a little sick
with my new year's resolution out of the way, i am trying to find something new to tackle. nothing's gnawing at me at the moment, though, other than how much it sucks to be sick. granted, i am preaching to the choir. everyone gets sick. but i am an incredible baby when i am sick. being in huntsville with no one to hear me moan and groan sucks too. no one can really do anything for you when you're sick, but doesn't it feel so much better to have someone to whine to? whining over the phone is just annoying. whining, period, is annoying i guess. alas, i will take my dayquil and suck it up and hope that it doesn't last too long.
i am looking forward to this weekend. i'll be home friday night and then have my first three day weekend in quite some time (not including when i was job searching). i am not so excited about watching alabama lose on monday, but they will anyway.
i'll watch another couple episodes tonight of lost, season one. what a good show. my goal is to try and finish season one by the time season two gets back into gear. i don't know if i am going to make it, but i am going to try.
that this post has no point is driving me crazy, so i'll stop. i do think i am going to try out a little creative writing here. it's been a long time since i've done any. i have some ideas, though. we'll see.
night-night, hannah. i love you.
"nighnight, daddy...i wuf you."
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Monday, December 26, 2005
a very bearvsshark christmas
hannah and me (part four)
i mentioned in my last post the passing of what was my favorite band, bearvsshark. the loss still stings a little bit. i love counting the months/days down 'til one of my favorite bands will release their next record, and i hate that i won't be able to do that with bearvsshark again, but that's ok. there are plenty of other bands in the sea (half-pun intended), and i'll move on. bearvsshark's label released several eulogies from staff people and folks that were around the band and one of the laments stood out to me as very appropriate and timely. this is just a paraphrase, but one of the comments was something like, "...played every show as is they had something to prove." i thought this hit the nail on the head. there was an urgency to their music and most definitely to their live show that i was lucky enough to see once. you could feel it. it was palpable. whether or not this feeling of having something to prove was an actual motivation is a question that only the band could answer, but it got me thinking...
christmas is over. it's december 26th. christmas day was extremely busy and hectic with the exception of about an hour and a half. we seemed to be running about a half-hour late all day, but it was never too bad. hannah's first real "santa" experience was wonderful. from her kitchen to her vacuum to her baby to all the other stuff, i think she was pleased. her parents were. her birthday party was great (thanks, jennifer). the rest of the day had it's highs and lows, but no real valley lows, so that was good. any sorts of lows could be atrributed to everyone being busy or feeling busy or feeling stretched a little too far. no real worries, though. dressing was served. so were sweet potatoes with marshmellows. what a surprise. what a present (one of the best of the day). i think next christmas may be a little less busy with new "traditions" taking the place of old and uncomfortable ones. i hope so, anyway. one day removed and one day into the reflection, it was a good day. a real good day...
it's december 26th, and the church that i am working for took a really hard blow today. not a killshot, but an uprotected left hook to the body at the very least. i feel bad for chris. it's his second of these. who knows what it will mean for common ground. who knows what it will mean for me. it will mean something, but i'll figure it out in time. my take? here where i push the buttons, i think the person is chickenshit and a hypocrite and is hiding behind her daughter. judgemental? yep. i don't even know the person and their personal life is more stressful than i would ever want to know. but that's ok. if you can't be honest, you can at least be dishonest. maybe more on this later...
christmas and the bad news and bearvsshark got me thinking. what should my new year's resolution be. the one that i will fail at time after time, but that i will try and make my theme for this coming year and the ones after that. i think it will be that i would like to live every day like i have something to prove. prove that i am the best father for hannah. the best husband. the best manager at coldstone (for as long as that lasts). the best part of common ground (the same). the best friend. the best example of jesus that someone may see on a given day. the bar will be high, and i will not jump high enough on some days. but this, one week early, is my resolution. my goal. my want.
my prayer.
hannah and me (part four)
i mentioned in my last post the passing of what was my favorite band, bearvsshark. the loss still stings a little bit. i love counting the months/days down 'til one of my favorite bands will release their next record, and i hate that i won't be able to do that with bearvsshark again, but that's ok. there are plenty of other bands in the sea (half-pun intended), and i'll move on. bearvsshark's label released several eulogies from staff people and folks that were around the band and one of the laments stood out to me as very appropriate and timely. this is just a paraphrase, but one of the comments was something like, "...played every show as is they had something to prove." i thought this hit the nail on the head. there was an urgency to their music and most definitely to their live show that i was lucky enough to see once. you could feel it. it was palpable. whether or not this feeling of having something to prove was an actual motivation is a question that only the band could answer, but it got me thinking...
