#22


i feel shitty today.

my heel is hurting. i'll have more tomorrow on how my experience is different than neuropathy. my stomach has been messed up and the fatigue has hit hard today.

now the fatigue. how much of a pussy does it make a grown man sound like when he says that he's suffering from intense "fatigue"? a huge pussy. i get it. i hate saying it. but there's not a more appropriate word. here's the best way i can put it. we all have taken mid-afternoon naps and been shaken from it before the nap gets totally out of us, right? half-fog, half-paralyzed, half-your body feels like you're wearing a 50 lb. weight vest, all-pissed off. you just want to keep laying down, because you can't motivate yourself to even think of doing anything else. it's not even that you want to go back to sleep, because that doesn't seem like the cure for what ails you either. it's not that you're sleepy. it's just that your body isn't fully awake, and it doesn't want to be. that's the "fatigue" that i've been told by my oncologist is the most intense and consistent side effect of the sutent. when he first told me to look out for it, i shrugged it off. i thought to myself, most people on this drug are 30 years older than me. i'm young. relatively fit. i sleep okay. i'm not going to suffer from this very vague "fatigue" you're telling me about. as usual, i was wrong. i can wake up in the morning and feel completely refreshed. most of the morning i will feel equally spry. same through lunch. sometime mid-afternoon, it's like a switch goes off, and it's all i can do to get off the stool in the office. it doesn't happen every day, which is almost as equally frustrating, but when it does, like today, it hits hard and fast. and i'm ruined for most of the rest of the evening.

fuck this cancer shit.

#22

toxicities present:

the fatigue

the feet

the mouth continues to deteriorate

the stomach has delivered waterbabies thrice today

pain (scaled 1-10):

4