28 days later


i'm kind of scared, when it comes right down to it.

today is the last day of my last break...i hope. the hardest part of all of the next 28 days will be owning that it could be the last part of my physical battle with cancer.

i went to the oncologist a couple weeks ago, and we set up my next scan for may 16th. that will be two days removed from my taking the last pill of this yearlong treatment cycle i've been struggling through over the last twelve months.

can you believe it? i can't. 12 months of pain, fatigue, sickness, and emotional turmoil, projected onto those closest to me because either they lived in the same house as me or i felt like they wouldn't turn their back on me if i complained to them every time i saw them or talked to them. (thank you sarah, hannah, caroline, june, katie, and amy.)

and it's almost over...i hope.

i was talking to matt and stephanie after limbo sunday, and i said out loud to them something that i don't know if i've said to anyone yet about this process.

i'm scared.

of the end.

in spite of the pain, fatigue, sickness, and emotional turmoil, i've been telling myself since the clean scan in november that all of the inconvenience has been worth it. if the clean scan in november proved nothing else to me, it proved that maybe the medicine was working. nothing else was growing inside of me. at least, it hadn't been since the pet scan on april 1st.

so, what happens after i finish the medicine?

does it come back then? is that how it works? in my head, i know that's not the way it's intended to work, but i've convinced myself of far sillier worries in the past.

what if the medicine hasn't "re-educated" all the sleeper cells bent on destroying my body. what if those little devils are just waiting to make their move after the poison gradually makes its way out of my system?

what if something starts growing inside of me early june-ish and i don't find out about it until november? what if it grows faster this time around and spreads to every part of me just to prove it can?

even worse, WHAT IF THE MAY 16TH SCAN ISN'T CLEAN???

fuck. fuck. fuck.

then what?

then what?

then what?

then i die?

at 37?

fear. irrationalities. the unknown. these are the things that have always haunted me.

pre-cancer. during cancer. post cancer.

reset button.

do it all again.

i'm scared.

still.

but less so than i used to be.

beginning thursday, i will document here every day of what i hope will be my last cycle on the chemotherapy drug called sutent.

how am i feeling? what is it doing to my body? what are the worst toxicities? how is it changing me on the inside and out?

you are welcome to take this journey with me. and you are welcome to stay away. it will likely become very boring and very rote very quickly. irregardless, it's something that i feel like i need to do.

for me.

for the girls. for their future.

i am scared.

but less so than i used to be.