"you're not wanted...on this island!"


an open letter to mr. bobby petrino:


dear mr. petrino, 

first off, how's the neck, man? and the road rash that was all over your face? i've dreamed of having a motorcycle for several years, now, but the picture of your neck in that brace and that road rash, man, it gives me pause. road rash seems like a pretty gnarly injury, like an indian sunburn times a million. it seems like it would be really terrible to skid across the pavement. on your face. just sayin'. 

i digress. 

you don't know me. my name is kevin o'kelley. i used to be a fan of yours. for a hot minute back in 2007, you took the reins of my atlanta falcons. your offensive mind seemed like a good fit to turn one of my favorite football players of all time, mike vick, into a complete quarterback. unfortunately for you, before you were even able to play with your new toy, news emerged that starship was all about fightin' some dogs back home, and so began what falcons fans now refer to as "the lost season". you were forced to start joey harrington at quarterback. joey harrington was terrible at playing quarterback. you lost a lot of games and mid-december, you bolted us for a more stable gig at the university of arkansas. i don't really blame you. i didn't pay any attention to the falcons while joey harrington was the quarterback either. then again, i wasn't on the payroll. then again, you let your players know of your decision by leaving laminated notes in their lockers. that was kind of a douche move, man. but you know all this. 

moving on, congrats on all your success at arkansas. you never really recruited defense or bothered coaching defense, but your offense was spectacular. so spectacular, in fact, that you won many more games than you lost even though you didn't really recruit defense or coach defense. you were set to have a really special season in 2012, but then that whole motorcycle thing happened. again, i'm really sorry about that road rash. that whole motorcycle thing brought to light that you had been having an affair and hired your mistress on at the university and may have expensed a $20,000 gift to her and all sorts of other soap opera-y stuff. because you misled your employers, they let you go, man. but you know all of this. 

fast forward to now and there are openings all over the sec that your name's been attached to. one of those openings is auburn, a school near and dear to me in that they are the most hated rival of my favorite professional college football team, the alabama crimson tide. 

i'm worried for you, man. in the last few days since auburn relieved noted awesome guy, gene chizik, from his duties as the football overlord in auburn, your name is being dragged through the mud like nobody's business. people in alabama talk a lot about the lord and the bible and sweet baby jesus' eternal gift of salvation, but we are not a forgiving bunch. even if we say that we forgive, we don't really forget. we hold grudges like motherfuckers, even if they aren't our grudges to hold. i'm telling you, man. to be so all about the bible as we say we are and quote all the time, we're a scary bunch. 

the prevailing sentiment amongst our god fearing state is that you are a scumbag. you have a lot of "baggage". you like "women" too much. you "lie". you are much more of a "problem" than you are worth. 

word on the street is that you are going to interview for the auburn job. 

i say turn away, man. i repeat, "you're not wanted...on this island." 

i know what you are thinking, bobby. i know it. 

you are thinking that you've learned your lesson. you realize the mistakes you've made are heinous, disrespectful towards your wife, your loved ones, and the university of arkansas. all you are thinking is that you would love one more last chance. to prove your naysayers wrong. to prove that a bad decision (or eight)  does not a bad man make. and i get it, bobby. i do. i'm a scumbag, too. sweet baby jesus knows how many times i've fucked up, and no one important has banned me from their life yet. 

i want you to have another chance bobby. i think you deserve it. i think everyone does. but alabama isn't everybody, man. just between you and me, it scares me here sometimes. the bible tells this really incredible story of a god that unconditionally loves all of his creation. in this state, there is no such thing as unconditional love. there are always conditions. 

you may be thinking that, in spite of my worries for you, you're the man for this auburn job. honestly, i don't disagree with you. but be warned, bobby. lots and lots of people, even auburn people, already really don't like you. they think you're damaged goods, man. they are okay if you work again. they just don't want you to work here. 

...

i know, bobby. i know. you've never had any problems with the ncaa. that seems important, especially when the previous football overlord at auburn had to provide semi-permanent office space for folks that were looking into all sorts of shenanigans with his program. it doesn't matter, bobby. you lied, man. you cheated on your wife. that's all that matters. 

