s) all the time. those monies may be designated to a ministry or ministries in the church that was special to the person being honored or remembered or special to the one bestowing the gift. in addition to this, church members may also designate or earmark their tithes and/or special offerings to ministries or projects within the church that they believe in or feel passionately about rather than tithing directly to the church's general budget. a good example of this would be a church roofing project, such as the one humc undertook several years back. the church needed a new roof. it was asked of the church to offer monies for the project. those offerings were "designated" to a "raise the roof" line item in the budget. when bills came due for the roofing project, they were paid out of this line item. simple enough, right?

there are probably between 25-40 of these designated funds in our church budget. and the shocker yesterday was that if they were all "cashed in" at one time, the church does not currently have enough actual cash (as opposed to that on paper) at it's disposal to honor all of the requests. let that sink in for a second. people have donated funds to places like the children's place, projects like the new welcome center and ministries such as youth and children with the simple and honest trust that the church could use their donation, their money for that place, that project or those ministries when needed. the fact of the matter is that all of these funds will not be asked to be "cashed in" at one time. but the point is that if they were, we couldn't honor the simple and honest trust that people have placed in the church to responsibly handle the donations.

before i go any farther, let me be clear. there has been NO embezzlement or NO malicious mismanagement of these funds. as far as our finance committee can tell, the funds have been used to float the church and pay bills for who knows how long. looking at it from one perspective, one could certainly see and argue that the money was given to the church, so, in trying times such as where we find ourselves, the church should be able to use the money in ways not perfectly symmetrical to the donation's intent. and i get that. i do. there is a part of me that appreciates the wool having been pulled over my eyes. that someone, somewhere made me feel like everything was fine and ok when, really, it wasn't. there is a part of me that values the effort it has taken to make my house of faith not feel like a financial house of cards.

and then there's the part of me that cannot reconcile the feeling of it being wrong. it's the part of me that has been calling for openness and honesty in every small group and committee that i've been a part of since the turn of the new year. the part of me that wishes the church could've been made aware of the problem sooner so that instead of stop-gapping all the time, we could've dynamically changed our direction without feeling like we were giving up. but we weren't made aware sooner. not in the same way the twenty-some-odd people that felt like it was worth their time to come out to the most important meeting the church has had in years (because in a healthy church, the "most important meeting" is always the next one) were made aware yesterday afternoon. and therein lies the problem.

huffman united methodist's world changed yesterday, and nobody not enough were there to hear it. oh, they'll hear about it eventually. through misinformed channels from people with different agendas than the open and honest environment that was cultured in the meeting yesterday afternoon. they'll hear about it and they'll grumble and move to have their own parking lot meetings in their own private idahos.

where were you, anyway? were you busy? are you meeting-ed out? have you already left the church or joined another congregation because sticking around isn't nearly as much fun as stirring the pot was? tell me. tell us. tell someone.

wednesday night, i told one of our members that she needn't worry about having enough hands to help ferry yard sale items across the street. "don't stress out about it.", i told her. people won't just leave after dinner or the studies. we'll get it done together. no problem. i was wrong. a handful chose to stick around because i am sure those that didn't thought the same thing that i did. "they'll have plenty of help. lost is coming on. we need to get home anyway. scary people come out in huffman when it's dark." or something like that. they were wrong too. high-fives to the handful that did stick around. high-fives to the group that stuck around and watched the vast majority of the choir travel down the stairs, past the work left to be done and to their cars because they probably figured "they don't need our help. looks like they are almost done anyway. i need a cherry lime-ade." or something like that.

i am not sure what world we (humc) live in anymore, but i wish we would stop fooling ourselves. it only seems right that if we want to be a part of this church, we have to be aware that we aren't big enough anymore that we are going to accidentally stumble into enough volunteers to make every ministry move the way it's supposed to or used to.

WE CAN'T HAVE CHILDREN'S WORSHIP BECAUSE YOU WON'T VOLUNTEER!

CHILDREN'S PROGRAMS ARE BEING CUT OR CANCELED FOR THE SAME REASON!

this is not me yelling at you.

this is me begging you. if you are interested in us, we need you to be all in. prayers, presence, gifts, service, witness. we need all of it. again, we are not big enough anymore for some of us to do part of it and some of us to do the other. it's on US. the ball is in OUR court. those that are left. or left behind.

WAKE.

THE FREAK.

