it's lebron's world. we're all just squirrels, tryin' to get a nut.


we all have things that we are inherently good at. at least one thing. maybe more than one, but we all have that one thing. could be sewing. could be eating. could be blowing smoke circles. could be writing. could be speaking without saying "uh" and "like". could be fixing cars. could be surgery. could be having babies. could be listening. i think that's mine. but that is beside my point tonight.

we all aren't lucky enough to have our one thing be some thing that society cares about. like sports. like basketball. like lebron james. lebron james is really, really good at basketball. too good. and he knows it. nike knows it. "we are all witnesses." what a great ad. it's spot on. teams that play lebron know it...

...and use it to their advantage.

what? to their advantage? that doesn't make sense. but it does. over the course of my sports-watching life, i've seen people that play their sport as well as lebron does his. take tonight for example. he scores 20 of his team's first 25 points. he's unstoppable. and he knows it. but so do the wizards. in the second half, they goad him and his teammates into playing one on five, and as good as lebron is, he is only as good as he can also make his teammates, and his teammates were all standing around watching him instead of playing. it was a train wreck.

i am feeling pulled toward talking about gifts and many parts, one body and things of that nature, but that's not where i want to go. where i want to go is to say that we are all more likely to have our one thing used against us more often than we are to use it to the advantage of our team. because like lebron, some times we are just too selfish not to.

dammit. if you are good at something, what the fuck good does it do if you keep it all for yourself? or use it to step on or over someone to get where you need to go. if you can sing, sing somewhere other than your car so it makes someone's day better. if you can write, type out a letter to someone that needs to hear from you. if you can talk, pray out loud for those that are too shy for their own good. if you can listen, shut the fuck up and listen. but if you find yourself double-teamed, pass the damn ball.

we are only as good in this short, short life as the person next to us. we may know that person next to us. we may not. who cares. it doesn't have to be lonely at the top. i swear it doesn't. but it can be if we let it.

trust.

every.

one.

hannah and me (part ten)
a matter of tract


i wrote a few months ago about how i wished that i had a place like sarah's grandfather's house to take hannah in order to engage in the same type of trip down memory lane that her family experiences everytime they travel to cartersville, ga. if i have a place close to that, it may be east lake park. my mother's father took my brother brian and i there every time we went to his and granny's house. either to walk around the track, to fish, to play on the the playground, to feed the ducks, to fly kites, to watch flag-football games, to football practice, to eat push-up pops, etc. it was a special place.

on a whim, we took hannah to east lake park today and it revved up my dysfunctional memory banks into as close to working order as they now get when i remember back when. the park and lake had changed since i last patronized them. the grass around the lake wasn't well kept. the gravel on the sidewalk wasn't as smooth. the concession stand wasn't open. no flag football. i don't fish.

but there were ducks. the main reason for our going didn't let us down. hannah had no idea what was in store for her when we asked if she wanted to go feed the ducks. but feed the ducks she did. big ducks, baby ducks, and every duck in between tickled her as we threw them bread.

a funny thing happened to us, though, on our way around the lake. about halfway around, we were encountered by an elderly man that stopped us and asked if we were going to heaven. we told him that we hoped so, and he used the moment as an excuse to pray for us. we held hands with him and repeated his simple prayer asking god to allow us into heaven after we died. the prayer was no more complex than "now i lay me down to sleep...", but the gesture strikes me as much more now that i sit here. i imagine the man, widowed (which may or may not be the case), going home at night and waking up tomorrow, if he's lucky, to suit up and make his way back to the park to do what he feels like he can for the lord for as long as he's here.

as we left the tract carrying, praying for strangers, nice as he could be old man, sarah said, "we probably didn't need that, but i bet we just made his day." she may be right. we may not have needed that prayer and that tract, but the more sweet people that are praying for my daughter, well, i will take.

i am so tired today. this day, very well, could have come and passed without me having anything to remember it by. how quickly i have already taken for granted being home with sarah and hannah full-time. but now i have my ducks, hannah's ducks, and the old man to remind me that every day has the potential to be a great day.

thank you, sir.

