32


"you get me slapped with a fine, you argue with the customers and i have to patch everything up, you get us thrown out of a funeral by violating the corpse, and then to top it off, you ruin my relationship. i mean, what's your encore? do you, like, anally rape my mother while pouring sugar in my gas tank?" - dante, clerks (1994)

that clerks is 14 years old (two weeks ago) makes me feel old. that kevin o'kelley is 32 makes me feel really freaking old. 32. it's the first number that i've reached where i thought to myself, "jesus. you are that guy now. you are old." and i get it. i know that there are people out there older than me. there will always be people out there that are older than me. i am not looking for sympathy. you certainly have my permission to roll your eyes at me and tell me that i am ridiculous, but this is my birthday. and i will celebrate it the way i wish. by being miserable.

so, what are your plans for today, the day you begin your 33rd year?

my plans? ok. here's what i have on my agenda. i am currently washing clothes. i am going to cut the grass. i have an errand to run. and i'll exercise at some point. that's it. that's pretty much the list. but again, don't feel sorry for me. i don't want that. that's the day that i've chosen for myself. sarah has already given me permission to be a lazy slob and not do anything productive with my off day, and i do appreciate it. but these are things that i have to do, right?

it's my birthday, but it's just like any off day. and even on my off days, i have to feel productive. it's like i am trying to convince some higher power that my worth here on this earth has not dried up.

look down there. yes. that's kevin o'kelley washing and folding those two loads of clothes. he is quite domesticated and determined.

and look, there. his grass stopped growing two weeks ago, and yet he marches outside with long pants and a long-sleeve t-shirt on to manicure his yard. impressive.

there he goes again. he still has the ability to drive a car. what a human!

unbelievable! he is doing way too many push-ups for a man of his age. i suppose we will let him live. at least one more year. keep an eye on his body-mass index, though. if he slips past "fat", give him the heart attack that he's been dreading for ten years.

i do appreciate the powers-that-be for giving me another birthday. as dramatic and loathsome as i am being, i am a lucky guy. for, in spite of all my ignorance and stupidity, i have a family that loves me very much. i have a precious almost-five year-old that took time out of her morning routine to draw me a picture.

i have more family that has already bought me many bottles of beer (thanks, mom-in-law. i will begin drowning my sorrow before noon, surely. ;) ). others that have sent cards filled with money that can be conditionally spent however i choose (roll tide, bill). i have friends that have gone out of their way to say "happy birthday" to me already. more that will later on this day.

i don't deserve such charity. i can be quite horrible to be around when i am self-loathing. maybe they see something i don't. maybe that higher power is just that good.

whatever the case may be, i love you all, those of you that choose to make me feel special. i don't deserve your attention, and i don't deserve your time.

i do hope that before the heart attack happens, i can return the favor. i hope i can make you feel just as special in some small way. i will try. i promise.

time to put the clothes in the dryer.