#21


i woke up thirty minutes before my alarm was due to go off this morning, around 5:15. i had a knot in my chest that didn't feel normal. sarah asked what was wrong and i told her that i felt like i was going to die.

i got up, used the bathroom and laid back down. i stared at the ceiling dwelling on the pain in my chest. my alarm went off at 5:49. i got up, got in the shower. i helped caroline get ready for her boosterthon (which she totally scored at), and started to realize the pain in my chest was just a more intense feeling of nausea than i've been used to. i stared at the bathroom, and thought about sticking my finger down my throat, but i left and headed to the store hoping it all would pass.

i got to the store around 6:40, went to the bathroom, sat down on the toilet, pulled the trash can in front of me, and i threw up.

my co-manager called for other reasons as i was recovering from the first episode, and god bless her, she said she'd come in early to cover the store for me.

then i threw up again.

then i threw up again.

i was able to make it to the house, change out of my work clothes, laid down on the couch. then it hit me again.

then i threw up dry heaved again.

i continued to deliver water babies on and off the rest of the day, but the heaving stopped around 10:30.

so, how was your day?

fuck this cancer shit.

#21

toxicities present:

i've experienced annoying to intense nausea during every one of my nine cycles. today is only the second day, though, that i've thrown up for hours on end. to be honest, i don't know if the throwing up today was the  chemo, some virus, something food related, or some virus/something food related that bit me because of the chemo. irregardless, it happened. and it seems very unfair.

pain (scaled 1-10):

the pain scale. doing this for a week now has reminded me how difficult is it to answer the question, "how are you feeling?" like i was telling andy at church last night, everyone has experienced (minus maybe the feet) some of what i deal with as a result of the chemo at some point in their life. maybe many points. i try not to take that lightly, nor do i try to make my sufferings seem any more painful or paralyzing as what any typical person goes through on any typical day. we all have our shit that we have to deal with.

so, when i am asked how i am doing, i typically just say, "i'm doing fine." only to a couple/three people will i actually be honest, because, hell, relative to others that have it worse to me, i am, in fact, fine.

people understand pain, though. if my feet are making me limp, people can see that and they don't have to ask. hence, the pain scale.

today? my feet don't hurt because i've been laying down all day. my mouth isn't bothering me because i haven't eaten since 6:00 last evening (my own unsolicited 30 hour famine. does this count, andy?). my head hurts because i'm dehydrated, but i am not really in pain.

today sucked anyway.