to dread or not to dread, that is the question.

i can't accurately recollect how many times that i have wished things were easier. with my family that is. that the divorce when i was eight didn't really happen. that my mother didn't reach into the "this guy's crazy" barrel as many times as she has. that things with brian would have worked out "better". now, my dysfunction has not come completely without it's rewards. i did happen into a stepbrother that i have much more in common with than my biological one. that doesn't mean i see him any more than brian, but it always was (and still is) fun having ken to look forward to after my dad remarried. along those lines, sandy and her entire family have been very warm and welcoming to me for as long as i can remember. i don't know if they would consider me "family", but it's very close, and for that i am incredibly grateful...

the reason i am stewing over all of this is that tomorrow i will be attending the o'kelley family chrstmas for the first time in several years. definitely for the first time since hannah's arrived, and i am incredibly nervous. for a lot of reasons, i would suppose, but mainly because i am not sure of what face i should put on. there are many people that i am looking forward to seeing, but it's kind of sad that most of those people are the ones i should see anyway. my father. sandy. my grandmother. aunt. uncle. their four children. my aunt bam. i live within ten minutes of my dad and grandmother, and i never see them. how should i act tomorrow when the rest of our distant family just assumes that we are as close as every father and son are? i don't know, and i am nervous.

every family has their issues. having served in a church environment for so long now, i guess i am more aware of this than i would like to be. just because parents are married for 25 years doesn't mean their children like them or are happy to be home for the holidays. being a part of a divorced, blended, or single-parent family doesn't necessarily mean that you will be screwed up. but my family feels very abnormal to what i wish it was. i wish that i was looking forward to tomorrow as much as i was thanksgiving, but i can't even say i am looking forward to it. i am looking forward to seeing my relatives fawn over my beautiful baby girl, but i could just as well go to target and have that happen. she is a very pretty baby girl. we'll see, though. i always prepare myself for things to be more stressful and awkward than they usually end up being. i will hope that tomorrow follows that trend. things will be fine. i am sure we will all be happy to see each other. genuinely. i am sure that we will talk about how we should do something soon. i am sure that i will act like everything is fine with the way things seem to be turning out.

i am such a chicken.

here's hoping that the holidays bring out the best in all of our families, whatever that means to each and every one. to mine? well, i guess tomorrow will begin to tell the tale. if you can't find me, i'll be the one hiding behind the two year-old.