guess who's coming to dinner?
(hannah and me, part nineteen)
to some of you, this may be news. to some of you, it is not. or, it's old news. either way i guess it's news. but the point is this. as i type this, somewhere is tuscaloosa, sarah is carrying our second child. she has been serving as such a vessel now for around ten weeks, and "the word" is starting to leak out. when she intially made me aware that there was something afoot (right before christmas), we mutually decided that it would be best to wait a few weeks before making people aware of the occasion. for a few reasons we decided this. one, it was just early. we had not heard a heartbeat. we didn't know for sure that there was only one. among others. as of a week ago friday, we now have seen the little peanut. and we have heard the heartbeat. and we know there's only one. and, so, now we invite all of our family and friends to place the little parasite on your prayer lists. i am having a hard time not wishing this time for a little boy. hearing kiker and andy talk of the impending little league season makes me want for a little boy to mold, but i know in my heart of hearts that my world is perfect now being the father of a beautiful little girl. would it not be even more perfect if there were two? we will find out what to prepare for soon enough. for the time being and the last few weeks, i have thought a lot about how my and sarah's life will be altered with another child added to the mix. the following is a somwhat premeditated, somewhat off the cuff list of things that i am thinking about as it relates to hannah's younger brother/sister...
1) i wonder what i'll do with the url address of this blog. this may seem a trivial place to begin this list, but these are the types of things i think of. hannah and me just rolls off the tongue. but if i don't include the new child somehow, jealousy will ensue and that could very well be the harbinger of hannah waking up years from now with her eyes glued shut. steps will have to be taken to avoid this.
2) will the new child like me? i've grown on hannah by this point, but i do wonder which child will end up being the "daddy's girl" or the "momma's boy" or the "boy that doesn't like football" or the "girl that hates her mommy". hannah hasn't yet shown a lean toward either of us, but when there is competition in her own house for attention, lines will be drawn and sides will be chosen. hopefully, i get the more athletic one and sarah gets the one that throws like a girl (or is a girl, or both).
3) i wonder what diapers are like. how quickly i have chosen to erase this part of hannah's history from my memory. diapers and pull-ups are freakin' disgusting. i mean, really?!?! who craps their pants??? granted, sarah will tell you (and be right) that she changed the lion's share of the diapers, but i remember them enough to know that i didn't like them. maybe this one will come out like a kitty. we'll just show him/her the toilet when we get home from the hospital and not have to worry about diapers at all.
4) i wonder how soon we'll stop asking each other if "we are ready to have have two children". we keep hearing how the biggest adjustment parents have to make is the leap from one to two kids. why? wouldn't the biggest leap be from zero to one? i mean, we've done it all before. it's like the song henry the 8th. second verse, same as the first, right? right?
5) i wonder what it'll feel like for sarah to be pregant on august 10th (due date is aug. 30th) when it's 96 outside and the heat index is like 110. man, that'll suck for her.
6) i wonder how i got to be this lucky and not have to be pregnant or have "times of the month". that is pretty awesome for me.
7) i wonder how weird it'll be to have to go the the "Y" to work out since my workout room will soon be a nursery. i haven't participated in communal workouts since high school, and they weren't very fun then. since in trussville people never really grow out of high school, this is, also, not going to be very fun.
8) i wonder if the new kid will be as cool as hannah. sing fiona apple and kanye west and the format in the car. pick up curse words from his/her dad. own her daycare class. ice-skate in the living room. have rhythm.
9) i wonder what the new one will call marie. it'll have to be maine, right?
10) i wonder if granddaddy and nana will come to this one's birthday parties. i wonder if they'll even be invited.
11) i wonder what it'll feel like to feel my heart grow for this one like it did for hannah. i can't wait for that.
12) i wonder if hannah will realize that babies aren't as durable or flexible or tolerant as kitties.
13) i can't wait for hannah to be a big sister.
hannah, what in the world are we going to do with you? this new arrival is not going to be nearly the culture shock to mommy and daddy as it will be to you. things will be different, but things will be the same. nothing can or will happen that will change you being our first. our baby girl. i'll love our little boy/girl just as much as you, but my string will always be wrapped around your finger. this is going to be fun. and we can't wait to share our new adventure with you.
"i'm henry the 8th, i am. henry the 8th, i am, i am. i got married to the widow next door. she's been married one time before...
second verse! same as the first!"
Monday, January 29, 2007
Thursday, January 25, 2007
mark gottfried's "star theory" applied in general
it pains me to write about alabama basketball. it really does. writing anything usually brings me great pleasure, but talking about alabama basketball usually brings me great heartache. "why?", you may ask. aren't they in the top twenty? yes, yes they are. but that's all they'll ever be, because to reach the highest levels of basketball, your coach has to be able to coach, not just recruit. and believe me, mark gottfried can recruit. rod grizzard, gerald wallace, mo williams, kennedy winston, ronald steele and richard hendrix all have come through tuscaloosa during his tenure. all of them top 50 players in the nation. all of them lacking two things. a guy behind them threatening to take their playing time away. and a coach that can coach.
alabama got raped on the road again tuesday night by a good but not great auburn team. each of their four losses this year have been on the road to good but not great teams. in each loss, they have given up a minimum of 81 points. this tells even a casual fan that the defense is lacking. talk radio was aflutter yesterday with questions of "what is wrong?" with alabama. every game you watch, you hear about how "wonderfully talented" their starting five is. every game you watch, you see this "wonderfully talented" starting five playing very soft defense. the best theory i heard yesterday evolved into what i now will call mark gottfried's "star theory". he has been content over the last nine years to go after one stud guy per year in recruiting, and it's paid off. but if you look back at his classes over the last five years, you see one guy that has stuck around and played, and the others realizing that they will be sitting the bench and leaving for playing time elsewhere. i wrote about one of these cases this time last year. what this has left alabama with is zero depth and zero accountability. the "wonderfully talented" starting five knows that two true freshman and a crappy back up point guard are the only guys waiting to come in off the bench. would they give more effort? maybe, but at this point in all three of their careers, they aren't going to do anything to change the results of these sec road losses. and so alabama is stuck. no depth. no competition for playing time. no motivation to play harder on defense because you know you aren't coming out of the game. no accountability. and thus, alabama may be headed to the nit this year with a starting five "wonderfully talented" enough to make a run to the final four but one without spine.
i think we all can probably relate to the "star theory". we've all worked or known people that are in certain positions, whether it be at work, church or at the country club that take their positions of power for granted. they know that there aren't any "real" consequences for their performance not being as good as it could be if they gave their all. what happens to a church pastor that is losing numbers or young families if the "old money" is still keeping the budget where it needs to be to coast? not much. what happens to a store manager that feels like his job is safe even though his employees are begrudgingly doing the lion's share of the work? nothing. what happens if you are an incredibly incompetent children's minister at a baptist church in pinson that sucks up to the right people? you get a raise.
the "star theory" is tough to deal with. especially if you feel like you are giving your all and still being shit upon. whether that shit is not moving up the ladder as fast as you would like, or being frustrated when you see something that used to be great not living up to it's true potential or if you are a fan and don't have your team of choice playing hard when they are getting to travel the country and a free education for playing a game.
what we do with that frustration, though, will always help to define us. we could give up. become apathetic and miserable. convince ourselves that we are destined to be unhappy for the rest of our waking lives.
or we can fight. become more passionate and invested in that church you love. keep working harder than everyone else and know you will reap the rewards soon enough. keep rooting for alabama basketball so you can stand at the front of the line when they make those oh-so-special runs to the elite eight.
for the moment, i choose to fight.
it pains me to write about alabama basketball. it really does. writing anything usually brings me great pleasure, but talking about alabama basketball usually brings me great heartache. "why?", you may ask. aren't they in the top twenty? yes, yes they are. but that's all they'll ever be, because to reach the highest levels of basketball, your coach has to be able to coach, not just recruit. and believe me, mark gottfried can recruit. rod grizzard, gerald wallace, mo williams, kennedy winston, ronald steele and richard hendrix all have come through tuscaloosa during his tenure. all of them top 50 players in the nation. all of them lacking two things. a guy behind them threatening to take their playing time away. and a coach that can coach.
alabama got raped on the road again tuesday night by a good but not great auburn team. each of their four losses this year have been on the road to good but not great teams. in each loss, they have given up a minimum of 81 points. this tells even a casual fan that the defense is lacking. talk radio was aflutter yesterday with questions of "what is wrong?" with alabama. every game you watch, you hear about how "wonderfully talented" their starting five is. every game you watch, you see this "wonderfully talented" starting five playing very soft defense. the best theory i heard yesterday evolved into what i now will call mark gottfried's "star theory". he has been content over the last nine years to go after one stud guy per year in recruiting, and it's paid off. but if you look back at his classes over the last five years, you see one guy that has stuck around and played, and the others realizing that they will be sitting the bench and leaving for playing time elsewhere. i wrote about one of these cases this time last year. what this has left alabama with is zero depth and zero accountability. the "wonderfully talented" starting five knows that two true freshman and a crappy back up point guard are the only guys waiting to come in off the bench. would they give more effort? maybe, but at this point in all three of their careers, they aren't going to do anything to change the results of these sec road losses. and so alabama is stuck. no depth. no competition for playing time. no motivation to play harder on defense because you know you aren't coming out of the game. no accountability. and thus, alabama may be headed to the nit this year with a starting five "wonderfully talented" enough to make a run to the final four but one without spine.
i think we all can probably relate to the "star theory". we've all worked or known people that are in certain positions, whether it be at work, church or at the country club that take their positions of power for granted. they know that there aren't any "real" consequences for their performance not being as good as it could be if they gave their all. what happens to a church pastor that is losing numbers or young families if the "old money" is still keeping the budget where it needs to be to coast? not much. what happens to a store manager that feels like his job is safe even though his employees are begrudgingly doing the lion's share of the work? nothing. what happens if you are an incredibly incompetent children's minister at a baptist church in pinson that sucks up to the right people? you get a raise.
the "star theory" is tough to deal with. especially if you feel like you are giving your all and still being shit upon. whether that shit is not moving up the ladder as fast as you would like, or being frustrated when you see something that used to be great not living up to it's true potential or if you are a fan and don't have your team of choice playing hard when they are getting to travel the country and a free education for playing a game.
what we do with that frustration, though, will always help to define us. we could give up. become apathetic and miserable. convince ourselves that we are destined to be unhappy for the rest of our waking lives.
or we can fight. become more passionate and invested in that church you love. keep working harder than everyone else and know you will reap the rewards soon enough. keep rooting for alabama basketball so you can stand at the front of the line when they make those oh-so-special runs to the elite eight.
for the moment, i choose to fight.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
the children's place
(if by children you mean children of low to middle-income families that don't expect too much attention, too many state-of-the-present educational tools, 21st-century-looking classrooms or teacher-to-child ratios that fit within dhr standards)
(hannah and me, part eighteen)
i am something of a reactionary most of the time. i don't really see this as a fault as much as i do the product of not wanting to worry about any little thing all of the time. what could happen is something that i will think about, but never obsess over. could i die in a car wreck from not putting my seatbelt on when traveling across a parking lot? well, yes, i guess i could. most likely, it's not going to happen, so i don't worry about it. could i be less sore after a softball game, basketball game or football practice if i stretched beforehand? sure i could, but the sore isn't too inconvenient, so i usually don't. could i be taken over by the impulse to rob a bank on my way to work this afternoon? i most certainly could, but my lack of forethought in not having a ski mask packed away in my glove compartment and/or my lack of owning any weapon threatening enough to rob a bank with will save me from years of imprisonment. now there are exceptions to this rule, but that is a subject for another post when the exception proves relevant to being written about.
sarah is different. she is worried all the time. what could happen will keep her up at night. sometimes, such as in arguments over wearing a seatbelt in the parking lot, this drives me crazy. there are other times, though, that her worry makes sense. case in point. yesterday, i picked hannah up from daycare and her classroom was like a scene out of any movie you can think of where there is one parent/teacher/guardian repsonsible for too many children and are obviously in over their heads. right now, i am thinking of kindergarten cop. the teacher knew she was in trouble. she was serving as potty patrol for one kid. a jungle gym for another. and a handwasher for another. all at the same time. meanwhile, one of hannah's friends is tying something around hannah's neck. she isn't hurting hannah. so, i don't really think anything of it. i make a comment to kearra that she looks like she has her hands full. she tells me that she is currently watching 15 kids. by herself!!! i thought, "man, that sucks for you." and hannah and i headed home. not until i told the story to sarah last night did i think anything of it. the kids seemed ok. no one was bleeding. the worst case scenario didn't seem to be playing itself out. i am cool. well, of course, sarah freaks out. she gets online and sees that, according to dhr rules, hannah's class yesterday afternoon seems to be breaking 90 percent of them. turns out, according to a conversation sarah had with her teachers this morning, that the teacher-to-child ratio in her class is supposed to be 7 to 1. yikes.
so, what do we do? what do i do? the children's place (our church's daycare and hannah's daytime home since she was a baby) has struggled mightily in the last couple years. they don't have the budget to hire capable people, so turnover is always high. when they find a diamond in the rough, they don't have the money to keep them. and because they are always shorthanded, the dependable teachers are always left to cover for others by pulling shifts longer than they should. even people that love kids need a break and they all have a breaking point. i walked by the baby room last week and saw the interim director sitting in a rocking chair with her eyes closed. did it strike me as odd? kind of, but there weren't any babies screaming, so i am sure she just wanted to find a quiet place to get away for a minute.
the children's place, much like humc on the whole, has been floating by on reputation for years now. i know this. sarah knows this. any long time member of the church must have an idea. but the worst case scenario hasn't played out, so why worry about the slipping quality if you are still bringing in kids and money and parents that don't know any better. well, the answer is easy. with the children's place and the church. what's the old saying? "if you aren't moving forward, you are moving backwards." something like that. and people that care about not moving backwards, people that care about the well-being of their children are not so naive to believe that the worst case scenario will not, one day, play out. and so the aware and the enlightened parents will move on. many already have. there are only a couple kids, hannah's age, that are left at the children's place. most have seen the flaws and moved on to daycares that make them feel safe. places that make them feel that the worst case scenario has a far greater chance of not happening than happening.
we have stuck with the church and daycare out of loyalty and love. it is our home. these people. these pastors. these teachers are our family. but hannah's physical and spiritual well-being coming into question changes things, doesn't it?
i may be the yin to sarah's yang when it comes to worry, but in this case, hannah's case, i am on board with her. things have to change.
for the better.
