thanksgiving is not supposed to be this hard
(part two)


i felt mine looming last evening. that beginning of a cold that i can feel coming a mile away. my throat starts to get itchy, but it's a different kind of itchy than something brought on by a simple allergy or the changing of the seasons. something has been stuck in your throat for a day or so now. you just didn't know it. and now, you know it because your throat is being rubbed raw. as we speak. as i type. snot. the kind of snot-induced raw that makes it feel like i am swallowing tiny, little razorblades each time the spit accumulates to the point in my mouth that i have to get rid of it. two options. spit it out (which doesn't work out too well in bed or in the car.). or swallow. owwwww!!! the razorblades! a cold is coming. a cold has come.

mine turned out to be the lesser of two evils. you can follow the above link if you want to remember my thanksgiving experience from a year ago. the short version...i threw up. a lot. it sucked. sarah woke this morning feeling nauseous. not a good sign. by the time i woke up, her stomach was full-blown upset and we were questioning whether or not the trip was worth taking. it was a heartbreaking decision. i could tell from her face. you could see that she worried about the car ride to georgia the same as i did the car ride home last year. but she didn't want to pass up the company. she didn't want to disappoint her mom and that mom's 24 hour-plus effort (that doesn't include time spent gathering groceries) to produce a feast equal to that of feasts from years past. she didn't want to miss her family. she doesn't get to see them often enough as it is. she didn't want to miss anything. and so, we went.

the car ride was fine. no stops after the gas station to fill up and collect ice. the girls were good. nothing significant to complain about if you don't count the want to complain about the ever-increasing need to throw up. she was a trooper. but the ride took it all out of her. and most of her precious family time was spent huddled up on the couch and hoping that the feeling would go away. she took a break from the couch a few times to travel to the bathroom or eat some of the feast (a move she now regrets). she did visit a little, but i bet it felt like much more of a chore than she envisioned this time last night. i empathize. thanksgiving is not supposed to be this hard. for sarah, this year and, for me, last.

my selfish self is almost angry at sarah's plight. i want to be sick, to embrace my cold, but i can't give in to it yet. not while hannah is still up. my night will be spent tossing and turning and being mad at the world, but, right now, hannah is asking me to come and sit with her for a few minutes before she goes to bed. she's been a big girl today.

tuesday, at work, i screwed my back up something fierce. i aggravated it swimming earlier in the summer and reaggravated it towards the end of the softball season. tuesday, while helping my stocker sling cat litter, my lower back locked up out of nowhere. i wanted to drop to a knee when the pain took my breath away, but my pride wouldn't let me. later that night, in spite of my being aware that basketball would only exacerbate the problem, i played anyway. my back repaid me by making it very hard to tie my shoes without crying yesterday morning. this thanksgiving day, i spent a collective four hours sitting in a car. my back repaid me by making it very hard to walk without a limp for the first half-hour or so after getting out of the driver's seat both in rome and birmingham. tomorrow, i should just rest. let the sick take me over. lay on a heating pad as much as the girls will allow. be lazy. then again, i am due to exercise tomorrow. and, then again, the girls don't give a shit that my back hurts and that sarah wants to throw up all over their sweet faces. so, those two things (the sick and the pad) will have to wait, most likely.

now comes the part where you tire of my complaining (or, where i do). i know it could be worse. i know i still have way more to "be thankful" about than i deserve. there is just a part of me that is a little pissed. the kind of pissed i am any time i anxiously await something because of how awesome it could be, but the event or occasion is prevented somehow from reaching it's full potential. i'll get over it. tomorrow morning, i'll re-read this post and the one from last year and feel pretty silly and fairly petty.

right now, i hope sarah feels better in the morning. and i hope that i don't feel considerably worse. and i hope that we can have a relatively happy next couple days home.

this is a picture. see it as a such. a polaroid of sorts. a moment in time. tomorrow will be different, because i will be different. but there will still be a picture that documents this moment in time. that picture is this blog. this post. it doesn't capture me. it captures a picture of me. it captures a moment. it just did. get it?

say, "cheese"!