item #4759
(things i will never be good at)
((because i choose not to be))
today was "freshen up beth kent's gold award project" (church clean-up) day at humc. we did not attend. it's not that we aren't concerned with the qualities aesthetic of our church, but it's the first saturday i've had off in a while, and we decided to do something more enjoyable. update the garden in front of our house. holy. shit.
what's the opposite of a green thumb?
the project started with a trip to hell. i don't know, exactly, what hell is or where hell is. hell could end up being nothing more than the complete and utter absence of god. like those nights that you don't remember dreaming. those nights where all you understand of your night's rest is that you feel recharged and that you've lost a big chunk of time. hell could very well be just like that without the restful feeling after waking up. because you don't wake up. because you'd be dead. and you weren't interested in the afterlife. or jesus. or whatever other way god wills us to find our way to see him. because you actively choose to not believe that such a reward exists and because of that choice, hell is just like sleep. without the waking up. and that would suck. am i giving anyone else the chills? maybe it's just me. or hell could be hot. the realization of an eternity spent paying for how awful a human being you've chosen to be. constant torture. constant fear. a spiritual and everlasting embodiment of that which terrorizes us the very most. if that latter scenario ended up being the way it played out, my hell would be lowe's.
to most men, a trip to lowe's is a good part to a good day. to me, it is everything that is wrong with life. why else would we have a phonebook with all sorts of people listed that we can pay to come and fix or shape or remodel for us? why in the world would we want to do it ourself? christ. i have no idea. if this makes me less of a man, then fuck it. i am ok with that.
we went to hell and everyone in trussville was there with us. the line to check out in the garden center stretched for days and grown men could be heard swearing at their wives because ordering their beloved back to aisle 666 for the weed-b-gone "that only someone as dumb as you" would forget is a better option than stepping out and away from being the eleventh customer in line at the cash register. sarah and hannah picked out plants, flowers, shrubbery, whatever the hell you call it and i was in charge of caroline. we both kept our head down, did our best not to make eye-contact with the "infected" and prayed to god to release us from this prison. lucky for us, we made it out unscathed, most likely not unforgiven.
our project started innocently enough, but a full two minutes in, i knew i was out of my league. i tried to dig holes where instructed, but my very soft, very smooth hands started to blister. i tried to pull weeds while down on all-fours, but my knees started to burn. the only thing i was any good at was trimming our bushes and i am convinced that this was because i could tell myself i was sabotaging the effort in some way through sheer destruction. sarah was hardly even supervising me. i could have edward scissorhanded my way through the garden leaving only bare limbs in my wake, but i feel that would have soured my wife's mood for the rest of the evening. i fell out of being productive shortly after my two minutes, but the project was finished nonetheless. weeds were pulled. holes were dug. plants were planted. mulch was spread. the front of our home is now easier on the eyes than it was six hours ago.
i am no gardener. this is an understatement. but i do put gardening into the same sub-category of "things i suck at" as i do working on a car, knitting and returning messages. none of these things, among many others, really take talent, do they? they don't require skill, per se. just patience. some willingness to learn. tools. and time. maybe all of those things put together add up to the "talent" necessary to make things bloom. i really don't know. i do know that it must have been a funny sight, the look of being completely overwhelmed that was surely written all over my face this afternoon. a look that said, "i have no idea what i am doing."
"and i don't want to know."
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
being in a bad mood is quite unflattering
(hannah and caroline and me, part ten)
april 12th, 2006 was my first day at pet supplies "plus". the two year anniversary came and went with no more fanfare than it should have. that is to say, there was no fanfare. i started thinking about my being there along with my being in huntsville along with my working at humc. over the course of the last four-plus years, the number of nights that sarah has spent at home as a single parent probably comes close to 200 i would think. is that number high? let me think out loud. let's just say i close the store, on average, two nights a week. over two years, that would be at least 100 nights, right? i have to believe the total from the previous two years would be close to that number as well. 200 might even be low-balling it. so, since we have expanded our family to include children, sarah has accumulated close to two-thirds of a year worth of time educating herself in the ways of being a single-mom. me, on the other hand? i would guess that my nights spent alone with child or children probably come closer to 10. you read that right. 10. ten! maybe less than that. it's not many. but it's too many for me.
i bring this up because i have been in a bad mood since around lunchtime on monday. that was about the time that sarah told me she'd be attending a dinner away from home on tuesday night, which is completely fine. i do things all the time away from the house. work, softball, basketball. she should be afforded nights like that, herself, and i should be happy to allow for those nights. in theory, i should. in reality, i have been a complete brat, and only this morning have i been able to shake my hurt feelings that arose after i was made aware i'd be home alone with the girls. selfishly, i know that the only reason i am shaking them now is that i don't have a "just daddy" night at home scheduled for another eight days. "what is your problem?", you may be asking. i am asking that, myself.
any time with the girls is precious time. last night was no different. i picked them up from the church and every single minute of the evening was fine. no, it was better than fine. it was wonderful. and easy. we picked up some mcdonald's on the way home. i fed caroline while hannah watched nickelodeon and ate her dinner. we all were completely content as suppertime drew to it's end. hannah made her way into the living room. i followed shortly with caroline and laid her down for her regularly scheduled evening nap. i came into the kitchen and browsed around on the computer for a few minutes. hannah came in and asked if we could go outside and blow bubbles while the baby was asleep, which we did. we came back in the house and woke up caroline together. as sesame stree provided the background noise, hannah and i worked on an art "project" while caroline played with some happy meal toys and enjoyed some tummy time. i took caroline upstairs, changed her diaper, put on her pajamas, came downstairs and gave her her bedtime bottle. i put her to bed. hannah and i, then, made our way upstairs for her own bedtime routine, which includes the application of some chapstick, brushing her hair, marking off a day on her calendar and reading some of her winnie the pooh book. after kissing her goodnight, i came back downstairs and prepared bottles for today and that took care of the girls. there wasn't an obstacle to be seen, heard or overcome all night. yet, i was still in a foul mood when sarah arrived home from her dinner. i left immediately to go lock up the church, mad at the world. that was the night.
(something else that i've been chewing on is how my mood correlates with the braves winning and losing. they lost last night. didn't score one freaking run against a guy they lit up just about a week ago. i wonder if my mood would have improved sooner if the result went the other way. i tend to think that it would. and that, too, goes to prove what a dick i am.)
i love my girls. all three of them. immensely. i don't even like to think about what my life would be without them. with hannah and caroline, my mood from monday afternoon through last night, though, shows me that my love for them is much easier to grasp and feel when it is wrapped in the context of our family being together. all four of us. as one. don't hear me wrong. i am not saying that i think my love for them is conditional. not in the least. even though i felt, and probably in some ways acted, like an asshole all day yesterday, as i drove to the church, i told myself that the girls wouldn't know of it. not in any way. and they didn't. we had a flawless evening. there wasn't a chance in hell that i was going to let hannah or caroline sense that there was anywhere in the world i'd rather be than with them last night. in those four hours with them before bedtime, i didn't want to be anywhere else. that's the god's honest truth. hooray for compartmentalizing!
it's not that i didn't want to be a dad. it's not that i didn't want children. it's that i didn't (and don't) want to be a dad without a mom. it's that i didn't (and don't) want children by myself, outside of that "context" of our defined and considered family.
nights like last night make me appreciate the nights that i am away from home and sarah is home with the girls without me. every time i have had a daddy night, things have been perfect. because her sample-size is much larger, she has had to suffer through nights on her own that the girls have been, how do you say, not on their best behavior. i think more of her because of those nights and how infrequently she lets the "potential" for those nights ruin her whole day or our time together. she is a better parent than me, and i am ok with that. that said, it's probably not very fair.
i'll be with the girls by myself again on may 1st, and i hope i don't dread it. the dread is such a waste of time. i hope i can wrap my head around how special that night should be and not hold it against sarah or the world because of my immature want to always have a teammate available at home.
it's funny, because sarah (who can read my moods quite easily) has worried about her studying for license exams taking away from "family" time, but she misses the point. it's not that i needed her to do anything last night. paraphrasing piglet, i just wanted and needed "to be sure of you." sure of our family. sure that i am not alone (which i know that i am not.). in the moment (or day), that's hard for me to remember.
here's to improving the quality of my discontent.
(hannah and caroline and me, part ten)
april 12th, 2006 was my first day at pet supplies "plus". the two year anniversary came and went with no more fanfare than it should have. that is to say, there was no fanfare. i started thinking about my being there along with my being in huntsville along with my working at humc. over the course of the last four-plus years, the number of nights that sarah has spent at home as a single parent probably comes close to 200 i would think. is that number high? let me think out loud. let's just say i close the store, on average, two nights a week. over two years, that would be at least 100 nights, right? i have to believe the total from the previous two years would be close to that number as well. 200 might even be low-balling it. so, since we have expanded our family to include children, sarah has accumulated close to two-thirds of a year worth of time educating herself in the ways of being a single-mom. me, on the other hand? i would guess that my nights spent alone with child or children probably come closer to 10. you read that right. 10. ten! maybe less than that. it's not many. but it's too many for me.
i bring this up because i have been in a bad mood since around lunchtime on monday. that was about the time that sarah told me she'd be attending a dinner away from home on tuesday night, which is completely fine. i do things all the time away from the house. work, softball, basketball. she should be afforded nights like that, herself, and i should be happy to allow for those nights. in theory, i should. in reality, i have been a complete brat, and only this morning have i been able to shake my hurt feelings that arose after i was made aware i'd be home alone with the girls. selfishly, i know that the only reason i am shaking them now is that i don't have a "just daddy" night at home scheduled for another eight days. "what is your problem?", you may be asking. i am asking that, myself.
any time with the girls is precious time. last night was no different. i picked them up from the church and every single minute of the evening was fine. no, it was better than fine. it was wonderful. and easy. we picked up some mcdonald's on the way home. i fed caroline while hannah watched nickelodeon and ate her dinner. we all were completely content as suppertime drew to it's end. hannah made her way into the living room. i followed shortly with caroline and laid her down for her regularly scheduled evening nap. i came into the kitchen and browsed around on the computer for a few minutes. hannah came in and asked if we could go outside and blow bubbles while the baby was asleep, which we did. we came back in the house and woke up caroline together. as sesame stree provided the background noise, hannah and i worked on an art "project" while caroline played with some happy meal toys and enjoyed some tummy time. i took caroline upstairs, changed her diaper, put on her pajamas, came downstairs and gave her her bedtime bottle. i put her to bed. hannah and i, then, made our way upstairs for her own bedtime routine, which includes the application of some chapstick, brushing her hair, marking off a day on her calendar and reading some of her winnie the pooh book. after kissing her goodnight, i came back downstairs and prepared bottles for today and that took care of the girls. there wasn't an obstacle to be seen, heard or overcome all night. yet, i was still in a foul mood when sarah arrived home from her dinner. i left immediately to go lock up the church, mad at the world. that was the night.
