turning 31
(hannah and caroline and me)
((part four))


caroline is asleep upstairs. it's 7:55 a.m. right now.

technically, i've already started my first official daddy/daughter day at home with her, but it doesn't feel like it yet. after i finish here, i'll go wake her up and we'll start our day. we need to go to the store for a few minutes to talk with kathy. sometime around midday, we'll go have lunch with mommy and visit with the folks in her office. we may do a little more visiting after that. we'll just have to wait and see. i am happy right now at the thought of hanging out with her. i know mommy is sad that she had to go back to work yesterday, but things are going to be just fine i think. it's probably good that i am posting now, when she is so calm and peaceful and not at the end of the day when i can't get her to stop screaming. maybe that won't happen. maybe...

since my last post, the week has been pretty busy. putting last saturday behind me has been difficult in a lot of ways. if i let my mind wander, it immediately takes me back to that morning. to that guy. and to that gun. leave it to my resident eternal pessimist, kiker, to e-mail me monday morning and tell me that the softball team could have been preparing for a funeral instead of a game this week. truth be told, that thought was pulled from the middle of a really sweet note, but my reaction was, "shit. you are right." people get held up all the time. mugged. even worse. and the easiest way to deal with it happening so much is to not pay attention to it. but i can't help but have a new and enlightened respect for someone that's gone through an experience similar to mine. even if their's was also non-violent, it's as vulnerable as a human being can feel if they aren't already facing something life-threatening.

31 isn't supposed to be a very important or noteworthy birthday. nothing big happens. no surprise parties to celebrate entering a new decade of life. i don't feel older. less agile. less aware. less relevant. 31 is supposed to be a birthday that's celebrated within the family and acknowledged by friends, but you don't scrapbook turning 31 as much as you just affirm it as a means to some end. for me, turning 31 was different than it should've been, probably for all the wrong reasons. i felt very lucky to have my wife. my daughters. my friends that, bar none, when i told them about saturday, made sure that i was ok first and foremost. i should feel lucky for all of those things everyday, but i don't. or didn't. most days, i take them for granted.

you know what's the biggest shame? this time next week, i may be taking all of my treasures for granted again. i am going to try not to, but there's a chance it will happen. things will be busy at work. i'll have my head too deep into what's going on at the church. i'll be pissed off. and i'll take it out on the people that i shouldn't. this past tuesday, though? the nondescript birthday-of-a-day that i turned 31? on that day, i did not. take my treasures for granted that is. and my birthday wish was that on most days, i could maintain that focus.

that is my birthday wish and my prayer this morning. i am glad that caroline allowed me to start today like this. with some time to myself. with some time to write a reminder to be calm later today when she gets fussy. with some time to soak in how lucky i am to have a day like this.

i am coming upstairs to wake you up, (baby) baby girl. don't be too pissed.