now comes the hard part


it's been a year a one half since i took on the responsibility of being the lay leader of humc. there have been good times and so-so times concerning my being in that position during those eighteen months.

let's look at the positive. the atmosphere of the church is as healthy as it's been in years. that, probably, has nothing to do with me and more to do with the change from a dictator to a humble servant in the senior pastor's office. but, it has happened. with less drama to focus on, the church has been able to take somewhat sincere evaluations of ourself and look forward into our future with a cautiously optimistic attitude. harris has commissioned and asked me to lead a long-range planning committee. we have met three times this year, all ending with a very positive feeling of accomplishment. it's interesting, how a room full of honest people should be able to talk about their church and not get all bent out of shape and yet, the blissful feeling we've left with after our meetings has come across as quite novel. while that's a sad statement on the past, it's a good omen for the future. i've missed only one meeting in the 18 months that asked for my participation. the close to 100 percent attendance has allowed me to drive my heartfelt points and emotions home consistently without venom. if you hardly make a meeting and come to it with a point to drive home, it's going to be hard to take that person seriously. your motives and your agenda will be questioned. and your credibility will take a hit. i haven't always swung a big stick with my words, but i feel like my presence has been solid and stabilizing. then again, i could be giving myself too much credit to that end. what else? limbo is now 19 weeks old. it seems fairly certain that the group is here to stay. while limbo doesn't directly relate to my position as lay leader, i think it's a safe bet that we wouldn't be doing it i weren't as plugged in as i am. i may be forgetting things...

let's look at the negative. first off, not a lot has changed. that's not to say things are changing, and that is good. but 18 months into my "term", the church still doesn't have a unifying mission and we are still operating by, mostly, doing "what we've always done". as i've mentioned many times, there is immense worth in the ministry that is happening at humc, but that worth is not building a bridge to our future yet. it is renovating the bridge to our past. my (and harris') first run with the lay leadership committee was pretty weak. we gave ourselves too little time to find capable members to run our already overstretched and undermanned committees. we gave ourselves too little time to accurately inventory and restructure our current system. finally, we did "what we've always done" and asked people to sign up for positions that were not adequately spelled out, setting them up to fail. i hope that we can better our efforts this year. in spite of our efforts to look at huffman for what we truly are, it is my opinion that huffman still thinks too highly of our current standing in our community. yes, it's great that we are still here. yes, it's great the impact that the church is having on the families of our daycare children. the overwhelming feel, though, still permeates that the community "out there" is a goal to be achieved, heathens to save from being "lost", poor that need to be nourished with "the word" rather than they are just humans like us. humans that aren't official members of our club. as expected, my leadership style has been questioned. how dare i speak from my heart? how dare i not speak like a politician and not advocate for the congregation even when it still feels, to me, that the current pull of our congregation is in the wrong direction. how dare i be so "young" and so full of cuss words? how dare i this? how dare i that? listen, this part bothers me least. lord knows, i knew going in that there were 14 representative members of the church that didn't want me to be lay leader. i didn't want to change their minds. i just want to change our church. and change is happening...

i think.

what concerns me more than anything is the current feel within the church for limbo. and partly, that is my fault. it was me that thought it would be the best idea to start us during the normal "what we've always done" sunday school hour. maybe i don't want to make others feel bad when they obviously don't have a feel for what we are trying to do within that room. of course, i am sensitive and protective of the perception, because i want it to develop naturally. hearing that we "want to be involved" shouldn't be a curse, but a blessing. being involved doing "what we've always done", though, well, that holds no interest to me. you see, we are 19 weeks old. 19!!! we are consistent. i feel like we are excited to be with each other every sunday. but we are not ready to be defined. we are 19 weeks old. 19 hours, plus some, that means we have spent together as a unit. sometimes, we have to work. sometimes, we have life that takes us on vacation or to the lake. sometimes, we just need to sleep in. what we can't be is what you want us to be, not because we are actively trying to be rebellious but because, in many of our opinions, what you want us to be is misguided and in poor form. we are 19 hours old. 19 weeks old. it is not the church's fault that you are not copied on our correspondence. it is intentional. it is not coincidence that no outside pressure has come from those that are. they understand. this is a long way of saying, please back off and let limbo grow for a little while. if we are wasting your space this time next year, you can ask us to move.

wow. that was a tangent.

so, why the self-evaluation and limbo defense today? i guess, in so many words, because things still kind of feel off. and i am honestly wondering if our church would be better served if someone else served our current system in my current position. i am not saying this in a threatening manner whatsoever. it's not like the o'kelleys are going anywhere. well, these o'kelleys aren't. we are much too stubborn for that. if we are trying to grow doing "what we've always done", i don't know that i am the man for the job.

it's just something i am thinking about. and, in this era of social(-ized) media, you might as well hear me thinking...

since it concerns you.