christmas is over. it's december 26th. christmas day was extremely busy and hectic with the exception of about an hour and a half. we seemed to be running about a half-hour late all day, but it was never too bad. hannah's first real "santa" experience was wonderful. from her kitchen to her vacuum to her baby to all the other stuff, i think she was pleased. her parents were. her birthday party was great (thanks, jennifer). the rest of the day had it's highs and lows, but no real valley lows, so that was good. any sorts of lows could be atrributed to everyone being busy or feeling busy or feeling stretched a little too far. no real worries, though. dressing was served. so were sweet potatoes with marshmellows. what a surprise. what a present (one of the best of the day). i think next christmas may be a little less busy with new "traditions" taking the place of old and uncomfortable ones. i hope so, anyway. one day removed and one day into the reflection, it was a good day. a real good day...
it's december 26th, and the church that i am working for took a really hard blow today. not a killshot, but an uprotected left hook to the body at the very least. i feel bad for chris. it's his second of these. who knows what it will mean for common ground. who knows what it will mean for me. it will mean something, but i'll figure it out in time. my take? here where i push the buttons, i think the person is chickenshit and a hypocrite and is hiding behind her daughter. judgemental? yep. i don't even know the person and their personal life is more stressful than i would ever want to know. but that's ok. if you can't be honest, you can at least be dishonest. maybe more on this later...
christmas and the bad news and bearvsshark got me thinking. what should my new year's resolution be. the one that i will fail at time after time, but that i will try and make my theme for this coming year and the ones after that. i think it will be that i would like to live every day like i have something to prove. prove that i am the best father for hannah. the best husband. the best manager at coldstone (for as long as that lasts). the best part of common ground (the same). the best friend. the best example of jesus that someone may see on a given day. the bar will be high, and i will not jump high enough on some days. but this, one week early, is my resolution. my goal. my want.
my prayer.
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
soundtrack 2005 - my year in music
i am in no way qualified to be a music critic, but then again, who really is? it's that time of year when "best of" lists come out for any and everything, but every list is subject to each publication's, webzine's or person's unique taste. this year, i bought less music than i have in the last several. i don't know if i branched out much. my list isn't very inclusive. i won't try and encourage those that read this that your life will be worse off if you don't have these cd's in your collection, rather i will just be thankful that these bands/people have provided the background noise for the most topsy-turvy year of my life. reflecting back on the soundtrack of my 2005, these are the records that garnered the most playing time (along with some other random thoughts accompanying them):
(Ten) - Death Cab for Cutie - Plans - Andy's encouraged me into this band (you will note this recurring theme) for a while now, but it wasn't 'til Plans that I gave them a fair shot. The music is quite soothing and soft without being too soothing or soft, and the melodies will get stuck in your head for days. I have to be in the mood for this, but this year I was in the mood for it early and often. Still am. If I can only get it back from Sarah...
(Nine) - Coheed and Cambria - Goodnight Apollo...(blah, blah, blah) - You know how you go to some movies for the escape of it all? Just for the experience? And you really like the movie? But then you hear a lot of people talking shit about the movie because it isn't Citizen Kane or because they think it's lame? The same kind of thing happened with me and this album. I really was looking forward to it. I really dug the last album. I like that it has a story it asks you to follow, but even if you don't, the songs stand alone. This album was more of the same from Coheed, and I was OK with that. These guys are incredible musicians. Incredible. That is also obvious. Riffs to spare. Awesome vocals. One of my songs of the year. I loved this record. I also liked Godfather, part 3. What of it?
(Eight) - Mae - The Everglow - The second (of three) Andy bands to make the list. Listening to this record is like watching a Disney movie. Not the deepest story. Not revolutionary in it's artistic expression, but made with 100 percent love that pours out of every melody. Rock with heart. I ate this up like it was going out of style for a couple months.
(Seven) - The White Stripes - Get Behind Me Satan - I've always liked The White Stripes. They had me at Fell in Love with a Girl and I haven't let go since. This is their best album yet. Blues-punk, baby. It doesn't get any grittier, but lovely, than this. Another song of the year finishes this album off at quite a different tempo than some of their rockers, but it is a sweet (like a kitten) ender to a sweet (like a kick in the ass) album.