...

i know, bobby. i know. you think you could beat alabama within three years and have auburn back on the national map sooner than the majority in this state could correctly spell "adultery". i don't think it matters, man. they don't want you. you're scum to them, man. you'll always be that joker of a guy in a neck brace with road rash all over his face. 

i'm rooting for you, though. i want you to to compete for this job. i want you to get it. i want you to win at auburn and win big, because alabama beating a competitive auburn is more much satisfying than beating down a shell of what auburn used to be football team.

if you are offered this job, bobby, again, don't say i didn't warn you. 

"you're not wanted...on this island."  

sincerely, 

kevin

please don't go shopping at 3:00 am friday


the above picture has been making the rounds on facebook this week. it's dramatic, sure, but it's on point, right?

my girls have crafted their christmas lists for the most part already. most of their wants are gadget-y, relatively expensive stuff. hannah wants an ipod touch. caroline wants a meep, something akin to a tablet for children i think. don't tell 'em before the big day, but they are going to get what they want, at least those two big prizes, because, why not? they want them. as parents, we can afford them. they are good kids. they deserve awesome christmases. right?

well, sure they do.

but therein lies the crux.

the kids on the left hand side of the pointed picture above, they deserve to have awesome christmases, too. and they ain't gonna get it.

so, i close my eyes.

click my heels.

"there's no place like home." "there's no place like home." "there's no place like home."

bam.

i'm back. thank god.

back in kansas the united states of commercialism capitalism.

6 BILLION dollars. that was the rounded off figure that's been widely reported as being spent by the two parties competing for the office of president.

define necessity.

the american research group predicts the average american will spend about $854 dollars for gifts this year. in 2010, shoppertrak estimates over 10 BILLION dollars was spent on black friday alone. according to comscore, inc., christmas shopping in 2011 reached upwards and over the 35 BILLION dollar mark, up 15 percent from the previous year.

define necessity.

hello, my name is kevin. i'm a consumer.

i'm part of the problem. sarah is. my friends are. we all are.

our grandparents' sentiment of wanting their children to have a better life and better chances than they did has evolved and mutated into an ugly keeping up with the jones' approach to life.

we have felt this since moving to trussville.

hannah began her primary education at chalkville. the classes were more diverse, and by diverse i mean that hannah was in the minority. the degree of affluence was lower. kids didn't bring techno-shit to school for the most part.

that's not the case at paine. and make no mistake, we love paine. both the intermediate and primary schools have been amazing for hannah and caroline, but i worry we are tipping them to an expectation level that is skewing their view of the world in which we live. every classroom is computer-literate. the classrooms are all fitted with up to date technology and those benefits are worked into the child's education. it's a different beast. i don't know, necessarily, that it's better, but i already feel like the girls will be farther ahead in a lot of ways than if they were somewhere with shallower pockets.

define necessity.

is it being able to bring a kindle to class so you can read your textbooks online? is it being jealous as an eight year old when your contemporaries are carrying around kiddie vera bradley purses. is it neither? is it both?

all this bullshit talk about our economy, man.

all this bullshit talk about obama turning us into socialists.

all this bullshit talk about conditional giving. "i don't mind helping people, just so long as they can't help themselves."

ugh.

it makes me sick, man. sick.

maybe it's just me, but each time i hear something like that, what i really hear is, "i am fine right now. don't bother me with all your fancy stats about poverty and whatnot. if you'll excuse me, i am going to go down the hall to the starbucks... in the middle of my church.

define necessity.

we are good at luxury. and by we i mean i. i don't want to give up my falcons football games. i want fancy ipads and clever t-shirts and other things that i don't have that i don't really need. i want a phablet because the one in lebron's commercial looks awesome.

my name is kevin, and i am sick. i'm a consumer. i need your help.

please don't go shopping at 300 in the morning on friday. stay home. with your family. visit a friend. go play outside. do something real. something that'll stick to your spiritual bones. something...simple.

hang on to some of that cash. give it to a charity. send it oversees to a child you'll never see.

help me.

help you.

you go talk to your friends, talk to my friends, talk to me.

define necessity.

define a good christmas. give your loved ones something fun or nice or some thing they would never get for themselves. then stop.

go see a movie together.

just please don't go shopping at 300 in the morning on friday.

help you.

help me.

jesus is coming, y'all

"he's climbing in yo windows. he's snatchin' yo people up, tryin' to rape 'em. so, y'all need to hide your kids, hide your wife, and hide yo husband 'cause they rapin' err'body out here."


in case you were busy hiding under a rock or praying for our country, you missed the biggest meltdown i've seen on facebook since cam newton ripped alabama's heart out two seasons ago.

