hannah and me (part one)

as evidenced by some of my first posts, i oftentimes am mad at the world. not just the cliche, but mad at the world. the world in general, the people of the world specifically, the people in my world more specifically. people have such potential. christians have even more, because we know better. we know that there is something unseen that we can't explain that loves us, that gives us hope, that pushes us forward, that doesn't ask for anything in return other than what our beautiful free will drives us to reciprocate. more times than not, though, we screw it up. we are so fucking selfish. we put our emphasis on money. on being known. on building a facade that people can fawn over when deep down, we know that we are pulling the wool over on everyone we come in contact with. we are so scared to admit that we may have fucked up, that we just move on and convince ourselves of some false truth, some skewed worldview based on our on rationalizations. something that has and will continue to plague me is my inability to tackle these frustrations head on. instead, i tend to avoid confrontation, swallow my anger and/or hurt, and just wait until it comes out in some way that i don't expect.

this brings me to today's entry. i still want to be mad today. at the whole HUMC halloween deal, but i am having a hard time getting upset. i turned 29 yesterday, and i felt the love and care of many, many people. it's hard to be angry when you feel so good. also, i have a little present from God in her room taking a nap right now that i get to spend a day with today. and three next week. i can't wait. i hope she can't. i hope she doesn't mind spending a few days away from Lauren and Amaya and all of her other friends. while we were getting my car washed today, we had the greatest time chasing one empty twizzler wrapper around the waiting area. she is so cute. oh hannah. i hope your mom and i can make you happy and somehow avoid the anger and frustration and hurt that your dna, inevitably and unfortunately, has been imprinted with. we'll try. i promise. daddy loves you. so much.