hello, panic. it's been a while.


dateline - eastern urology, july 9 @ 8:10 cst.

there are days in the last sixth months that i think i have started to own the idea that i had cancer. had cancer. past tense. that, on july 23rd of 2009, a malignant, physiological anomaly was removed from my body along with my right kidney. there are days, more of them in the last six months than the previous six, where my state of mind is one of control. whether that control comes due to a function of time removed from last july, lexapro, or a combination of both maintains no real consequence. on those days where i am in control of my mind, i can think an irrational thought, compartmentalize that thought and file it away under "you shall not pass!!!", and i am a functioning member of society. loving, father of two. decent to crappy husband. par to above average director of a locally owned and operated franchise. getting worse by the game softball player. getting better by the day friend. a still-wasting-tens-of-peoples time blogger. a proud member of limbo. an emeritus weed. and so on. not only do i function, but i, believe it or not, can enjoy life. the girls make me laugh. the girls make me yell. the braves bring me joy. bobby cox makes me question his worth as a human being. i love going to work. a customer reminds me that loving going to work is a privilege, not a right. i am happy. i rap along with eminem and then sing along soulfully with the gaslight anthem. in the last six months, i have had many more of these days.

and then there are days like yesterday...

i know my anxiety is racing more than usual because i set my year-out follow up scan last week. i know it. intellectually, i get it. i just can't do anything about it. yesterday, it was all i could do to hold it together.

and nobody knew. that's an improvement.

around lunchtime, i found out that a 32 year-old coworker from the homewood psp prematurely lost her life saturday to causes yet known. before that news, i was already on edge. after, it was a ramped up version of that on-edge story. my senses turned themselves to hyper-aware. i felt dizzy all afternoon 'til i came home and was able to sit down. pains and/or tweaks in my neck, back and lower abdominals that i've been talking away for weeks now all came back at once. her circumstances had nothing to do with my medical history. but her tragedy and my sadness towards it, though, sent me spiraling into deathdreams i had not experienced since before christmas.

to compare or try to tie together my fate with that of meredith would be beyond ridiculous and selfish to a blasphemous fault, and, please believe me, i am not trying to do so. not one bit.

what i saw and heard in my co-worker's passing was an unsolicited reminder of my mortality, and my instinctual reflexes, bent, perverted and re-conditioned through my experience with cancer last summer betrayed me.

i wanted to cry for meredith, but i was too scared too. i wanted to call her employees and tell them i was sorry, but i couldn't shake myself out of the office. i wanted to call the store director at pelham and meredith's old boss to share with him my condolences, but i could only manage a text.

days like yesterday, for me, are fewer now and farther between. what massive work on my state of mind i'd like to believe i've made was deconstructed right before my eyes by horrible news.

i now worry for friday's results with little thought for rationale. i worry for them and see them through selfish and tragedy tinted lenses.

fuck you, cancer and fuck you, circumstances that tore meredith away from her family, her friends, her co-workers and loved ones.

rest in peace, meredith. and godspeed.