hannah and me (part nine)
dear diary


damn. tonight was kind of tough. as far as nights home with the family go, tonight was stressful. and who, pray tell, was pubic enemy number one? the baby girl. the apple of my eye. the light of my world. little miss, little miss, little miss can't be wrong (for all you spin doctors fans out there). the sweet, precious baby girl. the same baby girl that this time yesterday was still limping around on her tip-toes milking everything she could out of her freshly skinned knee.

the afternoon and evening were pleasant enough. picking her up from school is always a highlight. only parents can understand the joy that is seeing your child's eye explode with excitement when they see you peek your head into their room. we came home, watched pardon the interruption, went to the playground, and then welcomed mommy home.

then all went wrong.

not really, the bungee jump that was tonight left the bridge when we headed to the store. we were all on different pages, and chasing hannah in the parking lot wasn't the best capper for the outing. came home, dinner was fine. sweet even. then came the time-out. for hitting. the time-out, admittedly, was not executed "by the book", but my guess is that the author was not wrestling with a strong-like-bull two year old as she typed her sage advice. after time-out, bath went pretty good, but hannah's playful attitude as we tucked her in fell on the tense shoulders of her mommy and daddy.

the bounce back came with the nightly hug and kiss that has become bedtime tradition. with the two hugs and two kisses, the stress seemed silly and the tension seemed unwarranted. and thus is a night with you, baby girl. even the hardest night always ends with love i do not understand but cannot now live without. sleep good.

see you in the morning.

"the people's revolution is gonna be a podcast." - Nofx


i was encountered by a friend who is going through a difficult and disconcerting situation earlier this week. the situation calls into question their beliefs, morals, convictions, and integrity. standing behind their beliefs, morals, convictions, and integrity, if the worst case scenario were to play out, would not come cheap. the dilemma includes choices that could and would affect their family's financial comfort, home, and spiritual headquarters. i pray that the worst case scenario might not play out. i pray that ignorance, in this circumstance, is defeated at the hands of enlightenment. i pray that my friend is not put in a position that would ask them to take a measured and calculated leap away from their current comfort zone. i pray that all their hard work to reach this comfort is not lost on a group of people that do not understand the gospel as it is intended. i pray, and i wonder...

i don't wonder the cliche' "what would jesus do", because that answer is easy. of course jesus would do the right thing. stand up for what he believes. take the ignorant to task. but i am not jesus. a far cry from it am i. i fully believe that jesus, god himself, has had a significant hand in helping me build the house of cards that is my life, but i also know that i am significantly more likely to knock the tower down than He is. a shortsighted decision here. a temptation not resisted there. and there it goes. a beautiful structure that was built with the help of The Man comes crashing down in a pile of regret, "why's", and "how did this happen to me's".

there's will come a point in all of our lives, maybe more than one if we are unlucky, where we will face a crossroad. and the choice of which way to turn will always be simple, but it will never be easy. i fear for my friend that may be coming to one, and i fear for myself because i am not 100 percent certain i would be able to follow my own advice...

...so what does this mean? any time i start to question my own advice, it usually means i am heading for a crossroad of my own. another fucking crossroad. but wisdom always (not usually) comes with understanding, and i understand that things are different now.

Which way will you go, Kevin?

a) left
b) right
c) straight ahead
d) turn tail and run...

how about, e) i'll just sit down right here and think about it for a while. ?

"i'd carve out my lungs, and it's all just to see you again..."
the last last
(note: quote doesn't really have anything to do with the blog. it's just a line from a saves the day song i can't get out of my head and don't want to at this point.)


barring one final trip to clean up a little and turn in my apartment keys, my time in huntsville is now over. i am still a little surprised at the range of emotions that i am currently going through. happy to be home. sad to not have a service to lead next week. happy for no more commute. sad for the loss of quality cd time back and forth on 65. happy that things are back to normal for my family. sad not to have an excuse to play and sing for the forseeable future. happy for easter. sad for the same.