UP.

please.

you likely were not there sunday afternoon. so, you are going to have to hear through the grapevine. but make no mistake. the game changed sunday afternoon. doing something about it will be challenging. but it could also be very fun...if you let it.

will you?

this is going to hurt you more than it will me
(that's not altogether true)


any good serialized tv show (or blog) worth it's weight in your investment in it will, from time to time, present the viewer (or reader) game-changing events. and by game-changing, i mean they will present you with an image or idea that will turn your perception of the tv show you've been watching on it's proverbial head. if the game-changer is affecting enough, not only will it alter the way you view the show moving forward, but it will also transform the way you've processed your commitment moving backwards.

it's no secret that i am a massive fan of lost. one of the many reasons for this is that the producers constantly ask their audience to evolve with the show through game-changing events but haven't yet, once, compromised their vision or "jumped the shark" to do so. during the final moments of the season three finale, i cannot tell you how incredible it felt to scream to sarah and the screen "it's a future-back!". in non-retarded man language, what that meant was that a show that had built it's mythology and back-stories into character-defining flashbacks had just pulled a 180 and shown the audience a flashforward. it completely altered how one would watch season four and it still remains relevant to this point in the series. most, if not all, of you fans of the show know now that this past wednesday's game-changer just so happened to fall out of the "what lies in the shadow of the statue?" people's big box. as the camera panned onto a familiar character in a familiar (but not quite so) state, we viewers were offered a glimpse of something that could, in fact, take the next 7 months 'til lost returns to process it's ramifications.

life, of course, is no different. we are presented with victory and tragedy constantly, each huge event in our life asking us to evolve and approach our future and our past in different ways.

in my 32- plus years, i have found no more apt and accurate microcosm of life than my church community. but the shame of that experience is that we've had very few game-changers in the last few years. you could argue the reason for the lack of those (game-changers that is) and lack of investment (not coincidentally in my opinion) for days, but we won't start that debate here (today).

today, we will announce that in just a little over an hour, the disciples council at humc will be presented with it's first game-changer in a long time, and i cannot wait to observe and participate in the fallout (if there even is any.)

i'll be back tuesday to talk about the initial reaction and to see if this afternoon changed, at all, the way we'll view our future. at the very least, it will affect the way we see our past.

enjoy the show.

making gravy


making gravy

there are four characters: a director, a cook, a passerby, and a doctor.

the cook stirs an imaginary bowl of gravy.

the passerby walks up and says, "whatcha doin'?"

the cooks says, "making gravy." passerby: "can i try some?" "sure!" passerby sticks a finger in and tastes it.

passerby then begins to choke and stagger and eventually die. the cook runs and grabs a doctor. "doctor, doctor! she just ate some of my gravy and fell over! is she dead!?" the doctor, walks over checks her pulse. picks her arm up and lets it fall, then announces "yes, she is dead." the director yells "CUT!" and proceeds to tell them that the scene was too (blank) and needs to be more (blank). then you just do the whole thing over in different styles.

faster (do it in three seconds)

slower (in slow-motion)

kung-fu style,

cheerleader style... have fun with it!

anyone that can tell me at what event this skit debuted during the kevin o'kelley era at huffman with the original cast (ben, nate, phillip, cookie) wins huge points. i would pay millions of dollars (in installments, of course) to anyone that could produce video.

we talked today at lunch about defining moments during that era. things that i will always look back on as signs that we were moving opposite to the direction which the group was used to moving then forging a new path. the first of these moments was the evolution skit that got "edited". there were many more, but the gravy skit took us over for months on top of months. it was a beautiful thing. preceded by taylor as alex trebek. followed by dance-offs, skin-tights and ham, genies, breaking offertory plates. arise my love. things were fun back then. things were good. things were exactly what they should have been. and that's all we could have asked for, right?

i love laughing like i did at lunch today. good belly laughs. good times.

the day bobby cox broke jordan schafer


it was only four days removed from my own personal lobbying for him to be moved into the leadoff spot. not that it was some revolutionary idea, that being move your fastest, most talented position player into the one hole. the braves organization has been eyeing young jordan schafer as their centerfielder and leadoff hitter of the future for as long as he's been in their system. all of the tools he possessed would make him the most logical current candidate to hold down the job for years to come. consensus thinking was, though, that the first month of his rookie year was too soon to throw him into that type of pressure. and so, his splend-tastic opening night performance came hitting eighth, and he's been there ever since, seasoning himself into life as a major-league hitter. he wasn't driving in a lot of runs and he was striking out too much, but he was also walking a ton. and by a ton, i mean double more than any other guy on the team not named chipper. his on-base percentage was over .400, second on the team only to chipper. he was having the occasional off night, but, all in all, he was making a case to be cast in the role he's been destined for.

i didn't think it would happen so soon, but last saturday afternoon, it did.

what the crap? bobby cox made a lineup move that made sense?

and how did young jordan manage? 2-5, with three strikeouts. he was also tricked by a good pick-off moved and thrown out on the bases. not stellar, no. not at all. plenty of room for improvement. but let's look at the most important statistic in baseball, his on-base percentage. why is it the most important stat? because if you get on base, good things happen. the line-up turns over. runs inevitably must score. it's easy math. in baseball terms, .400 is a magical number. if you go 2-5 every night, you are ted williams, and no one is ted williams. but, for that one night (remember again, his first ever as a leadoff hitter), he was ted williams. a decent debut if you ask me. more than decent. solid.

it feels like there is a "but" coming.