(if by children you mean children of low to middle-income families that don't expect too much attention, too many state-of-the-present educational tools, 21st-century-looking classrooms or teacher-to-child ratios that fit within dhr standards)
(hannah and me, part eighteen)
i am something of a reactionary most of the time. i don't really see this as a fault as much as i do the product of not wanting to worry about any little thing all of the time. what could happen is something that i will think about, but never obsess over. could i die in a car wreck from not putting my seatbelt on when traveling across a parking lot? well, yes, i guess i could. most likely, it's not going to happen, so i don't worry about it. could i be less sore after a softball game, basketball game or football practice if i stretched beforehand? sure i could, but the sore isn't too inconvenient, so i usually don't. could i be taken over by the impulse to rob a bank on my way to work this afternoon? i most certainly could, but my lack of forethought in not having a ski mask packed away in my glove compartment and/or my lack of owning any weapon threatening enough to rob a bank with will save me from years of imprisonment. now there are exceptions to this rule, but that is a subject for another post when the exception proves relevant to being written about.
sarah is different. she is worried all the time. what could happen will keep her up at night. sometimes, such as in arguments over wearing a seatbelt in the parking lot, this drives me crazy. there are other times, though, that her worry makes sense. case in point. yesterday, i picked hannah up from daycare and her classroom was like a scene out of any movie you can think of where there is one parent/teacher/guardian repsonsible for too many children and are obviously in over their heads. right now, i am thinking of kindergarten cop. the teacher knew she was in trouble. she was serving as potty patrol for one kid. a jungle gym for another. and a handwasher for another. all at the same time. meanwhile, one of hannah's friends is tying something around hannah's neck. she isn't hurting hannah. so, i don't really think anything of it. i make a comment to kearra that she looks like she has her hands full. she tells me that she is currently watching 15 kids. by herself!!! i thought, "man, that sucks for you." and hannah and i headed home. not until i told the story to sarah last night did i think anything of it. the kids seemed ok. no one was bleeding. the worst case scenario didn't seem to be playing itself out. i am cool. well, of course, sarah freaks out. she gets online and sees that, according to dhr rules, hannah's class yesterday afternoon seems to be breaking 90 percent of them. turns out, according to a conversation sarah had with her teachers this morning, that the teacher-to-child ratio in her class is supposed to be 7 to 1. yikes.
so, what do we do? what do i do? the children's place (our church's daycare and hannah's daytime home since she was a baby) has struggled mightily in the last couple years. they don't have the budget to hire capable people, so turnover is always high. when they find a diamond in the rough, they don't have the money to keep them. and because they are always shorthanded, the dependable teachers are always left to cover for others by pulling shifts longer than they should. even people that love kids need a break and they all have a breaking point. i walked by the baby room last week and saw the interim director sitting in a rocking chair with her eyes closed. did it strike me as odd? kind of, but there weren't any babies screaming, so i am sure she just wanted to find a quiet place to get away for a minute.
the children's place, much like humc on the whole, has been floating by on reputation for years now. i know this. sarah knows this. any long time member of the church must have an idea. but the worst case scenario hasn't played out, so why worry about the slipping quality if you are still bringing in kids and money and parents that don't know any better. well, the answer is easy. with the children's place and the church. what's the old saying? "if you aren't moving forward, you are moving backwards." something like that. and people that care about not moving backwards, people that care about the well-being of their children are not so naive to believe that the worst case scenario will not, one day, play out. and so the aware and the enlightened parents will move on. many already have. there are only a couple kids, hannah's age, that are left at the children's place. most have seen the flaws and moved on to daycares that make them feel safe. places that make them feel that the worst case scenario has a far greater chance of not happening than happening.
we have stuck with the church and daycare out of loyalty and love. it is our home. these people. these pastors. these teachers are our family. but hannah's physical and spiritual well-being coming into question changes things, doesn't it?
i may be the yin to sarah's yang when it comes to worry, but in this case, hannah's case, i am on board with her. things have to change.
for the better.
Friday, January 12, 2007
can "h" stand for hispanic and huffman at the same time?
(now that it's not hearsay, here's what i say.)
my brother-in-law, joseph. most of you know him. i love him to death. he recently took a hiatus from my world of retail pet supplies to focus on being a senior in high school. fair enough. no one will hold that against him. joseph used to play a huge role in the youth department at huffman united methodist church. present at every event. vocal in every discussion. vital to the creative process of many a program. even after i went away, joseph stayed true to his church and his youth group. then something funny happened. his church and his youth group didn't stay true to him. joseph got a job. joseph got a girl. joseph got to get ready for college. schedule fills up. church attendance drops a tad. naturally, rumors start to fly. for some reason, unbeknownst to me, the rumors turn towards being mean and, naturally, rumor-liscious. two friends of mine happen upon the youth director at huffman not too long ago. the youth are practicing for their christmas program. the two wonder out loud to the youth director where joseph is. they are told something along the lines of. 'he is not around anymore.' 'he spends a lot of time with his girlfriend.' 'i've heard she's a wiccan.' ..............
wtf? did i hear that right? let's remove the content of the mudslinging from the discussion. but did you just tell me the youth director of a (my) church dragged an eighteen year-old's (and his girl's, mind you) name through the mud in order to redirect the attention away from the fact that joseph (who has been up until recently a prominent member of this group and church for the last five plus years) isn't there practicing?
hol-y. shit.
fast forward to yesterday. i get an e-mail from donna letting friends and folks know that her position as pastor of young adults has been eliminated. that there are rumors (rumors, granted.) circulating that the about to be vacated children's director position will not be filled either. this e-mail comes four days after the congregation is told that for the first time in three years the staff will be able to be given raises due to the budget surplus and (naturally) their outstanding performance. ouch, babe. if only i knew that the path to financial success would be to stay at huffman, keep pissing off parents, losing numbers, alienating veteran members, repainting the youth center, locking up early, dumping the youth choir, taking off my shoes and spreading rumor and innuendo, shoot, i would have treaded water there for as long as i could. screw chris and his money pit of a church plant. right, chris?
and so, here i sit. wondering what's left. my heart keeps telling me that huffman is worth my heartache. my worry. my silly rants. but moreso than ever, my mind is telling me something completely different. maybe the staff cuts are part of a larger picture. maybe more money and focus will now be poured into the hispanic community. it will be our effort to make "h" stand for huffman and hispanic at the same time. maybe that was charles lee's biggest gaffe. he didn't realize that "h" could never stand for black. that's just silly.
and so, here i sit. battling with the want to kick a youth director's ass for talking out of turn about my family to cover up his own ineptitude. battling with the pulpit relaying a message of hope when only three days later, the voice from behind the curtain tells a friend that she is no longer needed.
is this the kind of thing that i want hannah to be a part of? is this the kind of place you would wish upon your enemy? or are these merely growing pains. casualties of war to find some greater foothold in god's plan and kingdom.
maybe. maybe not. that god. sometimes He can be pretty mysterious...
oh, wait. nope. He's not. the only mysterious thing about god is that He and His plan are too big to fully understand. He is a god of love. a god that cares for his own. the two acts detailed above aren't examples of that love. i cannot believe that. i don't believe that. i never will.
and so i sit here and ponder. what's next? what should i do? just be mad? cut my losses and move on? try and swallow it and move along with the current? that just doesn't seem right. it seems like i'd be letting too many people down if i did.
i really don't know.
(now that it's not hearsay, here's what i say.)
my brother-in-law, joseph. most of you know him. i love him to death. he recently took a hiatus from my world of retail pet supplies to focus on being a senior in high school. fair enough. no one will hold that against him. joseph used to play a huge role in the youth department at huffman united methodist church. present at every event. vocal in every discussion. vital to the creative process of many a program. even after i went away, joseph stayed true to his church and his youth group. then something funny happened. his church and his youth group didn't stay true to him. joseph got a job. joseph got a girl. joseph got to get ready for college. schedule fills up. church attendance drops a tad. naturally, rumors start to fly. for some reason, unbeknownst to me, the rumors turn towards being mean and, naturally, rumor-liscious. two friends of mine happen upon the youth director at huffman not too long ago. the youth are practicing for their christmas program. the two wonder out loud to the youth director where joseph is. they are told something along the lines of. 'he is not around anymore.' 'he spends a lot of time with his girlfriend.' 'i've heard she's a wiccan.' ..............
wtf? did i hear that right? let's remove the content of the mudslinging from the discussion. but did you just tell me the youth director of a (my) church dragged an eighteen year-old's (and his girl's, mind you) name through the mud in order to redirect the attention away from the fact that joseph (who has been up until recently a prominent member of this group and church for the last five plus years) isn't there practicing?
hol-y. shit.
fast forward to yesterday. i get an e-mail from donna letting friends and folks know that her position as pastor of young adults has been eliminated. that there are rumors (rumors, granted.) circulating that the about to be vacated children's director position will not be filled either. this e-mail comes four days after the congregation is told that for the first time in three years the staff will be able to be given raises due to the budget surplus and (naturally) their outstanding performance. ouch, babe. if only i knew that the path to financial success would be to stay at huffman, keep pissing off parents, losing numbers, alienating veteran members, repainting the youth center, locking up early, dumping the youth choir, taking off my shoes and spreading rumor and innuendo, shoot, i would have treaded water there for as long as i could. screw chris and his money pit of a church plant. right, chris?
and so, here i sit. wondering what's left. my heart keeps telling me that huffman is worth my heartache. my worry. my silly rants. but moreso than ever, my mind is telling me something completely different. maybe the staff cuts are part of a larger picture. maybe more money and focus will now be poured into the hispanic community. it will be our effort to make "h" stand for huffman and hispanic at the same time. maybe that was charles lee's biggest gaffe. he didn't realize that "h" could never stand for black. that's just silly.
and so, here i sit. battling with the want to kick a youth director's ass for talking out of turn about my family to cover up his own ineptitude. battling with the pulpit relaying a message of hope when only three days later, the voice from behind the curtain tells a friend that she is no longer needed.
is this the kind of thing that i want hannah to be a part of? is this the kind of place you would wish upon your enemy? or are these merely growing pains. casualties of war to find some greater foothold in god's plan and kingdom.
maybe. maybe not. that god. sometimes He can be pretty mysterious...
oh, wait. nope. He's not. the only mysterious thing about god is that He and His plan are too big to fully understand. He is a god of love. a god that cares for his own. the two acts detailed above aren't examples of that love. i cannot believe that. i don't believe that. i never will.
and so i sit here and ponder. what's next? what should i do? just be mad? cut my losses and move on? try and swallow it and move along with the current? that just doesn't seem right. it seems like i'd be letting too many people down if i did.
i really don't know.
Monday, January 08, 2007
new year, new layout
if you are a regular visitor to this page, you've already noticed one big difference brought upon with the new year. that's right! the new layout. i think i am liking it more and more. i find myself clicking on the page just to check out the colors. i'll probably try fiddling around (pictures, links, more cursing) with posts from time to time this year to make it a more attractive visit. what can i say? as hannah gets older, she needs her stimulations to be more advanced. i am growing with her. i am not a "gadget" kind of guy. but by the time she gets old enough to read and understand my musings, she is going to think of this page in the same way i think of typewriters. very old. very boring. where are the lights? the bling? the techno-savvy elements that all the "kids" are into these days (these days probably being around the year 2015 when i am sure she will asking for one of those cool levitating skateboards from back to the future 2 for christmas). it's funny how "old school" and out of touch i am already afraid of becoming. i was afraid to hook up my computer that sarah got me for christmas because i didn't want to fuck it up. ipods? too much work. i'll stick to cd's. gps units? if it ain't on yahoo maps, i don't need to go there. those of you that know me well already know how big of a leap it is for me to carry my cell phone with me and answer it (from time to time). so, now that i think about it, brightening up the page every once and again will end up being a shallow effort that hannah ends up making fun of me for. that's ok. i know i'll at least have one thing. i'll be the only dad in her class that throws around the word "fuck" at the dinner table like it's going out of style. gratuitous cursing will never be "uncool", right? what do you mean it already is?
you don't know shit.
and now, on to a few belated new year's resolutions:
1) don't get fat. this is my number one every year, and up 'til now, i've been blessed in that i really don't have to try. i've got a pretty good metabolism working for me. i work out three times a week. i play a sport (softball, basketball, and now flag football) year-round. i never eat more than twice a day. twice a year it seems i catch some sort of vomit-inducing stomach virus where i lose ten pounds in eight hours. those are the positives. the negatives? my diet sucks. way too much fast food. way too much of something called trans-fat. don't even know what the hell that is. don't want to know. i just know it's bad. sooner than later, the diet thing is going to catch up with me. i can't make fat jokes if i, too, am fat. most of my "make sarah's eyes roll material" will be lost if i can't make fat jokes. so, again, number one is don't get fat.
2) don't die. let's not even wonder how this might affect the people around me. let's just focus on me. i've written about my deathdreams. best line i heard all year was from brand new. "i'm not scared of death. i'm a little bit scared of what comes after." i concur. i kind of "die" every night when i fall asleep. then i wake up, though. my mind is not at peace yet with the not waking up part. should be, but isn't. just being honest. so, right behind don't get fat is don't die.
3) be a better husband and father. i did ok with both of these last year. could be better. want to be better. don't let this being third on the list fool you. it's a really close third. you don't understand how much i don't want to be fat and die.
4) make you smile. whoever you are, if you are around me, i want to be a bright spot on your day and not a dark one.
5) decide on what i am going to do to with the whole church thing. am i going to commit or not? this definitely goes back to the heart vs. brain battle from the last post.
6) try and write more. writing makes me happy. i slacked off a little towards the end of the year. i should try harder.
7) buy good music. at least 25 purchases for the year. do not be "that guy" that resigns himself to the records he has in his collection already. keep buying new music. (soon to be bought: from 2006 - the format and the decemberists...2007 - the shins and fall out boy)
8) go back to an alabama football game. home schedule this year is too good not to.
9) keep bad mouthing alabama basketball. you lose to arkansas by 27 points, you deserve it.
10) fool myself into thinking the braves will be back in post-season this year in order to enjoy baseball.
11) go back to a falcons game. bobby petrino...meet michael vick. love him. use him. he is the most wonderful toy you will ever be able to play with.
12) take a vacation.