(Six) - Armor for Sleep - What To Do When You're Dead - The first great album of my year. A concept album, but not a shitty concept like a bad Pink Floyd album. It's the ultimate take on not knowing what we've got 'til it's gone. Kicks off painful and badass and ends very melancholy (but resigned) and badass. Great rock record.
(Five) - Thrice (final Andy band)- Vheissu - Boy was I disappointed on the first listen through this album. After the first track, it was all calculated and moody and...different. But like Violet's boyfriend on The Incredibles, "I like different...different's good." It was good. I just had to change my expectations, and not only did I find a great record but my song of the year in the fold as well. Not as rockin' or "metal", whatever that means, as their previous effort, but a solid start to my top five.
(Four) - Wilhelm Scream - Ruiner - I thought this would be my album of the year after my first listen. I really did. And it's not that I felt this got worse, just that the top three were a tad better. The first album in my top ten that I can listen to straight through, every time. Every song is different, but every song is definitely Wilhelm Scream. Fast, sometimes real fast, furious punk rock with ton's of sing-along and melody. My wet dream. That is until my dream changed with number one...
(Three) - Fiona Apple - Extraordinary Machine - I am getting a bad rap for all my Rent bashing amongst the "I love musicals" crowd. And that's OK. I still think Rent sucks. And no, I still haven't seen, nor will I, see the lifechanging musical movie of the year. But it's ironic in my list of songs of the year comes one from Fiona that could have jumped right off a stage somewhere. The first and title track kicks off a heartbreaking album from a heartbroken girl that was just what the doctor ordered for the heartbroken little boy that dwells inside this 29 year-old man's body. Beautiful. Catchy. Wonderful.
(Two) - BearvsShark - Terrorhawk - My favorite band. Now deceased. Only yesterday did I hear of their passing. Such a shame. I should've known it was too good to be true. Spastic fast. Spastic slow. Vague at times lyrics. Always intriguing. Always worth wondering what was coming next. Such was this album and this band. Rest in peace, guys. You will always carry the torch of what rock should be in my eyes.
(One) - Propagandhi - Potemkin City Limits - I could go on about this motherfucker for days. I won't. Propagandhi only put out records every five years or so, and that's a shame, but it also makes something like this album that much more endearing. It's as fast as Wilhelm Scream. The melodies and riffs take a few listens to completely grab hold of you. What sets these guys and this album apart from the pack (so far above the pack i cannot even explain) this year? They are pissed off. Like my dear, sweet Fiona exclaims, "This is not about love!!!" But then again, it is. In their own way. These guys should make "christians'" boots shake. Why? Because they are about as anti-church and anti-religion as it gets, but they seem to get it. They still have a primitive care for and want for every human being to be treated equally and fairly, not just those that are privileged enough to live in the United States. Not just those that have money. Not just those that tithe to their local church (or government). Even the poor deserve love. Even the ugly. Even our enemies. Even kids that play basketball in churches that they are not members of. All of us. Some people would say that's God moving in them even if they don't want Him to or acknowledge it. Maybe I would too. It doesn't matter, though. Being pissed is one thing. Being able to express that anger in an intelligent and thoughtful and musical (incredibly talented musicians) way is just about impossible to find these days. Thank you, Propagandhi, for reminding me of why I fell in love with "punk" music many years ago. This album rules my world...
...and my year.
Songs of the Year:
every song on potemkin city limits
fiona apple - extraordinary machine
coheed - welcome home
white stripes - i ain't that lonely yet
thrice - like moths to flame
just missed:
alkaline trio - crimson
system of a down - mesmerize
i am in no way qualified to be a music critic, but then again, who really is? it's that time of year when "best of" lists come out for any and everything, but every list is subject to each publication's, webzine's or person's unique taste. this year, i bought less music than i have in the last several. i don't know if i branched out much. my list isn't very inclusive. i won't try and encourage those that read this that your life will be worse off if you don't have these cd's in your collection, rather i will just be thankful that these bands/people have provided the background noise for the most topsy-turvy year of my life. reflecting back on the soundtrack of my 2005, these are the records that garnered the most playing time (along with some other random thoughts accompanying them):
(Ten) - Death Cab for Cutie - Plans - Andy's encouraged me into this band (you will note this recurring theme) for a while now, but it wasn't 'til Plans that I gave them a fair shot. The music is quite soothing and soft without being too soothing or soft, and the melodies will get stuck in your head for days. I have to be in the mood for this, but this year I was in the mood for it early and often. Still am. If I can only get it back from Sarah...
