hannah and me (part one)

as evidenced by some of my first posts, i oftentimes am mad at the world. not just the cliche, but mad at the world. the world in general, the people of the world specifically, the people in my world more specifically. people have such potential. christians have even more, because we know better. we know that there is something unseen that we can't explain that loves us, that gives us hope, that pushes us forward, that doesn't ask for anything in return other than what our beautiful free will drives us to reciprocate. more times than not, though, we screw it up. we are so fucking selfish. we put our emphasis on money. on being known. on building a facade that people can fawn over when deep down, we know that we are pulling the wool over on everyone we come in contact with. we are so scared to admit that we may have fucked up, that we just move on and convince ourselves of some false truth, some skewed worldview based on our on rationalizations. something that has and will continue to plague me is my inability to tackle these frustrations head on. instead, i tend to avoid confrontation, swallow my anger and/or hurt, and just wait until it comes out in some way that i don't expect.

this brings me to today's entry. i still want to be mad today. at the whole HUMC halloween deal, but i am having a hard time getting upset. i turned 29 yesterday, and i felt the love and care of many, many people. it's hard to be angry when you feel so good. also, i have a little present from God in her room taking a nap right now that i get to spend a day with today. and three next week. i can't wait. i hope she can't. i hope she doesn't mind spending a few days away from Lauren and Amaya and all of her other friends. while we were getting my car washed today, we had the greatest time chasing one empty twizzler wrapper around the waiting area. she is so cute. oh hannah. i hope your mom and i can make you happy and somehow avoid the anger and frustration and hurt that your dna, inevitably and unfortunately, has been imprinted with. we'll try. i promise. daddy loves you. so much.

"you're a whore in sheep's clothing, fucking up all i do." -coheed

i'll get to this one a little later. i just had to put the line down somewhere other than in my head. maybe i'll be able to go to sleep now...

...he's found his legs. time to see what the other guy's got.

...ring the bell.

...round two.

people i wouldn't mind being for a day (part one of many i am sure)...

let's start with...

...michael freakin' vick - ok. growing up 'til now, i have always considered myself an ok to slightly above average athlete. that's not to say i wasn't pretty good at the sports i attempted to play and still play in an attempt to stay young, but on an athletic level, i was and am probably on par with your standard white guy, the 1976 model. but michael vick. damn. if i could only play football in his shoes for one game. he's faster than everyone on the field. has more moves than anyone else on the field and the strongest arm the game's ever seen. ever. sure, he has some problems with accuracy and touch, but those are skills and not athletic detriments. i love you michael vick. watching you makes me very happy. win a super bowl. make all the naysayers kiss your ass. you are the man.

ichiro - i love baseball. i love playing it (well, it's softball nowadays). i love watching it. you can ask my wife. i can live and die with the braves, even in a "meaningless" game in the middle of june. as a matter of fact, it's been a regular appointment the last 14 years barring one during the playoffs to watch them lose to someone i think they should beat. i like chipper a lot. i like andruw jones and watching him more. but it's ichiro that stirs my drink. i don't get to see him much other than highlights on baseball tonight, but he's so good. so good at baseball. a natural rocket arm, speed and hits .330 every year. so good. i would love to play one baseball game as ichiro.

...two from life...

andy - a reliable and trusted voice on sports, music, religion, politics and life in general. we have so much in common it's scary, and i have joked before that he is my long lost brother from another mother. i would be honored to walk a day in his shoes. i'd live 50 yards from a full size basketball court. that'd be cool.

kiker - i do not know a better man. period. you could try and argue with me, but i'd find a way to kick your ass. if you were bigger than me, i'd bring a bat.

fear the community...

i just told a friend of mine that i've been "blogging" for less than a week now, and i already feel myself tempering what i want to say. why? for fear of upsetting someone of course. don't want to step on anyone's toes. don't want to make anyone think less of me. don't want anyone to think i am a bad person. fuck!!! what is wrong with me? i know i am not a bad person. in fact, i think i am a pretty good one. i love god. i love jesus, and it's my want to somehow make everyone i stumble upon see that love and want a part of it. that's good, right? but, still, i hesitate. god, being on a church staff for six years will change you. maybe not for the worse, necessarily, but it will take away your cajones. my methods don't match up with a church and congregation like HUMC all the time. a halo 2 night? "oh no. that's not right!" laughing and fellowshipping with family guy? "i don't like that show. the baby's creepy. they fart." leave the youth center open past 8? "they can go and hang out somewhere else. i can't stay here all night."...