13) see lebron. and steve nash.
i think that's a pretty good start considering i had no idea what i was going to talk about when i started. to all of you that think new year's resolutions are pointless. get over yourself and make some. stick to it. feeling of accomplishment = good. apathy = bad.
here's wishing you all a healthy and hope-filled 2007.
if you are a regular visitor to this page, you've already noticed one big difference brought upon with the new year. that's right! the new layout. i think i am liking it more and more. i find myself clicking on the page just to check out the colors. i'll probably try fiddling around (pictures, links, more cursing) with posts from time to time this year to make it a more attractive visit. what can i say? as hannah gets older, she needs her stimulations to be more advanced. i am growing with her. i am not a "gadget" kind of guy. but by the time she gets old enough to read and understand my musings, she is going to think of this page in the same way i think of typewriters. very old. very boring. where are the lights? the bling? the techno-savvy elements that all the "kids" are into these days (these days probably being around the year 2015 when i am sure she will asking for one of those cool levitating skateboards from back to the future 2 for christmas). it's funny how "old school" and out of touch i am already afraid of becoming. i was afraid to hook up my computer that sarah got me for christmas because i didn't want to fuck it up. ipods? too much work. i'll stick to cd's. gps units? if it ain't on yahoo maps, i don't need to go there. those of you that know me well already know how big of a leap it is for me to carry my cell phone with me and answer it (from time to time). so, now that i think about it, brightening up the page every once and again will end up being a shallow effort that hannah ends up making fun of me for. that's ok. i know i'll at least have one thing. i'll be the only dad in her class that throws around the word "fuck" at the dinner table like it's going out of style. gratuitous cursing will never be "uncool", right? what do you mean it already is?
you don't know shit.
and now, on to a few belated new year's resolutions:
1) don't get fat. this is my number one every year, and up 'til now, i've been blessed in that i really don't have to try. i've got a pretty good metabolism working for me. i work out three times a week. i play a sport (softball, basketball, and now flag football) year-round. i never eat more than twice a day. twice a year it seems i catch some sort of vomit-inducing stomach virus where i lose ten pounds in eight hours. those are the positives. the negatives? my diet sucks. way too much fast food. way too much of something called trans-fat. don't even know what the hell that is. don't want to know. i just know it's bad. sooner than later, the diet thing is going to catch up with me. i can't make fat jokes if i, too, am fat. most of my "make sarah's eyes roll material" will be lost if i can't make fat jokes. so, again, number one is don't get fat.
2) don't die. let's not even wonder how this might affect the people around me. let's just focus on me. i've written about my deathdreams. best line i heard all year was from brand new. "i'm not scared of death. i'm a little bit scared of what comes after." i concur. i kind of "die" every night when i fall asleep. then i wake up, though. my mind is not at peace yet with the not waking up part. should be, but isn't. just being honest. so, right behind don't get fat is don't die.
3) be a better husband and father. i did ok with both of these last year. could be better. want to be better. don't let this being third on the list fool you. it's a really close third. you don't understand how much i don't want to be fat and die.
4) make you smile. whoever you are, if you are around me, i want to be a bright spot on your day and not a dark one.
5) decide on what i am going to do to with the whole church thing. am i going to commit or not? this definitely goes back to the heart vs. brain battle from the last post.
6) try and write more. writing makes me happy. i slacked off a little towards the end of the year. i should try harder.
7) buy good music. at least 25 purchases for the year. do not be "that guy" that resigns himself to the records he has in his collection already. keep buying new music. (soon to be bought: from 2006 - the format and the decemberists...2007 - the shins and fall out boy)
8) go back to an alabama football game. home schedule this year is too good not to.
9) keep bad mouthing alabama basketball. you lose to arkansas by 27 points, you deserve it.
10) fool myself into thinking the braves will be back in post-season this year in order to enjoy baseball.
11) go back to a falcons game. bobby petrino...meet michael vick. love him. use him. he is the most wonderful toy you will ever be able to play with.
12) take a vacation.
13) see lebron. and steve nash.
i think that's a pretty good start considering i had no idea what i was going to talk about when i started. to all of you that think new year's resolutions are pointless. get over yourself and make some. stick to it. feeling of accomplishment = good. apathy = bad.
here's wishing you all a healthy and hope-filled 2007.
Friday, January 05, 2007
"i'm not going to be the alabama coach."
(nick saban is the devil)
(a letter to a liar from a liar)
(if i seem a little taller, don't worry. i am just standing on my soapbox.)
i am having a hard time wrapping my head around all the nick saban bashing that seems to be happening outside of this state. i'll grant you that my take on this is seen through crimson and white glasses, but let's be serious. who here has never said one thing only to turn around and do something else? who here has not lied? who here is so morally beyond reproach that they can call into question someone's integrity without first questioning their own?
espn? come on now, guys. "the liar's club"? don shula? just because your son was horrible and you weren't good enough to win dan marino a super bowl doesn't mean you have to bash the guy that left the dolphins better off than he found it. sure, this was supposed to be the dolphins' "breakthrough year", but they didn't have a fucking quarterback!!! ronnie brown was hurt for half the season! settle down, old man, settle! sure, you went 17-0. that was 34 fucking years ago!!! you sucked for how long after that? give me a break.
let me give you a personal example of something that i, myself, went through. shortly after christmas last year, a key member of common ground church in huntsville quit our team. looking back, i now know that from that point forward my heart was no longer in huntsville with common ground. maybe it never truly was. maybe i was looking for an excuse to get back to birmingham because by going to huntsville i had found the reason that i never should've left. whatever it was, i knew where i would end up, at the very latest at the end of sarah's internship in august, would be birmingham. but here's where my analogy ties in with saban. that my heart wasn't in it did not change, in even the smallest fucking way, my commitment to common ground. i respected our effort. i respected chris too much to back away then.
"mr. o'kelley, there are rumors that you are going back to birmingham."
"i am not going back. our job here isn't done."
"mr. o'kelley, we have sources that tell us you have shown interest in managing a pet supplies "plus" back in huffman."
"i have no idea where that came from. i don't even like MY pets. why would i want to help run a pet store."
"so, you are staying with common ground and coldstone."
"I AM NOT GOING BACK TO BIRMINGHAM."
well, it turns out i came back to birmingham. my heart was here. it always was. but my commitment was in huntsville. does that mean i lied to myself? to others? maybe. maybe not. just depends on how you choose to report it. i don't think so. i think a person can be fully "committed" to some direction, to some job, to some idea and have their heart eventually pull them elsewhere. and i believe this is, in some way, what happened to nick saban. he was so fully "committed", in mind and body, to his team and his owner that he would not even entertain the thought of going to alabama. but his heart would.
we are all liars, people. to one degree or another. if you've ever told someone you'd call them and didn't follow up, that counts. if you cheated on a paper or test, that counts. if you told a girl you really liked titanic, that counts. if you ever told someone that you loved them and then chose to not see them for years, that definitely counts. whatever the degree, we are all in the same freakin' boat. to call nick saban out, to call anyone out without looking yourself in the mirror is quite, quite shallow.
i lie. all the time. i am not a premeditated liar anymore. sometimes, though, i just can't help it.
hannah, you are going to lie to your mommy and daddy maliciously and you are going to feel so bad about it. i know this because i've been there and done that. it's ok, we still love you. in advance.
nick saban is going to lie to me. and you, alabama fan. but i still love him. in advance.
opinion is great, because everyone has one. blogging is great, because in this world, my opinion is right.
i am of the opionion that if you are upset with nick saban or any other liar at this very moment, you should chill out. go get some ice cream. and know that the vast majority of liars are just people that have a battle being waged inside them between their head and their heart and are just trying to find their way through this world.
roll fucking tide.
(nick saban is the devil)
(a letter to a liar from a liar)
(if i seem a little taller, don't worry. i am just standing on my soapbox.)
i am having a hard time wrapping my head around all the nick saban bashing that seems to be happening outside of this state. i'll grant you that my take on this is seen through crimson and white glasses, but let's be serious. who here has never said one thing only to turn around and do something else? who here has not lied? who here is so morally beyond reproach that they can call into question someone's integrity without first questioning their own?
espn? come on now, guys. "the liar's club"? don shula? just because your son was horrible and you weren't good enough to win dan marino a super bowl doesn't mean you have to bash the guy that left the dolphins better off than he found it. sure, this was supposed to be the dolphins' "breakthrough year", but they didn't have a fucking quarterback!!! ronnie brown was hurt for half the season! settle down, old man, settle! sure, you went 17-0. that was 34 fucking years ago!!! you sucked for how long after that? give me a break.
let me give you a personal example of something that i, myself, went through. shortly after christmas last year, a key member of common ground church in huntsville quit our team. looking back, i now know that from that point forward my heart was no longer in huntsville with common ground. maybe it never truly was. maybe i was looking for an excuse to get back to birmingham because by going to huntsville i had found the reason that i never should've left. whatever it was, i knew where i would end up, at the very latest at the end of sarah's internship in august, would be birmingham. but here's where my analogy ties in with saban. that my heart wasn't in it did not change, in even the smallest fucking way, my commitment to common ground. i respected our effort. i respected chris too much to back away then.
"mr. o'kelley, there are rumors that you are going back to birmingham."
"i am not going back. our job here isn't done."
"mr. o'kelley, we have sources that tell us you have shown interest in managing a pet supplies "plus" back in huffman."
"i have no idea where that came from. i don't even like MY pets. why would i want to help run a pet store."
"so, you are staying with common ground and coldstone."
"I AM NOT GOING BACK TO BIRMINGHAM."
well, it turns out i came back to birmingham. my heart was here. it always was. but my commitment was in huntsville. does that mean i lied to myself? to others? maybe. maybe not. just depends on how you choose to report it. i don't think so. i think a person can be fully "committed" to some direction, to some job, to some idea and have their heart eventually pull them elsewhere. and i believe this is, in some way, what happened to nick saban. he was so fully "committed", in mind and body, to his team and his owner that he would not even entertain the thought of going to alabama. but his heart would.
we are all liars, people. to one degree or another. if you've ever told someone you'd call them and didn't follow up, that counts. if you cheated on a paper or test, that counts. if you told a girl you really liked titanic, that counts. if you ever told someone that you loved them and then chose to not see them for years, that definitely counts. whatever the degree, we are all in the same freakin' boat. to call nick saban out, to call anyone out without looking yourself in the mirror is quite, quite shallow.
i lie. all the time. i am not a premeditated liar anymore. sometimes, though, i just can't help it.
hannah, you are going to lie to your mommy and daddy maliciously and you are going to feel so bad about it. i know this because i've been there and done that. it's ok, we still love you. in advance.
nick saban is going to lie to me. and you, alabama fan. but i still love him. in advance.
opinion is great, because everyone has one. blogging is great, because in this world, my opinion is right.
i am of the opionion that if you are upset with nick saban or any other liar at this very moment, you should chill out. go get some ice cream. and know that the vast majority of liars are just people that have a battle being waged inside them between their head and their heart and are just trying to find their way through this world.
roll fucking tide.
Sunday, December 31, 2006
the list
the last day of the year. why not spend the remaining hours contemplating my year in music. i thought i'd wait 'til next week to post the order and explanations, but after finishing andy's list, i was inspired to go ahead with mine.
first, the disclaimer. i mentioned with last year's list that my purchases were fewer than in year's past. well, there were even fewer this year. 24 all told, including a christmas gift. that's two per month, which still sounds pretty high, but it's not when compared to three or four years ago when i could buy four to five cd's a month. why the continued dropoff? well, after returning home in april from (part-time) huntsville, my commute for the next four months was about a minute and a half. ergo, not enough time in the car. ergo, not much motivation to buy music for the car. also, wjox 690 has recently expanded into the fm universe. this may not mean much to some of you, but what it means to me is that i have access to sports talk 24-7 now. previously, am jox would power down at 6 pm on the weekdays and through the weekend, so unless you were driving circles around their studio during the down times, you couldn't really pick up the signal. having sports "always on" in my car has also whiddled at my need for new music every time i crank the tribute up. due to these circumstances, i am trimming the yearly top ten down so not to water down the list. a "top ten" out of 24 wouldn't be very exclusive. this year, it'll be...
my top five records of 2006!!!!!
5) the arctic monkeys - whatever people say i am, that's what i'm not - snotty, brit punk/rock at it's finest. when oasis ruled the world ten years ago, i told myself that i'd never be into a british band that was "the next big thing" or set to "take over rock". well, i was wrong. these guys are all about twenty years old, but the music is way more mature than their age. the insight from the story-esque songs also doesn't seem to fit into what must be very limited life experience. nevertheless, it all fits and flows. every song has a definining melody. a guitar lick that will stick in your head for days. good stuff. fun stuff. the first album i bought this year with twelve months of staying power.
4) my chemical romance - the black parade - i've been surprised to see this album popping up on year end end lists everywhere. but not too surprised. only because it's that good. mcr have always had the theatrical element as part of their definition. this album, though, owns the theatrics and puts it in the forefront of what may end up being the generation behind me's tommy. a rock opera from the word go. these guys are really good rock musicians, and now they understand what they want their band to be. queen. could be worse, right jacob?
and thus begins the biggest cop-out since i've been doing these lists.
1a) blood brothers - young machetes - that's right. 1a. which means there is going to be a 1b and 1c. i just can't find anything to separate my top three. all three albums i listen to without skipping a track. all three albums a little different. all three my favorite of 2006. there isn't much i can say about this album that i didn't already back in october, so i won't repeat myself. bottom line is that this album has only grown on me since then. i listen to it every time i work out. the only notion that i'll disagree with andy on is that it's not pop. it's not justin timberlake pop. or even brandtson pop. it's blood brothers pop. and that, in my mind, is what all pop should be be made of.
1b) park - building a better _____ - my next two have more in common with andy's list than i was first willing to acknowledge. while andy's list is full of singer/songwriters, park and brand new are very much the brainchildren of dominant frontmen. it won't be long before ladd mitchell and jesse lacey are known outside of their bands. i hope not too soon, though, for i like them both very much in their current incarnations. park's last album kicked serious ass. a lot of emotional/suicidal/depressed rock in a package that was hard not to classify as "emo". they stepped away from the screaming on this record and put together a beautiful effort. as romantic and inspiring in places as their last album was a downer, i could sit and sing lines from this album all day. i love ladd's voice and his sense of melody is one of the most impressive i've ever heard. if you haven't heard park, give this album a try before their last couple and work backwards. or save the others for a rainy day. this one has a couple sad songs, but building a better _______ always points toward the light at the end of the tunnel.
1c) brand new - the devil and god are raging inside me - it is no accident that the two albums i most looked forward to going into 2006, blood bros. and brand new, ended up as co-number ones. they are two of my favorite bands. and like any good band, they don't make the same record twice. i almost let myself be sucked into the online negativity towards this album. it's not deja entendu. it's so "different". but the different is what, ultimately, makes this great. much less accessible than their first two albums, this album finds jesse and company struggling with their inner spiritual side. maybe this album's theme also hits me at a time in my life when i, too, am struggling with where god is pointing me next. whatever the case may be, i love this album. i will love it for a long, long time. and i think when it comes down to it, this may be the soundtrack to whatever direction i head in 2007. the music has reminded some of radiohead, but i don't buy that. not yet. they may be headed in that direction, but they aren't radiohead crazy yet, and i hope they never are. most of the songs tend to be soft introspections that explode into discovery or silence depending on the mood of the songwriter. that explosion is one that the listener can anticipate with every listen, but one that you could travel down a different path to every time considering the many layers that most songs contain. great album. great last purchase of 2006. will stay in the rotation for well into 2007.
just missed...
pearl jam, gatsby's american dream, saves the day, angels and airwaves, the lemonheads
songs of the year:
hide and seek - park
nausea shreds yr head, giant swan - blood brothers
the black parade - mcr
luca, archers, jesus christ - brand new
london bridge - fergie (what???)
the last day of the year. why not spend the remaining hours contemplating my year in music. i thought i'd wait 'til next week to post the order and explanations, but after finishing andy's list, i was inspired to go ahead with mine.
first, the disclaimer. i mentioned with last year's list that my purchases were fewer than in year's past. well, there were even fewer this year. 24 all told, including a christmas gift. that's two per month, which still sounds pretty high, but it's not when compared to three or four years ago when i could buy four to five cd's a month. why the continued dropoff? well, after returning home in april from (part-time) huntsville, my commute for the next four months was about a minute and a half. ergo, not enough time in the car. ergo, not much motivation to buy music for the car. also, wjox 690 has recently expanded into the fm universe. this may not mean much to some of you, but what it means to me is that i have access to sports talk 24-7 now. previously, am jox would power down at 6 pm on the weekdays and through the weekend, so unless you were driving circles around their studio during the down times, you couldn't really pick up the signal. having sports "always on" in my car has also whiddled at my need for new music every time i crank the tribute up. due to these circumstances, i am trimming the yearly top ten down so not to water down the list. a "top ten" out of 24 wouldn't be very exclusive. this year, it'll be...
my top five records of 2006!!!!!