on tuesday, in spite of obvious evidence that our country probably needs more than two parties to choose from when electing our commander-in-chief, we had an election, verily, between two men. the entire country was aware of the two possible outcomes. either the incumbent would win and control the world for another four years, or his opponent would win and take his shot in the box to win the world over and save humanity in less time than it takes a toddler to figure out how to write their name. no pressure.

you would imagine, with only two possible outcomes, rational people would have prepared themselves for both outcomes. happy if their guy won. disappointed if their guy lost, get up, go to work the next morning, all the same.

but you would be wrong.

gloriously wrong.

like, mind-blowingly, orgasm-ly wrong.

on social media and the cable news networks at about 1130 pm eastern standard time, shit got real.

obama was declared the winner.

the loser?

america?

the real winner?

me. and you. and every other human that likes to mix it up on facebook.

(names removed to protect the innocent)

"WELCOME TO THE SOCIALIST STATES OF AMERICA."

"FUCK THIS SHIT. I'M GOING TO GET MY FOOD STAMPS. WHO'S WITH ME?"

"PLEASE, LOVING, HOLY CHRISTIANS REPUBLICANS OF THE WORLD. PRAY FOR OUR FUTURE."

"I AM SCARED. NO, REALLY. I AM LITERALLY PEEING MY PANTS RIGHT NOW. I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT I KNOW OBAMA IS TO BLAME."

"SWEET BABY JESUS. COME TAKE ME NOW. I AM READY TO SEE YOU (and my hamster, cocoa, that passed away last year)!!!"

"LEVITICUS THIS!"

"PAUL THAT!"

"wait, colorado passed what?"

"HAVE FUN KILLING ALL THOSE BABIES, OBAMA."

"ALL HOMOSEXUALS ARE COMING TO SEX ON YOU. RIGHT. NOW. ALL OF THEM."

and so on. and so forth. and so on. and so forth.

behind seeing the birth of my three children, had i been off on wednesday, it may have been the greatest day of my life.

people shit on facebook all the time, but if it is not a glorious human experiment, i don't know what is.

facebook and twitter and tumblr and reddit and name that social media outlet give humans the liquid courage to, if nothing more, speak their mind in an honest way that they often wouldn't in face to face interactions.

sarah and others have asked themselves why they read comment boards after an interesting article. if you make a habit of it, you often feel like you have to shower the smog of humanity off of you before heading out for the rest of your day. but there is goodness in facebook. and on those boards. because you get one of two types of people. trolls, there just to stir the shit, worthwhile in their own minute way, and honest people.

in general, most of our face to face encounters are short and sweet, with very little depth. we are all too busy to talk to all 367 facebook friends several times a year and look through picture-books of their kids and family, find out where they are working, find out what they like and don't like, find out what grinds their gears. spend a few hours online, though, and you can find out a lot about a person. at the very least, you find out what they want you to know, which, in and of itself, is telling.

wednesday, man. you found out a LOT about a lot of people. through what they posted. through their comments. through their passive aggressive retweets and "likes". if there was a footprint of a person anywhere on wednesday, you knew if they were for your team or not.

my team won the election, but, wow, did the other side win the next term in the land of dramatic overreaction-ville.

not only were the above all caps quotes (or some sentiment thereof) shouted from the mountaintops, but some folks were so forlorn they swore off social media altogether. their spirits were so broken down by what they thought would happen or should happen, it was just too much.

there have been continuations of that theme as the week has tip-toed forward, but nothing as grandiose as the chicken little act that hit the fan wednesday.

if it all wasn't so incredibly awesome, one might be ashamed. i am not ashamed. i am only disappointed i couldn't micro-blog the entire experience from my couch.

i suppose cooler heads will prevail. maybe we'll all learn to get along and not be so surprised at the result of an event that fivethirtyeight.com has had pegged for weeks and weeks and weeks, because, you know, he does math. but nate silver isn't asked to make the rounds at fox news. fox news bases most of their forecasting on the obese gut feelings of dick morris and karl rove.

while those guys finish wiping the shards of their remains off the fox news floor, i'll be anxiously awaiting republican jesus and hope he doesn't throw poop on me while he judges me to be left behind.

until then, seriously, chill the fuck out, people.

