#28
(a running diary of my (hopefully) last 28 days of chemo)


tuesday, i previewed this next running series of the blog. over the next 28 days, i'll give you and you and you a running look into the life of kevin o'kelley, chemo patient.

as a disclaimer, when the days get bad, the language will probably follow and some of the imagery will likely be graphic and unsettling, but, for me, it seems appropriate to track what i hope will be the last arduous month of this pain-staking year long treatment program with honest and clear language. it also wouldn't really be very kevin o'kelley to govern the experience by making it easier to swallow.

the fact of the matter is that nothing, not a single thing, about having cancer and trying to rid oneself of it is easy. even the good days are some degree of terrible. even on the good days you wonder and worry if the poison inside your body is doing what the doctors intend, because, of course, there is a chance that it isn't.

i've said it before and i'll say it again. i'm one of the lucky ones...so far. i'm down one kidney. that's true. i'm down a year of exercise that didn't live up to my new standards set after i started running. i've spent a lot of money on a lot of food that i couldn't really taste or that ended up hurting my poor, little, sensitive mouth. but, i am not (that i know of) in the end stages of any of this. i am fighting for a new beginning. not a cruel and tortured end.

having said all of that, i'll try and capture over these next 28 days what kind of personal hell on earth my last year has been. some of that hell has been a product of the medicine and the toxicities i've had to suffer through and deal with. some of that hell is a little more complicated. the physical stuff has radiated into my psychological well-being, and those closest to me have been forced to suffer, on their own levels, right along with me. how they haven't all left me yet is beyond me. for i have felt like quite the loathsome character at times.

#28

toxicities present:

none yet. it will take 3-5 days of treatment before i start feeling the effects in a significant way. slowly, though, my body will stand up and realize that the shitstorm is brewing again. i'll start to feel tired in the late afternoon first. then, i'll know it's coming.

pain level (out of 10):

1 - i am okay today

lingering around from the last cycle:

hemorrhoids and some light rectal bleeding. when i first started the treatment, it totally freaked me out when there was some bright red blood on the toilet paper. i was sure it portended some type of doom. at this point in the process, it is way more likely that i will see blood than i won't. if i don't, i worry i didn't do something right or strain hard enough. go figure.