HUMC canceled their halloween carnival this year. no box maze. no cake walk. no bean bag toss. my "sources" at the church told me the main reason was lack of volunteers. how nice. the church championed the outpouring of "community" into the church last year. we planned for 150. 750 showed up. maybe more. we were awesome. we'll double it next year. bullshit. "you mean we have to buy 100 bags of candy instead of ten? no way, dude!" "something's come up. i am sorry. i have to watch a rerun of the king of queens." how silly and sad. i'll probably be more upset as monday draws nearer. this may be continued...

"they" can go to huffman baptist i guess...

they will.

Sports Talk Entry Number One

Fisher Deberry was right...

for those of you that don't know, Fisher Deberry is the head football coach at Air Force. In his weekly press conference, he made a comment about needing to recruit more black athletes to enhance his team's speed and therefore their chance to win. well, of course, all hell broke loose and accusations were made that they were racist comments. were they??? give me a break. he was not inflammatory with his comments. he just said what we all know and think when we are watching a game. black guys tend to be faster, predominantly, than white guys. a case in point...since jason sehorn, how many white guys have started a game at cornerback in the nfl? my guess is zero, although i don't have the facts to back that up. how many white guys that don't play for the rams in the nfl are not labeled as "possession receivers"? meaning, they are slow as crap but run good routes. probably because they are slow as crap and it's easier to make a cut when you run a 4.87 compared to a 4.4. we are so quick to freakin' judge. how many of you or your parents hold the high and mighty "Bear" Bryant in the highest of regards? Well, after (black) USC running back Sam Cunningham ran all over Alabama's ass (in a Rose Bowl i think), the "Bear" was quoted as saying, "I gotta get me one of them." in that mumbled voice of his. since he was in the south and he won games, no one jumped on him for making the insensitive comment of the year, if not his career. Fisher Deberry is right. if you will kindly make a left toward the stable, i can direct all of you hypocrites to where you can get off your high horse!!!


by the way...brad lidge, meet mark wohlers and mitch williams. you're done. become a starter. leave the country. you memories of this post-season will drive you insane shortly. sorry.

Round One...ding


"Bitch, what you don't know about me I can just about squeeze in the Grand fucking Canyon. Did you know I always wanted to be a dancer in Vegas?" -silent bob


how many people in this world know you? i mean, truly know you? know, know you. from the inside out. i think i could count the number of those people in my life on one hand and one of those can't really talk yet. i've talked about this out loud before. with the group. we didn't have time to get very deep. that was probably for the best. the deeper, the sadder. my parents aren't even close to being counted on that one hand, and i've grown to like it that way. i used to want them to know more, but when i realized they didn't really care, i gave up. they don't want to know...

...and neither do you. do you? but that's ok.

...i do love my friends. i do love those that care about me. i do love those that i care about.

...i give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but i am cynical. more now than ever.

i use bad language a lot. i hope that's ok. you'll see it here. i'll see it here.

so, is it good or bad? the whole people not knowing me/you thing. i don't know. what would i want them to know. the bad stuff? probably not. this subject will come up a lot. it rears it's head to me often.

jab, jab, dance, jab. he's feeling this thing out. it's a fighter's fight. jab, jab, dance...

ding.

therein lies the crux, right...

you've claimed to hate something, but for some reason you're drawn to it anyway. you've understood the logic, and yet you've hated it for the same logical reasons. you like to journal, or you did. but you don't anymore. you've had thoughts that ranged from the silly to sincere as to how people have journaled of and about you. you've been flattered. you've been mad. you've swore you'd get even. you've been proud that you didn't. and so here goes...

will i apologize for it? i guess this, my first post, is in a way an apology. an apology that i couldn't control my urge for an outlet of sorts. a way that if someone is interested in me farther than my words or actions, they may receive some sort of insight or entertainment.

how committed will i be? we'll see.

as nasty and narcissistic as i want to be? we'll see.

sarah and hannah...my girls...i love you. maybe you'll think this is fun.

i'll be back soon...

to my family, friends, and those that may ever stumble across this, MY world, welcome.

the gloves are now off.