(something else that i've been chewing on is how my mood correlates with the braves winning and losing. they lost last night. didn't score one freaking run against a guy they lit up just about a week ago. i wonder if my mood would have improved sooner if the result went the other way. i tend to think that it would. and that, too, goes to prove what a dick i am.)
i love my girls. all three of them. immensely. i don't even like to think about what my life would be without them. with hannah and caroline, my mood from monday afternoon through last night, though, shows me that my love for them is much easier to grasp and feel when it is wrapped in the context of our family being together. all four of us. as one. don't hear me wrong. i am not saying that i think my love for them is conditional. not in the least. even though i felt, and probably in some ways acted, like an asshole all day yesterday, as i drove to the church, i told myself that the girls wouldn't know of it. not in any way. and they didn't. we had a flawless evening. there wasn't a chance in hell that i was going to let hannah or caroline sense that there was anywhere in the world i'd rather be than with them last night. in those four hours with them before bedtime, i didn't want to be anywhere else. that's the god's honest truth. hooray for compartmentalizing!
it's not that i didn't want to be a dad. it's not that i didn't want children. it's that i didn't (and don't) want to be a dad without a mom. it's that i didn't (and don't) want children by myself, outside of that "context" of our defined and considered family.
nights like last night make me appreciate the nights that i am away from home and sarah is home with the girls without me. every time i have had a daddy night, things have been perfect. because her sample-size is much larger, she has had to suffer through nights on her own that the girls have been, how do you say, not on their best behavior. i think more of her because of those nights and how infrequently she lets the "potential" for those nights ruin her whole day or our time together. she is a better parent than me, and i am ok with that. that said, it's probably not very fair.
i'll be with the girls by myself again on may 1st, and i hope i don't dread it. the dread is such a waste of time. i hope i can wrap my head around how special that night should be and not hold it against sarah or the world because of my immature want to always have a teammate available at home.
it's funny, because sarah (who can read my moods quite easily) has worried about her studying for license exams taking away from "family" time, but she misses the point. it's not that i needed her to do anything last night. paraphrasing piglet, i just wanted and needed "to be sure of you." sure of our family. sure that i am not alone (which i know that i am not.). in the moment (or day), that's hard for me to remember.
here's to improving the quality of my discontent.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
"what if?"
(to spell out the metaphor in the picture, we are the guy diving hopelessly. the guy with the ball is our dreams.)
there are questions in life that you must answer. sometimes, these questions are born out of pure curiosity. sometimes, they are born out of life experience. our flag football season this spring was born out of the latter. in the spring of 2007, kiker and i were asked to play on a flag football team. i had not played an organized brand of football since the age of 12 and the idea sounded fabulous. running routes. catching passes. pulling flags. it sounded like great exercise and a wonderful way to pass the time between the end of the church basketball season and the beginning of softball.
it wasn't. kiker, myself, and a couple other guys from our softball team joined a group of ex-high school athletes that, from the start, took this venture into the realm of not-so-competitive flag football quite seriously. well, they took the games quite seriously. if the entire group ever showed up for practice, our fortunes may have been different. we had our terrell owens. our guy that was "always open". we had our reggie bush. the guy whose athletic gifts gave you the false impression that he was going to impact the game in a far greater way than he ever did. we had our "role players", a category that i was placed in and fine with. i would run the routes that i was asked, unaware until about game three that they were decoy routes to draw defensive attention away from terrell owens and reggie bush. and then, we had the argo brothers. heath and clint are two nice guys, both of which i consider friends. but they should never play flag football together. clint has "coached" high school football. heath has played a lot of madden and ncaa on playstation. i am not sure either of those qualifies one as an expert on the flag football field, but that is not the real point. the real point was that their relationship, or lack thereof, on the field was so uncomfortable that we were hard pressed not to leave the field each week as fast as we could in the hopes that we wouldn't be asked back out the following week. flag football, 2007, was a waste of our time.
in theory, we should enjoy flag football. that's what kiker and i thought at least. having been on the field, we saw our competition and knew that we had enough friends and co-workers that we could put together a product that might win a few games and redeem the prior season's failures. right? absolutely. we started asking around, putting names on paper and came up with an eleven man roster that we felt could compete in the c-league as well as enjoy each other's company, win or lose. even before week one, signs pointed to the season not being exactly what we had drawn up. we had problems getting folks to practice. we had issues with guys saying "i'd like to play" and then hedging when it came to giving up a sunday afternoon. we had a couple guys that liked "the idea" of playing a lot more than actually playing. we were in trouble before the season opened. i just didn't want to see it.
week one came and our season peaked on our first drive. i wish i could tell you i am kidding. but i am not. we could not have scripted coming out of the box any better. we got the ball first. i was 5 for 6 on the drive. i threw a touchdown pass. we completed the point after attempt. and we were up 7-0. high-fiving. feeling good about ourselves. patting each other on the back. life could not get much better. it was 1:15 into the 2000 alabama-ucla game and we were freddie milons dancing into the endzone. wait a second. did i say the 2000 alabama-ucla game? the game that saw alabama take the lead on a punt return and then, in a moment, find themselves down 21-7 with no chance of getting back into the game? yep. that's the one. and that was our season.
had i a clue that our season's everest was going to be that first drive, i wouldn't have changed anything...i don't guess. i am not a quitter. but it certainly would've helped with the perspective that i could not find after four weeks. "but we're better than this, guys! remember that first drive??? we just need to figure things out." but we weren't better than that. just like freddie milon's punt return, our first drive was a fluke. beginner's luck. chance. god giving me the finger. whatever. and the season went downhill from there. we never scored more than 13 points in any one game. we never forced a punt. we were slow. we were unorganized. sometimes, we didn't even have the seven guys you are supposed to start a game with. we. were. horrible.
but we answered that question. that, "what if?". what if we played another season with another group of guys and we tried to have fun with it?
we would still suck? oh, cool. thanks. read you loud and clear. if there was a bright spot, it was that i never got in my car angry with a teammate. i never didn't want to come back. and that's a testament to the guys i went to war with. granted, we were carrying knives into a gunfight, but i would pick the same guys again. no doubt about it. i am thankful for good friends and good attitudes. that, more than our play on the field, will define the birminghamandcheese when i look back on our experience from the future.
next spring, after basketball ends, there's a good chance that i am going to keep my sundays free and clear of flag-football. do something with the family. watch the braves in their home reds. i won't have to worry about "what if?", not as it relates to flag-football.
and i think i am ok with the answer.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
"some day this will make a useful anecdote"
i am a couple days late putting fingers to keyboard on this, but, you know, work got in the way. whatareyougonnado? the daily show used to be appointment televsion for sarah and me, back when we weren't old and didn't feel like the next day would be ruined completely if we didn't get in bed by 9:00. only since caroline has arrived have i really felt this way. felt that as soon as the girls are in bed, that we should follow suit immediately. if not? we would be exhausted by 3:00 p.m. the next day and entirely incapable of functioning as a family by the time we all got home. the low battery light flashing on one parent can be worked around on some evenings. if sarah and i, both, are ready to be plugged into the wall in combination with hannah whining and caroline hungry? hurt feelings can ensue. easily. but i digress.
i was up and alert monday night at daily show time and the first segment seemed to be pulled directly from my "i couldn't have said it better myself" folder. here's a link.
http://www.thedailyshow.com/video/index.jhtml?videoId=166074&title=gaffe-in
it's perfectly pointed and funny, just like any classic jon stewart "monologue". but the point that pushed my buttons the hardest comes at the 7:10 mark. after barack obama's recent casual remarks commenting (he admitted that they were broad, stereotypical comments) on the process of midwesterners' decision-making, of course he was raped by the political pundits. and maybe he should've been. he should know by now to measure every word or else. and the comments in question were lazy at best. that being said, the stance big news media took on this day was to paint obama as an "elitist" and paint that as a bad thing. i'll let the clip speak for itself the rest of the way, but the last two minutes of stewart's rant summed up my feelings on the battle between obama and clinton as well as issues within our current structure at humc.
the definition of elite has not and will not change. the connotation definitely has. i have thrown the word "elitist" around in a negative way, so i am just as guilty as the next guy. but the idea of being a leader in our society and our churches (at least, the societies and churches that are struggling) seems to have been watered down to the idea of who can be the best "everyman". the "all things to all people" guy that never gets around to making any big and tough decisions for the greater good of the residents/membership because he is too bogged down with all the minute and day-to-day decisions that the congregation asks of him/her. the classic definition of not being able to see the forest for the trees. as stewart posits, why wouldn't the country want a leader that has a vision for a new and more peaceful world? why wouldn't we want a leader that has a vision that he/she believes in and feels as though they are capable of moving the country in what they perceive to be the right direction? why wouldn't big news want that too? why? because it's hard. and it doesn't make for good tv to agree with candidates that, deep down, i believe want to make america a better place.
and again, bringing it back local, why wouldn't our congregation want a senior pastor that was willing to bring a message of change from the pulpit, ask us to accept that message, own it and move forward? quite frankly, i think we do. but dcd (pastor chris) has fallen directly in line with the last four appointments huffman has received (including my biased favorite, john rutland) and is too afraid to push us in a certain direction because he's been afraid that we might leave some behind (that, or they've had no direction, themselves. same result either way). granted, this is a common problem for any church suffering from dwindling numbers and relevancy. the priority becomes saving those aboard the sinking ship instead of finding a new boat, a boat that will sail to somewhere and not slowly take on water in the same place it's always been until it's too late.
the country and the church are just as much to blame as our "leaders". i admit that. we've gotten used to asking for "what will get us by" instead of "what's best". but if our leaders are willing to play a role in that play, are they really leading or just characters whose fate is defined for them? i hope that obama or clinton have a chance to change the course of their current direction.
and i pray that humc and their leader may soon understand that we are currently swirling in a whirlpool. the good ship "disciples in action: making and growing disciples"'s fate has been sealed.
we need a new boat.
i am a couple days late putting fingers to keyboard on this, but, you know, work got in the way. whatareyougonnado? the daily show used to be appointment televsion for sarah and me, back when we weren't old and didn't feel like the next day would be ruined completely if we didn't get in bed by 9:00. only since caroline has arrived have i really felt this way. felt that as soon as the girls are in bed, that we should follow suit immediately. if not? we would be exhausted by 3:00 p.m. the next day and entirely incapable of functioning as a family by the time we all got home. the low battery light flashing on one parent can be worked around on some evenings. if sarah and i, both, are ready to be plugged into the wall in combination with hannah whining and caroline hungry? hurt feelings can ensue. easily. but i digress.
i was up and alert monday night at daily show time and the first segment seemed to be pulled directly from my "i couldn't have said it better myself" folder. here's a link.
http://www.thedailyshow.com/video/index.jhtml?videoId=166074&title=gaffe-in
it's perfectly pointed and funny, just like any classic jon stewart "monologue". but the point that pushed my buttons the hardest comes at the 7:10 mark. after barack obama's recent casual remarks commenting (he admitted that they were broad, stereotypical comments) on the process of midwesterners' decision-making, of course he was raped by the political pundits. and maybe he should've been. he should know by now to measure every word or else. and the comments in question were lazy at best. that being said, the stance big news media took on this day was to paint obama as an "elitist" and paint that as a bad thing. i'll let the clip speak for itself the rest of the way, but the last two minutes of stewart's rant summed up my feelings on the battle between obama and clinton as well as issues within our current structure at humc.