(Nine) - Coheed and Cambria - Goodnight Apollo...(blah, blah, blah) - You know how you go to some movies for the escape of it all? Just for the experience? And you really like the movie? But then you hear a lot of people talking shit about the movie because it isn't Citizen Kane or because they think it's lame? The same kind of thing happened with me and this album. I really was looking forward to it. I really dug the last album. I like that it has a story it asks you to follow, but even if you don't, the songs stand alone. This album was more of the same from Coheed, and I was OK with that. These guys are incredible musicians. Incredible. That is also obvious. Riffs to spare. Awesome vocals. One of my songs of the year. I loved this record. I also liked Godfather, part 3. What of it?
(Eight) - Mae - The Everglow - The second (of three) Andy bands to make the list. Listening to this record is like watching a Disney movie. Not the deepest story. Not revolutionary in it's artistic expression, but made with 100 percent love that pours out of every melody. Rock with heart. I ate this up like it was going out of style for a couple months.
(Seven) - The White Stripes - Get Behind Me Satan - I've always liked The White Stripes. They had me at Fell in Love with a Girl and I haven't let go since. This is their best album yet. Blues-punk, baby. It doesn't get any grittier, but lovely, than this. Another song of the year finishes this album off at quite a different tempo than some of their rockers, but it is a sweet (like a kitten) ender to a sweet (like a kick in the ass) album.
(Six) - Armor for Sleep - What To Do When You're Dead - The first great album of my year. A concept album, but not a shitty concept like a bad Pink Floyd album. It's the ultimate take on not knowing what we've got 'til it's gone. Kicks off painful and badass and ends very melancholy (but resigned) and badass. Great rock record.
(Five) - Thrice (final Andy band)- Vheissu - Boy was I disappointed on the first listen through this album. After the first track, it was all calculated and moody and...different. But like Violet's boyfriend on The Incredibles, "I like different...different's good." It was good. I just had to change my expectations, and not only did I find a great record but my song of the year in the fold as well. Not as rockin' or "metal", whatever that means, as their previous effort, but a solid start to my top five.
(Four) - Wilhelm Scream - Ruiner - I thought this would be my album of the year after my first listen. I really did. And it's not that I felt this got worse, just that the top three were a tad better. The first album in my top ten that I can listen to straight through, every time. Every song is different, but every song is definitely Wilhelm Scream. Fast, sometimes real fast, furious punk rock with ton's of sing-along and melody. My wet dream. That is until my dream changed with number one...
(Three) - Fiona Apple - Extraordinary Machine - I am getting a bad rap for all my Rent bashing amongst the "I love musicals" crowd. And that's OK. I still think Rent sucks. And no, I still haven't seen, nor will I, see the lifechanging musical movie of the year. But it's ironic in my list of songs of the year comes one from Fiona that could have jumped right off a stage somewhere. The first and title track kicks off a heartbreaking album from a heartbroken girl that was just what the doctor ordered for the heartbroken little boy that dwells inside this 29 year-old man's body. Beautiful. Catchy. Wonderful.
(Two) - BearvsShark - Terrorhawk - My favorite band. Now deceased. Only yesterday did I hear of their passing. Such a shame. I should've known it was too good to be true. Spastic fast. Spastic slow. Vague at times lyrics. Always intriguing. Always worth wondering what was coming next. Such was this album and this band. Rest in peace, guys. You will always carry the torch of what rock should be in my eyes.
(One) - Propagandhi - Potemkin City Limits - I could go on about this motherfucker for days. I won't. Propagandhi only put out records every five years or so, and that's a shame, but it also makes something like this album that much more endearing. It's as fast as Wilhelm Scream. The melodies and riffs take a few listens to completely grab hold of you. What sets these guys and this album apart from the pack (so far above the pack i cannot even explain) this year? They are pissed off. Like my dear, sweet Fiona exclaims, "This is not about love!!!" But then again, it is. In their own way. These guys should make "christians'" boots shake. Why? Because they are about as anti-church and anti-religion as it gets, but they seem to get it. They still have a primitive care for and want for every human being to be treated equally and fairly, not just those that are privileged enough to live in the United States. Not just those that have money. Not just those that tithe to their local church (or government). Even the poor deserve love. Even the ugly. Even our enemies. Even kids that play basketball in churches that they are not members of. All of us. Some people would say that's God moving in them even if they don't want Him to or acknowledge it. Maybe I would too. It doesn't matter, though. Being pissed is one thing. Being able to express that anger in an intelligent and thoughtful and musical (incredibly talented musicians) way is just about impossible to find these days. Thank you, Propagandhi, for reminding me of why I fell in love with "punk" music many years ago. This album rules my world...
