hannah and caroline and my sick kidney
(part two)
((to the beach))


after the doctor broke the news to me a couple weeks ago tomorrow, we moved to scheduling what would and will be the inevitable. the surgery. he asked me if i had any "big plans" over the next couple of weeks that he would need to take under advisement when finding a good time to remove the kidney with the big mass in it. the only thing i had going on was our family long-weekend to the beach, i told him. he talked to his assistant and came back with the date of july 23rd. i told him that i'd be more than happy to postpone or cancel, altogether, the trip if that enhanced my chances of a full recovery. he appreciated the notion, but told me i would be fine to go and it would probably be good for me and my family to have the trip to take my mind off the procedure and recovery to come.

leaving that thursday, i wasn't sure what i should think about having to wait three weeks to have the surgery. was he just allowing me the vacation because he knew (and i worried) that it would probably be the last vacation i would ever get to take??? thankfully, i've been told otherwise and i've let (most of) that irrational fear go.

a lot has changed inside my head over the last two weeks. i've gone from being a complete and total emotional wreck to almost coming to terms with the idea that i am going to be fine. "fine" will be different than how i might have defined it this time two weeks ago. back then, "fine" definitely would have included having two kidneys. since then, though, i've heard story after story about people living long and healthy lives with one after having the other removed. i've heard stories about people being born with one kidney. and i try and remind myself many times every day that doctors would not allow people to donate kidneys if you couldn't get well enough along without one.

no, missing a kidney will be different than missing my appendix or tonsils. but if my grandmother can do this, i can freaking do this, right? i told that grandmother and my aunt today, when they stopped in the store to say "hey", that 99 percent of my last few days i feel very good about my future and my new "fine". yet, there is still that 1 percent that sneaks in and scares me when i least expect it. i guess that may always be a part of my new "fine". or maybe, some months or years down the road, that may go away too. i hope so. i pray so.

and so, tomorrow we go to the beach, the first time sarah and i have traveled anywhere since our honeymoon for several consecutive days that wasn't with a group from the church or with other family. not that all of those trips weren't incredibly special in their own right, but i think the timing of this trip and the way in which it will be unique will be good for all of us. i really do.

i don't know if i'll promise another update before the surgery. i am sure when i am home and have way too much time on my hands while mending, i'll make up here for all the lost time. as cool as documenting each day leading up to the big event may have seemed last week, not thinking about it quite so much has been cooler.

maybe if my anxiety isn't registering too high next wednesday (while i am at home "preparing" for the surgery), i'll drop a quick note in to wish myself and my girls and my blog well. if not, though, i beg of you for continued good thoughts and good prayers if you have the time. and i thank you for any moment that you have spent with your mind towards my and my family's situation the last couple of weeks. i've told several people over the last few days that i truly believe much of my current peace of mind has arrived via the power of prayer and the miraculous ways that god allows for us to speak to him and one another without ever saying anything out loud.

i am completely floored and flattered that you would share a moment of your time with and for me. thank you.

time to go get a sunburn.