the definition of elite has not and will not change. the connotation definitely has. i have thrown the word "elitist" around in a negative way, so i am just as guilty as the next guy. but the idea of being a leader in our society and our churches (at least, the societies and churches that are struggling) seems to have been watered down to the idea of who can be the best "everyman". the "all things to all people" guy that never gets around to making any big and tough decisions for the greater good of the residents/membership because he is too bogged down with all the minute and day-to-day decisions that the congregation asks of him/her. the classic definition of not being able to see the forest for the trees. as stewart posits, why wouldn't the country want a leader that has a vision for a new and more peaceful world? why wouldn't we want a leader that has a vision that he/she believes in and feels as though they are capable of moving the country in what they perceive to be the right direction? why wouldn't big news want that too? why? because it's hard. and it doesn't make for good tv to agree with candidates that, deep down, i believe want to make america a better place.
and again, bringing it back local, why wouldn't our congregation want a senior pastor that was willing to bring a message of change from the pulpit, ask us to accept that message, own it and move forward? quite frankly, i think we do. but dcd (pastor chris) has fallen directly in line with the last four appointments huffman has received (including my biased favorite, john rutland) and is too afraid to push us in a certain direction because he's been afraid that we might leave some behind (that, or they've had no direction, themselves. same result either way). granted, this is a common problem for any church suffering from dwindling numbers and relevancy. the priority becomes saving those aboard the sinking ship instead of finding a new boat, a boat that will sail to somewhere and not slowly take on water in the same place it's always been until it's too late.
the country and the church are just as much to blame as our "leaders". i admit that. we've gotten used to asking for "what will get us by" instead of "what's best". but if our leaders are willing to play a role in that play, are they really leading or just characters whose fate is defined for them? i hope that obama or clinton have a chance to change the course of their current direction.
and i pray that humc and their leader may soon understand that we are currently swirling in a whirlpool. the good ship "disciples in action: making and growing disciples"'s fate has been sealed.
we need a new boat.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
i bet his hands are soft, too
this list has changed. while i will consider re-entering mike vick into the pantheon of athletes that i wish i could be for a day after he gets out of jail, one man has now separated himself from the pack. that man? tim hudson.
i watched him as he pitched last night and stood in awe just like i stand in awe every time i watch him pitch. i shouldn't favor him as much as i do. he was an auburn tiger after all. but i have forgiven him of that sin and, since, focused on the fact that, for whatever reason, he is the major league baseball player that i stop what i am doing and watch every time he is doing what he does. i could go on for days about what it is that attracts me to him. our build is similar. our hairlines are similar. he has cool tats. i have a less cool tat. i love that it looks like it takes every ounce of his 165-pound frame to accomplish each and every pitch he throws. i love how he competes. i love that, on the nights where he doesn't have his best stuff, he still tries his damn-dest to put the braves in position to win. last night wasn't one of those nights. everything was in order. my tim doesn't have that one pitch that batters dread. his two-seamer is pretty wicked. his slider is decent. every pitch he throws sinks to some degree. he has enough in his arsenal to be unhittable at times, but you don't get the impression that teams "fear" him in the same way they do smoltz when smoltz has his shit working. and i am sure all of that plays into my adoration for tim hudson. he's more "everyman" than smoltz could ever hope to be. he doesn't come on tv on his off days and brag about playing golf with tiger woods. you are never going to see him in a tv booth after he hangs up the spikes. when hudson finishes pitching, that'll be the end of it. he'll come back and throw out a first pitch or he might sign some memorabilia when he runs out of money, but hudson will always be defined as a player and a player only. don't get me wrong. i love that smoltz is a brave. i just wouldn't want to carry his jock-strap around. tim, on the other hand...
the braves are already destroying me. the "vaunted" line-up everyone was pimping in the spring can't hit shit on the road yet. chipper started limping around last night. hampton IS WHO WE THOUGHT HE WAS!!! finally earning the closer's role after picking up bob wickman's cheeseburger wrappers last year, soriano's already hurt. for a team that has a lot of pieces back from a pretty good year last season, something just feels off. and yes, i know it's early. i look at the standings and if the braves win today they will have the same record after 11 games as the eventual world series champions do. but, in spite of what "the experts" might tell you, games in april freaking count!!! the only brave that seems to realize this? you guessed it. tim.
tim knows how fickle i am. he knows that i will turn on him like one of his hanging sliders if he starts to suck it up. but it will always be tough love even if it is conditional love. whatever venom i spew in his direction will only be because i want the best for him. because i know he is better than most. because if the braves have any shot to win the east or make the playoffs, he has to win twenty games. and most likely contend for the cy young. no pressure, right?
i love you, tim hudson. i'll write again soon.
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
misremembering
sometime in the bottom of the second inning of my softball game monday night, i found myself daydreaming. i don't know what brought it on. i don't know why, at that moment, i found myself lost in my memories. i am sure it had to do with where i was. who i was with. who i wasn't with. but i found myself thinking back to when i was a kid, living in a trailer park in pinson, probably fifteen to twenty stone throws away from where i was playing shortstop. man, that trailer. it's not often that i pull up to the softball fields and don't have one of my daymares. brief, desmond-type flashes that zoom me back to a past that haunts me and defines me all at the same time.
being in the trailer, a trailer, wasn't something i was ashamed of entirely. i guess, even in middle school, i was still too young to know that a trailer park wasn't cool. to know that most people chalked me and my brother up as rednecks as our bus picked us up. to know that people probably made fun of us because our home was, in fact, mobile. i wasn't aware of any of that then, and that is probably a good thing. i had good friends who never let on that they gave a shit about where i lived. not when we were playing nintendo. not when we were playing football in the mini-front yard. not when out-of-bounds was marked by our trailer and our neighbor's. we were fucking arena football before arena football even existed. who knew? i had a mother that never let on that our house was any different than any other house, even when the weather was bad. i've told this story to some before, but i vividly and accurately remember (something i don't have the luxury of doing often, accurately remembering that is.) hearing jerry tracy tell us that if we lived in a mobile home, we needed to find a safer place. "go lay in a ditch. do not stay in the deathtrap that is your home." ok, maybe he didn't say that, but it is common knowledge, now, that tornadoes hit trailers first. always. i would look back at my mom with what was surely the most panic-stricken face a thirteen year-old could forge and ask her if we should leave. she would just look down calmly at me and tell me we would be "fine." "if it's our time, it's our time." how fucked up is that??? don't tell me that! if we stay in the trailer and the wind picks us up and hurls us into a canyon, that's on us, mom!!! jerry warned us! it was no surprise, looking back, to find out the next morning, when the weather had passed, that we were fine. she was usually right about most things.
except the men she chose.
we all need love. and we all need attention. it's how god made us. i believe this. and i believe it's a good and great thing. that need. that search for a companion that might make us whole. that might make us better. that might bring us into closer relationship with our creator. some of us choose wisely. some of us, poorly. mom? she chose poorly. many times. i am glad that i am old enough to not hold those choices against her any more. without them, i wouldn't be me. it is true that, without them, i may not have daymares every time i drive through pinson, but that, too, is something i hold dear now, even if it's painful. it's just a bump in the road now. not the warp-zone to hell it used to be. and that means i've grown. that means i've gotten stronger. or it means i've gotten better at compartmentalizing and avoiding. either way is ok.
my conscious mind flashed forward in time for me to cleanly field a ground ball and make a nice throw to first. and as the inning ended i glanced over my shoulder to give a nod to my past, telling it to have a nice week and that i would see it again next monday.
elfreth johnson.
sometime in the bottom of the second inning of my softball game monday night, i found myself daydreaming. i don't know what brought it on. i don't know why, at that moment, i found myself lost in my memories. i am sure it had to do with where i was. who i was with. who i wasn't with. but i found myself thinking back to when i was a kid, living in a trailer park in pinson, probably fifteen to twenty stone throws away from where i was playing shortstop. man, that trailer. it's not often that i pull up to the softball fields and don't have one of my daymares. brief, desmond-type flashes that zoom me back to a past that haunts me and defines me all at the same time.
being in the trailer, a trailer, wasn't something i was ashamed of entirely. i guess, even in middle school, i was still too young to know that a trailer park wasn't cool. to know that most people chalked me and my brother up as rednecks as our bus picked us up. to know that people probably made fun of us because our home was, in fact, mobile. i wasn't aware of any of that then, and that is probably a good thing. i had good friends who never let on that they gave a shit about where i lived. not when we were playing nintendo. not when we were playing football in the mini-front yard. not when out-of-bounds was marked by our trailer and our neighbor's. we were fucking arena football before arena football even existed. who knew? i had a mother that never let on that our house was any different than any other house, even when the weather was bad. i've told this story to some before, but i vividly and accurately remember (something i don't have the luxury of doing often, accurately remembering that is.) hearing jerry tracy tell us that if we lived in a mobile home, we needed to find a safer place. "go lay in a ditch. do not stay in the deathtrap that is your home." ok, maybe he didn't say that, but it is common knowledge, now, that tornadoes hit trailers first. always. i would look back at my mom with what was surely the most panic-stricken face a thirteen year-old could forge and ask her if we should leave. she would just look down calmly at me and tell me we would be "fine." "if it's our time, it's our time." how fucked up is that??? don't tell me that! if we stay in the trailer and the wind picks us up and hurls us into a canyon, that's on us, mom!!! jerry warned us! it was no surprise, looking back, to find out the next morning, when the weather had passed, that we were fine. she was usually right about most things.
except the men she chose.
we all need love. and we all need attention. it's how god made us. i believe this. and i believe it's a good and great thing. that need. that search for a companion that might make us whole. that might make us better. that might bring us into closer relationship with our creator. some of us choose wisely. some of us, poorly. mom? she chose poorly. many times. i am glad that i am old enough to not hold those choices against her any more. without them, i wouldn't be me. it is true that, without them, i may not have daymares every time i drive through pinson, but that, too, is something i hold dear now, even if it's painful. it's just a bump in the road now. not the warp-zone to hell it used to be. and that means i've grown. that means i've gotten stronger. or it means i've gotten better at compartmentalizing and avoiding. either way is ok.
my conscious mind flashed forward in time for me to cleanly field a ground ball and make a nice throw to first. and as the inning ended i glanced over my shoulder to give a nod to my past, telling it to have a nice week and that i would see it again next monday.
elfreth johnson.
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
kissing my (proverbial) sister never felt so good
i won't waste too much of your time today, but you'd be disappointed if i didn't gloat just a little bit, wouldn't you? no. no, you wouldn't.
but i have to. i just have to. the comeback is too epic not to mention. in my bracket pool, midway through the second weekend of the tournament, i was buried and left for dead one spot above last place. but i pointed my fingers at the roof of that coffin, mini-flashlight in my mouth, and i started punching. and punching. and punching. saturday night, i broke through. saturday night, my kansas jayhawks (yes, i said it. my kansas jayhawks) beat "everyone"'s favorites, north carolina. game on.
i glanced at the pool and noticed that two people in the entire group picked kansas to win the title. and if they did? those two people would share claim to taking the humc bracket for a full year. memphis stood in the way as the dirt on my climb to the surface, but, after saturday night, it was inevitable. i would win that group. yessir, i would. and i did.
the only thing that will prevent me from being an insufferable buffoon over the next couple of days will be the fact that i have to share this prize with andy. but, if i have to kiss someone in my "family", i could do worse. congrats to you, too, my friend.
and, so, for the first time in five years (maybe more), i have restored what is right in the world and i have proved that i know more about sports than EVERYONE!!! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!
that, or i was pretty damn lucky that espn chose to weigh the championship game as heavy as they did (completely rendering false my theory that tourney pools are won or lost on the first weekend) and allowed me the means to complete the journey from (near) worst to first.
either way, i will enjoy this day.