...and my year.
Songs of the Year:
every song on potemkin city limits
fiona apple - extraordinary machine
coheed - welcome home
white stripes - i ain't that lonely yet
thrice - like moths to flame
just missed:
alkaline trio - crimson
system of a down - mesmerize
Monday, December 19, 2005
'tis the season for sure...
almost one week removed from my most passionate and personal entry thus far, uncertainties still linger. the emotion has been replaced with resignation which, although still sad, is easier to deal with. getting out with the masses and christmas shopping a little bit this weekend helped. i didn't expect to enjoy that part of "the season" as much as i did. it was fun, and i will not have to get out on christmas eve this year, which is absolutely spectacular. i do still have to wrap. a necessary evil, sure, but i am pretty good at wrapping for a boy.
i think i could title this, my december, turning the page for many different reasons. my church business has been replaced with other busy-ness, but i feel like the busy-ness this year is much more genuine than in years past. how so? i don't know exactly. the feeling of accomplishment is much more prevalent this year than last. seems weird with all the "stuff" that we filled our time with every advent. the stuff. goodness with the stuff. some silly. some contrived. some real. you tell me which was which. i don't think i can put my finger on it.
i get to see my girls soon for the first time in forever. that will be good.
and the cats. yuck. (you know i am kidding, spud.)
i still miss so many people. maybe i'll see some of them sooner rather than later.
coming tomorrow (hopefully)...the year in my music.
turn, turn, turn.
almost one week removed from my most passionate and personal entry thus far, uncertainties still linger. the emotion has been replaced with resignation which, although still sad, is easier to deal with. getting out with the masses and christmas shopping a little bit this weekend helped. i didn't expect to enjoy that part of "the season" as much as i did. it was fun, and i will not have to get out on christmas eve this year, which is absolutely spectacular. i do still have to wrap. a necessary evil, sure, but i am pretty good at wrapping for a boy.
i think i could title this, my december, turning the page for many different reasons. my church business has been replaced with other busy-ness, but i feel like the busy-ness this year is much more genuine than in years past. how so? i don't know exactly. the feeling of accomplishment is much more prevalent this year than last. seems weird with all the "stuff" that we filled our time with every advent. the stuff. goodness with the stuff. some silly. some contrived. some real. you tell me which was which. i don't think i can put my finger on it.
i get to see my girls soon for the first time in forever. that will be good.
and the cats. yuck. (you know i am kidding, spud.)
i still miss so many people. maybe i'll see some of them sooner rather than later.
coming tomorrow (hopefully)...the year in my music.
turn, turn, turn.
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
hannah and me (part three)
this time, it will not be on your terms
it's a tough question. one that i have mulled over for years. one that rears it's head in the most inconvenient (but never surprising) of times and places, but neverless, i have to pay attention.
"when is it time to cut the cord?"
having a family, having hannah is making that question a much easier one to be answered. before, it was just me. before, i could swallow it down and convince myself that it was my fault just as much as yours...and yours. before, it was easy to see that it was me making the effort. you see, the cord had already been cut. in some park in odenville, the cord was cut for me. don't you remember? i know you do. but like a weepy, whiny, little dependant bird that had fallen out of the nest before it was time to fly, i knitted the cord back together. slowly, surely, intentionally, bad memories were relegated, hurt feelings were forgiven (never forgotten), and a deliberate push towards making something out of nothing resurrected something that never should've died in the first place. it felt good. i had been lonely without you. to some degree, i always will. and that's not fair. because the same can't be said for you. can it? actions speak louder than words never spoken.
i was nervous about this weekend. i said as much. i didn't know who i would recognize. i didn't know who would recognize me. my fears were realized when the first question i heard as i walked in the house was, "who are you?". it was fair, though. it had been long time. i didn't know who she was either. it was funny, though. after she discovered i was an o'kelley, it didn't matter where the time had gone. in a matter of an hour or two, we were all family again. one...big...happy family. almost...
i am sorry things were busy. i am sorry for headaches. i had one too. always do when i am stressed. of course, you didn't ask, did you? you still should have said good-bye. it wouldn't have taken long. just a minute, and i would've understood. she looks for you in the fucking directory. she calls you the same fucking thing she calls me. you didn't have to say good-bye to me. that happened in odenville. you should've said good-bye to her, though. she hasn't done anything wrong.