it's a little misleading. easter. the celebrating doesn't last long. just an hour. a day if your lucky. the shine definitely wears off in a week when the sanctuary isn't nearly as full the following week. what happened to all the people? what happened to the happy? what happened was the same as any coat of wax. in time, the weather reveals the greasy, faded, scratched up surface underneath and things are back to normal. normal is what i am good at. what we are good at. right? the same cup of coffee. the same walk around the block. the same route to work. the same disgust for the co-worker that breathes too loud in the next cubicle. the same being pissed-off at the person next to you that "can't drive". the same tv shows. the same worry. the same bills. the same customers. second verse. same as the first. sing if you'd like. sit if you'd rather. don't rock the boat. don't make eye contact. don't say you're sorry. you're never wrong anyway.

so what?


character is revealed in "the same". the more your life doesn't change, the more it doesn't matter. the more it stays the same, the more you have to regret. the more you stay the same, the more boring you become.

and that's why i went to huntsville. that's why, even though it was only eight months, my life will never be the same.

easter is the same every year. the same service. the same message. and the comfort in knowing what to expect is exactly why everyone wakes up early and puts on the fancy clothes. next week, though, could be different.

if i let it.

i will.

will you?

a month full of "last's" slowly comes to an end
buried under satan's yardstick


the last couple of weeks have been filled with many "last's". my last schedule to be made. my last customer to serve. my last day at cold stone. my last night spent in huntsville. today marks the last day of my unofficial spring break. soon enough, this coming easter sunday actually, i will participate in my last service at common ground. shortly after that, i will drive up to and back from huntsville for the last time (thank god). that is, until hannah is old enough to enjoy the space and rocket center.

all of these "last's" beg the question, "what now"? i am thankful to say that with all of these things coming to an end, and inevitably being faced to deal with extra time on my hands, i do not have plans to immediately start something new just for the sake of it. just for the hell of it. hell being the operative word. there's a cheesy e-mail forward that makes it way into my inbox from time to time. it's message is that the devil intentionally puts things in our life to keep us busy therefore taking time away from our focusing on god. there's an acronym for B-U-S-Y in the e-mail like buried under satan's yardstick (or something like that) that i cannot remember. now, whether "a" or "the" devil puts busy-ness into our lives or we do it ourselves is for another theological post and the bottom line is it's just semantics anyway. to the point of the e-mail, though, today i say amen.

for a long, long time now, beginning the day i accepted a job at HUMC, i have been busy. there has never been enough time in my day to accomplish what i wanted or thought needed to be done. this path continued through my time in huntsville. forget my family. forget my friends. i have to stay busy. don't bother me. "i am doing god's work". well, maybe i was. but i don't think that god was signing off on all the things i was forgetting or lowering on my priority list. for the short term, i will co-manage a pet supplies plus. i will work and then i will come home. if, on my off days i find too much time on my hands, so be it. we'll go get ice cream. or krispy kreme. go see a movie. to a braves game. to the playground. i'll just sit around and blog. and i'll be better for it. a better man. a better husband. a better dad. a better servant.

what's the use in being driven by a career when that career, that job, that "doing god's work" asks you to relegate the important things in your life to "i'll try and fit you in to my schedule."? the answer is there is no use. none. nada.

the next time i am buried under satan's yardstick will be the day my cats start losing weight.

the older i get, the more i think the braves suck


not really. what i really have noticed, the last couple years in particular, is the older i get, the more into sports i have become. which is scary. i have always considered myself a sports guy. watch a lot of sports. go to see my share live and in person. live on espn.com, si.com, mlb.com, nfl.com, etc. so that i can have an educated conversation on whatever sport happens to be your favorite. but it's getting worse. i never used to pay attention to recruiting. i just didn't care about that part of college football. whoever ended up playing at alabama i would root for. now, i already dislike a high school senior named tim tebow because he spurned alabama and i want another high school senior (andre "the giant", anyone?...ridiculous) from huffman high school to be the second coming of chris samuels. it's absurd. recruiting. now i pay attention, though. i've always liked the braves. dale murphy's always been my favorite player and always will. i want jeff francouer to be the next dale murphy. i love when they win. the difference, recently, has been that if the braves are sucking it up, i am sick. i am an ogre to be around. it's horrible. so far this season, all six games, every braves starter has either been rocked or pulled a hammy. not good. and it's killing me. absolutely killing me. the same kind of examples could be culled from any sport that i pay attention to nowadays. god help sarah and hannah during the upcoming world cup. i should go ahead and reserve a hotel room for the first week so i don't break anything here when the us gives up a goal.