"thank you...first off, i would like to thank mark gottfried..."
i won't waste too much of your time today, but you'd be disappointed if i didn't gloat just a little bit, wouldn't you? no. no, you wouldn't.
but i have to. i just have to. the comeback is too epic not to mention. in my bracket pool, midway through the second weekend of the tournament, i was buried and left for dead one spot above last place. but i pointed my fingers at the roof of that coffin, mini-flashlight in my mouth, and i started punching. and punching. and punching. saturday night, i broke through. saturday night, my kansas jayhawks (yes, i said it. my kansas jayhawks) beat "everyone"'s favorites, north carolina. game on.
i glanced at the pool and noticed that two people in the entire group picked kansas to win the title. and if they did? those two people would share claim to taking the humc bracket for a full year. memphis stood in the way as the dirt on my climb to the surface, but, after saturday night, it was inevitable. i would win that group. yessir, i would. and i did.
the only thing that will prevent me from being an insufferable buffoon over the next couple of days will be the fact that i have to share this prize with andy. but, if i have to kiss someone in my "family", i could do worse. congrats to you, too, my friend.
and, so, for the first time in five years (maybe more), i have restored what is right in the world and i have proved that i know more about sports than EVERYONE!!! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!
that, or i was pretty damn lucky that espn chose to weigh the championship game as heavy as they did (completely rendering false my theory that tourney pools are won or lost on the first weekend) and allowed me the means to complete the journey from (near) worst to first.
either way, i will enjoy this day.
"thank you...first off, i would like to thank mark gottfried..."
Saturday, April 05, 2008
143-9
i guess that's what i get. 143-9! the combined records of the four one seeds that will play in the final four tonight is 143-9. no drake. no butler. no gonzaga. even no davidson (although, listen. stephen curry won me over, too.). there aren't any "cinderella" stories to speak of, thank god. it's been funny and fun listening to espn drum up human interest stories and fictional conflicts between roy williams and the school he left behind to take the place of having an underdog to pimp. what we have today is simple. it's the best final four. ever. never have all the number one seeds made it to the final four. never until today. and where will i be? the freakin' store.
now, i am not asking you to cry for me, argentina. i am just bothered with myself. after intentionally scheduling my last two weeks with an eye towards maximum ncaa tourney watching, i posted this week's hours for all to see when something else must have been forefront in my mind. how else could this have happened? granted, i post my schedules eleven days out, so the sweet sixteen had yet to be played. i didn't know at the time that i was putting myself in danger of missing the five, best hours of basketball this college season (maybe any college season) would have to offer. maybe, subconsciously, i figured a davidson or louisville was going to crash the party anyway, therefore lessening the potential excitement, but i should have known. i should have known.
that's the way it goes i guess. i really can't complain. i have been able to watch more ball this year than ever. what's the big deal about missing tonight's games and the championship (due to softball)? really? not much in the grand scheme of things. but we don't live in the grand scheme of things, do we? we live in the day to day and we are very lucky if we can spare even a few minutes to think about "what is to come". and most days, that's ok.
today? i'll be a little raw that my wishes, as they relate to college basketball, came true and i won't be able to give the wish-granted my undivided attention. but by the time my head hits the pillow tonight, all will be right with the world again and i'll start hyping something else up in my head. something to get me out of bed the next morning with anticipation and excitement. something silly in the grand scheme of things.
but we don't live in the grand scheme of things, do we?
i guess that's what i get. 143-9! the combined records of the four one seeds that will play in the final four tonight is 143-9. no drake. no butler. no gonzaga. even no davidson (although, listen. stephen curry won me over, too.). there aren't any "cinderella" stories to speak of, thank god. it's been funny and fun listening to espn drum up human interest stories and fictional conflicts between roy williams and the school he left behind to take the place of having an underdog to pimp. what we have today is simple. it's the best final four. ever. never have all the number one seeds made it to the final four. never until today. and where will i be? the freakin' store.
now, i am not asking you to cry for me, argentina. i am just bothered with myself. after intentionally scheduling my last two weeks with an eye towards maximum ncaa tourney watching, i posted this week's hours for all to see when something else must have been forefront in my mind. how else could this have happened? granted, i post my schedules eleven days out, so the sweet sixteen had yet to be played. i didn't know at the time that i was putting myself in danger of missing the five, best hours of basketball this college season (maybe any college season) would have to offer. maybe, subconsciously, i figured a davidson or louisville was going to crash the party anyway, therefore lessening the potential excitement, but i should have known. i should have known.
that's the way it goes i guess. i really can't complain. i have been able to watch more ball this year than ever. what's the big deal about missing tonight's games and the championship (due to softball)? really? not much in the grand scheme of things. but we don't live in the grand scheme of things, do we? we live in the day to day and we are very lucky if we can spare even a few minutes to think about "what is to come". and most days, that's ok.
today? i'll be a little raw that my wishes, as they relate to college basketball, came true and i won't be able to give the wish-granted my undivided attention. but by the time my head hits the pillow tonight, all will be right with the world again and i'll start hyping something else up in my head. something to get me out of bed the next morning with anticipation and excitement. something silly in the grand scheme of things.
but we don't live in the grand scheme of things, do we?
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
elicit-tastic
yesterday, sarah shared with me a bit of news from the children's place that stirred me from my otherwise normal day. i don't think i am breaking any sort of confidence by forwarding this on to the blog, but if this post disappears sometime this evening, then you'll know i was wrong. moving on. evidently, a infant/toddler was sent to the daycare wearing a onesie with a phrase containing the word "fuck" blazed across the front. as you can imagine, i was ecstatic. my reaction ranged from "that is awesome." to "can i have the parents' number so i can date them?" to "where can we get caroline one of these onesies?". you may judge my reactions as sophomoric, immature and stupid if you'd like. you'd probably be right.
needless to say, it being a "church" daycare (a stance only seriously taken in situations such as these when when it fits the daycare's argument), everyone went into ape-shit mode. i will remove the names of those involved to prevent anyone (read: myself) from getting into trouble, but reactions in and around the hallways of the children's place ranged from "we've got to kick this kid out." to "we don't need these types of families in our school." (mmm. that's good church-speak.) to something along the lines of "this makes me want to have this kid here more so that we can play a role in raising them in a way that doesn't include this type of language." (thank god for sanity) personally, i would hope that my church's role in this child's upbringing doesn't completely clockwork orange all the "fucks" out of him, but i understand and appreciate the last sentiment much more than the first two.
because this is where we are. as a church. as a society. as a culture. and i, myself, am happy to be here. amidst the conversation. amidst the controversy. i wonder how you or anyone else might react if you saw an infant wearing the clothing in question. would you laugh because you thought it was funny? would you be offended like some of the daycare staffers were? would you be convinced that this was yet another sign of the fall of man? maybe some of all of these. maybe none. how would you react? and the better question is, "why?"
every so often, something like this hits us at the core of who we are. we react to it and that reaction goes a long way in defining our upbringing, our beliefs, our convictions and where we are headed as individual human beings. our reaction to something like a toddler wearing an "offensive" shirt calls into question if the shirt is a good or a bad thing. a funny or a foolish thing. the product of a parent that considers themself "cool" or a parent that is using their child as a tool to buck "the system" or "the man" because they don't feel like their voice, alone, is loud enough to be heard. but the way that we react says much, much more about us than it will ever say about the parent that put it on and most definitely about the oblivious child that is sporting the bad-ass-ed-ness without the ability to comprehend the hi-jinks that will ensue because of it.
so, what, ultimately, does it say about us? well, obviously it says something different to each different person, and that is part of the beauty of life. it is much easier to react like cattle and say something politically correct like "we don't need this type of riff-raff infecting our fine, upstanding institution of babysitting." it is much more difficult to take the picture with a widescreen lens and try to understand everything that led up to that child wearing that shirt on that day. to try and understand that it probably wasn't a stand-alone act of rebellion. that it could be something as simple as choosing the wrong vehicle for a poorly thought-out choice or something as complicated as a cry for help.
for me, i wish i was so brave to send caroline or hannah to school in something so garish that it would elicit a phone call from the chidren's place brass. alas, i am not. i blogged a long time ago that i hardly ever wore one of my favorite shirts because i didn't want to offend anyone. i am not the offending type. but offending and knowing why something is offensive are two, entirely different things.
the more unwilling our church or any church is to determine why something like a toddler wearing a shirt that says "...fuck..." is "offensive", the less relevant we become. the higher the wall between "us" and "them" is built. and the more exclusive our "club" is perceived. it's a shame. that toddler's shirt could have been the catalyst for a brilliant debate and discussion. instead, it devolved immediately into "us" versus "them", the two sides being argued by people that share the same sanctuary on sunday mornings.
thank you, "parent that will never be allowed to dress their child again", for showing "us" another example of how far "we" have to come.
yesterday, sarah shared with me a bit of news from the children's place that stirred me from my otherwise normal day. i don't think i am breaking any sort of confidence by forwarding this on to the blog, but if this post disappears sometime this evening, then you'll know i was wrong. moving on. evidently, a infant/toddler was sent to the daycare wearing a onesie with a phrase containing the word "fuck" blazed across the front. as you can imagine, i was ecstatic. my reaction ranged from "that is awesome." to "can i have the parents' number so i can date them?" to "where can we get caroline one of these onesies?". you may judge my reactions as sophomoric, immature and stupid if you'd like. you'd probably be right.
needless to say, it being a "church" daycare (a stance only seriously taken in situations such as these when when it fits the daycare's argument), everyone went into ape-shit mode. i will remove the names of those involved to prevent anyone (read: myself) from getting into trouble, but reactions in and around the hallways of the children's place ranged from "we've got to kick this kid out." to "we don't need these types of families in our school." (mmm. that's good church-speak.) to something along the lines of "this makes me want to have this kid here more so that we can play a role in raising them in a way that doesn't include this type of language." (thank god for sanity) personally, i would hope that my church's role in this child's upbringing doesn't completely clockwork orange all the "fucks" out of him, but i understand and appreciate the last sentiment much more than the first two.
because this is where we are. as a church. as a society. as a culture. and i, myself, am happy to be here. amidst the conversation. amidst the controversy. i wonder how you or anyone else might react if you saw an infant wearing the clothing in question. would you laugh because you thought it was funny? would you be offended like some of the daycare staffers were? would you be convinced that this was yet another sign of the fall of man? maybe some of all of these. maybe none. how would you react? and the better question is, "why?"
every so often, something like this hits us at the core of who we are. we react to it and that reaction goes a long way in defining our upbringing, our beliefs, our convictions and where we are headed as individual human beings. our reaction to something like a toddler wearing an "offensive" shirt calls into question if the shirt is a good or a bad thing. a funny or a foolish thing. the product of a parent that considers themself "cool" or a parent that is using their child as a tool to buck "the system" or "the man" because they don't feel like their voice, alone, is loud enough to be heard. but the way that we react says much, much more about us than it will ever say about the parent that put it on and most definitely about the oblivious child that is sporting the bad-ass-ed-ness without the ability to comprehend the hi-jinks that will ensue because of it.
