#17


on the day that my feet took the expected turn for the worse, it seems appropriate to draw the comparison between what i've been suffering with during eight of my nine cycles and what everyone tells me is neuropathy.

now, i've never suffered from neuropathy that i know of. not before my cancer treatments, and, understand, i am not a doctor. but, from what i've read, neuropathy is most often associated with a burning or tingling sensation, the closest equivalent i've heard described is like the feeling we all have endured when one of our extremities comes back to life after falling asleep.

this is not what i've struggled with and muddled through. beginning with our trip to the beach last summer, every cycle has included a several day stretch where certain spots on my feet have peeled, sometimes several layers at a time. this is common side effect of the sutent and many other slow release chemotherapies. most of the time, the heaviest peeling happens during the break, i assume as portions of the medicine are slowly but sure being released from my body through the capillaries in the bottom of my feet. about midway through the following cycle, as the medicine begins to release again, those areas that have peeled become little patches of hell on scorched earth. slowly intensifying in pain from slightly annoying to "shit, bro, i gotta limp" to "holy fuck, i'm going to have to crawl to the shower". at levels two and most especially three, it is not tingling or burning that i am experiencing. it is white hot death to the touch. at its worst, when i pull my foot off the ground, as the blood rushes to the most preciously affected areas, it feels like an invisible gnome with an invisible chain is pulling invisible swords from out of my feet because the invisible gnome needs his swords to slit my throat because OH MY FUCK THIS IS THE MOST INTENSE SHIT EVERRRRR!!! the family or friends or employees that have seen this happen know the expressions the pain forces onto my face and the rest of my body. the pain radiates in such a severe fashion that i've come close to faint on several occasions.

i try to elevate. moisturize. soak. take vitamin b supplements. none of it works. i've come to learn that all that helps is time and patience and not being up on them. that's it. that's the list. i truly appreciate all of the helpful suggestions, the care packages, and the "keep your chin ups" that i've gotten. they've all been so well-intentioned that it's just too heartbreaking to tell the givers that it's not worth it. you can't pretty up a pig with lipstick. and you can't fix my feet with udder cream. not when they are at their worst.

maybe someone will read this and say, "yes, dipshit. this is classic neuropathy." if they say that, fuck them. they probably wanted me to hurt for some reason anyway.

maybe someone else will read this and say that i'm a pussy. if they say that, fuck them. they have no idea. i'll fight them when i'm better.

maybe someone will read this and just think, "man, that sucks. i'm not going to tell him that i spent the most glorious day today walking with no pain." if they say that, that's what i've wanted all along. and i love you.

#17

toxicities present:

the feet thing, obviously.

after wishing for no mouth ulcers, i've got a couple forming below my bottom teeth, front of the mouth. fuck me.

i came home from work, planted myself on the porch and feel like i'm going to need a miracle or the threat of gunfire to move. this is the fatigue.

some muscle stiffness in my neck and shoulders that only started bothering me during cycle six has started. in about a week, i am going to need help taking off my shirt. any volunteers?

pain (scaled 1-10):

6.5