you shouldn't have left our shit outside not knowing if we had the means or time to pick it up or where anyone with a truck and some extra time on their hands could've loaded up some extra christmas presents.
i shouldn't be writing this (i can't claim that finding the best way to communicate has ever been my bag). i wish i didn't feel like i had to, or wanted to...
but you should've said good-bye.
good-bye.
this time, it will not be on your terms
it's a tough question. one that i have mulled over for years. one that rears it's head in the most inconvenient (but never surprising) of times and places, but neverless, i have to pay attention.
"when is it time to cut the cord?"
having a family, having hannah is making that question a much easier one to be answered. before, it was just me. before, i could swallow it down and convince myself that it was my fault just as much as yours...and yours. before, it was easy to see that it was me making the effort. you see, the cord had already been cut. in some park in odenville, the cord was cut for me. don't you remember? i know you do. but like a weepy, whiny, little dependant bird that had fallen out of the nest before it was time to fly, i knitted the cord back together. slowly, surely, intentionally, bad memories were relegated, hurt feelings were forgiven (never forgotten), and a deliberate push towards making something out of nothing resurrected something that never should've died in the first place. it felt good. i had been lonely without you. to some degree, i always will. and that's not fair. because the same can't be said for you. can it? actions speak louder than words never spoken.
i was nervous about this weekend. i said as much. i didn't know who i would recognize. i didn't know who would recognize me. my fears were realized when the first question i heard as i walked in the house was, "who are you?". it was fair, though. it had been long time. i didn't know who she was either. it was funny, though. after she discovered i was an o'kelley, it didn't matter where the time had gone. in a matter of an hour or two, we were all family again. one...big...happy family. almost...
i am sorry things were busy. i am sorry for headaches. i had one too. always do when i am stressed. of course, you didn't ask, did you? you still should have said good-bye. it wouldn't have taken long. just a minute, and i would've understood. she looks for you in the fucking directory. she calls you the same fucking thing she calls me. you didn't have to say good-bye to me. that happened in odenville. you should've said good-bye to her, though. she hasn't done anything wrong.
you shouldn't have left our shit outside not knowing if we had the means or time to pick it up or where anyone with a truck and some extra time on their hands could've loaded up some extra christmas presents.
i shouldn't be writing this (i can't claim that finding the best way to communicate has ever been my bag). i wish i didn't feel like i had to, or wanted to...
but you should've said good-bye.
good-bye.
Friday, December 09, 2005
to dread or not to dread, that is the question.
i can't accurately recollect how many times that i have wished things were easier. with my family that is. that the divorce when i was eight didn't really happen. that my mother didn't reach into the "this guy's crazy" barrel as many times as she has. that things with brian would have worked out "better". now, my dysfunction has not come completely without it's rewards. i did happen into a stepbrother that i have much more in common with than my biological one. that doesn't mean i see him any more than brian, but it always was (and still is) fun having ken to look forward to after my dad remarried. along those lines, sandy and her entire family have been very warm and welcoming to me for as long as i can remember. i don't know if they would consider me "family", but it's very close, and for that i am incredibly grateful...
the reason i am stewing over all of this is that tomorrow i will be attending the o'kelley family chrstmas for the first time in several years. definitely for the first time since hannah's arrived, and i am incredibly nervous. for a lot of reasons, i would suppose, but mainly because i am not sure of what face i should put on. there are many people that i am looking forward to seeing, but it's kind of sad that most of those people are the ones i should see anyway. my father. sandy. my grandmother. aunt. uncle. their four children. my aunt bam. i live within ten minutes of my dad and grandmother, and i never see them. how should i act tomorrow when the rest of our distant family just assumes that we are as close as every father and son are? i don't know, and i am nervous.
every family has their issues. having served in a church environment for so long now, i guess i am more aware of this than i would like to be. just because parents are married for 25 years doesn't mean their children like them or are happy to be home for the holidays. being a part of a divorced, blended, or single-parent family doesn't necessarily mean that you will be screwed up. but my family feels very abnormal to what i wish it was. i wish that i was looking forward to tomorrow as much as i was thanksgiving, but i can't even say i am looking forward to it. i am looking forward to seeing my relatives fawn over my beautiful baby girl, but i could just as well go to target and have that happen. she is a very pretty baby girl. we'll see, though. i always prepare myself for things to be more stressful and awkward than they usually end up being. i will hope that tomorrow follows that trend. things will be fine. i am sure we will all be happy to see each other. genuinely. i am sure that we will talk about how we should do something soon. i am sure that i will act like everything is fine with the way things seem to be turning out.