5) the arctic monkeys - whatever people say i am, that's what i'm not - snotty, brit punk/rock at it's finest. when oasis ruled the world ten years ago, i told myself that i'd never be into a british band that was "the next big thing" or set to "take over rock". well, i was wrong. these guys are all about twenty years old, but the music is way more mature than their age. the insight from the story-esque songs also doesn't seem to fit into what must be very limited life experience. nevertheless, it all fits and flows. every song has a definining melody. a guitar lick that will stick in your head for days. good stuff. fun stuff. the first album i bought this year with twelve months of staying power.
4) my chemical romance - the black parade - i've been surprised to see this album popping up on year end end lists everywhere. but not too surprised. only because it's that good. mcr have always had the theatrical element as part of their definition. this album, though, owns the theatrics and puts it in the forefront of what may end up being the generation behind me's tommy. a rock opera from the word go. these guys are really good rock musicians, and now they understand what they want their band to be. queen. could be worse, right jacob?
and thus begins the biggest cop-out since i've been doing these lists.
1a) blood brothers - young machetes - that's right. 1a. which means there is going to be a 1b and 1c. i just can't find anything to separate my top three. all three albums i listen to without skipping a track. all three albums a little different. all three my favorite of 2006. there isn't much i can say about this album that i didn't already back in october, so i won't repeat myself. bottom line is that this album has only grown on me since then. i listen to it every time i work out. the only notion that i'll disagree with andy on is that it's not pop. it's not justin timberlake pop. or even brandtson pop. it's blood brothers pop. and that, in my mind, is what all pop should be be made of.
1b) park - building a better _____ - my next two have more in common with andy's list than i was first willing to acknowledge. while andy's list is full of singer/songwriters, park and brand new are very much the brainchildren of dominant frontmen. it won't be long before ladd mitchell and jesse lacey are known outside of their bands. i hope not too soon, though, for i like them both very much in their current incarnations. park's last album kicked serious ass. a lot of emotional/suicidal/depressed rock in a package that was hard not to classify as "emo". they stepped away from the screaming on this record and put together a beautiful effort. as romantic and inspiring in places as their last album was a downer, i could sit and sing lines from this album all day. i love ladd's voice and his sense of melody is one of the most impressive i've ever heard. if you haven't heard park, give this album a try before their last couple and work backwards. or save the others for a rainy day. this one has a couple sad songs, but building a better _______ always points toward the light at the end of the tunnel.
1c) brand new - the devil and god are raging inside me - it is no accident that the two albums i most looked forward to going into 2006, blood bros. and brand new, ended up as co-number ones. they are two of my favorite bands. and like any good band, they don't make the same record twice. i almost let myself be sucked into the online negativity towards this album. it's not deja entendu. it's so "different". but the different is what, ultimately, makes this great. much less accessible than their first two albums, this album finds jesse and company struggling with their inner spiritual side. maybe this album's theme also hits me at a time in my life when i, too, am struggling with where god is pointing me next. whatever the case may be, i love this album. i will love it for a long, long time. and i think when it comes down to it, this may be the soundtrack to whatever direction i head in 2007. the music has reminded some of radiohead, but i don't buy that. not yet. they may be headed in that direction, but they aren't radiohead crazy yet, and i hope they never are. most of the songs tend to be soft introspections that explode into discovery or silence depending on the mood of the songwriter. that explosion is one that the listener can anticipate with every listen, but one that you could travel down a different path to every time considering the many layers that most songs contain. great album. great last purchase of 2006. will stay in the rotation for well into 2007.
just missed...
pearl jam, gatsby's american dream, saves the day, angels and airwaves, the lemonheads
songs of the year:
hide and seek - park
nausea shreds yr head, giant swan - blood brothers
the black parade - mcr
luca, archers, jesus christ - brand new
london bridge - fergie (what???)
Thursday, December 28, 2006
you don't realize how pleasant your "busy" christmas day was until you spend the next day throwing up
(i hate vomit)
christmas has come and gone. hannah is now three years old. we are only a few days away now from the year 2007 and all the jokes about how people are screwing up the dates on their checks because they "can't believe it's 2007!!!". honestly, how many years 'til the window on that particular conversation starter closes? five? maybe ten at the most? with the advent of the checkcard followed by it's complete integration into society, only old people write checks now anyway. when they are gone, we'll have to come up with something new.
so, what will my lasting memory of this year's christmas day be? if you are asking me six months from now, the answer may in fact be different. if you are asking me today, the answer would be vomit. let me explain.
christmas day went pretty much like the last three have gone for us. up close to dawn. family christmas. santa. family presents. the whole bit. off to marie's house for french toast and breakfast casserole and more presents. then off to sandy's (my stepmother) niece's house to visit with my dad, sandy, ken and angel for a bit. open more presents. say our good-bye's. hear crappy excuses as to why dad and sandy won't be at their granddaughter's birthday party. head home. hannah naps. we clean. hannah wakes up. head to marie's again for turkey and dressing (so good....so. good.). then back to our house for hannah's party. the party is nice. everyone has a good time. i give away my playstation 2. the house is empty. day complete. was it a busy day? sure. but every family's christmas day is busy, right? only if you are unlucky.
then comes the vomit. i wake up around 12:45 the next morning and don't feel right. i know what's coming. i just don't want to admit it. after coming out of the bathroom for the first of many, many times, i lay down. an hour later, the marathon session of losing all that lies within me begins and doesn't end until late in the a.m. hours. sarah cycles about two hours behind me most of the day and we spend one of the more miserable and memorably pathetic days together we have ever spent. both sick. neither capable of taking care of the other. both resigned to "get through it" as soon as possible. not really sure when that end is actually going to come.
i think that if i believed in a literal hell, a place of eternal damnation and suffering, i believe now that all you would do there is throw-up. what worse way can you think to spend eternity? spewing from every orifice. muscles you never realized that you had cramping at the same time. head pounding from dehydration. body alternating between adrenaline charged sweat to fear charged cold. a feeling of helplessness so strong that you wonder to yourself if death may be the better way to go at that very moment when things are at their worst.
all in all, the 26th was a long day. i don't know if there really was a lesson to be found in it. i know i did my share of griping about our "schedule", just like i always do. was this god's way of telling me to shut up? maybe (if your idea of god is that he's mean as shit). i know that i felt like i could've been more proactive in making the day as a whole feel less stressful. was the vomit god telling me that i needed the day off from work to "recharge". maybe (if your idea of god is that he is a sneaky little bastard). i guess, now that i feel human again, i will choose to look at it like this. it could've been worse. the vomit could've come the day before. it could've ruined weeks worth of anticipation about what our christmas with hannah would be like, but it didn't. it came the day after. on the 26th. nothing big was going on on the 26th.
so, here we are on the 28th, and things seem to be ok. hannah gets to open more presents tomorrow. probably her last for this year. mommy and daddy are back at work. all bodily systems are operating normally. alabama lost another football game. what's not to love?
(i hate vomit)
christmas has come and gone. hannah is now three years old. we are only a few days away now from the year 2007 and all the jokes about how people are screwing up the dates on their checks because they "can't believe it's 2007!!!". honestly, how many years 'til the window on that particular conversation starter closes? five? maybe ten at the most? with the advent of the checkcard followed by it's complete integration into society, only old people write checks now anyway. when they are gone, we'll have to come up with something new.
so, what will my lasting memory of this year's christmas day be? if you are asking me six months from now, the answer may in fact be different. if you are asking me today, the answer would be vomit. let me explain.
christmas day went pretty much like the last three have gone for us. up close to dawn. family christmas. santa. family presents. the whole bit. off to marie's house for french toast and breakfast casserole and more presents. then off to sandy's (my stepmother) niece's house to visit with my dad, sandy, ken and angel for a bit. open more presents. say our good-bye's. hear crappy excuses as to why dad and sandy won't be at their granddaughter's birthday party. head home. hannah naps. we clean. hannah wakes up. head to marie's again for turkey and dressing (so good....so. good.). then back to our house for hannah's party. the party is nice. everyone has a good time. i give away my playstation 2. the house is empty. day complete. was it a busy day? sure. but every family's christmas day is busy, right? only if you are unlucky.
then comes the vomit. i wake up around 12:45 the next morning and don't feel right. i know what's coming. i just don't want to admit it. after coming out of the bathroom for the first of many, many times, i lay down. an hour later, the marathon session of losing all that lies within me begins and doesn't end until late in the a.m. hours. sarah cycles about two hours behind me most of the day and we spend one of the more miserable and memorably pathetic days together we have ever spent. both sick. neither capable of taking care of the other. both resigned to "get through it" as soon as possible. not really sure when that end is actually going to come.
i think that if i believed in a literal hell, a place of eternal damnation and suffering, i believe now that all you would do there is throw-up. what worse way can you think to spend eternity? spewing from every orifice. muscles you never realized that you had cramping at the same time. head pounding from dehydration. body alternating between adrenaline charged sweat to fear charged cold. a feeling of helplessness so strong that you wonder to yourself if death may be the better way to go at that very moment when things are at their worst.
all in all, the 26th was a long day. i don't know if there really was a lesson to be found in it. i know i did my share of griping about our "schedule", just like i always do. was this god's way of telling me to shut up? maybe (if your idea of god is that he's mean as shit). i know that i felt like i could've been more proactive in making the day as a whole feel less stressful. was the vomit god telling me that i needed the day off from work to "recharge". maybe (if your idea of god is that he is a sneaky little bastard). i guess, now that i feel human again, i will choose to look at it like this. it could've been worse. the vomit could've come the day before. it could've ruined weeks worth of anticipation about what our christmas with hannah would be like, but it didn't. it came the day after. on the 26th. nothing big was going on on the 26th.
so, here we are on the 28th, and things seem to be ok. hannah gets to open more presents tomorrow. probably her last for this year. mommy and daddy are back at work. all bodily systems are operating normally. alabama lost another football game. what's not to love?
Thursday, December 21, 2006
santa kiker
(hannah and me, part seventeen)
so, this is it. the true meaning of my christmas. feel free to argue with me about this. i will just make you feel selfish and wrong. i promise. because this is it. i've had my opportunity to rail against "christmas-time". what i don't like about the season. the worst that it brings out in people. i've had (or read) others tell me what they think christmas should be/is about. baby jesus. a time for family. a time for renewal. a time to let bygones be bygones. a time to focus on someone other than yourself. a time for visa checkcards. and xbox 360's. a time for candles. and ties. the nativity story. the nativity story? rocky 6??? a time for this. a time for that. a time for love. a time for hate. i swear it's not too late. and maybe it is. some of these things. or all of them. or maybe it's this.
so, there's this guy i know. happens to be one of the very few people in this world that i'd take a bullet for. this guy has this crazy idea. he's going to buy a santa suit. he's going to wear this santa suit. and not just for his kids. but for a lot of kids. he's going to make house calls for goodness sake. he's going to spend his weekends at food giant making sure that kids he has never seen and may never see again have a chance to tell santa what they want for christmas. okay, so he's also going to have to give that same chance to 45 year old women with not enough teeth and not enough clothes that think it would be really cute and fun to sit on santa's lap. it's a dirty job. you have to take the good with the bad.
in my eyes, this act, this idea is a beautiful metaphor for what christmas-time should be about. instead of railing against the commercialism of the holiday, this guy is owning it. instead of just being upset that some people are too stingy and selfish to "understand" the "true meaning" of christmas, this guy is doing something about it. and he's making kids happy. and he's making cynical parents warm with the idea of of their kids being happy. it's his idea. it's his ministry. there are people all over the world that play the role of santa. suit and all. some are paid. some are not. these people are very special. kids can't get the idea of jesus as the ultimate "giver". hell, sometimes i can't. but they can get santa. this jolly guy in red that shows up and gives them something out of the kindness of his heart and doesn't ask for anything in return. now, this is the part of the story where some might think or say that santa doesn't come to every house. and i get that. i know i am lucky. i know my family is blessed. but i didn't say santa was the true meaning of christmas. i said this guy, this idea would be my true meaning of christmas.
and so tonight, hannah, santa kiker will come see you. you may be stoked. you may completely freak out. we'll see. i keep thinking, though, that this may be one of your first true memories that you hold onto. i hope so. it would be a good one.
i know i will hold onto it. merry christmas, kiker. merry christmas, indeed.
