hannah and me (part eight)
dateline: our house


i think history, as i now move forward, will tell me the most ridiculous part of my last eight months will have been rationalizing my time away from my two year-old. the part with sarah i can deal with. we missed each other more and more with each passing month, but we knew what i was taking on was for a larger purpose than us and knew that we would see each other even more than when i was at huffman. it turned out almost to be a blessing in many ways, to our future and the promise of our family's future. this part of my decision i can handle. the part of it that i never could make right in my head and still cannot was the hannah part. i have had so much support from my friends that it's made it easier to get through, and i also know that as smart as she is, in ten years she will have no true memories of this time in her life. but i will.

yesterday, as hannah and i were driving down to have lunch with mommy she told me that she wanted to go to daddy's house (the way she identified my apartment in huntsville). it was cute, of course, but it also stung in a way that i know she did not intend or will not understand for some time. for her, it was just a want for adventure. to see the "rocket" off the interstate or the "fountain" by my place. for me, it was a reminder of an incredibly unhappy time in my life where there was always a distinct and sometimes disturbing difference between mom and dad's house.

fortunately, although that period has obviously scarred me, it has passed. now, it only provides motivation. motivation for me to make sure that from this point forward, mommy's and daddy's house will be one and the same for our little girl.

andy and i spoke after lunch tuesday about fatherhood for a short amount of time. we agreed that we had failed at certain things in life and would inevitably fall short of certain goals in the future, but the exception to that rule would be how we rated as fathers. there are good fathers and there are bad. there are exceptional fathers, and there are the downright poor to non-existant. ultimately, hannah will be my judge in where within those categories i fall. and i am ok with that.

she will know that she is loved absolutely and unconditionally every day for the rest of my life. i have to believe that this plays in my favor.