so, you're telling me the nice guy that painted my house is a douchebag?
(if by douchebag, you mean a backstabbing, self-serving dick? yes.)
((this will probably turn "r" rated))


hopewell, mother-scratching baptist church. church number two (behind my own) that has fueled my venom over the lifespan of this journal. it's an easy target, but not for obvious reasons (that it's baptist). it's an easy target because, like huffman, i have information about the inner workings of hopewell baptist church. the policies. the politics. the characters that make up the staff. the wonderful youth and college-age that i've been lucky enough to be around. my source, of course, is andy. my dear friend that played a huge role in my ever considering my own church staff position. andy was on staff at hopewell for almost five years. over the course of many a dreamland lunch did we, along with kiker, discuss and dissect what it was that frustrated each of us with church in general or specifically.

hopewell baptist church started it's turn toward the dark side in my eyes a couple years back. it was around this time that the pastor of this church, responding to "concerns" (loyal readers know how much i love "concerns") from the congregation, shut down andy's basketball ministry. this was a ministry that invited the league i commissioned into it's gym and made for marvelous theater when we played our church basketball league championships on it's floor. because of the success of the basketball ministry, though, andy started seeing an influx in young people that came to the gym for pick-up nights. some of these young people being black may or may not have been the catalyst for the "concerns". not long after the "concerns" were raised, andy's youth pick-up nights were abolished and soon thereafter the gym was closed to anyone that did not have a direct connection (read: was a member of) to hopewell baptist church.

soon after this, andy and his group held a rock concert on hopewell's campus, which also caused an influx of young people and also caused "concerns". needless to say, no more rock concerts.

the last couple years have been littered with frustrations for andy and his family. you see, andy is baptist in name only, and his theology differed from his senior pastor in many ways and his children's pastor in every way save the idea that jesus was lord and savior to them both (you would think that this minute detail would be a simple enough thread that the three could work together. or that it was a simple enough idea to hold any church together. or any two christians. but if you think that, you are wrong.). andy knew that his time at hopewell was coming to an end. it was becoming too hard to swim upstream, but he struggled through the hard times because he loved the young persons that he ministered to.

but then, the shit hit the fan. sticks and stones may break bones, but words always do more damage. word began to circulate that the senior pastor at hopewell may or may not dally in what we call "a love for the naked ladies". that the word came from inside the pastor's home should mark that piece of evidence as fairly credible, but that has become a tangential issue altogether. (listen, we all have our vices. one man may have espn. the other may have playboy. who am i to judge? i could give a shit.) the word circulating scares the pastor. the pastor sees it necessary that his "tracks" (yuck) need to be covered and starts phoning around his congregation that the word circulating is completely false. that he has no idea where it came from. no, wait he does. and that person is andy's wife. andy's wife is telling people the word. and the word is lies. she's a liar. and she's married to andy. so, that must mean andy's a liar. and his kids are liars. and we won't stand for having liars (or black people. or gay people.) on our staff. hell, we won't stand for having liars (or black people. or gay people.) in our church. so, get the fuck out, andy and april and your kids. get the fuck out and don't come back. oh, and don't worry about coming and telling the group good-bye. i'll tell them for you. i'll tell them that you are liars and that we can't have liars (or black people. or gay people.) in our church or ministering our young people. so, get the fuck out and good riddance.

andy is fired.

"excuse me, sir. will you tell the young people about your porn?"
"i don't know who told you about that, probably those rickles, but it was a LIE!!!!"
"a quick follow-up. so, you do not lie, pastor?"
"may god, himself, strike me dead if i do."

(the imaginary thud i just heard in my head was the guy that painted my house keeling over and hitting the floor. dead. because he does lie. and, shit, he gave god permission.)

pastors in churches (maybe especially in small baptist churches. maybe not) get too much credit. sure, they should be held to a higher standard, but it doesn't mean they always can reach the bar. should hopewell think less of their pastor if he likes looking at women? probably not. should they think less of him because instead of attacking an issue like a man he chose to slander a staff member and his wife (both members of his church)? definitely. what will come of hopewell? who knows. i will pray for the members of the church. i will pray for the senior pastor. i will pray for the young people that may or may not maintain contact with their youth pastor because of this. outside of that, though, i could give a shit. hopewell now becomes one of any number of churches with problems and secrets and "concerns" that i won't think about anymore, because it is unhealthy for my personal walk for me to do so. so long, hopewell. good luck.

in andy's case, he is in a better place now. he isn't on staff with a lying, fair-to-middling painter, pornhound of a senior pastor. he can start fresh. maybe not on the timetable he would want, but it'll work out, because andy and april are good people. and good things happen to good people. sometimes, shitty things do too, but it will work itself out.

andy and i talked today about what a shame it is that the definition of a church has become so perverted in our heads that we weren't sure that we wanted to be a part of one anymore. that we should just start something on our own. a haven for christ-followers that isn't called church. maybe blurch. or something cool, like stridex. our blurch motto would be something like, "come to stridex. where jesus will wipe away your sins." yeah, that'd be cool.

bill evans, you are a dick. i don't like you because you shit on my friend. and his wife. and their family. and the youth of your church.

i am ashamed that sarah and i paid you to paint our house.

i hope it was worth it.