so, what, ultimately, does it say about us? well, obviously it says something different to each different person, and that is part of the beauty of life. it is much easier to react like cattle and say something politically correct like "we don't need this type of riff-raff infecting our fine, upstanding institution of babysitting." it is much more difficult to take the picture with a widescreen lens and try to understand everything that led up to that child wearing that shirt on that day. to try and understand that it probably wasn't a stand-alone act of rebellion. that it could be something as simple as choosing the wrong vehicle for a poorly thought-out choice or something as complicated as a cry for help.
for me, i wish i was so brave to send caroline or hannah to school in something so garish that it would elicit a phone call from the chidren's place brass. alas, i am not. i blogged a long time ago that i hardly ever wore one of my favorite shirts because i didn't want to offend anyone. i am not the offending type. but offending and knowing why something is offensive are two, entirely different things.
the more unwilling our church or any church is to determine why something like a toddler wearing a shirt that says "...fuck..." is "offensive", the less relevant we become. the higher the wall between "us" and "them" is built. and the more exclusive our "club" is perceived. it's a shame. that toddler's shirt could have been the catalyst for a brilliant debate and discussion. instead, it devolved immediately into "us" versus "them", the two sides being argued by people that share the same sanctuary on sunday mornings.
thank you, "parent that will never be allowed to dress their child again", for showing "us" another example of how far "we" have to come.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
hannah and caroline and me
(part nine)
now that i am resting comfortably just one notch above last place in my ncaa bracket pool, i can step out of the "madness" and stop boring you with basketball-related posts.
today, i'll bring the focus back to my girls. my baby girl and my baby, baby girl to be specific. something is happening with hannah recently that has led me to question a lot of things about how she and i relate to each other. the lack of jealousy towards caroline that we noticed back in august and september is now starting to fade. she is not spiteful with caroline in any way. quite the contrary. every day, there is a moving example of hannah trying to calm her little sister down or cheer her up depending on which she thinks caroline needs. every day, she goes out of her way to give her little sister kisses or hugs (some too rough, admittedly). every day she sings to her or plays patty-cake. every day, you can tell that hannah is infatuated with the idea and reality of sharing her day with caroline and it is a beautiful thing to behold. one thing i am not so sure of, currently, is how well sharing mommy and daddy is sitting with the big sister.
hannah is starting to make comments to sarah about how "you don't smile like that at me, mommy." among other things that make it quite obvious that hannah is starving for some attention. we see and hear things that call for us and we immediately respond with a big hug and kiss or an invitation to sit in our lap or put a puzzle together, but it doesn't take long for us to slip back into "parent" mode and start questioning everything the big girl does.
seriously, parents that read this i am sure will just nod knowingly. and it is a good feeling to know that we are not sailing across uncharted waters, but it feels like we yell and dismiss and discourage hannah more often than we are sweet to her. it probably doesn't just feel like that. i am sure that this is the case. and there are reasons. let's face it. hannah can be a freaking brat. she loves getting her way, just as we all do. and the way that she reacts to not is exactly how we all react to not getting our way, but her reactions are contained in and projected through this 4 year-old package that can gnaw at our nerves 'til they fracture, tie the nerve back together and then chew it in half again just because she can. just yesterday morning, sarah commended me for being as patient as i was with hannah for she wanted to throw her across the room for me due to the obstinate behaviour that she was witnessing while feeding caroline. "throw her across the room?", you ask. doesn't that seem extreme? to that question i reply, either throw her or hit her in the face with a baseball bat. at that moment in time, at that very moment where hannah just chewed the same nerve in half for the second time, those present themselves to be the two most logical and practical options. time-out will not do. talking to her rationally is pointless. violence, then, must be the answer. right?
well, maybe not.
and then she gets her meow in her hand and sucks on her tongue. and i ask myself, has god ever presented me with a gift as great as this image? my baby girl with her protective blanket trancing out and losing herself in the comfort that meow bestows upon her. all parents have this or a like picture in their head i am sure. the one that must come to them when contemplating waterboarding their children. the one that makes their heart feel like it did when that baby girl or boy first came into the world and your heart had to grow a little to make room for them. every day that i get upset with hannah i also get to see her suck her tongue. every day i wish for days with no children, i see her calm and looking at me with her big, sweet eyes and i feel shame for ever wishing her out of my life.
and of course, now there is caroline. i don't know if i've defined her image that will set me free from tossing her out of a moving car just yet. maybe it will be her folding in half when being tickled. maybe it will be the way her eyes smile before her lips do. maybe it will be something else. it will be something, though.
i, absolutely, hate how much time i spend telling hannah what she can't do. but i suppose part of that is what being a parent is all about right now. it doesn't take having a psychologist in the house (although it helps) to see just how impressionable she is. you only have to spend ten minutes with her to see her influences that range from cartoon disney to books that we read to kaykay to teen disney to nickelodeon to sesame street to ms. peace and ms. lita and hopefully a little bit of her parents too. it is now that she is learning what's right and what's wrong. it is now that she's building the foundation of how she sees others, even others that don't look like her. and it's now, because of these things that we have to be stern and have to be sure we are putting her on the path of life that will allow her to be as graceful (in the biblical sense, not the athletic one) as possible as she gets older. it's a tall task and one that we will take seriously with both girls. but it still hurts sometimes.
a girl as sweet as the one that sucks her tongue doesn't deserve to be yelled at, right?
unfortunately, yes. yes, she does.
i love you, hannah. even when i'm "mean" .
(part nine)
now that i am resting comfortably just one notch above last place in my ncaa bracket pool, i can step out of the "madness" and stop boring you with basketball-related posts.
today, i'll bring the focus back to my girls. my baby girl and my baby, baby girl to be specific. something is happening with hannah recently that has led me to question a lot of things about how she and i relate to each other. the lack of jealousy towards caroline that we noticed back in august and september is now starting to fade. she is not spiteful with caroline in any way. quite the contrary. every day, there is a moving example of hannah trying to calm her little sister down or cheer her up depending on which she thinks caroline needs. every day, she goes out of her way to give her little sister kisses or hugs (some too rough, admittedly). every day she sings to her or plays patty-cake. every day, you can tell that hannah is infatuated with the idea and reality of sharing her day with caroline and it is a beautiful thing to behold. one thing i am not so sure of, currently, is how well sharing mommy and daddy is sitting with the big sister.
hannah is starting to make comments to sarah about how "you don't smile like that at me, mommy." among other things that make it quite obvious that hannah is starving for some attention. we see and hear things that call for us and we immediately respond with a big hug and kiss or an invitation to sit in our lap or put a puzzle together, but it doesn't take long for us to slip back into "parent" mode and start questioning everything the big girl does.
seriously, parents that read this i am sure will just nod knowingly. and it is a good feeling to know that we are not sailing across uncharted waters, but it feels like we yell and dismiss and discourage hannah more often than we are sweet to her. it probably doesn't just feel like that. i am sure that this is the case. and there are reasons. let's face it. hannah can be a freaking brat. she loves getting her way, just as we all do. and the way that she reacts to not is exactly how we all react to not getting our way, but her reactions are contained in and projected through this 4 year-old package that can gnaw at our nerves 'til they fracture, tie the nerve back together and then chew it in half again just because she can. just yesterday morning, sarah commended me for being as patient as i was with hannah for she wanted to throw her across the room for me due to the obstinate behaviour that she was witnessing while feeding caroline. "throw her across the room?", you ask. doesn't that seem extreme? to that question i reply, either throw her or hit her in the face with a baseball bat. at that moment in time, at that very moment where hannah just chewed the same nerve in half for the second time, those present themselves to be the two most logical and practical options. time-out will not do. talking to her rationally is pointless. violence, then, must be the answer. right?
well, maybe not.
and then she gets her meow in her hand and sucks on her tongue. and i ask myself, has god ever presented me with a gift as great as this image? my baby girl with her protective blanket trancing out and losing herself in the comfort that meow bestows upon her. all parents have this or a like picture in their head i am sure. the one that must come to them when contemplating waterboarding their children. the one that makes their heart feel like it did when that baby girl or boy first came into the world and your heart had to grow a little to make room for them. every day that i get upset with hannah i also get to see her suck her tongue. every day i wish for days with no children, i see her calm and looking at me with her big, sweet eyes and i feel shame for ever wishing her out of my life.
and of course, now there is caroline. i don't know if i've defined her image that will set me free from tossing her out of a moving car just yet. maybe it will be her folding in half when being tickled. maybe it will be the way her eyes smile before her lips do. maybe it will be something else. it will be something, though.
i, absolutely, hate how much time i spend telling hannah what she can't do. but i suppose part of that is what being a parent is all about right now. it doesn't take having a psychologist in the house (although it helps) to see just how impressionable she is. you only have to spend ten minutes with her to see her influences that range from cartoon disney to books that we read to kaykay to teen disney to nickelodeon to sesame street to ms. peace and ms. lita and hopefully a little bit of her parents too. it is now that she is learning what's right and what's wrong. it is now that she's building the foundation of how she sees others, even others that don't look like her. and it's now, because of these things that we have to be stern and have to be sure we are putting her on the path of life that will allow her to be as graceful (in the biblical sense, not the athletic one) as possible as she gets older. it's a tall task and one that we will take seriously with both girls. but it still hurts sometimes.
a girl as sweet as the one that sucks her tongue doesn't deserve to be yelled at, right?
unfortunately, yes. yes, she does.
i love you, hannah. even when i'm "mean" .
