one (two) wedding(s) of a weekend


i don't feel old when i go to the wedding of a young adult that came through my group. ok, maybe i do a little. but, it's more of an odd feeling. almost like i am proud of them, which doesn't make a lot of sense. it's not like i have any claim on them to be proud, really. but that's how i feel. whether people like it or not, whether their parents are 100 percent approving or not, whether "the concerned" talk about them behind their back or not, they take the step. they get in front of family and friends and say, "ok. we are doing this." statistics say that out of the six (i think) so far ex-humc-kevin-o'kelley-era youth members that have joined the club, only three of them will "make it." i hope that's not the case. i hope they all do. i hope they have made the right and ultimate choice with the right and ultimate person that will see them and be with them through their golden years. my fingers are crossed for them.

this weekend has been a weird one for me. my first nights spent away from caroline. my first in quite a long time spent without sarah and hannah. i'll be glad to have them back tomorrow. after the first wedding friday night, i went and picked up a pizza and a movie and came home to the cats. i've told several people that i felt like it was ten years ago. working at the bank, dressed up and watching a movie alone. i enjoyed the "me" time, but it's overrated in a lot of ways. i overrate it. when we are together all the time, i am in a constant search for "me" time. i crave it. even if for only an hour to exercise in peace. to blog. to not have a baby screaming in one ear. to not hear hannah montana in the other. but this isn't what i signed up for, is it? i signed up for a family. i signed up for company that i can take for granted. i signed up for people to love and to annoy me all at the same time. without them, i feel pretty lonely. without them, i feel off. and i think that's a good thing. godspeed tomorrow, girls, and be careful. you'll have a christmas tree waiting for you. that'll be fun, right?

next weekend will be weird too. for the first time in years, i'll have my brother back. back in town. back in the fold for christmas. back for the first time for more than a couple of hours. i am sure that the time is going to fly by. anticipated time always does. i am excited to see how brian wears sober. many of my memories from our childhood have faded or been tainted by me being mad or disappointed in him. i need new memories. memories of us as brothers as adults. with adult conversations. brothers reunited, if only for four days. it should be a very good four days. and if those four days turn into more opportunities to see my brother, then they will be the best four days.

this is starting to feel like another diary post with not a lot to hold the thoughts together. i should stop and start another day. so, i will. but good luck to you, justin (and bride). and good luck to you, sarah o. (and groom). i miss you, my girls. and i can't wait to see you, brian.