(hannah and me, part seventeen)
so, this is it. the true meaning of my christmas. feel free to argue with me about this. i will just make you feel selfish and wrong. i promise. because this is it. i've had my opportunity to rail against "christmas-time". what i don't like about the season. the worst that it brings out in people. i've had (or read) others tell me what they think christmas should be/is about. baby jesus. a time for family. a time for renewal. a time to let bygones be bygones. a time to focus on someone other than yourself. a time for visa checkcards. and xbox 360's. a time for candles. and ties. the nativity story. the nativity story? rocky 6??? a time for this. a time for that. a time for love. a time for hate. i swear it's not too late. and maybe it is. some of these things. or all of them. or maybe it's this.
so, there's this guy i know. happens to be one of the very few people in this world that i'd take a bullet for. this guy has this crazy idea. he's going to buy a santa suit. he's going to wear this santa suit. and not just for his kids. but for a lot of kids. he's going to make house calls for goodness sake. he's going to spend his weekends at food giant making sure that kids he has never seen and may never see again have a chance to tell santa what they want for christmas. okay, so he's also going to have to give that same chance to 45 year old women with not enough teeth and not enough clothes that think it would be really cute and fun to sit on santa's lap. it's a dirty job. you have to take the good with the bad.
in my eyes, this act, this idea is a beautiful metaphor for what christmas-time should be about. instead of railing against the commercialism of the holiday, this guy is owning it. instead of just being upset that some people are too stingy and selfish to "understand" the "true meaning" of christmas, this guy is doing something about it. and he's making kids happy. and he's making cynical parents warm with the idea of of their kids being happy. it's his idea. it's his ministry. there are people all over the world that play the role of santa. suit and all. some are paid. some are not. these people are very special. kids can't get the idea of jesus as the ultimate "giver". hell, sometimes i can't. but they can get santa. this jolly guy in red that shows up and gives them something out of the kindness of his heart and doesn't ask for anything in return. now, this is the part of the story where some might think or say that santa doesn't come to every house. and i get that. i know i am lucky. i know my family is blessed. but i didn't say santa was the true meaning of christmas. i said this guy, this idea would be my true meaning of christmas.
and so tonight, hannah, santa kiker will come see you. you may be stoked. you may completely freak out. we'll see. i keep thinking, though, that this may be one of your first true memories that you hold onto. i hope so. it would be a good one.
i know i will hold onto it. merry christmas, kiker. merry christmas, indeed.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
ghetto from the get-go
(wal-mart is not your friend)
i wish i could take credit for the post title. it's awesome. but i can't. that came out of sarah's mouth as we were leaving our friendly neighborhood wal-mart last night. why? because it is freaking true. i mean, let's be serious. depending on how highly you rate the "convenience" factor of wal-mart - having everything under the sun in one place -, is there anything to like about it? way too many people. all the time. way too big of a space for a person to genuinely feel comfortable. we, honestly, decided against walking over to look at bikes for hannah last night because the bikes are three fucking miles away from the food section. i got tired just thinking about it. way too big. did i mention the "way too many people" part? it doesn't matter if you go early in the morning. late at night. middle of the night. there are always way too many people there to make sense. it would be different if they were giving away money. food. gold. free you, me and dupree dvd's. something that would draw people in masses to this human wasteland. but they aren't. so, i don't get it. going at christmas-time is even more of a joke, because we have been conditioned to believe that wal-mart will have what we need at the price we want it. they probably don't, or don't anymore because some crazy-ass savage got it after midnight on black friday, but we go anyway, bound to be disappointed. wal-mart is not your friend. not mine. and you know what's worse? i will probably go back sometime soon to get that bike for hannah. someone...FREE ME FROM THIS MACHINE!
speaking of things that irritate me during christmas-time:
* magic 96. some of us really like the christmas music. i do. but i am having a hard time with all the sappy "my neighbor isn't going to have a real christmas" stories they keep playing ad naseum. first of all, you are exploiting this person that feels like they need to call you by playing their story and emotion on air. secondly, you are helping them by doing what again? a $250 checkcard? really??? wow. how gracious you truly are! and what will happen when these people cannot afford food in january? another gift card? or a cold message that it's not december anymore. ugh. let's teach people to "fish".
* the hyper-sensitivity towards the idea of "family". i am guilty of this. shouldn't we focus our attention more on those we love and those that love us back unconditionally than the folks that just so happen to be related to us? i say yes even though i am not sure i am man enough to put that idea into practice this year.
* combo gifts. if you are reading this and know someone (hint, hint) born on or around christmas, remember that you get gifts on your birthday. you get gifts on christmas. so should the person in question.
* buying gifts because it's christmas. "have you started your shopping yet?" has become one of the most annoying things i hear over and over this time of year. particularly because the response tends to be something like, "no, but i'll get it done soon." this implies that you are not going to buy something thoughtful as much as you are getting something out of obligation. don't do that. if you don't feel compelled to put thought into a gift, just send a card. it will come across as more meaningful. i promise.
* christmas lights. i can deal with them a little better now that hannah enjoys them, but i don't like them in general. i don't get the point. it just seems very showy and unnecessary. i love christmas trees. my christmas tree. with ornaments for my family. christmas lights seem silly.
i am sure that sarah and folks at work think i am a scrooge. but i am not. i do like christmas. even more now with hannah. i like buying stuff for people i love and as rehearsed as it is, christmas is a wonderful excuse to do that. i just don't get off on it i guess. i think i am more in love with the feeling that i have recently, that every day is the same. that every day is a gift. and too often we get caught up in ranking days and the impact that those days "should" have on us.
i can't wait 'til christmas. 'til hannah's birthday. the day all the "stuff" goes away and we can enjoy each other. that's all a holiday should be, right? a day to enjoy each other.
(wal-mart is not your friend)
i wish i could take credit for the post title. it's awesome. but i can't. that came out of sarah's mouth as we were leaving our friendly neighborhood wal-mart last night. why? because it is freaking true. i mean, let's be serious. depending on how highly you rate the "convenience" factor of wal-mart - having everything under the sun in one place -, is there anything to like about it? way too many people. all the time. way too big of a space for a person to genuinely feel comfortable. we, honestly, decided against walking over to look at bikes for hannah last night because the bikes are three fucking miles away from the food section. i got tired just thinking about it. way too big. did i mention the "way too many people" part? it doesn't matter if you go early in the morning. late at night. middle of the night. there are always way too many people there to make sense. it would be different if they were giving away money. food. gold. free you, me and dupree dvd's. something that would draw people in masses to this human wasteland. but they aren't. so, i don't get it. going at christmas-time is even more of a joke, because we have been conditioned to believe that wal-mart will have what we need at the price we want it. they probably don't, or don't anymore because some crazy-ass savage got it after midnight on black friday, but we go anyway, bound to be disappointed. wal-mart is not your friend. not mine. and you know what's worse? i will probably go back sometime soon to get that bike for hannah. someone...FREE ME FROM THIS MACHINE!
speaking of things that irritate me during christmas-time:
* magic 96. some of us really like the christmas music. i do. but i am having a hard time with all the sappy "my neighbor isn't going to have a real christmas" stories they keep playing ad naseum. first of all, you are exploiting this person that feels like they need to call you by playing their story and emotion on air. secondly, you are helping them by doing what again? a $250 checkcard? really??? wow. how gracious you truly are! and what will happen when these people cannot afford food in january? another gift card? or a cold message that it's not december anymore. ugh. let's teach people to "fish".
* the hyper-sensitivity towards the idea of "family". i am guilty of this. shouldn't we focus our attention more on those we love and those that love us back unconditionally than the folks that just so happen to be related to us? i say yes even though i am not sure i am man enough to put that idea into practice this year.
* combo gifts. if you are reading this and know someone (hint, hint) born on or around christmas, remember that you get gifts on your birthday. you get gifts on christmas. so should the person in question.
* buying gifts because it's christmas. "have you started your shopping yet?" has become one of the most annoying things i hear over and over this time of year. particularly because the response tends to be something like, "no, but i'll get it done soon." this implies that you are not going to buy something thoughtful as much as you are getting something out of obligation. don't do that. if you don't feel compelled to put thought into a gift, just send a card. it will come across as more meaningful. i promise.
* christmas lights. i can deal with them a little better now that hannah enjoys them, but i don't like them in general. i don't get the point. it just seems very showy and unnecessary. i love christmas trees. my christmas tree. with ornaments for my family. christmas lights seem silly.
i am sure that sarah and folks at work think i am a scrooge. but i am not. i do like christmas. even more now with hannah. i like buying stuff for people i love and as rehearsed as it is, christmas is a wonderful excuse to do that. i just don't get off on it i guess. i think i am more in love with the feeling that i have recently, that every day is the same. that every day is a gift. and too often we get caught up in ranking days and the impact that those days "should" have on us.
i can't wait 'til christmas. 'til hannah's birthday. the day all the "stuff" goes away and we can enjoy each other. that's all a holiday should be, right? a day to enjoy each other.
Friday, December 08, 2006
alabama-centric
edit: this post, less than 12 hours removed from it being published, is now irrelevant. all except the bottom part about mark gottfried sucking. i stick to that until i am swayed otherwise.
there is no telling how many hundreds upon thousands of bloggers, journalists, what-have-you will comment on this today, but i haven't said much about alabama football all season (not that i've had much reason to), so i'll weigh in with my two cents. i will admit to feeling a little conflicted about the hiring of rich rodriguez. i am sure most rational bama fans may share this feeling with me. now, don't get me wrong. from the word go, once the initial list of names was published, i have been on record rooting for coach rich to be the guy. his offense at west virginia is fun to watch. he has taken that program from mediocrity to bcs-worthy in a very short period of time. he is passionate. he reaks of the "discipline" that oh-so-many alabama fans have been yipping and yelling that mike shula was incapable of doling out. long story short, there isn't one thing to be unhappy with regarding the thought of rich rodriguez being a perfect remedy for what ails ALABAMA FOOTBALL (cue elephant whinny)....
except for the whole, "i am not not leaving west virginia" schtick that he has been playing the last couple of weeks. it doesn't take me or any joe bama fan long to remember the franchione debacle. good to great coach turning bama around bolts for what we know now was his dream job. franchione leaves without telling his players good-bye. sayonara. good riddance. enter mike price. exit mike price. enter mike shula. gag me with a spoon. it sucked. the whole thing sucked. and i can imagine that the way joe bama fan felt back then is exactly what joe west virginia fan is thinking today. "how could he do this?" "he said he was staying." "this is his home." "traitor." "son of a bitch." "wtf." the list goes on and on. and therein lies the reason for my confliction. yes, it is great that bama got a good to great coach. but at what cost? the players he leaves behind may forgive him, but they will not forget this betrayal. they will not forget him being in their living rooms, gushing over his recently signed contract extension, promising his recruits that he will be at west virginia until his grandkids graduate mountaineers.
thankfully, west virginia is a long way away from tuscaloosa. the ill feelings that people have for him up north shouldn't affect the image of the shiny new 2 million dollar coach walking into the homes of high school seniors down in dixie.
i do hate it for the people of wvu. i know what you are thinking this morning. it's not hard to understand how the incredible pay raise, the lure of the sec, the chance to be the next bear could lure your native son away. it's just hard, period. sorry. and thanks for the coach.
etc...if alabama basketball has top five talent (and they do), and their coach cannot defend the three, what do you have? a four or five seed that will have to pull a major upset (think last year and ucla) just to get out of the first weekend of the ncaa tourney. if alabama has two first round picks (and they do), and their coach is going to allow the taller one to audition for the nba by taking jumpers and three point shots instead of playing to his strengths, what do you have? see above. if alabama has a chance pull off a special season (and they do), they need to decide before january what kind of team they are. last night was waaaaaaaaayyyyy too familiar, and i already can't stand mark gottfried as a bench coach. a coach that is constantly outcoached. we got beat by a bunch of white boys shooting threes....again. just like last year.
roll tide?
edit: this post, less than 12 hours removed from it being published, is now irrelevant. all except the bottom part about mark gottfried sucking. i stick to that until i am swayed otherwise.
there is no telling how many hundreds upon thousands of bloggers, journalists, what-have-you will comment on this today, but i haven't said much about alabama football all season (not that i've had much reason to), so i'll weigh in with my two cents. i will admit to feeling a little conflicted about the hiring of rich rodriguez. i am sure most rational bama fans may share this feeling with me. now, don't get me wrong. from the word go, once the initial list of names was published, i have been on record rooting for coach rich to be the guy. his offense at west virginia is fun to watch. he has taken that program from mediocrity to bcs-worthy in a very short period of time. he is passionate. he reaks of the "discipline" that oh-so-many alabama fans have been yipping and yelling that mike shula was incapable of doling out. long story short, there isn't one thing to be unhappy with regarding the thought of rich rodriguez being a perfect remedy for what ails ALABAMA FOOTBALL (cue elephant whinny)....
except for the whole, "i am not not leaving west virginia" schtick that he has been playing the last couple of weeks. it doesn't take me or any joe bama fan long to remember the franchione debacle. good to great coach turning bama around bolts for what we know now was his dream job. franchione leaves without telling his players good-bye. sayonara. good riddance. enter mike price. exit mike price. enter mike shula. gag me with a spoon. it sucked. the whole thing sucked. and i can imagine that the way joe bama fan felt back then is exactly what joe west virginia fan is thinking today. "how could he do this?" "he said he was staying." "this is his home." "traitor." "son of a bitch." "wtf." the list goes on and on. and therein lies the reason for my confliction. yes, it is great that bama got a good to great coach. but at what cost? the players he leaves behind may forgive him, but they will not forget this betrayal. they will not forget him being in their living rooms, gushing over his recently signed contract extension, promising his recruits that he will be at west virginia until his grandkids graduate mountaineers.
thankfully, west virginia is a long way away from tuscaloosa. the ill feelings that people have for him up north shouldn't affect the image of the shiny new 2 million dollar coach walking into the homes of high school seniors down in dixie.
i do hate it for the people of wvu. i know what you are thinking this morning. it's not hard to understand how the incredible pay raise, the lure of the sec, the chance to be the next bear could lure your native son away. it's just hard, period. sorry. and thanks for the coach.
etc...if alabama basketball has top five talent (and they do), and their coach cannot defend the three, what do you have? a four or five seed that will have to pull a major upset (think last year and ucla) just to get out of the first weekend of the ncaa tourney. if alabama has two first round picks (and they do), and their coach is going to allow the taller one to audition for the nba by taking jumpers and three point shots instead of playing to his strengths, what do you have? see above. if alabama has a chance pull off a special season (and they do), they need to decide before january what kind of team they are. last night was waaaaaaaaayyyyy too familiar, and i already can't stand mark gottfried as a bench coach. a coach that is constantly outcoached. we got beat by a bunch of white boys shooting threes....again. just like last year.
roll tide?
Monday, December 04, 2006
you're so vain
(you probably think this blog is about you)
but it's not.
i mean, it could be.
but, there's a good chance it's not.
unless you are white.
or black.
or stupid.
or eat too much.
or asian.
or a cundiff.
or something else.
or blonde.
maybe even brunette.
this is not about you.
it could be.
and you may know it.
you may not.
but don't worry.
it's not about you.
unless you deserve it.
and you probably do.
and if you do, well...
that's your own fault.
i don't want it to be about you.
i want it to be about me.
which it is.
and isn't.
but know this.
you better take your shoes off.
even if this isn't about you.
this is holy ground.
so says jesus.
or some guy in the bible.
wow.
you're so vain.
but so am i.
so, i've been a bachelor this weekend. the baby girl and the baby's momma have been out of town. i've never been such a slacker as i got to be this weekend. i watched a lot of football. i mean, a lot of football. some basketball. i watched mission impossible 3 and fell in love with tom cruise all over again. how can you not love a guy that, when running full out, runs so straight up. the only other person that runs that straight up is sprinter michael johnson. all tom needs is the gold shoes. that would be hot. what else did i watch? i watched some bcs selection show. thankfully, i don't have to rant about michigan. i watched some zone and was reminded that no one in their right mind would ever want to coach at alabama. yesterday morning, i watched as a "hunter" killed a hippopotamus with a bow and arrow. really quite disturbing actually. i love "hunters". i wish they would shoot each other. now, that would be good television. you should have seen this guy. he was crying over the top of his hippo he was so overjoyed. the zambian villagers were looking at him like, "man, this guy is really a douchebag, but can we have some of that meat?" i spent some quality time on the computer and ate four times. i worked out to make myself feel better about eating four times and lounging on the couch for two days straight and last but not least, i went to a memorial service.
even though she was nervous, donna did a great job with the service. it was good to see tara and ted for the first time in a while, even though the circumstances for bringing us together were really quite tragic. i will miss lou ann. for tara mainly. being married to someone that speaks to their mom at least once every day makes me very sad that tara will not have that chance. her dad will be there. and he will be awesome. it's just not very fair. i was happy to be there for tara and proud for the young woman she has grown up to be. a lot more confident than when we first met, huh tara? i guess that's what seven years can do for you. that and good friends and better family and an above average youth director. right? right? see, i told you this was about me. :)
and so, today, i enter back into the real world of dog poop, silly bird questions, crickets, feeder mice, daughters and wives. i get off the couch and back to "grind". "the grind" should be like this for everyone. not one ounce of me dreads getting back to work today. things could be worse i suppose.
