picture of health
(part anniversary)

i'm not sure how i let march 22nd slide by without formally taking notice.

what does it say about my journey that i had forgotten it was one year ago on that day i had my recurrent cancer forcibly (but happily) removed from my body.

the "bullet" holes above have faded. the memory must have, too, right?

maybe. the last year has been such a different experience, on the whole, than the year that followed july 23rd, 2009. that year, i had been told to "celebrate". the original tumor was contained inside my now gone kidney, and i should have a champion's chance to never have to worry about cancer again. at least, kidney cancer. i had a hard time owning the news, though. something didn't feel right. what about the chemo? the radiation? the surgery wasn't "easy", but it seemed like i hadn't paid enough to the cancer gods to be rightly healed and moving forward with my life. it was psychological warfare. every day and every night was a different paranoia. a different lump here. a knot there. a blurred vision or something akin messing with my mind, convincing me that all was not right. i did that dance with the man in the mirror over and over and over and over, for months on end.

about the time i was starting to feel comfortable in my own skin again, well, if you know me, you know what went down.

march 22nd, 2012, they shaved me down again. they put me to sleep. and with the help of a skilled robot, my urologist cut into me again. this time, my journey to healing and peace would require more. i haven't been able to spend nearly as much time being scared over the last year, because most of those 365 days i've been sick or in pain or super tired or some combination of all because of my chemotherapy.

the unfairness of it all has been replaced with getting to the next day, trying to feel a little better, efforting to feel a little less sorry for myself, to make weak attempts at being a husband or a father or a friend.

i am reminded all the time of how lonely this journey has become. through no one's fault (everyone has their own life and their own pain to deal with), i don't hear from many folks anymore asking me how i am. more than likely, they are probably just giving me space. more than likely, they need to focus on their own lives. i tell the same people multiple times how many months i have left to go, how many pills there are still left to take. it bothers me for half a second. i've told you this three times, man. in the latter half of the second, though, i remind myself that they have no reason to remember my timetable. they aren't counting the days, marking off weeks on a calendar attached to their fridge. they are just living their own life.

while i live mine.

if the november clean scan was really clean, i'm a year removed from having active cancer in my body. four years away from being considered "cured". it may not be anything to celebrate, but it's something to note here, in this place.

the "bullet" holes have faded.

have i?