Friday, March 21, 2008
ladies and gentlemen...
we have our first shit game of the tournament! can you feel it?!?!?! can you feel the madness???
is this what you want to watch sunday? is it?? really???? the hilltoppers vs. the fucking toreros? woo-hoo! what the fuck is a torero?
i just hope that everyone out there that bitches and moans and hopes without end for these "upsets", these "cinderellas", puts their money where their mouth is and sits down on easter sunday to see which of these two titans will get slaughtered by ucla in the sweet sixteen. go get 'em 12 and 13 seeds. i hear this is what the tournament is all about. nevermind ucla won't have to play another decent team for ten days.
march madness, huh? fucking great.
i hate basketball.
update: that siena/villanova match-up should be a blast, too. awesome.
we have our first shit game of the tournament! can you feel it?!?!?! can you feel the madness???
is this what you want to watch sunday? is it?? really???? the hilltoppers vs. the fucking toreros? woo-hoo! what the fuck is a torero?
i just hope that everyone out there that bitches and moans and hopes without end for these "upsets", these "cinderellas", puts their money where their mouth is and sits down on easter sunday to see which of these two titans will get slaughtered by ucla in the sweet sixteen. go get 'em 12 and 13 seeds. i hear this is what the tournament is all about. nevermind ucla won't have to play another decent team for ten days.
march madness, huh? fucking great.
i hate basketball.
update: that siena/villanova match-up should be a blast, too. awesome.
looking ahead
(the day that was)
with the first day in the books, i am 12-4. not too bad. right around where everyone else is unless you really went out on a limb and picked against several higher seeds. if you had just picked higher seeds yesterday, you'd be sitting pretty at 14-2 and rank higher than 90 percent of the country. oh well. what's the fun in that, right? the only outcome that i am disappointed in is the usc loss. i've always been blinded by "stars" and usc and o.j. mayo forced me to wear shades. in addition to mayo, the trojans showcase three other future nba guys. sure they had lost ten games this year. maybe that should've weighed heavier than i let it. but last night, it didn't make a difference. k-state has michael beasley, the soon-to-be number one pick in the nba draft, and he was better than mayo. bill walker was way better than the next best performer for the trojans, and that was that. it wasn't an upset. k-state was the better team. but it was a perfectly painted picture of how quickly one's bracket can take serious hits. i had usc in the sweet sixteen, no further. so my chances are not ruined. yet. but all that has to happen is one team that you put too much faith in biting the dust and you are no longer in the running to win your pool.
the good news for me? i don't really have one of those teams. usc and marquette are both 6's and they are the only two teams that i have in my sweet sixteen that would even be considered mild surprises if they got there. everything else is pretty much chalk. which means two things. i was a lot less balls-y this year than i have been in the past. and, two, i will probably have, at least, a shot to be around the top until the last weekend. if any of my final four teams flop, so will yours. everyone has the same final four. give or take swapping a one seed for a two in any given region.
the only way that anyone is going to pull away this year is if there are major upsets, a mid-to-low seed makes it to san antonio, and you picked them because they are your favorite team and you never felt like you could pull the trigger and knock them out of your bracket. for example, cookie cundiff didn't miss a game yesterday. he's the leader after the first round. but his family is from indiana. he gushes over indiana basketball. and he has them picked to win the title. and unless eric gordon finds his inner jordan, well, that ain't happening. so, enjoy your day in the sun, cookie. i picked indiana too. today. unc will then relegate cookie's bracket to the bottom half of our pool come sunday.
if anything's to be gleaned from yesterday as i look forward to today and the rest of the weekend, it's that i don't see a george mason from two years ago (thank god!) happening. we may see a couple "upsets" today, but nothing huge is going to happen. and the romantics that root for that and then complain about the crappy basketball the rest of the way may be disappointed, but i will not.
no bold predictions here. just a comfortable resignation that this is going to be a very fun tournament to watch unfold, because all the "gutty" teams with "gritty", floppy-haired white guys with "something to prove" will be at home by sunday.
(the day that was)
with the first day in the books, i am 12-4. not too bad. right around where everyone else is unless you really went out on a limb and picked against several higher seeds. if you had just picked higher seeds yesterday, you'd be sitting pretty at 14-2 and rank higher than 90 percent of the country. oh well. what's the fun in that, right? the only outcome that i am disappointed in is the usc loss. i've always been blinded by "stars" and usc and o.j. mayo forced me to wear shades. in addition to mayo, the trojans showcase three other future nba guys. sure they had lost ten games this year. maybe that should've weighed heavier than i let it. but last night, it didn't make a difference. k-state has michael beasley, the soon-to-be number one pick in the nba draft, and he was better than mayo. bill walker was way better than the next best performer for the trojans, and that was that. it wasn't an upset. k-state was the better team. but it was a perfectly painted picture of how quickly one's bracket can take serious hits. i had usc in the sweet sixteen, no further. so my chances are not ruined. yet. but all that has to happen is one team that you put too much faith in biting the dust and you are no longer in the running to win your pool.
the good news for me? i don't really have one of those teams. usc and marquette are both 6's and they are the only two teams that i have in my sweet sixteen that would even be considered mild surprises if they got there. everything else is pretty much chalk. which means two things. i was a lot less balls-y this year than i have been in the past. and, two, i will probably have, at least, a shot to be around the top until the last weekend. if any of my final four teams flop, so will yours. everyone has the same final four. give or take swapping a one seed for a two in any given region.
the only way that anyone is going to pull away this year is if there are major upsets, a mid-to-low seed makes it to san antonio, and you picked them because they are your favorite team and you never felt like you could pull the trigger and knock them out of your bracket. for example, cookie cundiff didn't miss a game yesterday. he's the leader after the first round. but his family is from indiana. he gushes over indiana basketball. and he has them picked to win the title. and unless eric gordon finds his inner jordan, well, that ain't happening. so, enjoy your day in the sun, cookie. i picked indiana too. today. unc will then relegate cookie's bracket to the bottom half of our pool come sunday.
if anything's to be gleaned from yesterday as i look forward to today and the rest of the weekend, it's that i don't see a george mason from two years ago (thank god!) happening. we may see a couple "upsets" today, but nothing huge is going to happen. and the romantics that root for that and then complain about the crappy basketball the rest of the way may be disappointed, but i will not.
no bold predictions here. just a comfortable resignation that this is going to be a very fun tournament to watch unfold, because all the "gutty" teams with "gritty", floppy-haired white guys with "something to prove" will be at home by sunday.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
control of my own destiny
the first two days of the ncaa tournament have become, for many, the coolest two days of the year. the phrase "march madness" was coined because of these two days. not the final four. not the championship and conference tourney week leading up to the real tournament. these two days. everyone is the country is in at least one bracket pool. if they are not, they are just being non-conformist or stubborn and should be abandoned as friends. ok. not really. there are still some sane people out there that don't prioritize sports in their life quite as high as myself. but because of most of the country's, at the very least, casual interest in how their bracket stacks up next to their friends', we collectively watch or pay attention to 32 games in the span of two days and are sensitive to every result. these first two days, when you look back in three weeks, will be when you win or lose your pool. it's these first two days that prove your hunches right or wrong and leave you searching for answers when you have picked pittsburgh to make the elite eight again just because bobby knight looks menacing and says so.
for the first time in three years, i am in control of my own schedule again and was able to allow myself today and tomorrow off to soak in as much of the first two days as i can. i could hear the disappointment in sarah's voice when she realized the "real" reason i am at home today and tomorrow. i wish i could say that i had good friday and the girls being at home in mind firstly. i wish i could say that me being home on the same day that o.j. mayo and michael beasley played each other was a coincidence. i wish i could say that i am not so shallow as to intentionally schedule an entire work week around meaningless games. i wish i could say that, but i can't.
thus, it begins. think less of me if you want. i do.
i will say this. after my tongue-in-cheek cockiness from sunday wore off, i have never felt any less confident about my picks than i do this morning. we'll see how it all plays out. if a couple of first-round games go my way, i'll be right back to annoying as hell. just you wait. if this is the last post you see from me concerning the tournament, well, you know what happened.
i am going to hold off on my "bold" predictions until tomorrow, when i can use a day's worth of hindsight as my guide.
the first two days of the ncaa tournament have become, for many, the coolest two days of the year. the phrase "march madness" was coined because of these two days. not the final four. not the championship and conference tourney week leading up to the real tournament. these two days. everyone is the country is in at least one bracket pool. if they are not, they are just being non-conformist or stubborn and should be abandoned as friends. ok. not really. there are still some sane people out there that don't prioritize sports in their life quite as high as myself. but because of most of the country's, at the very least, casual interest in how their bracket stacks up next to their friends', we collectively watch or pay attention to 32 games in the span of two days and are sensitive to every result. these first two days, when you look back in three weeks, will be when you win or lose your pool. it's these first two days that prove your hunches right or wrong and leave you searching for answers when you have picked pittsburgh to make the elite eight again just because bobby knight looks menacing and says so.
for the first time in three years, i am in control of my own schedule again and was able to allow myself today and tomorrow off to soak in as much of the first two days as i can. i could hear the disappointment in sarah's voice when she realized the "real" reason i am at home today and tomorrow. i wish i could say that i had good friday and the girls being at home in mind firstly. i wish i could say that me being home on the same day that o.j. mayo and michael beasley played each other was a coincidence. i wish i could say that i am not so shallow as to intentionally schedule an entire work week around meaningless games. i wish i could say that, but i can't.
thus, it begins. think less of me if you want. i do.
i will say this. after my tongue-in-cheek cockiness from sunday wore off, i have never felt any less confident about my picks than i do this morning. we'll see how it all plays out. if a couple of first-round games go my way, i'll be right back to annoying as hell. just you wait. if this is the last post you see from me concerning the tournament, well, you know what happened.
i am going to hold off on my "bold" predictions until tomorrow, when i can use a day's worth of hindsight as my guide.
Monday, March 17, 2008
the answer is, "no."
(the question is, "am i not in too many ncaa bracket groups already?"
our group is created and waiting on your entry. obviously, for those of you that like to procrastinate, you have until tip-time of the first game on thursday to complete your bracket and find your way to our group. doing that, though, will not allow you to second, third and fourth-guess your initial, gut picks (which tend to be the right ones in the end). most of you have already received our invitation by e-mail i suppose, but i do know of a few readers (cough, father-in-law, cough) that i don't have your address saved in my contact list.
for anyone that happens across this site and would like to join our fun, feel free! it's like communion in the united methodist church. all are welcome to the table.
anyway, here are the particulars.
go to espn's tournament challenge. create your entry. then pick "join a group".
our group name is "Friends of HuffmanUMC".
our password is humc.
that's it. pretty simple. have fun, and let the trash-talking begin!
(the question is, "am i not in too many ncaa bracket groups already?"
our group is created and waiting on your entry. obviously, for those of you that like to procrastinate, you have until tip-time of the first game on thursday to complete your bracket and find your way to our group. doing that, though, will not allow you to second, third and fourth-guess your initial, gut picks (which tend to be the right ones in the end). most of you have already received our invitation by e-mail i suppose, but i do know of a few readers (cough, father-in-law, cough) that i don't have your address saved in my contact list.
for anyone that happens across this site and would like to join our fun, feel free! it's like communion in the united methodist church. all are welcome to the table.
anyway, here are the particulars.
go to espn's tournament challenge. create your entry. then pick "join a group".
our group name is "Friends of HuffmanUMC".
our password is humc.
that's it. pretty simple. have fun, and let the trash-talking begin!
Sunday, March 16, 2008
why, brackets, of course!!!
(part two)
you'd be disappointed if i didn't say something about the brackets, right? no. no, you wouldn't. the only thing in sports more annoying to hear about than someone else's fantasy football team is their bracket(s) come march madness. but, it's tradition.
this year will be a little different, though. i am writing today before the brackets are revealed, and i am writing to tell you this. this year is my year. it's been a couple years, now, since i've taken my bracket pool. i am convinced that this year is my year for one simple reason. i have watched less college basketball this 2007-2008 season than i have in five years. it's not even close. and because of this simple fact, i already feel like i am the leader in the clubhouse.