i don't know what to make of this, but i do like it. sports, religion, politics...none are any fun unless you feel like you have some sort of vested interest.

maybe that's what i was missing. maybe i was into all of these things, but maybe it wasn't fun. it is now. for all of them. sports, religion, politics.

what changed? a lot. a little. who knows. something did and some things will.

god help me.

god help you.

go braves.

hannah and me (part eight)
dateline: our house


i think history, as i now move forward, will tell me the most ridiculous part of my last eight months will have been rationalizing my time away from my two year-old. the part with sarah i can deal with. we missed each other more and more with each passing month, but we knew what i was taking on was for a larger purpose than us and knew that we would see each other even more than when i was at huffman. it turned out almost to be a blessing in many ways, to our future and the promise of our family's future. this part of my decision i can handle. the part of it that i never could make right in my head and still cannot was the hannah part. i have had so much support from my friends that it's made it easier to get through, and i also know that as smart as she is, in ten years she will have no true memories of this time in her life. but i will.

yesterday, as hannah and i were driving down to have lunch with mommy she told me that she wanted to go to daddy's house (the way she identified my apartment in huntsville). it was cute, of course, but it also stung in a way that i know she did not intend or will not understand for some time. for her, it was just a want for adventure. to see the "rocket" off the interstate or the "fountain" by my place. for me, it was a reminder of an incredibly unhappy time in my life where there was always a distinct and sometimes disturbing difference between mom and dad's house.

fortunately, although that period has obviously scarred me, it has passed. now, it only provides motivation. motivation for me to make sure that from this point forward, mommy's and daddy's house will be one and the same for our little girl.

andy and i spoke after lunch tuesday about fatherhood for a short amount of time. we agreed that we had failed at certain things in life and would inevitably fall short of certain goals in the future, but the exception to that rule would be how we rated as fathers. there are good fathers and there are bad. there are exceptional fathers, and there are the downright poor to non-existant. ultimately, hannah will be my judge in where within those categories i fall. and i am ok with that.

she will know that she is loved absolutely and unconditionally every day for the rest of my life. i have to believe that this plays in my favor.

in the land of humans


retired abc news anchor peter jennings once said that every time he picked up a coin he instinctually wanted to turn it over. i think this is just another way of saying the old cliche', the grass is always greener on the other side. was the eagle on the back of the quarter any more intriguing, any more beautiful than george washington's face? no, but the anticipation or want for it to be so was enough that he wanted to turn it over anyway. so i imagine, there he sat as i sit here now, able to see both sides of the quarter, sure now that there are, indeed, two sides to every coin, but also sure that it's still worth 25 cents in the end.

for eight months i succumbed to the same temptation. i saw one chapter of my life coming to an end, and looked for another field where the grass might be greener. a path that contained fewer footsteps. i told myself that the new adventure of helping to build a foundation from the ground up would contain fewer frustrations than the old, broken home i was leaving behind. it was a challenge. and at times it was fun. but i was missing the point. in the land of humans, you are building with bricks that have holes in them, flaws that people will bring to the party no matter if they are "church people" or not. and thus, after eight months, i return home today with a new lease on life. i am lucky to feel this way at 29. had i not followed my heart, who knows when i would have felt this alive. i thank chris for providing the means to this end and sarah and hannah for supporting me along the way.

i always "knew" the grass wasn't really greener on the other side, but now i know it. and i plan to use that knowledge as God would lead me to. who knows what that means. i am certain, though, that it will not always be comfortable. but it shouldn't be, right andy? again, i thank you for allowing me to feel that i am working for the right team even if "church people" won't always make eye contact with me or my family.

in the land of humans, by God's grace, we are all coins that have many different sides, opinions, experiences, traditions, and flaws, but in the end no life is worth more than the next.

let the games begin.