i am such a chicken.
here's hoping that the holidays bring out the best in all of our families, whatever that means to each and every one. to mine? well, i guess tomorrow will begin to tell the tale. if you can't find me, i'll be the one hiding behind the two year-old.
i can't accurately recollect how many times that i have wished things were easier. with my family that is. that the divorce when i was eight didn't really happen. that my mother didn't reach into the "this guy's crazy" barrel as many times as she has. that things with brian would have worked out "better". now, my dysfunction has not come completely without it's rewards. i did happen into a stepbrother that i have much more in common with than my biological one. that doesn't mean i see him any more than brian, but it always was (and still is) fun having ken to look forward to after my dad remarried. along those lines, sandy and her entire family have been very warm and welcoming to me for as long as i can remember. i don't know if they would consider me "family", but it's very close, and for that i am incredibly grateful...
the reason i am stewing over all of this is that tomorrow i will be attending the o'kelley family chrstmas for the first time in several years. definitely for the first time since hannah's arrived, and i am incredibly nervous. for a lot of reasons, i would suppose, but mainly because i am not sure of what face i should put on. there are many people that i am looking forward to seeing, but it's kind of sad that most of those people are the ones i should see anyway. my father. sandy. my grandmother. aunt. uncle. their four children. my aunt bam. i live within ten minutes of my dad and grandmother, and i never see them. how should i act tomorrow when the rest of our distant family just assumes that we are as close as every father and son are? i don't know, and i am nervous.
every family has their issues. having served in a church environment for so long now, i guess i am more aware of this than i would like to be. just because parents are married for 25 years doesn't mean their children like them or are happy to be home for the holidays. being a part of a divorced, blended, or single-parent family doesn't necessarily mean that you will be screwed up. but my family feels very abnormal to what i wish it was. i wish that i was looking forward to tomorrow as much as i was thanksgiving, but i can't even say i am looking forward to it. i am looking forward to seeing my relatives fawn over my beautiful baby girl, but i could just as well go to target and have that happen. she is a very pretty baby girl. we'll see, though. i always prepare myself for things to be more stressful and awkward than they usually end up being. i will hope that tomorrow follows that trend. things will be fine. i am sure we will all be happy to see each other. genuinely. i am sure that we will talk about how we should do something soon. i am sure that i will act like everything is fine with the way things seem to be turning out.
i am such a chicken.
here's hoping that the holidays bring out the best in all of our families, whatever that means to each and every one. to mine? well, i guess tomorrow will begin to tell the tale. if you can't find me, i'll be the one hiding behind the two year-old.
Monday, December 05, 2005
Sports Talk Entry Number Four (Roundtable Edition)
a little game i'll call, "if, then...bullshit"
if:
...the top two teams end up playing at the end of the college football season without controversy,
then:
...the BCS "worked".
bullshit:...i'll acknowledge that the championship game this year should be incredible. but, did the BCS work? ask oregon. ask miami. both in the top eight and not playing in the big bowl games when notre dame and ohio state are. hell, ask auburn. auburn made their own bed this year thanks to jon vaughn against lsu and brandon cox against ga. tech, but last year? come on. please tell me the top eight teams in college football, regardless of conference championships, pitted against each other in an end of the year playoff would not be the biggest thing in sports...all year. the college presidents from the BCS fed conferences will never let this happen, and it's a shame. a damn shame.
if:
the braves lose raffy furcal,
then:
...their streak of division titles will end.
bullshit:...i loved raffy, but he was damn overrated. hell of an arm, but his on-base percentage sucked. good luck in LA with j.d. drew, you bastard. also lost farnsworth. big deal. yankees overpaid for a guy that works out too much. good luck in NY with gary sheffield, you idiot. lost leo mazzone. again, overrated. roger mcdowell will be a breath of fresh air and he won't always be rocking. shit, dude, just sit still. chipper's healthy. andruw is the man. francouer for the whole year. john schuerholz will do something big at winter meetings this week. can you say, "manny"?
if:
you are 7-5 and the atlanta falcons,
then:
...you will still make the playoffs.