(you probably think this blog is about you)
but it's not.
i mean, it could be.
but, there's a good chance it's not.
unless you are white.
or black.
or stupid.
or eat too much.
or asian.
or a cundiff.
or something else.
or blonde.
maybe even brunette.
this is not about you.
it could be.
and you may know it.
you may not.
but don't worry.
it's not about you.
unless you deserve it.
and you probably do.
and if you do, well...
that's your own fault.
i don't want it to be about you.
i want it to be about me.
which it is.
and isn't.
but know this.
you better take your shoes off.
even if this isn't about you.
this is holy ground.
so says jesus.
or some guy in the bible.
wow.
you're so vain.
but so am i.
so, i've been a bachelor this weekend. the baby girl and the baby's momma have been out of town. i've never been such a slacker as i got to be this weekend. i watched a lot of football. i mean, a lot of football. some basketball. i watched mission impossible 3 and fell in love with tom cruise all over again. how can you not love a guy that, when running full out, runs so straight up. the only other person that runs that straight up is sprinter michael johnson. all tom needs is the gold shoes. that would be hot. what else did i watch? i watched some bcs selection show. thankfully, i don't have to rant about michigan. i watched some zone and was reminded that no one in their right mind would ever want to coach at alabama. yesterday morning, i watched as a "hunter" killed a hippopotamus with a bow and arrow. really quite disturbing actually. i love "hunters". i wish they would shoot each other. now, that would be good television. you should have seen this guy. he was crying over the top of his hippo he was so overjoyed. the zambian villagers were looking at him like, "man, this guy is really a douchebag, but can we have some of that meat?" i spent some quality time on the computer and ate four times. i worked out to make myself feel better about eating four times and lounging on the couch for two days straight and last but not least, i went to a memorial service.
even though she was nervous, donna did a great job with the service. it was good to see tara and ted for the first time in a while, even though the circumstances for bringing us together were really quite tragic. i will miss lou ann. for tara mainly. being married to someone that speaks to their mom at least once every day makes me very sad that tara will not have that chance. her dad will be there. and he will be awesome. it's just not very fair. i was happy to be there for tara and proud for the young woman she has grown up to be. a lot more confident than when we first met, huh tara? i guess that's what seven years can do for you. that and good friends and better family and an above average youth director. right? right? see, i told you this was about me. :)
and so, today, i enter back into the real world of dog poop, silly bird questions, crickets, feeder mice, daughters and wives. i get off the couch and back to "grind". "the grind" should be like this for everyone. not one ounce of me dreads getting back to work today. things could be worse i suppose.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
the most awkward backdrop to the end of a sermon i have ever seen
(the show must go on)
a day earlier, i commented to my father-in-law that the last thing a person wants during a football game is perspective. that moment after a play when a player doesn't get up. laying there motionless on the ground, something has gone awry that prevents his body and mind to tag-team up and take him back to the huddle. all of a sudden, the spectator is ripped away from his painted face. the obscenities he has yelled in the direction of the field or the television seem really, really trivial and shallow. the fun (for the moment) is gone, and you are slapped in the face with the reality that people can and do get hurt playing a game. a game that, for you, is entertainment. a game that allows a person to take a step away from a busy and stressful and lonely and broken world and yell and scream for a team that you may or may not have a good reason to be invested in. i hate those moments. the last thing you want during a football game is perspective.
fast forward to last sunday morning and toward the end of rick's sermon. a choir member falls out of her chair and onto the floor of the choir loft. the congregation notices the scene moments (although it felt like an hour) before the pastor does and he continues his message. finally, someone (or the murmur from the crowd in front of him) gets his attention and he turns around to check on the fallen choir member. from what i am told, rick is told that janice is ok. she just got hot. or lightheaded. she just needs to lay down. from my seat in the balcony, i do not get this memo. from my seat in the balcony, i wonder what in the world we are waiting on with regards to taking care of our fellow worship leader. rick stops, prays, and then comes the part that i have struggled with for three days. he finishes his sermon.
i am sure it was truncated and amended from his outline. but he finished. if you have any idea of the content of the end of the sermon post-janice falling, then you are a more focused person than i. then we sang a closing hymn? and then we ended the service with a benediction and a final verse as the cross, acolytes, and pastor exited all the while janice is still laying in the choir loft. there has been no announcement that she is ok. i guess it was understood. surely, the service would not have continued to it's routine end if she wasn't. but is that even the point? to me, my family, others in the balcony, and those throughout the church without firsthand knowledge of the goings on in the choir loft, we are left with the impression...the perception...that finishing out the service was more important than the immediate well-being of the choir member laying on the wooden floor at the front of the church.
i've gone back and forth with this. and i know rick was in a tough spot. it's his role to make sure that the congregation stays calm. that he doesn't act in a way that would cause people to panic when, in his heart, he knows there is no reason to. but as much as i understand the decision he made, i still haven't been able to agree with it.
perhaps it played in his favor that it wasn't sarah in the loft that passed out. that janice didn't have someone racing up the aisle that would have, to a greater degree, added to the confusion and awkwardness that was already thick enough that you could feel it sunday morning.
the last thing you want during a football game is perspective. to the contrary, personally, the first thing i look for in and at church is perspective. an environment where perception and reality meet because they are one and the same. that notion is still very much an idealism at huffman (probably every church), but it is something we must strive for. we are there for each other, right? from our pulpit, on many an occasion, we have minimized the importance of worship on sunday morning if it doesn't mean anything the rest of the week. shouldn't that idea ring true even if the "show" is interrupted. right or wrong, shouldn't we have just prayed for janice and for us and said, janice is going to be fine, but for the sake of being sure, we are going to end it here today?
who knows what i would have done had i been in rick's shoes. in the heat of the moment, i don't know. i know what my gut told me at the time what we should've done, but i don't know if i could've acted on those instincts.
i hope so.
(the show must go on)
a day earlier, i commented to my father-in-law that the last thing a person wants during a football game is perspective. that moment after a play when a player doesn't get up. laying there motionless on the ground, something has gone awry that prevents his body and mind to tag-team up and take him back to the huddle. all of a sudden, the spectator is ripped away from his painted face. the obscenities he has yelled in the direction of the field or the television seem really, really trivial and shallow. the fun (for the moment) is gone, and you are slapped in the face with the reality that people can and do get hurt playing a game. a game that, for you, is entertainment. a game that allows a person to take a step away from a busy and stressful and lonely and broken world and yell and scream for a team that you may or may not have a good reason to be invested in. i hate those moments. the last thing you want during a football game is perspective.
fast forward to last sunday morning and toward the end of rick's sermon. a choir member falls out of her chair and onto the floor of the choir loft. the congregation notices the scene moments (although it felt like an hour) before the pastor does and he continues his message. finally, someone (or the murmur from the crowd in front of him) gets his attention and he turns around to check on the fallen choir member. from what i am told, rick is told that janice is ok. she just got hot. or lightheaded. she just needs to lay down. from my seat in the balcony, i do not get this memo. from my seat in the balcony, i wonder what in the world we are waiting on with regards to taking care of our fellow worship leader. rick stops, prays, and then comes the part that i have struggled with for three days. he finishes his sermon.
i am sure it was truncated and amended from his outline. but he finished. if you have any idea of the content of the end of the sermon post-janice falling, then you are a more focused person than i. then we sang a closing hymn? and then we ended the service with a benediction and a final verse as the cross, acolytes, and pastor exited all the while janice is still laying in the choir loft. there has been no announcement that she is ok. i guess it was understood. surely, the service would not have continued to it's routine end if she wasn't. but is that even the point? to me, my family, others in the balcony, and those throughout the church without firsthand knowledge of the goings on in the choir loft, we are left with the impression...the perception...that finishing out the service was more important than the immediate well-being of the choir member laying on the wooden floor at the front of the church.
i've gone back and forth with this. and i know rick was in a tough spot. it's his role to make sure that the congregation stays calm. that he doesn't act in a way that would cause people to panic when, in his heart, he knows there is no reason to. but as much as i understand the decision he made, i still haven't been able to agree with it.
perhaps it played in his favor that it wasn't sarah in the loft that passed out. that janice didn't have someone racing up the aisle that would have, to a greater degree, added to the confusion and awkwardness that was already thick enough that you could feel it sunday morning.
the last thing you want during a football game is perspective. to the contrary, personally, the first thing i look for in and at church is perspective. an environment where perception and reality meet because they are one and the same. that notion is still very much an idealism at huffman (probably every church), but it is something we must strive for. we are there for each other, right? from our pulpit, on many an occasion, we have minimized the importance of worship on sunday morning if it doesn't mean anything the rest of the week. shouldn't that idea ring true even if the "show" is interrupted. right or wrong, shouldn't we have just prayed for janice and for us and said, janice is going to be fine, but for the sake of being sure, we are going to end it here today?
who knows what i would have done had i been in rick's shoes. in the heat of the moment, i don't know. i know what my gut told me at the time what we should've done, but i don't know if i could've acted on those instincts.
i hope so.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
happy thanksgiving, everyone
(family is something i am not an expert on)
i just got off the phone with my mom. i have been avoiding her for a month now. why? i have no idea. well, i have an idea, i just don't have a good reason i don't suppose. why not? because when it comes down to it, my mom probably cares for me (i mean, genuinely cares) more than anyone in this world. maybe just as much as sarah and hannah. maybe a couple of others. who knows. but she is right up there in the "i care for kevin" department. you would think that i would want to hold a person like that close. make sure that we talk often. make sure she knows that, on some level, i still care for her as much as she does for me. for the last few years, though, i haven't. my mom has problems. don't we all? for years now she has been locked into a state of mind that i will never be able to understand. depression. it's a tough pill to swallow. for the person that's depressed. maybe just as much for the folks around that person that don't get it. because of this state of mind, my method for resolving my mental fatigue in having to deal with her situation has been to withdraw from her. almost completely. we speak every so often. and when we do, it's fine. better than that. it's nice. but most of the time, all i can think about is her bad choice in men, her struggle to maintain her sanity, and most of all her transformation away from the incredibly strong single-mom that she is and was in my best memories of her. i will not see her or talk to her tomorrow. on thanksgiving.
then there's my dad. his new family is another one that i don't get for the most part. i think my dad cares for me in the same way my mother does. he just doesn't know how to show it anymore. i have a stepbrother that i care deeply about, but as we grow older, it's becoming obvious that we share less and less in common. i think my step-mother likes me most of the time, but to say that we are close would be a drastic overstatement. the rest of that family is indifferent in a very nice way to how i relate to them, and that will, most likely, be the case for as long as we are "family". i will not see or talk to any of these people tomorrow. on thanksgiving.
and then there's brian. my dear brother. who's in florida rehabbing. from drugs. from an unfortunate lot in life. from all sorts of things. from what i hear and heard personally several months ago, he's continually doing "better". we always wanted him to get better. fact was, he was always fine. he just did drugs because they loved him more than he felt like his family did and does. i'll continue to take the "no news is good news" approach with brian. for all we went through and shared together, good and bad, it's a shame i won't talk to him tomorrow. on thanksgiving.
sarah's family. i will see them and talk to them tomorrow. and i'll be totally happy. with them, there isn't anything bad to speak of. they seem to like me and i'll continue to try and not give them good reason not to. i can't wait for tomorrow. my wife. my girl. my family-in-law that treats me like one of their own without my asking. it's really quite cathartic. it's really, really nice.
thanksgiving. the calendar has a very mischievous way of slapping "normal" in your face several times a year. "normal" would be nice. but then again, "normal" would have led me away from the family that i will share turkey and dressing with tomorrow. so, fuck "normal".
this isn't self-pity. it's only the truth. and the truth hurts sometimes. but the truth also helps to define who i am at this very moment. and in this moment, i could not be more content.
happy thanksgiving.