my bullshit is going to miss your bullshit


for weeks, i've been keeping a "hit list" in my head. i'm not usually prone to violence, so the term doesn't properly apply, but the idea has been fairly straightforward. keep a fluid list in my head of the folks and "friends" on my social networks that make the least amount of sense or make the most idiotic comments regarding today's election. when i head to the polls today, i will think of that list, i will reflect on it one last time, and will take immense joy in casting my vote for barack obama and knowing that i've canceled out some very special vocal supporter of the other guy. i'll leave the voting booth happy and accomplished, and i'll head home to watch the returns come in and hopefully celebrate another four years with a president that seems genuinely interested in improving the lives of the poor, in making the environment and the future of the planet more livable, in creating a country where legal equality applies to all persons and all genders, no matter your sexual preference, and a president interested in making sure everyone in the country has access to health insurance.

you can come here or to my facebook timeline and debate me on my above four qualifiers (in fact, i wish you would), but that is why i am voting again for our current president, and that is why i've been keeping my hit list.

let's take a look at my four main (not only) reasons to vote obama, and i want to document here some of the bullshit i've digested so the girls will at some point know and understand how their daddy may have come to his decision.

warning: there will be no scripture ripping in the following four bullet points.

poor people - listen, man. i guess i kind of get it. we are only voting our experience. and some of us have never lived in trailer parks or gone without or had kids throw rocks at you when you got off the school bus because you were wearing shoes from wal-mart. i have. and all three of those things sucked. being a poor kid, living in a fucking small apartment and a fucking trailer sucked. but here's the thing, man. i didn't have shit to do with it. and that's the point that all of these assholes that are telling people to "get back to work, you lazy slut!" are missing. my mom worked fucking hard. so hard, in fact, it drove her into depression. she worked hard, kept terrible dudes around that contributed to the household income, made sure we had food to eat and clothes to wear and some cool shit to play with, but it didn't matter. she didn't do anything wrong. and i and my brother certainly didn't do anything to end up with divorced parents or to live in a trailer with a single to remarried to single to remarried (etc.) mom. it just fucking happens that way. to kids for sure, but to adults, alike. shit happens. life happens. jobs are lost. pay goes down. shit happens again. life happens. death happens. and people find themselves in the bottom of some barrel with no ladder to get out. and it happened to us. you know what, though? who the fuck gives a shit? it made me who i am today, which is a lot tougher than these spineless assholes that are "sick and tired of giving their money to people that don't deserve it" or think bullshitted ideas like "if you are poor enough to be on food stamps, you shouldn't have an iphone."

man, fuck you and fuck you.

cause here's the fucking rub. as "bad" as i had it growing it, i didn't even know what bad fucking was until i grew up and made the intentional decision to work in roebuck. man, people in roebuck and east lake and center point, some of these folks have it fucking bad. the economy and the businesses in the community have run off and left them. it's all they can do to find money for some fast food or some shitty ass dog food for that one thing on this planet, their pet, that they can fool themselves into believing gives a shit about them. and yeah, man, some of them live in government housing. and yeah, man, some of them have food stamps.

but you know who has it worse? the fucking children in those families that didn't have shit to do with their parents' situation. and they need those food stamps. they need that ps3 if they can get it so they aren't constantly reminded how shit-tastic their life is. and they need the rest of the country to wake the fuck up and figure out a solution more fucking detail-oriented than "we are going to put this country back to work."

the other guy, in so many words, said behind closed doors that 47% of the country are slackers. he didn't address that 47 percent's kids. and the fact of the matter is, even though i technically belong to the 53% of the country that he worries about, the 47% is where i come from, and it's who i'll always care about the most.

environment - "president obama promised to stop the rise of the oceans and heal the planet. (dramatic pause, hold eat shit look, wait for laughter and applause from the base)"

holy. god. damn.

a joke at the expense of the president and the planet.

listen, i am no climate scientist. i am not going to claim to be one here, but there are such people, and they seem to be worried the fuck out about the direction the planet is heading. that kind of freaks me out. i've read that around TEN PERCENT of the world's population live at elevations of less than 10 meters above sea level.

the impact of frankenstorm last week along the east coast put a quick halt to this type of rhetorical jokey-joke, but the issue was brought to light again. i am not going to go so far as to say that the other guy hates the planet. i don't think that's the case.

but the president and his policies have shown intentional support towards healing this planet. i hope some of my money is trickling into that effort, too, even if there are still assholes out there that don't believe it's a concern.

equality - pay equality for women. same sex marriage equality. excuse me once again while i allow my tongue to spit hot fire. WHY THE MISERABLE FUCK ARE WE STILL HAVING TO TALK ABOUT THIS SHIT???