"why?", you ask. having watched very little college basketball will prevent me from getting hung up on things like "what team i think is good" and "this team really hung with north carolina back in november". i have no idea who carolina played in november, and that lack of knowledge should serve me beautifully.
i enter this year's competition with these few things in my favor. 1) i do still spend a lot of time online with espn, si and tons of blogs, so i am not completely uninformed as to who "should" perform well. 2) i care nothing about mid-majors. never have. never will. this means that i will better at least a couple folks in my pool that fall under jay bilas' spell and believe drake will make the second weekend. 3) most importantly, i am not a girl. this should, at the very least, place me above sarah, donna, amy, katie and any other female that should dare step into our battle for bragging rights. i will not be swayed by team colors, player "cute"ness or any other random girl factor.
you may be wondering where my confidence comes from. you may not. if you were, it's mark gottfried. yep. that mark gottfried. having complete faith in his inability to manage a talented alabama team without an injured ronald steele allowed me to tune out college basketball back in early december. mark gottfried's name will be the first one spoken when i hand myself the trophy in just over three weeks. heck, i will go ahead and count my chickens before they hatch and throw a big "thank you" mark's direction this afternoon. you've earned it, sir. as kiker, andy and i (among others) agreed on many years back, the best thing that can be said about mark gottfried's coaching is that he's a great recruiter. roll tide.
as soon as i've created the "friends of huffman" pool, i'll post the link here as well as e-mail it out. feel free to join us. there is no money involved. just the opportunity to make me eat my words and prove yourself more adept at using very little skill and very little reason to pick winners of college basketball games than your friends.
i'll toss out a few bad and random predictions before the games begin. 'til then, pick responsibly.
(part two)
you'd be disappointed if i didn't say something about the brackets, right? no. no, you wouldn't. the only thing in sports more annoying to hear about than someone else's fantasy football team is their bracket(s) come march madness. but, it's tradition.
this year will be a little different, though. i am writing today before the brackets are revealed, and i am writing to tell you this. this year is my year. it's been a couple years, now, since i've taken my bracket pool. i am convinced that this year is my year for one simple reason. i have watched less college basketball this 2007-2008 season than i have in five years. it's not even close. and because of this simple fact, i already feel like i am the leader in the clubhouse.
"why?", you ask. having watched very little college basketball will prevent me from getting hung up on things like "what team i think is good" and "this team really hung with north carolina back in november". i have no idea who carolina played in november, and that lack of knowledge should serve me beautifully.
i enter this year's competition with these few things in my favor. 1) i do still spend a lot of time online with espn, si and tons of blogs, so i am not completely uninformed as to who "should" perform well. 2) i care nothing about mid-majors. never have. never will. this means that i will better at least a couple folks in my pool that fall under jay bilas' spell and believe drake will make the second weekend. 3) most importantly, i am not a girl. this should, at the very least, place me above sarah, donna, amy, katie and any other female that should dare step into our battle for bragging rights. i will not be swayed by team colors, player "cute"ness or any other random girl factor.
you may be wondering where my confidence comes from. you may not. if you were, it's mark gottfried. yep. that mark gottfried. having complete faith in his inability to manage a talented alabama team without an injured ronald steele allowed me to tune out college basketball back in early december. mark gottfried's name will be the first one spoken when i hand myself the trophy in just over three weeks. heck, i will go ahead and count my chickens before they hatch and throw a big "thank you" mark's direction this afternoon. you've earned it, sir. as kiker, andy and i (among others) agreed on many years back, the best thing that can be said about mark gottfried's coaching is that he's a great recruiter. roll tide.
as soon as i've created the "friends of huffman" pool, i'll post the link here as well as e-mail it out. feel free to join us. there is no money involved. just the opportunity to make me eat my words and prove yourself more adept at using very little skill and very little reason to pick winners of college basketball games than your friends.
i'll toss out a few bad and random predictions before the games begin. 'til then, pick responsibly.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
defining relevant
i am firm believer in the science of "word of mouth". i have yet to experience a more accurate predictor of "relevance" than listening to what people are saying about a certain movie, person, organization, etc. that being the the case, the what that people are saying doesn't mean nearly as much, as it concerns someone or something being relevant, as that they are saying anything at all. if word of mouth is trending towards the positive end of the spectrum, great! if word of mouth is trending negative, that's great too! what matters is that people care enough about your product to share it (or what they think of it) with someone else. obviously, the more negative the word of mouth becomes, the smaller your relevancy windows becomes. but, it works exactly the same if word of mouth is positive. the snowball moves uphill at the same speed as it does down. which brings me to today's point.
when was the last time that huffman united methodist church generated any word of mouth, positive or negative, outside of it's own walls? more specifically, when was the last time that we created or sprung a ministry with an eye towards reaching our community and efforting to revitalize and recharge our own congregation that stuck? something that remains current and relevant inside and outside our church today.
your guess is as good as mine. i posed this question to a friend of mine the other day and i still haven't been able to come up with a good answer. i, honestly, don't think that my memory stretches back far enough. and that, more than anything else, sums up where huffman is. we are a church that talks a lot about ourselves. we "do" a lot of things that make us feel busy. but no one outside of our walls is talking about us. we are a body at rest tending towards remaining at rest. a look at a few kind-of recent examples...
the "hispanic congregation"
this one has at least got us talking. let us all remember that positive or negative word of mouth is a good thing. the more appropriate question as it relates to the lifeblood of the church, though, is whether or not this ministry is invoking any conversation, english or spanish, around the community. we'll continue to track this one...
gracelink
wow. hardly worth mentioning outside of the fact that it's a prime example of inertia. the brainchild before the brainchild of our exited pastor, rick owen, this one never had any support or foothold within humc, much less outside of it's walls. word of mouth grade? F-
the charles lee experiment
this one actually registers on the word of mouth scale. for about six months, humc was relevant. granted, it's the same kind of relevancy that a massive crash on the freeway exhibits. we had more rubberneckers looking in from the outside hopeful that no one was dead, but people were, at the very least, whispering about us. the move to bring charles on was doomed to begin with. it's funny how a congregation reacts when they have no say in the matter, isn't it? no, no it's not. but it is predictable. after the "six months of negativity" snowball reached the bottom of the hill, we failed to "matter" anymore. at that point, those of us that were left behind were just fighting for the life jackets. thankfully, the plug on the experiment was pulled before we all floated to the bottom of the ocean as large chunks of ice. whether it was pulled too late to repair the damage that was incurred is still up in the air, just not very high up in the air. word of mouth grade? C-
heartsong
we are starting to reach way back, aren't we? i wasn't even going to church when this baby started, let alone thinking of working for it. this is maybe the last time that you can see huffman slightly ahead of the curve. through some dogged determination and some very hard and fast work by what ended up being a fairly small group, humc created a contemporary worship service that not only stirred some positive word of mouth, but also brought new sheep into our fold. new sheep that weren't satisfied with the idea of being sheep, but sheep that wanted to learn how to lead, and lead they have. heartsong rode an uphill snowball for a full year before the church, corporate, decided to pull it's full support. after that, positive things still happened and creative juices still flowed, but the ball was already beginning to move in the wrong direction. the service can be directly or indirectly thanked for inspiring a church planter, a now-appointed pastor, at least two church staffers, several new members and "regular visitors" to humc, the purchase of a lot of expensive sound and media equipment and way more good memories than bad. that is some good relevancy. word of mouth grade? B
and that's it, folks. that's the list. that's all i can come up with in my very limited memory. please don't take this as me discounting all of the important and vital ongoing ministries at the church. angel tree (having spawned the idea for the current apple tree), adopt-a-child, vacation bible school and others that i know i am leaving out. these are critical to our congregation, and yes, in some instances, to those that we touch outside. by definition, these are in-reach ministries, though, not outreach.
which brings today's topic back full-circle. what is it that we can do to be worth talking about again? is there anything we can do, save vandalizing other churches in the proud name of humc in the hopes that people realize we are still there? across the street from us, word of life white-flighted (go ahead, argue with me the ethnic make-up of their congregation. i will then introduce you to their pastor.) out to highway 11 and what happened across the street? a congregation (maybe the same, old congregation??? you wanna bet??? c'mon. let's bet.) moves right in, taking up our parking spaces because we don't use them. hey, i have a great idea. let's move into that empty church across from huffman methodist. we'll call it "the worship center". it'll blow up. really." really? well, yeah, it worked. what are they doing that we aren't? has anyone asked?
i am this close to slipping back into my apathy-induced coma that i awoke from last fall. and the reason? because i don't feel like i have anything to talk about. i work in huffman, people!!! i'll start the snowball.
just give me something to talk about.
i am firm believer in the science of "word of mouth". i have yet to experience a more accurate predictor of "relevance" than listening to what people are saying about a certain movie, person, organization, etc. that being the the case, the what that people are saying doesn't mean nearly as much, as it concerns someone or something being relevant, as that they are saying anything at all. if word of mouth is trending towards the positive end of the spectrum, great! if word of mouth is trending negative, that's great too! what matters is that people care enough about your product to share it (or what they think of it) with someone else. obviously, the more negative the word of mouth becomes, the smaller your relevancy windows becomes. but, it works exactly the same if word of mouth is positive. the snowball moves uphill at the same speed as it does down. which brings me to today's point.
when was the last time that huffman united methodist church generated any word of mouth, positive or negative, outside of it's own walls? more specifically, when was the last time that we created or sprung a ministry with an eye towards reaching our community and efforting to revitalize and recharge our own congregation that stuck? something that remains current and relevant inside and outside our church today.
your guess is as good as mine. i posed this question to a friend of mine the other day and i still haven't been able to come up with a good answer. i, honestly, don't think that my memory stretches back far enough. and that, more than anything else, sums up where huffman is. we are a church that talks a lot about ourselves. we "do" a lot of things that make us feel busy. but no one outside of our walls is talking about us. we are a body at rest tending towards remaining at rest. a look at a few kind-of recent examples...
the "hispanic congregation"
this one has at least got us talking. let us all remember that positive or negative word of mouth is a good thing. the more appropriate question as it relates to the lifeblood of the church, though, is whether or not this ministry is invoking any conversation, english or spanish, around the community. we'll continue to track this one...
gracelink
wow. hardly worth mentioning outside of the fact that it's a prime example of inertia. the brainchild before the brainchild of our exited pastor, rick owen, this one never had any support or foothold within humc, much less outside of it's walls. word of mouth grade? F-
the charles lee experiment
this one actually registers on the word of mouth scale. for about six months, humc was relevant. granted, it's the same kind of relevancy that a massive crash on the freeway exhibits. we had more rubberneckers looking in from the outside hopeful that no one was dead, but people were, at the very least, whispering about us. the move to bring charles on was doomed to begin with. it's funny how a congregation reacts when they have no say in the matter, isn't it? no, no it's not. but it is predictable. after the "six months of negativity" snowball reached the bottom of the hill, we failed to "matter" anymore. at that point, those of us that were left behind were just fighting for the life jackets. thankfully, the plug on the experiment was pulled before we all floated to the bottom of the ocean as large chunks of ice. whether it was pulled too late to repair the damage that was incurred is still up in the air, just not very high up in the air. word of mouth grade? C-
heartsong
we are starting to reach way back, aren't we? i wasn't even going to church when this baby started, let alone thinking of working for it. this is maybe the last time that you can see huffman slightly ahead of the curve. through some dogged determination and some very hard and fast work by what ended up being a fairly small group, humc created a contemporary worship service that not only stirred some positive word of mouth, but also brought new sheep into our fold. new sheep that weren't satisfied with the idea of being sheep, but sheep that wanted to learn how to lead, and lead they have. heartsong rode an uphill snowball for a full year before the church, corporate, decided to pull it's full support. after that, positive things still happened and creative juices still flowed, but the ball was already beginning to move in the wrong direction. the service can be directly or indirectly thanked for inspiring a church planter, a now-appointed pastor, at least two church staffers, several new members and "regular visitors" to humc, the purchase of a lot of expensive sound and media equipment and way more good memories than bad. that is some good relevancy. word of mouth grade? B
and that's it, folks. that's the list. that's all i can come up with in my very limited memory. please don't take this as me discounting all of the important and vital ongoing ministries at the church. angel tree (having spawned the idea for the current apple tree), adopt-a-child, vacation bible school and others that i know i am leaving out. these are critical to our congregation, and yes, in some instances, to those that we touch outside. by definition, these are in-reach ministries, though, not outreach.
which brings today's topic back full-circle. what is it that we can do to be worth talking about again? is there anything we can do, save vandalizing other churches in the proud name of humc in the hopes that people realize we are still there? across the street from us, word of life white-flighted (go ahead, argue with me the ethnic make-up of their congregation. i will then introduce you to their pastor.) out to highway 11 and what happened across the street? a congregation (maybe the same, old congregation??? you wanna bet??? c'mon. let's bet.) moves right in, taking up our parking spaces because we don't use them. hey, i have a great idea. let's move into that empty church across from huffman methodist. we'll call it "the worship center". it'll blow up. really." really? well, yeah, it worked. what are they doing that we aren't? has anyone asked?
i am this close to slipping back into my apathy-induced coma that i awoke from last fall. and the reason? because i don't feel like i have anything to talk about. i work in huffman, people!!! i'll start the snowball.
just give me something to talk about.