(family is something i am not an expert on)
i just got off the phone with my mom. i have been avoiding her for a month now. why? i have no idea. well, i have an idea, i just don't have a good reason i don't suppose. why not? because when it comes down to it, my mom probably cares for me (i mean, genuinely cares) more than anyone in this world. maybe just as much as sarah and hannah. maybe a couple of others. who knows. but she is right up there in the "i care for kevin" department. you would think that i would want to hold a person like that close. make sure that we talk often. make sure she knows that, on some level, i still care for her as much as she does for me. for the last few years, though, i haven't. my mom has problems. don't we all? for years now she has been locked into a state of mind that i will never be able to understand. depression. it's a tough pill to swallow. for the person that's depressed. maybe just as much for the folks around that person that don't get it. because of this state of mind, my method for resolving my mental fatigue in having to deal with her situation has been to withdraw from her. almost completely. we speak every so often. and when we do, it's fine. better than that. it's nice. but most of the time, all i can think about is her bad choice in men, her struggle to maintain her sanity, and most of all her transformation away from the incredibly strong single-mom that she is and was in my best memories of her. i will not see her or talk to her tomorrow. on thanksgiving.
then there's my dad. his new family is another one that i don't get for the most part. i think my dad cares for me in the same way my mother does. he just doesn't know how to show it anymore. i have a stepbrother that i care deeply about, but as we grow older, it's becoming obvious that we share less and less in common. i think my step-mother likes me most of the time, but to say that we are close would be a drastic overstatement. the rest of that family is indifferent in a very nice way to how i relate to them, and that will, most likely, be the case for as long as we are "family". i will not see or talk to any of these people tomorrow. on thanksgiving.
and then there's brian. my dear brother. who's in florida rehabbing. from drugs. from an unfortunate lot in life. from all sorts of things. from what i hear and heard personally several months ago, he's continually doing "better". we always wanted him to get better. fact was, he was always fine. he just did drugs because they loved him more than he felt like his family did and does. i'll continue to take the "no news is good news" approach with brian. for all we went through and shared together, good and bad, it's a shame i won't talk to him tomorrow. on thanksgiving.
sarah's family. i will see them and talk to them tomorrow. and i'll be totally happy. with them, there isn't anything bad to speak of. they seem to like me and i'll continue to try and not give them good reason not to. i can't wait for tomorrow. my wife. my girl. my family-in-law that treats me like one of their own without my asking. it's really quite cathartic. it's really, really nice.
thanksgiving. the calendar has a very mischievous way of slapping "normal" in your face several times a year. "normal" would be nice. but then again, "normal" would have led me away from the family that i will share turkey and dressing with tomorrow. so, fuck "normal".
this isn't self-pity. it's only the truth. and the truth hurts sometimes. but the truth also helps to define who i am at this very moment. and in this moment, i could not be more content.
happy thanksgiving.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
michael vick is a rock star
(why i am not so sure that's a good thing)
it finally happened. i can check this one thing off my list. i got to see one of my most serious man-crushes, michael freakin' vick, in person sunday afternoon. the game set-up to be the kind of dream game that any michael vick or falcons fan would love to see. the lowly cleveland browns were coming to town. other than having a really good tight end, about the best thing you could say about the browns as a football team going into sunday was that they "played hard", they "were a scrappy team", or that they still have some of the most kick-ass uniforms in all of sports.
we got to the dome in plenty of time to see mike make his pre-game entrance. even with less than 10,000 fans in the stadium an hour before kick-off, his applause was different than that directed towards other players coming out as he made his way to perform his passing drills. he looked cool, of course. socks weren't pulled up. chin-strap only half-buckled. just cool. i couldn't take my eyes off of him. i was in awe. nothing i saw in pre-game, though, prepared me for the announcements of the starting line-up when the stadium filled up.
it's tradition for the home team to introduce the offensive starting 11 and let them make their entrance one by one, and the falcons were no different. first the offensive line. then the non-descript wide receivers (who, by the way, could not catch a fucking ball sunday...except for you roddy white. you did uab proud.), and then finally the stars.
first, the tight end..."ALGE CRUMPLER".....the crowd roared.
then, at running back..."WARRICK DUNN"....the crowd roars even louder for mighty, little warrick dunn.
and finally, at quarterback..."MICHAEL (FREAKIN') VICK...i cannot describe to you in words the roar of the crowd following the introduction of their elvis. and vick totally plays to the crowd. all the other players jog out onto the field, maybe waving their arms encouraging the crowd to "get loud", but they all jog out and meet their teammates. not mike. mike walks slowly out of the tunnel. head down. socks still down. chin-strap still only half-buckled. there is absolutely no fucking question he is the coolest cat in the city of atlanta at this very moment. mike walks out slowly. the crowd is eating it up and yelling like this may be their last chance ever to yell. mike stops about ten yards out of the tunnel and raises his arms slowly. the roar, then and there, made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. it was insane! and awesome!
a funny thing happened after the game kicked off. michael freakin' vick sucked. i mean, he played really, really bad. 16-40 bad. two interceptions bad. a fumble that appropriately ended the game bad. sure, his wideouts, other than uab, couldn't catch a ball even if the football was velcro and they were wearing two of those velcro-catching mitts like i had back in the day. but, this game was on mike. he had a couple of those michael vick moments where he tears down the field and he is the fastest guy on the field by far and you just know he's going to score, but make no mistake, michael vick lost this game pretty much single-handedly.
as sarah and i made our way back to marta and to our car, i heard voice after voice comment on how bad vick was. how the falcons need to trade him now when they can get something back for him. how he's never going to be consistent enough to take the falcons to a super bowl. all of that may be premature. it may not.
as a rock star, michael vick is an animal. he's david lee roth. axl rose. michael jackson during the thriller years. he's the aforementioned elvis. the only thing about those guys, though, is that the older they got, the more you kind of realized that they all kind of sucked.
michael vick is still my man. i hope to see him again in person soon. and as a rock star, he is an animal. as a super bowl caliber quarterback, well...
the jury is still out.
(why i am not so sure that's a good thing)
it finally happened. i can check this one thing off my list. i got to see one of my most serious man-crushes, michael freakin' vick, in person sunday afternoon. the game set-up to be the kind of dream game that any michael vick or falcons fan would love to see. the lowly cleveland browns were coming to town. other than having a really good tight end, about the best thing you could say about the browns as a football team going into sunday was that they "played hard", they "were a scrappy team", or that they still have some of the most kick-ass uniforms in all of sports.
we got to the dome in plenty of time to see mike make his pre-game entrance. even with less than 10,000 fans in the stadium an hour before kick-off, his applause was different than that directed towards other players coming out as he made his way to perform his passing drills. he looked cool, of course. socks weren't pulled up. chin-strap only half-buckled. just cool. i couldn't take my eyes off of him. i was in awe. nothing i saw in pre-game, though, prepared me for the announcements of the starting line-up when the stadium filled up.
it's tradition for the home team to introduce the offensive starting 11 and let them make their entrance one by one, and the falcons were no different. first the offensive line. then the non-descript wide receivers (who, by the way, could not catch a fucking ball sunday...except for you roddy white. you did uab proud.), and then finally the stars.
first, the tight end..."ALGE CRUMPLER".....the crowd roared.
then, at running back..."WARRICK DUNN"....the crowd roars even louder for mighty, little warrick dunn.
and finally, at quarterback..."MICHAEL (FREAKIN') VICK...i cannot describe to you in words the roar of the crowd following the introduction of their elvis. and vick totally plays to the crowd. all the other players jog out onto the field, maybe waving their arms encouraging the crowd to "get loud", but they all jog out and meet their teammates. not mike. mike walks slowly out of the tunnel. head down. socks still down. chin-strap still only half-buckled. there is absolutely no fucking question he is the coolest cat in the city of atlanta at this very moment. mike walks out slowly. the crowd is eating it up and yelling like this may be their last chance ever to yell. mike stops about ten yards out of the tunnel and raises his arms slowly. the roar, then and there, made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. it was insane! and awesome!
a funny thing happened after the game kicked off. michael freakin' vick sucked. i mean, he played really, really bad. 16-40 bad. two interceptions bad. a fumble that appropriately ended the game bad. sure, his wideouts, other than uab, couldn't catch a ball even if the football was velcro and they were wearing two of those velcro-catching mitts like i had back in the day. but, this game was on mike. he had a couple of those michael vick moments where he tears down the field and he is the fastest guy on the field by far and you just know he's going to score, but make no mistake, michael vick lost this game pretty much single-handedly.
as sarah and i made our way back to marta and to our car, i heard voice after voice comment on how bad vick was. how the falcons need to trade him now when they can get something back for him. how he's never going to be consistent enough to take the falcons to a super bowl. all of that may be premature. it may not.
as a rock star, michael vick is an animal. he's david lee roth. axl rose. michael jackson during the thriller years. he's the aforementioned elvis. the only thing about those guys, though, is that the older they got, the more you kind of realized that they all kind of sucked.
michael vick is still my man. i hope to see him again in person soon. and as a rock star, he is an animal. as a super bowl caliber quarterback, well...
the jury is still out.
Thursday, November 09, 2006
why andy doesn't write anymore
(appointment surfing)
one of my dearest friends in the world, andy rickles, has not updated his online blog/journal/diary/whathaveyou in working on three months. why is that, i wonder. has he run out of things to say? has the "man" made him weary of expressing his innermost thoughts and ponderings online for fear that the "concerned" might make a stink? has, god forbid, andy had his hands chewed off by an overaggressive or just plain hungry raccoon and therefore lost the ability to type on his own? let's hope not. deep down, i believe the answer may just be that andy has been busy, but his lack of updates make me sad anyway.
why? because andy's journal is part of my everyday online surfing routine. i have noticed that my internet wandering is just about as broad in scope as my musical tastes, which is to say not very. every day or evening that i have some extra time to spend online, i go through pretty much the same routine as far as what i try to accomplish and what sites i try to visit before i call an end to my computer time. check my e-mail. respond to e-mail. write new e-mail. check my journal. check espn.com. check my fantasy site. check si.com. check dan shanoff's blog (you can never have too much opinion on sports, in my opinion.) check ew.com. check my various music websites. look at hannah's website. check andy's journal. check chris perry's journal.
and that's about it. now, certainly, there are other random sites that i will visit depending on what's going on in my day or the world in general. i am a big fan of rottentomatoes. i will check the weather from time to time. check cnn. or msnbc. for a long time, i tried to keep up with folks from huffman's journals to keep up with their away from church lives, but that seems to have almost played itself out. most have transferred their attention to myspace. or facebook. or college. or somewhere else. and i don't have the time or energy to dive into that pool. but for the most part, though, all of my time is focused on the content of the sites in the above paragraph.
it's kind of funny. i don't think i realized until recently how narrow my view of the world wide web was. and honestly, i suppose i don't have enough time to try and find just a lot more that may or may not improve my surfing experience. on a given off day or day that i may be closing the store, i can spend hours on espn alone.
and that brings me back to andy. his journal is one that i look forward to because he is, for one, my dog. but it's also insightful and pointed in the way he feels his life reflects god to others. most of the time, he would write about something that he and i wouldn't necessarily talk about in our own face to face conversations. and that was the fun part. a peek into his soul. i think that's what a good journal is anyway. i read some and think, "yeah, that was a good point, but that's something i can hear you saying anyway." give me something new. something you may be a little anxious for your world to know about you.
this isn't me calling andy out. both of our schedules are busy. and we don't get to do dreamland nearly enough. i guess it was a little easier to bridge the gaps between ribs when i got an occasional taste of the conversation we might have through his journal. hell, i wish i could write everyday, but family and work sometimes have to take priority. probably, more than anything else, this post is a commentary on me feeling like something's been missing from my life for a couple months and me just this morning realizing what it might have been.
as red from shawshank said to himself about his own andy..."i guess i just miss my friend."
(appointment surfing)
one of my dearest friends in the world, andy rickles, has not updated his online blog/journal/diary/whathaveyou in working on three months. why is that, i wonder. has he run out of things to say? has the "man" made him weary of expressing his innermost thoughts and ponderings online for fear that the "concerned" might make a stink? has, god forbid, andy had his hands chewed off by an overaggressive or just plain hungry raccoon and therefore lost the ability to type on his own? let's hope not. deep down, i believe the answer may just be that andy has been busy, but his lack of updates make me sad anyway.
why? because andy's journal is part of my everyday online surfing routine. i have noticed that my internet wandering is just about as broad in scope as my musical tastes, which is to say not very. every day or evening that i have some extra time to spend online, i go through pretty much the same routine as far as what i try to accomplish and what sites i try to visit before i call an end to my computer time. check my e-mail. respond to e-mail. write new e-mail. check my journal. check espn.com. check my fantasy site. check si.com. check dan shanoff's blog (you can never have too much opinion on sports, in my opinion.) check ew.com. check my various music websites. look at hannah's website. check andy's journal. check chris perry's journal.
and that's about it. now, certainly, there are other random sites that i will visit depending on what's going on in my day or the world in general. i am a big fan of rottentomatoes. i will check the weather from time to time. check cnn. or msnbc. for a long time, i tried to keep up with folks from huffman's journals to keep up with their away from church lives, but that seems to have almost played itself out. most have transferred their attention to myspace. or facebook. or college. or somewhere else. and i don't have the time or energy to dive into that pool. but for the most part, though, all of my time is focused on the content of the sites in the above paragraph.
it's kind of funny. i don't think i realized until recently how narrow my view of the world wide web was. and honestly, i suppose i don't have enough time to try and find just a lot more that may or may not improve my surfing experience. on a given off day or day that i may be closing the store, i can spend hours on espn alone.
and that brings me back to andy. his journal is one that i look forward to because he is, for one, my dog. but it's also insightful and pointed in the way he feels his life reflects god to others. most of the time, he would write about something that he and i wouldn't necessarily talk about in our own face to face conversations. and that was the fun part. a peek into his soul. i think that's what a good journal is anyway. i read some and think, "yeah, that was a good point, but that's something i can hear you saying anyway." give me something new. something you may be a little anxious for your world to know about you.
this isn't me calling andy out. both of our schedules are busy. and we don't get to do dreamland nearly enough. i guess it was a little easier to bridge the gaps between ribs when i got an occasional taste of the conversation we might have through his journal. hell, i wish i could write everyday, but family and work sometimes have to take priority. probably, more than anything else, this post is a commentary on me feeling like something's been missing from my life for a couple months and me just this morning realizing what it might have been.
as red from shawshank said to himself about his own andy..."i guess i just miss my friend."
Friday, November 03, 2006
the fall season finale?
(what the crap does that mean?)
i read on jacob sutton's journal that this was going to happen, but i didn't want to believe it. that lost was going to air six episodes, then take a huge break, then come back for a run after the new year, but this sucks. i've been happy with four of the five new ones so far, and it really feels like the show is picking up some serious smoke monster. so, what is going to happen on the "MOST...IMPORTANT...LOST...EVER"? Probably nothing huge, but i'll watch and be disappointed next week that i have to wait for months to not have any of the questions answered that i want answered. please, why do i watch this show??? oh, and by the way, do we really need to be introduced to the "new couple"? aren't there enough characters that we don't spend any time with already? oh well.
so, i made it to my 100th post. it took one year and ten days. not too bad. it's been a good year. i want to go back and read all my nonsense again soon, but it all still feels very fresh on my mind as it is. i remember just like it was yesterday the shit storm after my venting about the church not having a halloween carnival. it's sad that, this year, it's a non-issue. it's a thing of the past. something we used to do. RIP box maze. may the happier colors in the newly painted GQ spawn something equally magnificent someday. no, really. i mean it. honestly.
i think i need to fiddle with my journal. change up the color scheme. keep it interesting. for me at the very least. i do like my look, but maybe it's time for a change.
my birthday was a very good day. saw a lot of people that i wanted to see. heard from a lot more. i am happy to report that the sky has yet to fall on my weary shoulders. maybe my shoulders are just getting stronger.
thanksgiving is just around the corner. oh...my...god. i can already taste the dressing. the coca-cola salad. the dressing. the sweet potatoes (with marshmellows on top?). the dressing. oh, sweet november. please move as quickly as did october. i need to start conditioning my body. i am out of practice. one meal a day will not expand my stomach to the extent that it needs to be pulled and stretched to make room for the dressing.
i think it's time to start playing again.
i think i really like heroes.
i think i am going to color a card for both michael vick and lebron james, send them their cards, and hope that they call me.
i think that 30 rock may take lost's slot in my viewing week. i now will need a wednesday show. i haven't been able to give it much of a chance.
i think that i will miss studio 60 after it is yanked.
i think cookie cakes are the bomb.
i think the dick from last thanksgiving really gets on my nerves (cue soundclip in my head from rocky V).
i think it's time for a metaphor. this sunday, perhaps?
then i'll cut the grass for the last time this season.
sweet.