bullshit:...this is bullshit, right? right? dammit mike vick.
if:
you don't watch arrested development tonight,
then:
...you are missing out on something truly unique and special in the bloated blob of pooh that is the land of television.
bullshit:...not bullshit. true. i know there are a lot of choices. i know there are things to do. i know you are busy. you probably have plans to go see rent, listen to the rent soundtrack or talk about rent. you should spend thirty minutes with the bluth's tonight and consider your life a better place for it.
a little game i'll call, "if, then...bullshit"
if:
...the top two teams end up playing at the end of the college football season without controversy,
then:
...the BCS "worked".
bullshit:...i'll acknowledge that the championship game this year should be incredible. but, did the BCS work? ask oregon. ask miami. both in the top eight and not playing in the big bowl games when notre dame and ohio state are. hell, ask auburn. auburn made their own bed this year thanks to jon vaughn against lsu and brandon cox against ga. tech, but last year? come on. please tell me the top eight teams in college football, regardless of conference championships, pitted against each other in an end of the year playoff would not be the biggest thing in sports...all year. the college presidents from the BCS fed conferences will never let this happen, and it's a shame. a damn shame.
if:
the braves lose raffy furcal,
then:
...their streak of division titles will end.
bullshit:...i loved raffy, but he was damn overrated. hell of an arm, but his on-base percentage sucked. good luck in LA with j.d. drew, you bastard. also lost farnsworth. big deal. yankees overpaid for a guy that works out too much. good luck in NY with gary sheffield, you idiot. lost leo mazzone. again, overrated. roger mcdowell will be a breath of fresh air and he won't always be rocking. shit, dude, just sit still. chipper's healthy. andruw is the man. francouer for the whole year. john schuerholz will do something big at winter meetings this week. can you say, "manny"?
if:
you are 7-5 and the atlanta falcons,
then:
...you will still make the playoffs.
bullshit:...this is bullshit, right? right? dammit mike vick.
if:
you don't watch arrested development tonight,
then:
...you are missing out on something truly unique and special in the bloated blob of pooh that is the land of television.
bullshit:...not bullshit. true. i know there are a lot of choices. i know there are things to do. i know you are busy. you probably have plans to go see rent, listen to the rent soundtrack or talk about rent. you should spend thirty minutes with the bluth's tonight and consider your life a better place for it.
"why do we fall, bruce?...so we can learn to pick ourselves back up." (preaching the gospel of kevin)
i "preached" yesterday morning at church for the first time in quite a while. i airquote preach because i am never comfortable using that particular term. i don't know why. i guess it applies to what i did on a fairly consistent basis over the course of my six years at huffman, but it has always struck me as one of those words you get the privilege of using if you've dedicated your life to, well, preaching. i guess we all tend to "preach" whether we know it or not. it could be the gospel of jesus christ at times. it could be the gospel of espn. it could be the gospel of shopping. it could be the gospel of videogames or movies. it could be a combination of many different "gospels". another line from batman begins has jumped out at me a lot the last couple of weeks. "it's not who i am underneath, but what I do that defines me." in this season of giving (and buying), it won't be hard to tell what "gospel" we are preaching. i guarantee you it will be directly related to how we spend our disposable income and time. i hope that, as i journey through this season (this season that on many levels i am still dreading), i will be comfortable knowing that my "gospel" is one that jesus would be proud of.
off to a lunch that is much too long coming...
back later...
sooner this time.
happy birthday, joseph!
i "preached" yesterday morning at church for the first time in quite a while. i airquote preach because i am never comfortable using that particular term. i don't know why. i guess it applies to what i did on a fairly consistent basis over the course of my six years at huffman, but it has always struck me as one of those words you get the privilege of using if you've dedicated your life to, well, preaching. i guess we all tend to "preach" whether we know it or not. it could be the gospel of jesus christ at times. it could be the gospel of espn. it could be the gospel of shopping. it could be the gospel of videogames or movies. it could be a combination of many different "gospels". another line from batman begins has jumped out at me a lot the last couple of weeks. "it's not who i am underneath, but what I do that defines me." in this season of giving (and buying), it won't be hard to tell what "gospel" we are preaching. i guarantee you it will be directly related to how we spend our disposable income and time. i hope that, as i journey through this season (this season that on many levels i am still dreading), i will be comfortable knowing that my "gospel" is one that jesus would be proud of.
off to a lunch that is much too long coming...
back later...
sooner this time.
happy birthday, joseph!
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