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
finally
it's been a while since something interesting enough to write about has happened at the church, but a 500 lb. gorilla is lurking in the shadows, just waiting to get out.
the gorilla's name? the hispanics. that's right. nothing like a little racial tension to stir us out of our collective stupor, and, by george, we've been stirred.
the origin story of there even being a hispanic connection in huffman united methodist is shady at best. the reason for this is that it was one man's thing and that one man is now gone. rev. rick owen spoke (poorly) a little spanish and used that as a means to begin (broken) conversations with hispanic leaders in our community. or, so the story goes. while i was on staff, we just kind of took his word that these conversations were actually happening. we didn't see much proof of it. in huffman united methodist church, it takes months and months of meetings and conversation for anything new to happen (see: small groups and "diversity"). unless you are the senior pastor that is. if the senior pastor wants to push something through without the burden of red tape, it can happen. and it did (see: gracelink and the hispanic ministry).
well, lo and behold and all of a sudden, a group led by rev. ruben clemente was offered our parlor for worship services held in spanish that would take place after huffman's traditional worship service. the ministry has since found considerable foothold and made itself a significant presence in and around the church. we have shared a worship service or two with the "hispanic congregation". we have tried to embrace, as a church, our similarities and championed humc's growing diversity without paying much attention to the fact that we can't really communicate with the "hispanic congregation". nevertheless, the hispanic group is growing, which is a great thing. what we are starting to see, though, is that "they" are now growing into areas of the church that are making casual members stand up and take notice. after things ended up broken in the parlor, the hispanic group moved down to the youth center. youth break stuff all the time. no one will care if "they" are down there. well, no one but maybe the youth department and their parents. but they are growing small in number too, so they won't make too much noise. presently, the hispanic group worships in the "youth center" on sunday mornings. during the week, they hold various meetings and bible studies throughout the education building. this wasn't too big of a deal until shit started turning up missing. that and children's place teachers started finding their shit broken or their rooms in disarray. and now it's starting to become a big deal, which i think is awesome. on a lot of different levels.
the biggest point that will ultimately prove to be the biggest issue is whether huffman's english-speaking congregation and spanish-speaking congregation are one and the same, separated only by a language barrier. are we working towards to the same goal? the same mission (if i don't know our mission, my guess is that the hispanics do not either)? or is ruben's group just using our church as a place to worship and rent temporarily as if they are a church plant. either way is fine. in my opinion, it just needs to be defined. if we knew one way or another, we could process both group's motives as they relate to each other and move forward. right now, though, we are moving towards dark and tired territory.
i have realized, first-hand, that huffman's link to la iglesia de hispana de huffman, rev. ruben clemente, has a difficult time carrying on a conversation in english. most of his members can do no more than make eye contact with those of us not fluent in spanish. so, how exactly are we supposed to communicate? until we find a good and measured way to do so, racial tension will continue to build. stereotypes on either "side" of the issue are already being perpetuated. as a (former insider) born-again outsider, it's kind of fun and interesting to be a part of, but it's also kind of scary. churches are way too politically correct as it is. when it comes to race, we tend to become extremely pc. the last thing we would want to do is offend out of ignorance. but, the bottom line is that a decision was made for humc by a pastor that didn't ask the congregation for assistance, and now we are the united states trying to figure out what to do with an inconvenient situation that a former "commander-in-chief" has left us to handle.
do we ask ruben and his group to find somewhere else to worship? that sounds pretty close-minded and contrary to the united methodist slogan. or, do we ask the hispanic ministry to find ways to intentionally wire themselves into the current infrastructure of humc, the humc that is very white and not very open to change? that seems to set both the hispanic congregation and the "traditional" one up for failure.
so, what to do? what to do? our current senior pastor is not going to step on anyone's toes, which can be a good thing and a bad thing. our membership is pretty awesome, thank you, at passive-aggressively running people off that scare us out of our collective comfort zone. i don't know the answer. i am not sure if i've settled it all out in my head just yet. in the short term, though, if there are not some very evident boundaries and means of accountability set up very soon, things will be coming to a head in the not-too-distant future. and something will happen in the church that should never happen but always does. a line will be drawn in the sand and people will be asked, subconsciously, to take a side, further dividing the local and universal church and further proving everyone that laughs at christianity's grand efforts correct in their assessment that we have no idea what we are doing.
should be interesting to see how it all plays out. and believe me, it will play out.
"let those that have ears to hear (english), hear."
and what of those that don't?
it's been a while since something interesting enough to write about has happened at the church, but a 500 lb. gorilla is lurking in the shadows, just waiting to get out.
the gorilla's name? the hispanics. that's right. nothing like a little racial tension to stir us out of our collective stupor, and, by george, we've been stirred.
the origin story of there even being a hispanic connection in huffman united methodist is shady at best. the reason for this is that it was one man's thing and that one man is now gone. rev. rick owen spoke (poorly) a little spanish and used that as a means to begin (broken) conversations with hispanic leaders in our community. or, so the story goes. while i was on staff, we just kind of took his word that these conversations were actually happening. we didn't see much proof of it. in huffman united methodist church, it takes months and months of meetings and conversation for anything new to happen (see: small groups and "diversity"). unless you are the senior pastor that is. if the senior pastor wants to push something through without the burden of red tape, it can happen. and it did (see: gracelink and the hispanic ministry).
well, lo and behold and all of a sudden, a group led by rev. ruben clemente was offered our parlor for worship services held in spanish that would take place after huffman's traditional worship service. the ministry has since found considerable foothold and made itself a significant presence in and around the church. we have shared a worship service or two with the "hispanic congregation". we have tried to embrace, as a church, our similarities and championed humc's growing diversity without paying much attention to the fact that we can't really communicate with the "hispanic congregation". nevertheless, the hispanic group is growing, which is a great thing. what we are starting to see, though, is that "they" are now growing into areas of the church that are making casual members stand up and take notice. after things ended up broken in the parlor, the hispanic group moved down to the youth center. youth break stuff all the time. no one will care if "they" are down there. well, no one but maybe the youth department and their parents. but they are growing small in number too, so they won't make too much noise. presently, the hispanic group worships in the "youth center" on sunday mornings. during the week, they hold various meetings and bible studies throughout the education building. this wasn't too big of a deal until shit started turning up missing. that and children's place teachers started finding their shit broken or their rooms in disarray. and now it's starting to become a big deal, which i think is awesome. on a lot of different levels.
the biggest point that will ultimately prove to be the biggest issue is whether huffman's english-speaking congregation and spanish-speaking congregation are one and the same, separated only by a language barrier. are we working towards to the same goal? the same mission (if i don't know our mission, my guess is that the hispanics do not either)? or is ruben's group just using our church as a place to worship and rent temporarily as if they are a church plant. either way is fine. in my opinion, it just needs to be defined. if we knew one way or another, we could process both group's motives as they relate to each other and move forward. right now, though, we are moving towards dark and tired territory.
i have realized, first-hand, that huffman's link to la iglesia de hispana de huffman, rev. ruben clemente, has a difficult time carrying on a conversation in english. most of his members can do no more than make eye contact with those of us not fluent in spanish. so, how exactly are we supposed to communicate? until we find a good and measured way to do so, racial tension will continue to build. stereotypes on either "side" of the issue are already being perpetuated. as a (former insider) born-again outsider, it's kind of fun and interesting to be a part of, but it's also kind of scary. churches are way too politically correct as it is. when it comes to race, we tend to become extremely pc. the last thing we would want to do is offend out of ignorance. but, the bottom line is that a decision was made for humc by a pastor that didn't ask the congregation for assistance, and now we are the united states trying to figure out what to do with an inconvenient situation that a former "commander-in-chief" has left us to handle.
do we ask ruben and his group to find somewhere else to worship? that sounds pretty close-minded and contrary to the united methodist slogan. or, do we ask the hispanic ministry to find ways to intentionally wire themselves into the current infrastructure of humc, the humc that is very white and not very open to change? that seems to set both the hispanic congregation and the "traditional" one up for failure.
so, what to do? what to do? our current senior pastor is not going to step on anyone's toes, which can be a good thing and a bad thing. our membership is pretty awesome, thank you, at passive-aggressively running people off that scare us out of our collective comfort zone. i don't know the answer. i am not sure if i've settled it all out in my head just yet. in the short term, though, if there are not some very evident boundaries and means of accountability set up very soon, things will be coming to a head in the not-too-distant future. and something will happen in the church that should never happen but always does. a line will be drawn in the sand and people will be asked, subconsciously, to take a side, further dividing the local and universal church and further proving everyone that laughs at christianity's grand efforts correct in their assessment that we have no idea what we are doing.
should be interesting to see how it all plays out. and believe me, it will play out.
"let those that have ears to hear (english), hear."
and what of those that don't?
Monday, March 03, 2008
i am not peyton manning
through two weeks of flag football, my vital statistics read as such. three touchdown passes, four interceptions (one pick six) and zero wins. that's it. that's all you need to know. as quarterback of the birminghamandcheese, i have been downright horrible. i wish i could fall back on the tried and true cliche' of it being a long season, but it really isn't. we probably have to go 4-2 the rest of the way to even have a chance of sneaking into the playoffs. could it happen? sure, i guess. is it probable? well, you are asking the wrong person, only 24 hours removed from me completely ruining 11 guys' perfect sunday afternoon. i don't regret taking on the role of quarterback. i think i can do well, but, shit. every position on the field is dependant on the decisions and throws that i make. yesterday, not one of either was positive.
i hope i feel better about things in a couple days. i hope i can get excited again about playing and having a good time with my friends. right now, i feel like an incredibly less-talented version of ryan leaf. full of potential and expectations, signifying nothing. ugh.
in other dreadful news, the dog whisperers have already passed on the idea of darren mcfadden as their future and promised 15 million dollars to a back-up running back that has scored six touchdowns in his four-year career. awesome. the only thing that could make that decision any worse is if he is going to share carries with a guy from mississippi state. oh, wait.
is it softball season yet?
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