"but the bible says this..."
"...and the bible says that..."
"don't forget that one other time when the bible said women suck more than men..."

oh. my. fucking. god.

i promised no scripture ripping, but i will add the following comment that has been made hundreds of times but keeps going in some people's ear and out the other. jesus doesn't mention homosexuality. he talks a whole lot about a whole lot of stuff. not this. stop backing up your bigotry with misinformation.

gay marriage is not going to ruin your marriage.

you are going to ruin your marriage. because you and me??? we are assholes. selfish assholes ruin marriages, not sexual preference. or god.

universal health care - raise your hand if you know an asshole that doesn't think this is what every human should be afforded, let alone every american.

(raises hand)

"i don't want the dadgum government telling me i have to have insurance. i'll smoke and kill myself if i goddam well please." 
"it'll kill small businesses" 
"i don't like black people."
"i like my insurance the way it is now."

mind you, these are examples of some of the more intelligent discourse i've observed over the last many weeks when people are trashing the affordable care act.

it's one of the many things about the election cycle that i am happy to say i will never understand. you may not agree with every single thing contained in the bill (but let's be fucking honest, all you know about it is that it happened because of obama and you hate black people him.), but if you stand in opposition of the idea, itself, and think you have health coverage because you've done something mighty and different than the folks that cannot currently afford it, well, in my opinion, you should be ashamed.

alabama is going to vote "yes" on amendment six today, because there are a lot of ignorant, self-righteous assholes in alabama. i'm an ignorant asshole, but i'll be voting no.

in about twelve hours, we'll know the results. we'll either continue forward or we'll begin bracing for a new direction...again.

we talked in limbo sunday and the opinion was shared and agreed on that many of us are "ready for this to be over", all the talk, the debate, the back and forth, the arguing, the name calling. and, honestly, i don't disagree. something is seriously off-putting about a twelve month (or longer) election cycle. i want our president to be able to work and not have to defend his turf for weeks and weeks and weeks, regardless of their political affiliation. and you want to talk about being fucked up? we talk about the poor and how much need there is in this country, and we just spent over 6 BILLION dollars in campaign funds working up to this day. that's a whole lot of food stamps. that's a whole lot of waste.

for me, though? i am going to miss the bullshit. i am going to miss picking facebook fights with people that don't share my opinions. i love asking hard questions and having to defend where it is i stand on certain issues and certain moral standards. i am going to miss thinking that even one person might be enlightened by one of my crude comments. and i am going to miss being unfriended because of something i feel passionate about.

no matter, i suppose. i'll find other reasons to be unfriended. but i guaran-goddamn-tee you this. when i do call you an asshole or an idiot or something else that i'll later regret, it's going to be for one simple reason.

you are standing up for an idea instead a person.

that is why we fail.

that is why we will continue to fail.

if you are mad because you think people should "go to work" and don't deserve your tax money, that's a you problem.

if you are mad because you don't think gay people should have the right to marry or that women shouldn't get equal pay for equal work, that's a you problem.

if you don't believe in climate change and that we should be worried about it, holy shit, read a science book. and that's a you problem.

if you don't think humans should care for other humans' health and americans shouldn't pay for all americans' health care, that's a you problem. following that line of logic tells me that if i were not in a fortunate enough situation to have health coverage in 2009 and could not have have my cancerous kidney removed or if i were not still in a fortunate enough situation to have health coverage this year and be able to afford yet another surgery and the 2,000 dollars a month to pay for chemo, well, that line of logic tells me that you would be okay if i died. is that true? would you be okay if i died because i didn't have insurance and could not afford treatment? if so, fuck you. and that's a you problem.

i am going to be fine, as will you, if the other guy wins today. i'll make the best of it, and i hope you will, too.

i am going to miss the bullshit, though. it's where i grew up. it's where i came from. i can spot it a mile away.

stop putting words in jesus' mouth, y'all. if you are a christian, follow the words of christ. contextualize and understand the rest of the bible, but emphasize JESUS' message. love. love the poor. love your enemy. love.

don't stand up for ideas. ideas are a waste of fucking time, man.

stand up for people.

love.

people.

#obama2012