but, it only lasted one day. hitting first that is. for reasons only known to bobby cox, jordan schafer was moved back down to eighth on sunday. batting .400 wasn't good enough for bobby cox. he, for that day, focused too much on the strikeouts and not enough on the positive. and before breaking out of it a little bit yesterday, jordan schafer repaid his manager's lack of confidence by going 0 (zero) for the next four games(!!!) and striking out 12 times in that span. wednesday, the braves won in spite of him striking out four (!!!) times. his confidence was so crushed that whispers of a "sore wrist" started to reemerge. every swing looked awkward and/or forced. he was lost. he was broken. all because bobby cox couldn't outweigh the negatives of the strikeouts in his mind with the hard and heavy fact that his leadoff man did exactly what is expected of every leadoff man. be on base 2 out of every 5 at-bats.

we all do it, focus too much on the negative. let the bad stuff drive our decisions more often than the good. let short term failings dictate our behavior over the promise and potential of long term investment.

i don't like the pastor or this person or that person, so i am going to leave.

and what does that say about how much or how little worth you put into every other person in the church that hasn't pissed you off yet? it says that you don't think the good can, ultimately, outweigh the bad. it's says that you think the grass is greener on the other side, so i am going to go eat over there until it turns brown and then i'll move to another green field. it means that we are terribly shortsighted.

"the farsighted see better things.", says five iron frenzy. indeed, they do.

the farsighted can see that one decision, one bad choice or one conflict does not a context make unless we so choose. the farsighted understand that the stronger testimony is one that has dealt with disharmony yet comes out the other end still singing. the farsighted will always be happier people because goals accomplished are not defined by "how was your day?". they are focused on "what is your legacy?". the greater good. the end result. the 162 game season. shouldn't we allow something to play out in full before we announce the time of death?

we should, but often we don't. and we are left with nothing more than regrets piled on top of regrets. it's a shame.

i bet somewhere around tuesday or wednesday of this week, it hit bobby cox that he made a poor choice when he opted against the positive reinforcement of rewarding a 2-5 day with a return engagement the next game, rather choosing to punish a baserunning gaffe and three strikeouts with more time served at the bottom of the order. i bet he realized his mistake, but he will never come out and say it. saying that you are wrong, that you were shortsighted takes guts. it would be the farsighted thing to do.

i won't hold my breath.

april showers bring may flowers


i've been an active (or aware) part of three (about to be four) pastor transitions at huffman, but this one feels quite a bit different. my first was the most awkward and frustrating. john rutland brought me on staff with the help of my gateway drug and good friend chris perry. i don't know if john and i agreed on everything, but, boy, did i look up to him and respect him. i sat in his office for at least one hour every week as he and i explored what i felt like was some sort of "calling". we played basketball together. i enjoyed his sermons terribly. his company more. when, in one of those office "hours", he told me he was being moved, i didn't really know what to make of it. i had not been on the "inside" long enough to wrap my head around what the conference was attempting to do with the charles lee move, and i hated that i wouldn't have my easy excuse to kick it with john. there wasn't a ton of fanfare to john's exit. he left and i missed him.

the transition away from the charles lee era was a little more, how do you say, affecting. no real reason to relive all the reasons that those two years weren't the best for our congregation. they just weren't.

look at him! he's taking the high road.

it felt like the best thing that could happen for both sides. the pastor was rewarded for his hard work with a promotion. we would receive someone new and interesting that maybe we could rebuild around.

and rebuild we did. or, at least, it felt like it. having the luxury of a few more years hindsight at this point, what humc really did was rally around the idea of not being unhappy for a little bit. rick had tons of good and positive energy. he was quite genuine. it felt like his heart was in the right place. and because of those factors in combination with a congregation that wanted to prove the previous two year's failings weren't all their fault, we actually found a few new members and increased attendance for about twelve months. again, using the hindsight-o-meter, we were overlooking something. we were still overlooking the fact that we had lost our footing in our community. rick did try and do something about that with his kindergarten for hispanics effort and welcoming ruben into the church, but it was rick that was doing everything. the congregation was merely along for the ride. and therein lied the problem. we owned the "dia"mission statement because it sounded decent enough. and it was. decent. but incomplete. incomplete in that it didn't really say anything about "us" as much as it said, yes, we are christians. no more. no less. and we started losing footing again. rick's exit wasn't celebrated as much as it was mourned. humc liked rick. rick liked humc. but he left for greener pastures and we still didn't know who we were any more than when he arrived.

enter chris.

fourth pastor in not enough years to have four pastors. big hopes (for me). big dreams (for chris). no communication. no chance. and we are already preparing for someone else. the last two years have gone by pretty fast with the exception of a couple months last fall. it's been a whirlwind of drama topped off with some fairly unrealistic expectations given the circumstances.

and now we wait.

again.

for what? who knows. it feels like the church has a better sense of wanting to figure out who we are. and that's a huge step. we just haven't decided yet. maybe we should wait for the new guy to settle in before we put anything in ink. maybe we shouldn't. i could argue both cases. but we are working on it. that counts for something, right? and we are, hopefully, willing to put in the legwork that will be required to turn this mother around.

are we?