HOLY FUCK!!!
(it's a gun!)



it's not as much a lack of time that has dictated me not posting this week as much as it's been a lack of inspiration. i guess that's kind of sad considering i have any number of good and beautiful things to write about here in my house. but, for whatever reason, my motivation has been missing. nothing like a little armed robbery to change all that, huh...

i wish i was kidding. i really do. obviously, what happened yesterday morning falls underneath the category of "things you don't believe can happen to you until they do". and they did. i was walking out to my car yesterday morning around 10:00 a.m. just like i always walk out to my car when i am taking the daily deposit to the bank. my head was down. i was in my own little world, contemplating things that i would try and accomplish when i got back to the store. behind me, i heard footsteps on the pavement that sounded like someone was running across the parking lot (little did i know...). out of curiosity, i turned to see who was in such a hurry. as i turned, i made eye contact with a black man dressed in black jeans, a long-sleeve black shirt and a black mask. the man was no more than twenty feet away from me, heading in my direction. as we made eye contact, i noticed the man was carrying some sort of revolver. i noticed the gun because as i turned and noticed the dude, the fucker cocked his weapon. out of everything that happened in that fifteen seconds or so, i will never forget the sound of him cocking that gun. instantly, my body instinctively froze. i turned my head down and the guy got right up on me, pointed the gun in the direction of my face and upper torso and screamed, "GIMME THE BAG! GIMME THE BAG! GIMME THE BAG!" i said back to him, "ok, ok, ok." i lifted the bag up with my left hand. dude grabbed the bag and took off on foot running in between sal's and o'reilly's. i wondered if i should chase after him. follow him on foot while i was calling '911' and try and give the police some direction. but as i tried to take a step, i realized that every muscle in my body had been scared stiff, literally. it was like everything in me cramped all at once. it took me taking a couple steps to loosen up and have my wits about me enough to call the cops. i did. reported the robbery. went back into the store. told the employees what had happened. called my boss. helped an officer fill out his report. and that was it. the event was over. the rest of the day was spent remembering what happened, retelling the story over and over and trying not to think about all of the things that could've happened. it was my boss that scared me the most when he said to me that it was probably a good thing i turned and caught his attention. otherwise, maybe his plan would have been to knock me out cold and take the bag off the ground or use the gun for something even worse. thankfully, neither of those things happened and i walked away not much more than stunned.

the scariest part of the aftermath was the realization that it was the easiest sum of money the guy had ever made in fifteen seconds. and the thought that if it was that easy, that he or one of his buddies would be back for more. we'll hope that doesn't happens, but we will never really know for sure. the knee-jerk reactions will lead us to change our routine. to make intentional decisions and moves that might keep anyone that is watching us off-balance. but short of hiring a hired security person (which we can't afford) to take our deposit to the bank everyday, we will never be 100 percent safe. clearly, we never were. in one of my conversations yesterday i mentioned that during my time in the store, i had played through all sorts of scenarios that included armed gunmen coming into the store to rob us, but never once had i worried about my safety walking to my car.

i will now.

so, what now? now, i have to calm down. now i have to beat back down my "inner racist" and remind myself that yesterday's trauma had nothing to do with color and everything to do with a sense of hopelessness that lead a young man to feel like robbing someone at gunpoint was his best option of taking care of himself or his family. i have to try not to hold it against "my community" and spin the positives of me being ok into action pointed towards finding ways to fill needs around the church. find ways to do my part, however little that may be, in curing a culture and neighborhood that is sick with desperation.

yesterday, i wished that the douchebag was hit by a dumptruck fleeing the scene of the crime. today, i am sorry that he felt like he had to do it, and i am thankful that i wasn't hurt in the process.

for the length of time that his eyes and his gun haunt my dreams, though, i'll ask for forgiveness in not wanting to treat the dude to lunch if we are ever properly introduced.