the last lonely night for a while


it's been a while since i took much time to write about my anxiety/paranoia. i can thank alabama football for that. even though there is no coincidence between the color scheme of this blog and its subject matter for 90 percent of the last two month's posts, even i couldn't have predicted how taken i've become with this team that has a chance to complete one of, if not, the most special season in the history of the storied program. mark ingram's win last night secured that potential. an undefeated regular season. a sec title. a butkus winner. a heisman winner. how many first or second team all-americans will they have? four? five??? the chance at knocking off 4 top ten teams if they can take care of business on jan. 7. wouldn't that seal it? that would have to be the most accomplished team ever, right? i'll bow to some of the older readers of this blog to correct me if i am wrong. for this 33 year-old, though, i think 2009 could be the best. ever.

(UPDATE: 12/15/09 - the answer from the sporting news was, in fact, five. ingram, rolando, johnson...first team. cody and javy...second team. kiffin made third team. wow.)

and due to that and the momentum of excitement i've felt over the last month and a half following the epic ending of the tennessee game, i've almost forgotten about that constant feeling that i was going to die any minute. or somewhere close down the road, but i just hadn't been told how close yet.

maybe it's the time factor. i am now almost five full months removed from my surgery. on top of that, i am, what, over ten weeks into a cycle of medication that is helping me to control some of my irrational urges and thoughts. maybe it's the clean brain scan. the clean chest x-ray. the continuing love and support and encouragement from those closest to me that i am, indeed, ok. that i was one of the lucky ones. lucky enough to have found something bad inside of me before it got worse. or too bad. i am trying to believe it. every day i am. and every day i get better at it. please god, tell me i am not fooling myself. please tell me the follow-up scan in about a month is going to give me more reassurance. is this a selfish request? of course it is. i am a selfish bastard most of the time. at least, i feel that way inside.

the girls have been away this weekend, and tonight is my third and last night to sleep in the house by myself. it's been better than the last time sarah was away. those days i didn't sleep much at all. that was before the medicine was fully flowing through my veins. that was then. this is now. now, i am not as scared to go upstairs to bed as much as i plain don't want to. today was a good day, all things considered.

i am starting to put my thoughts together for what, i am sure, will be the most emotional year end post i've put together since this thing started four years ago. confronting that which i've been avoiding the last couple of weeks has been unnerving at times, but also, probably, good for me. i don't know if i am ready to own the idea of being a "survivor" yet, but i am reaching a point where i am not afraid to be alive. that, in and of itself, is a good thing.

i am gonna try and get that done before friday. we'll see if it happens. i'd like to make this bama central come friday when the football team begins preparing for their biggest game in seventeen years. i want to year-end sooner rather than later, so i can be as annoying and single-minded as possible leading up to our national championship game bash.

having said that, i'll try not to forget that christmas is coming. and a big girl birthday. there will be some of that included too.

"to the end, to the end, i'll journey to the end. to the end, to the end, i'll journey to the end. to the eeennnddd, eeeennnnddd. to the end, to the end, i'll journey to the end."