(what the crap does that mean?)
i read on jacob sutton's journal that this was going to happen, but i didn't want to believe it. that lost was going to air six episodes, then take a huge break, then come back for a run after the new year, but this sucks. i've been happy with four of the five new ones so far, and it really feels like the show is picking up some serious smoke monster. so, what is going to happen on the "MOST...IMPORTANT...LOST...EVER"? Probably nothing huge, but i'll watch and be disappointed next week that i have to wait for months to not have any of the questions answered that i want answered. please, why do i watch this show??? oh, and by the way, do we really need to be introduced to the "new couple"? aren't there enough characters that we don't spend any time with already? oh well.
so, i made it to my 100th post. it took one year and ten days. not too bad. it's been a good year. i want to go back and read all my nonsense again soon, but it all still feels very fresh on my mind as it is. i remember just like it was yesterday the shit storm after my venting about the church not having a halloween carnival. it's sad that, this year, it's a non-issue. it's a thing of the past. something we used to do. RIP box maze. may the happier colors in the newly painted GQ spawn something equally magnificent someday. no, really. i mean it. honestly.
i think i need to fiddle with my journal. change up the color scheme. keep it interesting. for me at the very least. i do like my look, but maybe it's time for a change.
my birthday was a very good day. saw a lot of people that i wanted to see. heard from a lot more. i am happy to report that the sky has yet to fall on my weary shoulders. maybe my shoulders are just getting stronger.
thanksgiving is just around the corner. oh...my...god. i can already taste the dressing. the coca-cola salad. the dressing. the sweet potatoes (with marshmellows on top?). the dressing. oh, sweet november. please move as quickly as did october. i need to start conditioning my body. i am out of practice. one meal a day will not expand my stomach to the extent that it needs to be pulled and stretched to make room for the dressing.
i think it's time to start playing again.
i think i really like heroes.
i think i am going to color a card for both michael vick and lebron james, send them their cards, and hope that they call me.
i think that 30 rock may take lost's slot in my viewing week. i now will need a wednesday show. i haven't been able to give it much of a chance.
i think that i will miss studio 60 after it is yanked.
i think cookie cakes are the bomb.
i think the dick from last thanksgiving really gets on my nerves (cue soundclip in my head from rocky V).
i think it's time for a metaphor. this sunday, perhaps?
then i'll cut the grass for the last time this season.
sweet.
Monday, October 30, 2006
99
(happy birthday to me?)
so, i didn't make it. not even to my amended goal. my 100th post will have to come later this week. either thursday or friday when i close the store and have some time to spend online in the morning. and so, this morning, i make number 99.
i woke up this morning and i was 30. i have been building this up in my head for months now. the big 3-0. 30. thirty. not in my twenties. 30. i woke up this morning and you know how i felt?
... awake. not sore. not creaky. not old. not like i had one foot in the grave. no headache. almost fully recovered from my cold of the last ten days. i felt...pretty. damn. good??? that's not what it's like, is it? turning 30, that is. of all my birthdays, i should feel older today. but i don't. i feel really, really good. now granted, we didn't play softball last week. so, i have had two weeks to recover from our epic doubleheader now. if my birthday was last monday, i think i would've felt 30. in a couple weeks when we get started playing basketball again, when i run up and down a basketball court for the first time in nine months, i am going to feel 30. but not today.
today, i woke up and my body wouldn't let me go back to sleep. today, i walked downstairs and my precious, beautiful little girl was coloring a birthday card for me. today, i've already heard voices of people wishing my day well. i've read an e-mail already doing the same. today, i am going to have lunch with a couple of old friends. tonight, thanks to my wonderful, doctor (thus, ending the suspense from last monday's entry) of a wife, i get to have dinner with a bunch of folks from my "sunday school class" and their families. tonight, i will eat, drink, and be merry. and monday night football will play in the background as the theme music. that couldn't be any more me!!!
no, today looks like it is going to be a good day. maybe even a great one. one that will go by way too fast in order for the world to prove that tomorrow can find a way to take the luster off of any good today. but today, i am going to enjoy being 30. and maybe, just maybe, i'll even try and own it the way some of my closest friends already have. no, today i do not have to defend any dissertations or take any big tests, but just by waking up this morning, i've earned, in a way, a pretty serious badge of honor.
me:
"hi there. this is my wife, dr. sarah o'kelley."
sarah:
"hi there. this is my husband, kevin. he's 30."
damn straight.
(happy birthday to me?)
so, i didn't make it. not even to my amended goal. my 100th post will have to come later this week. either thursday or friday when i close the store and have some time to spend online in the morning. and so, this morning, i make number 99.
i woke up this morning and i was 30. i have been building this up in my head for months now. the big 3-0. 30. thirty. not in my twenties. 30. i woke up this morning and you know how i felt?
... awake. not sore. not creaky. not old. not like i had one foot in the grave. no headache. almost fully recovered from my cold of the last ten days. i felt...pretty. damn. good??? that's not what it's like, is it? turning 30, that is. of all my birthdays, i should feel older today. but i don't. i feel really, really good. now granted, we didn't play softball last week. so, i have had two weeks to recover from our epic doubleheader now. if my birthday was last monday, i think i would've felt 30. in a couple weeks when we get started playing basketball again, when i run up and down a basketball court for the first time in nine months, i am going to feel 30. but not today.
today, i woke up and my body wouldn't let me go back to sleep. today, i walked downstairs and my precious, beautiful little girl was coloring a birthday card for me. today, i've already heard voices of people wishing my day well. i've read an e-mail already doing the same. today, i am going to have lunch with a couple of old friends. tonight, thanks to my wonderful, doctor (thus, ending the suspense from last monday's entry) of a wife, i get to have dinner with a bunch of folks from my "sunday school class" and their families. tonight, i will eat, drink, and be merry. and monday night football will play in the background as the theme music. that couldn't be any more me!!!
no, today looks like it is going to be a good day. maybe even a great one. one that will go by way too fast in order for the world to prove that tomorrow can find a way to take the luster off of any good today. but today, i am going to enjoy being 30. and maybe, just maybe, i'll even try and own it the way some of my closest friends already have. no, today i do not have to defend any dissertations or take any big tests, but just by waking up this morning, i've earned, in a way, a pretty serious badge of honor.
me:
"hi there. this is my wife, dr. sarah o'kelley."
sarah:
"hi there. this is my husband, kevin. he's 30."
damn straight.
Monday, October 23, 2006
98
(sarah's big day)
i guess this day is probably the culmination of every day you've had since i met you. for until today, every day we have known each other has, in a way, been leading to this hour. defending your dissertation. as i sit in your office and type, i can't help but think back on everything that has led you and us to this day. this, your last day as a "student".
as romantic as our story began, our since is the stuff that every relationship has been and ever will be, but with our own twist. we have had ups, downs, big ups and big downs. as romantic as this day will most likely be for you, my guess is that our future will hold much of the same. ups, downs, big ups and big downs.
i think that i don't tell you enough how proud i am of you. it's so much easier to tell others. and that's not very fair. it's too easy to take you for granted, but i think that is one of our ups. on most days, though, contrary to what may or may not come out of my mouth, i do not take you for granted. the love, patience, stability, caring and understanding you have brought to my life, in my eyes, is the stuff of legend. and i thank you for that.
i think that we are the greatest parents hannah could ever ask for. and that is one of our big ups. it shows in the way she kisses everyone. it shows in how horrible we are at applying discipline. it shows in that it wouldn't make sense for it to be any other way. she is stubborn like the both of us. she looks like you. she makes your faces. she makes you crazy. and me too. but she is ours. and the better for it i am sure.
i think, as i've said before, that i am "the luckiest" when it comes to being a part of your family. your family that is so different than mine, but also very much like it. maybe one day we can write a book on how, in spite of having every last one of the stars of functionality aligned against us, we made it work. that might be fun.
i think that, no matter the vote of your committee, that i will be supportive of you as you begin your next chapter. one that i will be happy and anxious to be a part of. one that who knows how it may read with the both of us having free time on our hands. one that will be interesting and new in every way.
i know that i love you. i know that you are finishing up your presentation right now and are about to convince the doctors in the room with you that you are fit to be in their club. i'll make sure that, since she won't remember, hannah knows how hard you worked for this and her and us, all at the same time. it's too bad that the doctors in the room can't take that into account too. not that you need any more help.
i can't wait to hear how it went.
(sarah's big day)
i guess this day is probably the culmination of every day you've had since i met you. for until today, every day we have known each other has, in a way, been leading to this hour. defending your dissertation. as i sit in your office and type, i can't help but think back on everything that has led you and us to this day. this, your last day as a "student".
as romantic as our story began, our since is the stuff that every relationship has been and ever will be, but with our own twist. we have had ups, downs, big ups and big downs. as romantic as this day will most likely be for you, my guess is that our future will hold much of the same. ups, downs, big ups and big downs.
i think that i don't tell you enough how proud i am of you. it's so much easier to tell others. and that's not very fair. it's too easy to take you for granted, but i think that is one of our ups. on most days, though, contrary to what may or may not come out of my mouth, i do not take you for granted. the love, patience, stability, caring and understanding you have brought to my life, in my eyes, is the stuff of legend. and i thank you for that.
i think that we are the greatest parents hannah could ever ask for. and that is one of our big ups. it shows in the way she kisses everyone. it shows in how horrible we are at applying discipline. it shows in that it wouldn't make sense for it to be any other way. she is stubborn like the both of us. she looks like you. she makes your faces. she makes you crazy. and me too. but she is ours. and the better for it i am sure.
i think, as i've said before, that i am "the luckiest" when it comes to being a part of your family. your family that is so different than mine, but also very much like it. maybe one day we can write a book on how, in spite of having every last one of the stars of functionality aligned against us, we made it work. that might be fun.
i think that, no matter the vote of your committee, that i will be supportive of you as you begin your next chapter. one that i will be happy and anxious to be a part of. one that who knows how it may read with the both of us having free time on our hands. one that will be interesting and new in every way.
i know that i love you. i know that you are finishing up your presentation right now and are about to convince the doctors in the room with you that you are fit to be in their club. i'll make sure that, since she won't remember, hannah knows how hard you worked for this and her and us, all at the same time. it's too bad that the doctors in the room can't take that into account too. not that you need any more help.
i can't wait to hear how it went.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
on this, my 97th post...
(hannah and me, part sixteen)
...i begin to look back on my life as an online journalist (i use that term more than loosely for i am doing no research, fact-checking or follow-up as part of this little webpage). i don't think that i am necessarily a "blogger", if you will. i think a true weblog has a central theme that it comments on and sticks to that theme with more frequency than i post here. i don't really have a central theme. i am all over the place. i do try and relate most of my entries to how they might affect hannah or my family or my friends, but i still think that is a little too broad for this to be a "blog". i think from time to time that this is closer to a diary than anything else. maybe all "blogs" or journals kind of are. but i never kept a diary, and i don't know the rules that define them other than they have to have a lock and a kitty on the front, so that probably doesn't apply here either. i think from this point forward i will consider myself an unsolicited opinionist. for not one of my subjects, muses or inspirations have ever asked for me to take them into consideration. after reading my wrath, some have probably asked otherwise, but oh well. so, i continue to opine unsolicitly...
one of my goals when started this journal was to try and make 100 posts in my first year. i don't know if that is realistic now. i would have to make three more by next tuesday, and who knows if i will find enough time, motivation or venom to make that deadline. maybe by my birthday, though. that would be a reachable goal. we'll see.
for this, my 97th post, i will finish with talking about my daughter. one of the things that is striking to me, comparing her now, almost a 3 year-old, to just a few short months ago is how much more social she is. i know for a fact that she does not get this from me. the older i get, the less social i become. i am sure this regression started at a very early age for me. but for hannah, nowadays, we can talk up seeing kiker, or a visit with heath, or seeing meg at church, or anyone that she remembers and recognizes and it's almost as if she makes it a point to make their day by giving out hugs and high-fives. she doesn't mind playing with strange kids as long as the kids share. she won't wince (as much) when an old person at church wants to squeeze her cheeks. she'll even try on clothes for other kids' grandparents in target if she's asked. i think it is a very special gift to be able to make the person you are connecting with feel like the most important person in the room, and i think she has it. people have told me that she gets this from me, but i don't think so. with me, i have to try. i am a complete introvert that has to work sometimes to come out of my shell. i don't get the feeling that hannah will be that way, and i think she will be the better for it. she already rules her daycare class, and i can't imagine it will be long before she starts captaining a team or running for student council. she makes a daddy very proud.
for hannah and me, this will be a glass half-full day.
(hannah and me, part sixteen)
...i begin to look back on my life as an online journalist (i use that term more than loosely for i am doing no research, fact-checking or follow-up as part of this little webpage). i don't think that i am necessarily a "blogger", if you will. i think a true weblog has a central theme that it comments on and sticks to that theme with more frequency than i post here. i don't really have a central theme. i am all over the place. i do try and relate most of my entries to how they might affect hannah or my family or my friends, but i still think that is a little too broad for this to be a "blog". i think from time to time that this is closer to a diary than anything else. maybe all "blogs" or journals kind of are. but i never kept a diary, and i don't know the rules that define them other than they have to have a lock and a kitty on the front, so that probably doesn't apply here either. i think from this point forward i will consider myself an unsolicited opinionist. for not one of my subjects, muses or inspirations have ever asked for me to take them into consideration. after reading my wrath, some have probably asked otherwise, but oh well. so, i continue to opine unsolicitly...
one of my goals when started this journal was to try and make 100 posts in my first year. i don't know if that is realistic now. i would have to make three more by next tuesday, and who knows if i will find enough time, motivation or venom to make that deadline. maybe by my birthday, though. that would be a reachable goal. we'll see.
for this, my 97th post, i will finish with talking about my daughter. one of the things that is striking to me, comparing her now, almost a 3 year-old, to just a few short months ago is how much more social she is. i know for a fact that she does not get this from me. the older i get, the less social i become. i am sure this regression started at a very early age for me. but for hannah, nowadays, we can talk up seeing kiker, or a visit with heath, or seeing meg at church, or anyone that she remembers and recognizes and it's almost as if she makes it a point to make their day by giving out hugs and high-fives. she doesn't mind playing with strange kids as long as the kids share. she won't wince (as much) when an old person at church wants to squeeze her cheeks. she'll even try on clothes for other kids' grandparents in target if she's asked. i think it is a very special gift to be able to make the person you are connecting with feel like the most important person in the room, and i think she has it. people have told me that she gets this from me, but i don't think so. with me, i have to try. i am a complete introvert that has to work sometimes to come out of my shell. i don't get the feeling that hannah will be that way, and i think she will be the better for it. she already rules her daycare class, and i can't imagine it will be long before she starts captaining a team or running for student council. she makes a daddy very proud.
for hannah and me, this will be a glass half-full day.
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