hannah and caroline and me
(part thirty-five)
((don't cry, caroline))


so far in her very young life, caroline's temperament seems (on the surface) to be a lot like her daddy's. in contrast to hannah's first couple of years, caroline is a pretty easy going kid. very sweet. mostly calm. easy to please. she has to share everything with hannah, so she is already being hardwired to push her own wants and needs to the backburner, because, truth be told, hannah's usually going to get her way.

it would be fair, as a parent, to argue the relative health of our, as parents, allowing this particular method to perpetuate itself. before you argue, though, remember that sarah is a child psychologist. she has been trained and over-educated to appreciate and react appropriately to the needs of all children, let alone her own. my guess is that if she saw us conditioning a behavior that would, in any way, lead to a dysfunctional and/or unfair disadvantage for our baby, baby girl, she would "recommend" that we discontinue the cycle.

i have been doing the single-dad thing again since wednesday and yesterday morning foreshadowed this, friday morning's events. i just didn't know it. i got the girls up from bed today. we had a tame, if not pleasant, start to the day. all went according to plan...'til we headed to the church.

...

wednesday morning, caroline moved up and out of ms. susan's class at the children's place. in theory, she seemed fairly excited with the idea of being "a big girl" and moving into ms. kim's class. ms. kim's class doesn't have a changing table. if the kids are not potty-trained (caroline isn't even close) coming into the room, it is likely through peer pressure and a distaste for wearing soiled underwear that they will be sooner rather than later. as with each class in the daycare, a move up means a little more structure, a little more learning and a little less babysitting. to those points, we felt like caroline was more than ready. ahead of wednesday, when we talked to caroline about moving to ms. kim's class, she was really into it.

i picked the girls up from their classes wednesday afternoon and caroline didn't seem any worse for the wear of her first day in the new class. she was playing on the playground with her new group. she ran up to greet me like she always does. it was happy.

thursday morning, though, was not so smooth. we dropped hannah off and the ride to the church was uneventful. pulling into the parking lot, caroline was singing some "baby" by bieber the magnificent and rapped a little with ludacris. it was pretty damn cute. we got to her class, set out her breakfast and i tried to give her some love. she started to withdraw. i tried to talk her through her routine as ms. ellen encouraged me. no response. i walked caroline over to the door for a final hug and kiss. she started to sniffle. i asked her if she would shut the door behind me. she started to cry. ms. ellen came and picked her up. she started to scream. as i walked away from her, ms. ellen shoo-ing me off and telling me it would be okay, i heard the volume of her wail increase the farther away i got. what a terrible way to start the day.

...

future-back to the same time this morning. the house part of the morning went beautifully. we had some snuggle time, the three of us, on the couch before we left. we dropped hannah off, no problem.

then all went wrong. her dread for another day in ms. kim's class began almost immediately after we pulled away from chalkville. "i don't want to go to ms. kim's class.", she exclaimed, the paci in her mouth muffling the request. "i want to go to ms. susan's class." wasn't so much a demand as it was a plea. back and forth she went like this the whole way to the church. "i don't want to go to ms. kim's class!" "caroline, you are a big girl. big girls go to ms. kim's class." "i want to go to ms. SUSAN's class!" in between the outbursts, she worked her way up from pouting to hysterics. it was terrible.

we reached the church and she refused to get out of the car. i called sarah for reinforcements, but it didn't help. i pryed her out of the car and was able to calm her somewhat as we made it into the church. as we moved up the ramp in the hallway, she began to point past ms. kim's room down the hall. one last try. "i want to go to ms. susan's class!!!"

i turned into ms. kim's class still carrying her and i could almost feel her heart break into pieces. she erupted in emotional anguish. i sat her down so that i could begin to get her breakfast out of her bag. then, the worst part.

our little two and half year old baby, baby girl reached up and opened the door to her room. she raced out, turned left and headed back towards the entrance of the daycare. i made my way into the hallway in time to see her hauling baby tail down the ramp only to be stopped by the security doors. she pounded at the glass as if she had been imprisoned and held against her will after being wrongly accused of some crime she wasn't old enough to understand. her crime? having parents that work. she's a smart girl and knows how to unlock the security door. so, she hopped to her right, hit the green exit button and then hopped back to the door. she pressed against the door again just as i made my way to her. she pulled away from me and backed herself up against the director's locked door, her soul, measured in tears, flat pouring out of her.

i finally found a grip to pick her up and pulled her up to me and against me. as i held her to my chest, she wrapped around me with her arms and held tight. i "shush, shsh, shsh"-ed into her ear and calmed her down. she did the "i am crying so hard i am hyperventilating" thing as i swayed her back and forth. she finally stopped crying. two mothers passed us and looked on knowingly. they knew they couldn't help. i am sure they had done this before. i had not.

i asked caroline if she would feel better if i sat down with her in ms. kim's room while she ate her breakfast. she didn't say a word, but she did her caroline nod and we walked back in. i set her breakfast out and sat down in one of the mini-chairs. she wouldn't sit in hers, instead choosing my lap. at that point, i wasn't sure i was going to be able to leave her.

thankfully for the both of us, ms. susan came in. she saw me holding caroline and came and took her from me. with her eyes, she told me to go and said out loud that caroline would be fine.

i left to come to the store, haunted by the experience.

the image of my sweet caroline running away in tears from her room and banging on the glass asking no one in particular to help her escape will not soon leave me. honestly, i don't want it to. it will serve as a metaphor for the emotions that i and her mom and her family and our friends will serve and protect to the best of our ability as she grows up.

i became a little bit more of a dad this morning.

mommy comes back tomorrow.