if you've seen one unicorn, you've seen them all


in my land of make-believe, my self-worth is highly exaggerated. i'd like to tell myself that if i left my store that i couldn't be replaced in two hours like i replaced the last guy. i'd like to believe that if i left my church, my loss would be felt in the same way we mourn (or celebrate) when our senior pastor is appointed elsewhere. i consider sometimes that if i went away my friends and teammates would not have the same outlets and opportunities to play softball and basketball and flag-football as i present to them by them knowing me. all of these thoughts are completely ridiculous. i am as expendable as the next guy in every lot of my life, the exception, maybe, being my importance to my wife and children and my closest friends.

please don't get me wrong. i am not feeling sorry for myself. i think my perspective is continuing to evolve from the circumstances surrounding october 27th. three separate conversations at church this morning have thrown my thoughts and my mood into a whirling-dervish of ups and downs and in-betweens. the first involved a sunday school class discussion going back and forth between being future-forward and positive vs. admonishing the neglect of our church toward it's last 15 years. one conversation made me realize that i was still too close to some forests to be able to see the trees. and the third ended with an implication that i may want to look for an opportunity above and beyond being the general manager of a pet store.

all three conversations were worth their own journal entry and may still give birth to a later post, but i'll focus on the latter one today. the comment that i can't shake from my brain was very sincere and innocent. maybe they knew of my being robbed and thought that i was looking for a way out of being employed in huffman. maybe they knew how much i loved, on the whole, working for a church and figured retail was below me. maybe there were other motives that i wasn't picking up on, but why would i not want to be exactly where i am today? primarily accountable for a reputable business in the middle of the community where i grew up. employed two minutes away from the church and daycare that my daughters spend the majority of their weeks. responsible for hiring, firing and molding a staff made up of young people that, whether they know it or not, are being ministered to by me. in contact with upwards of 200 or more customers every day that live, speak, breathe and talk about what is important to them (and their pet) in the community that my church hopes to serve. until this morning, i wondered if i were to draw up my ideal situation of livelihood as it concerns my family and spiritual journey if i could come up with anything better than where i am now.

maybe i could. maybe i couldn't. maybe i am rationalizing to make myself feel better. maybe i am living more in my land of make-believe than i would like to imagine.

but i like my land of make-believe. and i bet you like yours too. it's what keeps us going. energized. afoot with the thought that no matter how puny and insignificant in the grand plan and history of the universe we might be, we, too, can make a difference. that we can own the crazy-ass hand that life will always deal us, roll with the punches and stick to what we think god thinks is important. it's tough sledding some days, some mornings. the reality of another person's perception of who you are, who you might be and what you may want to change is a hard pill to swallow. but it goes down eventually and comes out, we hope, as continuing education in the school of life. i wasn't slighted this morning. it just tasted that way. and i appreciate that someone felt i was worth having the conversation with in the first place.

here's to unicorns.